Post by mysterydriver on Nov 1, 2006 13:59:41 GMT -5
Every year for Halloween I watch a movie I have never viewed before.
This year's movie was Prophecy. No, not the one with Christopher Walken. It was so horrible, I just had to share my experience (Hopefully not stepping on zillawrath's toes...)
[glow=red,2,300]I could have saved this movie.[/glow]
This is the 1979 disasterpiece directed by John Frankenheimer (A name like that makes you think he could direct horror...) that proves that with an "A" movie budget you can make a "B" movie. The stars are Robert Foxworth (Who recently worked in Syriana) and Talia Shire (Adrian from Rocky).
They are a Doctor and his wife (Who is also a cellist...), who, at the request of a concerned friend (who is in the movie for three minutes and doesn't even have a name.) travel to Maine to research the impact of the Lumber Industry on the Local Environment.
But, I am getting ahead of myself so....
The movie opens with darkness and sounds. Then flashlights moving. Read the sentence over and over for the next five minutes and you have the opening of the film. Finally a dog (apparently this is a search party) gives chase to something and moonlight reveals our opening fodder. The dogs race forward the men behind them. The dogs race forward the men behind them. The dogs...you get it right? Finally a dog runs off of a cliff. The men work to save the man attached to the dog (I guess the dog's leash is tied to his belt or something) but suddenly their is slack and the leash has been broken. Ooh-e-ooh! The proper action when this happens? Go looking for the dog of course. Three offscreen kills later...
Classical music plays as we view the "carnage" from the night before (Decapitated dummies! NOO!) in plain view...because that is scarier...right? Anyway, the music is from Talia Shire's musical group, who will never be seen again after this scene. After they are done playing she has a discussion with her best friend who tells her that she should tell her husband about the pregnancy. Uh-oh. Aparently Mr. Adrian would push for the child to be aborted. But he is the hero, so he'll change his ways before the end of the movie.
Having introduced Shire, the movie moves on to the husband who visits a poor black family who live in a crowded building. He treats a baby for rat bites as the mother bemoans the landlord. I feel like I am suposed to be learning a lesson...anyway, he calls for an ambulance for the child and goes outside to check the gas pipes (Yes.) when his aforementioned "Good buddy" shows up with the plot. Before you can say "Cali-fornie is the place you ought to be!" Dr. Adrian packs up the wife and flies to Maine. Oh, the Black family? Never mentioned again.
There is a nice long shot of them flying over the "beauty of nature." There will be many, many, many scenes like this. Many. They Finally arrive to find a group of people (A father, daughter, and son) getting ready to go camping. Remember them for later...
Then the Evil Capitalist debuts into the film. Remember, if you want to make money, you are worthless scum who deserves to die at the hands of a mutated creature (Oops. Let that slip..). He tells of how a group of lumberjacks disappeared, as well as the search party for them. He blames the local Indians who are protesting the cutting down of trees. Then he wants to show Dr. Adrian the tree sites that Indians are grumpy about.
Cue a two minute, dialougeless, drive in "The Beauty of Nature!"
They arrive to find, shockingly enough, Indians blocking the way. The main Indian, creativally named John Hawks, is played by Armand Assante.
[glow=red,2,300]So what? I was in this movie. I rebounded with Judge Dredd![/glow]
After the whole, "We're going through here!" "No you're not" babble (At least they are talking...) the Evil Capitalist sicks a lumberjack with a chainsaw after the Indians. John grabs an axe and we get a completely useless fight scene.
Long, long story short, Evil Capitalist gets his way...for NOW! BWHAHAHA! Excuse me... So after some needless scenes, it is time for Dr. and Mrs. Adrian to go to their cabin. Cue a Dialougeless river scene to show..."THE BEAUTY OF NATURE!"
From here the movie begins to blur into itself. Dr. goes fishing and a "giant" fish hops from the river...after eating a duck. This effect is wonderfully done by having a prop fish held real close to the camera. There is a scene where the Doc hears a scuffle outside. He opens the door to find a ra
(I love the filter. It reminds me of those look-and-read books from childhood). This creature is flipping out so the natural reaction? Stare at it until it attacks. Cue fighting a stuffed animal in between takes of a hissing animal.
Right so...Doc decides to figure out what the hades is going on, so he goes to see the Indians (A slow zoom into the scene to allow a view of the "Beauty Of Nature" of course). He meets Grandpa Indian who still lives in a Teepee, but wears normal clothing, smokes, has glasses and a Hearing aid. Gramps babbles about how special the land is and how it is one of a kind. John Hawks is there and catches a humoungous TADPOLE (THE HORROR!)! This isn't normal! THIS ISN'T NORMAL! Does that freak you out? Yeah, me neither.
After seeing logs in a pond, Doc puts two & two together and goes to see the Lumber Factory. After a wonderful scene with the main characters being led on a tour of the factory (A view of the "Ugliness of man"), Doc starts bashing Evil Capitalist with questions about chemicals. EC pulls the "Paper card" asking Doc what he plans to put his report on, avoiding the question or denying. So you know he is lying. On the way out, Adrian steps in dirt which the doctor determines (instantly) as mercury.
So, cue a scene with the doctor reading a book aloud into a tape recorder. Thrilling stuff. He then reveals to his wife that the mercury causes deformities in children, which is why local Indian mothers have been having stillbirths. PLOT POINT! Adrian gets worried cause she has been eating fish for the last few days. Oh, she still has told him, but they have a nice "emotional" scene with her hinting towards it.
Anyway. Nothing has died in a while. A long while. So, re-enters the campers. This scene reveals the main monster...with a vengeance and gives the movie its best moment. I could explain it, but that would take the fun away...
So here The BEST part of the movie for your viewing pleasure:
youtube.com/watch?v=7UXOo00wKQA
Right, so, Doc is testing Indians for Mercury poisioning when the Sheriff and Evil Capitalist show up to arrest John Hawks for the murder of the campers. Yeah. Okay... John runs into a house and jumps through a window (Why not run around the house?). Doc decides that he needs to see the murder site and the main female Indian (Forgot to mention her. Sorry, she doesn't do much...) says she knows the way. So they take a helicopter. Um, what?
Oh, thats right, "Beauty of Nature" shot. Sorry, slipped my mind. So, they go to the scene of the deaths (no police banner or such) and begin an investigation. It begins raining, pouring. Then suddenly...there is John Hawks walking through the forrest. Okay. Glad you could join us. Right, so, Adrian (who was still in the helicopter [why did she come?]) gets out because she feels sick and discovers.....
[glow=red,2,300]LOVE ME!![/glow]
The normal reaction of course...bring it back to camp with you. Good call. So they have to walk because the storm is "too hard" for the helicopter to leave. They get to the before shown Teepees
and begin doctoring up the Baby Boy. A few Indians are sent to assemble fodder, I mean get the Sheriff, Evil Capitalist, and Newspaper people.
Once everyone arrives...the EC is presented with the Bouncing Baby Boy (Who despite claws has not tried to kill anyone.) and reacts with...mild shock. EC is so dead. Cue Big Momma or a big guy dressed up in a mutated bear costume.
Nameless fodder (A majority of the cast) is cut down and a car finds a way to explode. The remaining cast rush to "the tunnels" wherever those came from. Gramps stays still and just watches the carnage by the way. So, Sheriff, an injured Pilot, EC, Dr. and Mrs. Adrian, John Hawks, Main Indian Girl (I think her name was Ramona.) hide and listen. Hide and listen. Hide and listen. No really. We hear sounds getting quieter as everyone looks at each other. FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES! Finally, after a good minute of PURE SILENCE, the Sheriff grabs a flashlight and creeps to the tunnel's entrance. Cue deathscene SHOCK!
The next day (Apparently the bearthing did eventually leave.) everyone climbs out of the tunnel to discover Gramps...still standing there. Time to escape. The pilot is injured and "near death" so no Helicopter. Someone needs to get to the radio tower. EC voulenteers to die quicker...I mean to be a hero. Time to walk. Time to walk. TIME TO WALK IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE! Why won't anyone talk? Why? So they find a village... that is deserted, or everyone is dead. I am not sure I care. They set up shop to take care of Pilot and Baby Boy. (Yeah. They kept it.) John Hawks ambles around...in the beauty of nature...and finds a car that people forgot.
Oh, EC finds the Radio Tower and gets eaten. Shocking. Right?
Cut to night. Everyone is in the car (I thought the pilot was near death? he is still moaning after a day of no real medical help). Someone works a spotlight and reveals...Momma Bear! The car gets flipped over and everyone flees...well except for the pilot. Poor Pilot. He screams and gets his body replaced by a headless dummy;. I mean he gets his head bit off. Cue a chase scene.
Everyone flees through the forrest. Baby Boy is getting ticked at this and bites Adrian. She ignores it and keeps running? They get to a lake (Which amazingly enough leads to the main character's cabin...) and start swimming. Except for Gramps. He decides to stand and gawk at the monster again. This time, the Bear eats a model of him. I mean, yeah. It is real cheesy. So we are down to 4 people.
During the swim, Baby Boy bites Adrian again, so Doc drowns it. Thanks Mr. Environmentalist. At the other end of the lake. They all stop and stare at the bear. The "bear" lumbers forward, slowly going under the water. We watch this...slowly...happen. Finally the creature's head is underwater and Doc starts spouting "IT DROWNED!" Dude. No.
Creature pops up on the other side and the remaining humans rush for the cabin and begin "bear"-icading it. Stupid pun. Sorry. After blocking the doors, our giant bear destroys the CEILING! Doc grabs a gun on the mantel, load and fires. The bear screams in pain. Then nothing. Then nothing. Then not...the bear busts down the front wall! What?
Hawks hits the thin with an arrow (Because he is an Indian...) and Doc wastes his last shot. The four rush past the bear. Hawks turns and point blanks the monster with an arrow in the chest. He is rewarded by finally beng killed via the "Mutated Bear Pimp Slap-O-Doom." Adrian and Ramona (Remember her?) rush to safety and Doc grabs the bow-and-arrow. Since he is a stupid white boy, he can't work it, so he attacks the bear with an arrow.
[glow=red,2,300]Smokey's psychotic cousin,
Two-Face The Bear.[/glow]
The bear picks him up (although it kills everyone else with three seconds, it decides to "get a look at him" or something) and gets stabbed in the eye and throat. It drops him and stumbles, falling into the water. Doc gives a battle cry and launches himself onto the bear, repeatally stabbing it as I shout "There can be only one!"
Epilouge. Bear dead. Ramona somehow lives but is never seen again. Our heros...yeah...are on a plane, the pregnant Adrian looks at her husband who smiles (probably glad that the mercury will cause stillbirth and he can get out of being a father). Cue hint for a sequal as ANOTHER mutated bear pops up. By the way, there was no dialouge in this scene at all. Awesome. End credits. Awesomer.
It was okay for a Halloween movie. Fun to make fun of. It really thought it was teaching a lesson about polluting, but no. If you are ever bored you might want to watch it.
For fun, here is the poster:
[glow=red,2,300]What the?[/glow]
This year's movie was Prophecy. No, not the one with Christopher Walken. It was so horrible, I just had to share my experience (Hopefully not stepping on zillawrath's toes...)
[glow=red,2,300]I could have saved this movie.[/glow]
This is the 1979 disasterpiece directed by John Frankenheimer (A name like that makes you think he could direct horror...) that proves that with an "A" movie budget you can make a "B" movie. The stars are Robert Foxworth (Who recently worked in Syriana) and Talia Shire (Adrian from Rocky).
They are a Doctor and his wife (Who is also a cellist...), who, at the request of a concerned friend (who is in the movie for three minutes and doesn't even have a name.) travel to Maine to research the impact of the Lumber Industry on the Local Environment.
But, I am getting ahead of myself so....
The movie opens with darkness and sounds. Then flashlights moving. Read the sentence over and over for the next five minutes and you have the opening of the film. Finally a dog (apparently this is a search party) gives chase to something and moonlight reveals our opening fodder. The dogs race forward the men behind them. The dogs race forward the men behind them. The dogs...you get it right? Finally a dog runs off of a cliff. The men work to save the man attached to the dog (I guess the dog's leash is tied to his belt or something) but suddenly their is slack and the leash has been broken. Ooh-e-ooh! The proper action when this happens? Go looking for the dog of course. Three offscreen kills later...
Classical music plays as we view the "carnage" from the night before (Decapitated dummies! NOO!) in plain view...because that is scarier...right? Anyway, the music is from Talia Shire's musical group, who will never be seen again after this scene. After they are done playing she has a discussion with her best friend who tells her that she should tell her husband about the pregnancy. Uh-oh. Aparently Mr. Adrian would push for the child to be aborted. But he is the hero, so he'll change his ways before the end of the movie.
Having introduced Shire, the movie moves on to the husband who visits a poor black family who live in a crowded building. He treats a baby for rat bites as the mother bemoans the landlord. I feel like I am suposed to be learning a lesson...anyway, he calls for an ambulance for the child and goes outside to check the gas pipes (Yes.) when his aforementioned "Good buddy" shows up with the plot. Before you can say "Cali-fornie is the place you ought to be!" Dr. Adrian packs up the wife and flies to Maine. Oh, the Black family? Never mentioned again.
There is a nice long shot of them flying over the "beauty of nature." There will be many, many, many scenes like this. Many. They Finally arrive to find a group of people (A father, daughter, and son) getting ready to go camping. Remember them for later...
Then the Evil Capitalist debuts into the film. Remember, if you want to make money, you are worthless scum who deserves to die at the hands of a mutated creature (Oops. Let that slip..). He tells of how a group of lumberjacks disappeared, as well as the search party for them. He blames the local Indians who are protesting the cutting down of trees. Then he wants to show Dr. Adrian the tree sites that Indians are grumpy about.
Cue a two minute, dialougeless, drive in "The Beauty of Nature!"
They arrive to find, shockingly enough, Indians blocking the way. The main Indian, creativally named John Hawks, is played by Armand Assante.
[glow=red,2,300]So what? I was in this movie. I rebounded with Judge Dredd![/glow]
After the whole, "We're going through here!" "No you're not" babble (At least they are talking...) the Evil Capitalist sicks a lumberjack with a chainsaw after the Indians. John grabs an axe and we get a completely useless fight scene.
Long, long story short, Evil Capitalist gets his way...for NOW! BWHAHAHA! Excuse me... So after some needless scenes, it is time for Dr. and Mrs. Adrian to go to their cabin. Cue a Dialougeless river scene to show..."THE BEAUTY OF NATURE!"
From here the movie begins to blur into itself. Dr. goes fishing and a "giant" fish hops from the river...after eating a duck. This effect is wonderfully done by having a prop fish held real close to the camera. There is a scene where the Doc hears a scuffle outside. He opens the door to find a ra
(I love the filter. It reminds me of those look-and-read books from childhood). This creature is flipping out so the natural reaction? Stare at it until it attacks. Cue fighting a stuffed animal in between takes of a hissing animal.Right so...Doc decides to figure out what the hades is going on, so he goes to see the Indians (A slow zoom into the scene to allow a view of the "Beauty Of Nature" of course). He meets Grandpa Indian who still lives in a Teepee, but wears normal clothing, smokes, has glasses and a Hearing aid. Gramps babbles about how special the land is and how it is one of a kind. John Hawks is there and catches a humoungous TADPOLE (THE HORROR!)! This isn't normal! THIS ISN'T NORMAL! Does that freak you out? Yeah, me neither.
After seeing logs in a pond, Doc puts two & two together and goes to see the Lumber Factory. After a wonderful scene with the main characters being led on a tour of the factory (A view of the "Ugliness of man"), Doc starts bashing Evil Capitalist with questions about chemicals. EC pulls the "Paper card" asking Doc what he plans to put his report on, avoiding the question or denying. So you know he is lying. On the way out, Adrian steps in dirt which the doctor determines (instantly) as mercury.
So, cue a scene with the doctor reading a book aloud into a tape recorder. Thrilling stuff. He then reveals to his wife that the mercury causes deformities in children, which is why local Indian mothers have been having stillbirths. PLOT POINT! Adrian gets worried cause she has been eating fish for the last few days. Oh, she still has told him, but they have a nice "emotional" scene with her hinting towards it.
Anyway. Nothing has died in a while. A long while. So, re-enters the campers. This scene reveals the main monster...with a vengeance and gives the movie its best moment. I could explain it, but that would take the fun away...
So here The BEST part of the movie for your viewing pleasure:
youtube.com/watch?v=7UXOo00wKQA
Right, so, Doc is testing Indians for Mercury poisioning when the Sheriff and Evil Capitalist show up to arrest John Hawks for the murder of the campers. Yeah. Okay... John runs into a house and jumps through a window (Why not run around the house?). Doc decides that he needs to see the murder site and the main female Indian (Forgot to mention her. Sorry, she doesn't do much...) says she knows the way. So they take a helicopter. Um, what?
Oh, thats right, "Beauty of Nature" shot. Sorry, slipped my mind. So, they go to the scene of the deaths (no police banner or such) and begin an investigation. It begins raining, pouring. Then suddenly...there is John Hawks walking through the forrest. Okay. Glad you could join us. Right, so, Adrian (who was still in the helicopter [why did she come?]) gets out because she feels sick and discovers.....
[glow=red,2,300]LOVE ME!![/glow]
The normal reaction of course...bring it back to camp with you. Good call. So they have to walk because the storm is "too hard" for the helicopter to leave. They get to the before shown Teepees
and begin doctoring up the Baby Boy. A few Indians are sent to assemble fodder, I mean get the Sheriff, Evil Capitalist, and Newspaper people.
Once everyone arrives...the EC is presented with the Bouncing Baby Boy (Who despite claws has not tried to kill anyone.) and reacts with...mild shock. EC is so dead. Cue Big Momma or a big guy dressed up in a mutated bear costume.
Nameless fodder (A majority of the cast) is cut down and a car finds a way to explode. The remaining cast rush to "the tunnels" wherever those came from. Gramps stays still and just watches the carnage by the way. So, Sheriff, an injured Pilot, EC, Dr. and Mrs. Adrian, John Hawks, Main Indian Girl (I think her name was Ramona.) hide and listen. Hide and listen. Hide and listen. No really. We hear sounds getting quieter as everyone looks at each other. FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES! Finally, after a good minute of PURE SILENCE, the Sheriff grabs a flashlight and creeps to the tunnel's entrance. Cue deathscene SHOCK!
The next day (Apparently the bearthing did eventually leave.) everyone climbs out of the tunnel to discover Gramps...still standing there. Time to escape. The pilot is injured and "near death" so no Helicopter. Someone needs to get to the radio tower. EC voulenteers to die quicker...I mean to be a hero. Time to walk. Time to walk. TIME TO WALK IN THE BEAUTY OF NATURE! Why won't anyone talk? Why? So they find a village... that is deserted, or everyone is dead. I am not sure I care. They set up shop to take care of Pilot and Baby Boy. (Yeah. They kept it.) John Hawks ambles around...in the beauty of nature...and finds a car that people forgot.
Oh, EC finds the Radio Tower and gets eaten. Shocking. Right?
Cut to night. Everyone is in the car (I thought the pilot was near death? he is still moaning after a day of no real medical help). Someone works a spotlight and reveals...Momma Bear! The car gets flipped over and everyone flees...well except for the pilot. Poor Pilot. He screams and gets his body replaced by a headless dummy;. I mean he gets his head bit off. Cue a chase scene.
Everyone flees through the forrest. Baby Boy is getting ticked at this and bites Adrian. She ignores it and keeps running? They get to a lake (Which amazingly enough leads to the main character's cabin...) and start swimming. Except for Gramps. He decides to stand and gawk at the monster again. This time, the Bear eats a model of him. I mean, yeah. It is real cheesy. So we are down to 4 people.
During the swim, Baby Boy bites Adrian again, so Doc drowns it. Thanks Mr. Environmentalist. At the other end of the lake. They all stop and stare at the bear. The "bear" lumbers forward, slowly going under the water. We watch this...slowly...happen. Finally the creature's head is underwater and Doc starts spouting "IT DROWNED!" Dude. No.
Creature pops up on the other side and the remaining humans rush for the cabin and begin "bear"-icading it. Stupid pun. Sorry. After blocking the doors, our giant bear destroys the CEILING! Doc grabs a gun on the mantel, load and fires. The bear screams in pain. Then nothing. Then nothing. Then not...the bear busts down the front wall! What?
Hawks hits the thin with an arrow (Because he is an Indian...) and Doc wastes his last shot. The four rush past the bear. Hawks turns and point blanks the monster with an arrow in the chest. He is rewarded by finally beng killed via the "Mutated Bear Pimp Slap-O-Doom." Adrian and Ramona (Remember her?) rush to safety and Doc grabs the bow-and-arrow. Since he is a stupid white boy, he can't work it, so he attacks the bear with an arrow.
[glow=red,2,300]Smokey's psychotic cousin,
Two-Face The Bear.[/glow]
The bear picks him up (although it kills everyone else with three seconds, it decides to "get a look at him" or something) and gets stabbed in the eye and throat. It drops him and stumbles, falling into the water. Doc gives a battle cry and launches himself onto the bear, repeatally stabbing it as I shout "There can be only one!"
Epilouge. Bear dead. Ramona somehow lives but is never seen again. Our heros...yeah...are on a plane, the pregnant Adrian looks at her husband who smiles (probably glad that the mercury will cause stillbirth and he can get out of being a father). Cue hint for a sequal as ANOTHER mutated bear pops up. By the way, there was no dialouge in this scene at all. Awesome. End credits. Awesomer.
It was okay for a Halloween movie. Fun to make fun of. It really thought it was teaching a lesson about polluting, but no. If you are ever bored you might want to watch it.
For fun, here is the poster:
[glow=red,2,300]What the?[/glow]