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Post by Starshine on Sept 4, 2019 18:41:30 GMT -5
So today I got a message from a friend about a mutual fried who was beaten by her partner again. This isn't the first time this has happened, but it looks like it's getting worse as it does. I'm aware of the difficulties in dealing with abuse victims since I've dealt with this exact thing before, and realise it can require a soft and supportive touch. But I also know the hardest part can be to try and convince the victim that they need to want to help themselves in order for any sort of positive steps to move forward, which has always been the biggest hurdle.
In the past, I've been careful to make sure I respect her decisions, even though she always goes back to this guy. I tell her clearly that I don't agree with her, but let her know I will still support her. When I've broached the topic of getting professional help, or even just calling a support hotline, she agrees, but I don't believe she ever moves forward with either. I'm also very careful to never shit on the guy in front of her, as I get concerned that doing so may damage the trust between us. She knows he's bad for her, but she also is very dedicated to him. My concern is that the longer this goes, her reliance on him will only grow to unhealthier proportions and the damage will only get progressively worse.
Anyway I thought this might be a good place to try and make discussion on anyone who may have experienced the same, either personally, or through other loved ones, and how they've managed it, or seen any sort of success. It might also give me some new ideas on ways to approach this with her.
Any advice, or constructive discussion is welcome. Thanks.
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Mozenrath
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Post by Mozenrath on Sept 4, 2019 20:31:17 GMT -5
I think that right now, you're doing pretty much all you can do, since most other options would drive her further into the mess she's in if she gets defensive of him, and likely will. That said, I'd encourage you to look into professional resources for advice, since it'd trump anything we could give you.
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Post by Toilet Paper Roll on Sept 4, 2019 21:23:23 GMT -5
It doesn't get better. My biological father beat my mother until she left him. Everybody I know whos been in an abusive relationship be it verbal, mental or physical never had it get better. Love is a strange drug.
We had a "friend" legit clock his girlfriend in the face in front of us in a bar. Four of us dragged him outside and beat the crap out of him. She stopped talking to us until they broke up several years later when he just left her for somebody else.
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Post by Starshine on Sept 4, 2019 21:28:34 GMT -5
It doesn't get better. My biological father beat my mother until she left him. Everybody I know whos been in an abusive relationship be it verbal, mental or physical never had it get better. Love is a strange drug. We had a "friend" legit clock his girlfriend in the face in front of us in a bar. Four of us dragged him outside and beat the crap out of him. She stopped talking to us until they broke up several years later when he just left her for somebody else. Yeah, that's definitely the biggest hurdle. While I'm very much aware of the that this may just be an ongoing thing, I also don't want to get into any sort of head space where I don't think she can escape it. Otherwise, I feel like I lose my ability to be any sort of genuine support base. It really is frustrating.
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67 more
King Koopa
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Post by 67 more on Sept 5, 2019 0:29:02 GMT -5
Aside from police intervention (and even then that can't be that helpful as the victim will often lie to protect their partner whether it be out of love or fear), there's literally nothing you can do help the situation. The abused party needs to take that step themselves and stick to it. Unfortunately because of the psychological damage caused by the abuse, they most likely never will.
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riseofsetian1981
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Post by riseofsetian1981 on Sept 5, 2019 16:41:31 GMT -5
My mom always told me that while it's not the case for every woman, she said the reason why a lot of women are in abusive relationships and tend to stay is someone them witnessed their mother being abused by their father, in the process it's ingrained in their minds that "It's okay to have a significant other who beats me" and thus it attracts that kind of spirit and mentality.
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Post by "Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay on Sept 5, 2019 16:53:07 GMT -5
Hey!
Survivor of multiple abuse relationships myself, and coach-er of people in various others.
You are doing everything you should be doing.
She knows how to access help. You know how to find help for her if she asked you to do it for her. You are listening to what she has to say and respecting her decisions.
I really strongly advise you to do nothing else.
Abusive relationships are rarely as easily hidden as people in them on either end like to think, and she is most likely getting never-ending, unsolicited advice from everybody she knows about how obvious a decision it is to dump this guy and move on with her life. Be the one person that doesn't do that, as you seem to be doing. She will appreciate it immensely.
If she directly asks for advice, then go nuts. If she continues a cycle of asking you for advice, listening to you, doing nothing, then leaning on you... then yeah, just keep letting her lean on you for as long as you consider the friendship worth watering, honestly.
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Post by Starshine on Sept 5, 2019 18:19:16 GMT -5
Hey! Survivor of multiple abuse relationships myself, and coach-er of people in various others. You are doing everything you should be doing. She knows how to access help. You know how to find help for her if she asked you to do it for her. You are listening to what she has to say and respecting her decisions. I really strongly advise you to do nothing else. Abusive relationships are rarely as easily hidden as people in them on either end like to think, and she is most likely getting never-ending, unsolicited advice from everybody she knows about how obvious a decision it is to dump this guy and move on with her life. Be the one person that doesn't do that, as you seem to be doing. She will appreciate it immensely. If she directly asks for advice, then go nuts. If she continues a cycle of asking you for advice, listening to you, doing nothing, then leaning on you... then yeah, just keep letting her lean on you for as long as you consider the friendship worth watering, honestly. Thanks. I appreciate the vote of confidence.
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