Post by The Legendary Ring Troll {BLM} on Sept 7, 2020 3:37:25 GMT -5
I was just perusing my old emails and came across some little "articles" I had written once in an idea to create a news site that reported everything in kayfabe. I soon found out Kayfabe News was a thing and abandoned my attempt, but I'd figured I'd post my articles here and see what you guys think. Sorry for any crassness, I feel I've matured a bit since these were written.
STAMFORD, CT - One source inside WWE headquarters in Stamford indicated to us that Vince McMahon is extremely upset with his son-in-law, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and his daughter, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
"I was walking by his office and I heard him sobbing," our source told us. "He muttered something about being a billionaire and then I heard him screaming and cursing!"
We're told Vince is not happy that Stephanie has been unable to take the WWE World Heavyweight Title back from Daniel Bryan up to this point.
"He thinks Bryan's a midget," said another source. "No, seriously...he literally thinks he's a midget. Vince wants to see Bryan fight Hornswoggle and El Torito, but while he's got the WWE title, those dream matches are off the cards."
Our first source indicated to us that McMahon also believes Bryan, being a "little person," is not a draw for the coveted 3 - 65 year old demographic, and blames Bryan's title win as the main reason for his personal net worth dropping $750 million dollars since WrestleMania.
"He thinks if Batista had won at Mania, he'd be a multi-billionaire by now. But no one wants to watch a midget defend the world's most respected World Championship against full grown people. And Hornswoggle needs some more wins under his belt before he's eligible for a title shot. It's been a long time since his epic series with Chavo!"
When McMahon was reached for comment, he said, "Get the hell out of my office!"
More on this story as it occurs.
"I was walking by his office and I heard him sobbing," our source told us. "He muttered something about being a billionaire and then I heard him screaming and cursing!"
We're told Vince is not happy that Stephanie has been unable to take the WWE World Heavyweight Title back from Daniel Bryan up to this point.
"He thinks Bryan's a midget," said another source. "No, seriously...he literally thinks he's a midget. Vince wants to see Bryan fight Hornswoggle and El Torito, but while he's got the WWE title, those dream matches are off the cards."
Our first source indicated to us that McMahon also believes Bryan, being a "little person," is not a draw for the coveted 3 - 65 year old demographic, and blames Bryan's title win as the main reason for his personal net worth dropping $750 million dollars since WrestleMania.
"He thinks if Batista had won at Mania, he'd be a multi-billionaire by now. But no one wants to watch a midget defend the world's most respected World Championship against full grown people. And Hornswoggle needs some more wins under his belt before he's eligible for a title shot. It's been a long time since his epic series with Chavo!"
When McMahon was reached for comment, he said, "Get the hell out of my office!"
More on this story as it occurs.
CHICAGO, IL - The biggest title match of the century just took place in Chicago and if you had seen it, you'd likely not even know it was special. In thirty minutes, World Heavyweight Champion Frank Gotch beat challenger Stanislaus Zbyszko, who went into the fight with a nine hundred match winning streak.
"Stanislaus beat everyone!" said one man I spoke with. "This is the third time I've seen him wrestle. First one was in Moscow when he fought Rasputin two years ago. I don't know how he did it, Rasputin just wouldn't stay down! The match went nearly six hours before Zbyszko finally tied Rasputin to the canvas to keep his shoulders down. If you can beat Rasputin, no one can beat you!"
Or so he thought. Gotch did, however, beat Stanislaus. In six seconds, no less, at least for the first fall.
"Bullshit," said Vincenzo Firelli in a thick Italian accent that I could barely understand. "Zbyszko true de metch," I think he said. "Dis es al feke!" I don't really know what he even meant there.
Once I finally found someone who spoke English, they said, "Gotch and Zbyszko just showed you what would happen if America and Germany ever went to war!" I pointed out Zbyszko was Austrian. "Same shit," he told me before walking away angrily. I resisted the urge to point out that Gotch was of German descent.
I was finally able to get an interview with Gotch's manager, Paulus Heybro, who stated, "My client, Frank Gotch, conquered Stanislaus Zbyszko's streak. My client, Frank Gotch, conquered Stanislaus Zbyszko's streak!" He continued to repeat this over and over. I eventually walked away, quite annoyed.
"Stanislaus beat everyone!" said one man I spoke with. "This is the third time I've seen him wrestle. First one was in Moscow when he fought Rasputin two years ago. I don't know how he did it, Rasputin just wouldn't stay down! The match went nearly six hours before Zbyszko finally tied Rasputin to the canvas to keep his shoulders down. If you can beat Rasputin, no one can beat you!"
Or so he thought. Gotch did, however, beat Stanislaus. In six seconds, no less, at least for the first fall.
"Bullshit," said Vincenzo Firelli in a thick Italian accent that I could barely understand. "Zbyszko true de metch," I think he said. "Dis es al feke!" I don't really know what he even meant there.
Once I finally found someone who spoke English, they said, "Gotch and Zbyszko just showed you what would happen if America and Germany ever went to war!" I pointed out Zbyszko was Austrian. "Same shit," he told me before walking away angrily. I resisted the urge to point out that Gotch was of German descent.
I was finally able to get an interview with Gotch's manager, Paulus Heybro, who stated, "My client, Frank Gotch, conquered Stanislaus Zbyszko's streak. My client, Frank Gotch, conquered Stanislaus Zbyszko's streak!" He continued to repeat this over and over. I eventually walked away, quite annoyed.
PLANET FUNK - Where have all the Funkasaurus' gone? That is the question being asked in the Jurassic Park district of Planet Funk.
"Every year, there are fewer and fewer Funkasaurus' left in the wild," said one wild haired scientist with really, REALLY thick glasses. "At the rate they are disappearing, I expect they'll be extinct in the next five years."
If so, this spells bad news for the WWE Chairman, Founder and CEO, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. McMahon was once the proud owner of the only living, breathing, rompin', stompin' Funkasaurus (in captivity), Mr. Brodus Clay. However, some time near the end of 2013, McMahon's Funkasaurus disappeared.
"I don't know what happened to Clay," said Howard Finkel, who asked to remain anonymous, "but McMahon is distraught. He was more proud of that Funkasaurus than he was of Shane."
McMahon bought Clay from Planet Funk's most notorious resident, Ernest "The Cat" Miller, at the end of 2011. It was rumored Miller couldn't handle the huge Funkasaurus anymore, who was consistently calling Miller's momma.
Our wild haired scientist has a theory as to Clay's disappearance. "I believe he has gona back to Planet Funk. Escaped McMahon's chains. He knows, he senses, that his species is dying out. He's returned to try to save it. I mean, there were no other Funkasaurus' on Earth. Sure, there were two Funkadactyl's, but why would a Funkasaurus want to mate with a Funkadactyl? That's crazy talk! He spent two years on Earth with no Funkasaurus women. He's definately returned to spread his seed."
Despite the scientist's hypothesis, no one on Planet Funk has seen Brodus Clay. "They all look the same," said a Funkaceratops, rather racistly. "How am I supposed to know which one is Brodus Clay?"
This leaves us wondering: has Brodus Clay gone home to save his dying race? Has he died off himself, the victim of some sort of disease that has spread across his entire species, killing them off one by one? Is he a race traitor, disowning the Funkasaurus species once Xavier Woods stole the Funkadactyls and his theme music? We'll have more on this story as it develops.
"Every year, there are fewer and fewer Funkasaurus' left in the wild," said one wild haired scientist with really, REALLY thick glasses. "At the rate they are disappearing, I expect they'll be extinct in the next five years."
If so, this spells bad news for the WWE Chairman, Founder and CEO, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. McMahon was once the proud owner of the only living, breathing, rompin', stompin' Funkasaurus (in captivity), Mr. Brodus Clay. However, some time near the end of 2013, McMahon's Funkasaurus disappeared.
"I don't know what happened to Clay," said Howard Finkel, who asked to remain anonymous, "but McMahon is distraught. He was more proud of that Funkasaurus than he was of Shane."
McMahon bought Clay from Planet Funk's most notorious resident, Ernest "The Cat" Miller, at the end of 2011. It was rumored Miller couldn't handle the huge Funkasaurus anymore, who was consistently calling Miller's momma.
Our wild haired scientist has a theory as to Clay's disappearance. "I believe he has gona back to Planet Funk. Escaped McMahon's chains. He knows, he senses, that his species is dying out. He's returned to try to save it. I mean, there were no other Funkasaurus' on Earth. Sure, there were two Funkadactyl's, but why would a Funkasaurus want to mate with a Funkadactyl? That's crazy talk! He spent two years on Earth with no Funkasaurus women. He's definately returned to spread his seed."
Despite the scientist's hypothesis, no one on Planet Funk has seen Brodus Clay. "They all look the same," said a Funkaceratops, rather racistly. "How am I supposed to know which one is Brodus Clay?"
This leaves us wondering: has Brodus Clay gone home to save his dying race? Has he died off himself, the victim of some sort of disease that has spread across his entire species, killing them off one by one? Is he a race traitor, disowning the Funkasaurus species once Xavier Woods stole the Funkadactyls and his theme music? We'll have more on this story as it develops.
PARTS UNKNOWN - To get there, you must wear a blind fold. Only someone from there can show you how to get there. The place is Parts Unknown. And it is a veritible ghost town. More professional wrestlers hailed from Parts Unknown than any other hometown on the planet. It was a veritible breeding ground for wrestlers.
"There's no other jobs in Parts Unknown," said Glen J., who refused to give his wrestling name when he spoke to us. "You're born there, raised there, and then what? You can't go be a cook in Parts Unknown...no one there eats. You can't be a basketball coach...no one plays games or goes to school. So you wrestle. Did I want to wrestle? No. But my brother did it, my father worked in wrestling...I kind of had no choice."
But apparently Glen J. is one of the last remaining residents of Parts Unknown. The mayor, The Ultimate Warrior, recently passed away, being the last major star from the area. Now, only a few houses are occupied, and 99% of them by retired or aging wrestlers.
"This was a beautiful place to live once," said Papa Shango, shaking his skull staff ominously the whole time. "We all got along here. In the early 90's, Warrior had barbeque's every weekend. Now you're lucky to even see anyone else. You're the first person I've talked to in over a month." I had to stop the interview at this point when I began vomiting uncontrollably.
Some wrestlers moved away, such as Mankind and The Undertaker. Others faded into obscurity, such as The Missing Link and Kamala. But its safe to say that Parts Unknown is a town on the downswing.
"There's no other jobs in Parts Unknown," said Glen J., who refused to give his wrestling name when he spoke to us. "You're born there, raised there, and then what? You can't go be a cook in Parts Unknown...no one there eats. You can't be a basketball coach...no one plays games or goes to school. So you wrestle. Did I want to wrestle? No. But my brother did it, my father worked in wrestling...I kind of had no choice."
But apparently Glen J. is one of the last remaining residents of Parts Unknown. The mayor, The Ultimate Warrior, recently passed away, being the last major star from the area. Now, only a few houses are occupied, and 99% of them by retired or aging wrestlers.
"This was a beautiful place to live once," said Papa Shango, shaking his skull staff ominously the whole time. "We all got along here. In the early 90's, Warrior had barbeque's every weekend. Now you're lucky to even see anyone else. You're the first person I've talked to in over a month." I had to stop the interview at this point when I began vomiting uncontrollably.
Some wrestlers moved away, such as Mankind and The Undertaker. Others faded into obscurity, such as The Missing Link and Kamala. But its safe to say that Parts Unknown is a town on the downswing.
LONDON, ENGLAND - He is a brash, fun, hip, young up and coming talent in the WWE. He's always happy, always smiling, always dancing. His motto is, "It's party time - ALL the time." He is Adam Rose.
And he is quite possibly the most sick, sadistic man in wrestling history.
"I just want to stop partying," said Captain Comic, dancing along to the beat while crying. "He won't let us, though..."
His exterior demeanor is said to be a front, according to the numerous "Rosebuds" we spoke with. When the cameras are off, he's said to become a different man.
"I was an accountant for six years," said the weirdo in the bunny suit. "This guy comes along, I meet him in a bar. He invites me to party on his bus; says there'll be chicks. There were. But they were too busy partying to care about me. So after thirty minutes I try to leave. Rose tells me to stay, says he has a surprise for me. He brings out the damn bunny suit...I've been wearing it ever since! He won't let me take it off...he threatened my kids' lives if I did." I asked the guy why Rose even had a bunny suit in the first place. "He's had it for ages...makes different people wear it, I'm just the latest. When I put it on, the head smelled like vomit and there was a bloody rip in the stomach. I don't know what happened to the last guy, and I don't want to find out.
"I was a proud lemon," said the anonymous person wearing the green bodysuit. "I didn't like to party. I hated parties in fact. Rose put me in a full nelson and shoved me onto his bus. He poured cocaine down my throat and kept telling me to stop being a lemon and be a Rosebud. So yeah...I guess I'm a Rosebud now."
Why is Adam Rose the way he is? What makes the man behind the lolly pop sucking smile tick?
"Oh, Adam was a good kid until he was about eight," said a little old lady who claimed to know him. "His mom bought him a bunny rabbit for his birthday. It didn't take long for the rabbit to snap...it bit Adam's finger. Bled a little bit. He had to wear a bandaid for the next...four hours or so. He was never the same again. Hates bunny's now."
How can you blame him? Rose moved to South Africa later and began a big game hunter, focusing, obviously, on the giant South African rabbit. Hunting the giant South African rabbit is illegal, however, and so Rose took on a pseudonym. After a few years, he'd all but eliminated the giant rabbits. And soon he used his ill gotten gains to buy himself a party bus and begin traveling.
"Oh yeah, he's partying because he's so happy to have killed off so many bunnies," said an old friend of his who you've likely never heard of named Justin Gabriel. "He feels like he's accomplished his life's goal. But it turned him completely nutters. And once he started making money by selling the rabbit tusks, he started getting into cocaine and heroin. I don't even know the guy anymore."
So with a coked out, insane, rabbit hating Adam Rose riding around the country in the Exotic Express, constantly partying, who will be able to stop his reign of madness?
One source was quoted as saying: "John Cena absolutely loves rabbits. I don't know what he'll do...but yeah. Guy loves them like Troy McClure loves fish."
In that case, we can't wait the inevitable showdown between Cena and Rose over rabbit rights.
And he is quite possibly the most sick, sadistic man in wrestling history.
"I just want to stop partying," said Captain Comic, dancing along to the beat while crying. "He won't let us, though..."
His exterior demeanor is said to be a front, according to the numerous "Rosebuds" we spoke with. When the cameras are off, he's said to become a different man.
"I was an accountant for six years," said the weirdo in the bunny suit. "This guy comes along, I meet him in a bar. He invites me to party on his bus; says there'll be chicks. There were. But they were too busy partying to care about me. So after thirty minutes I try to leave. Rose tells me to stay, says he has a surprise for me. He brings out the damn bunny suit...I've been wearing it ever since! He won't let me take it off...he threatened my kids' lives if I did." I asked the guy why Rose even had a bunny suit in the first place. "He's had it for ages...makes different people wear it, I'm just the latest. When I put it on, the head smelled like vomit and there was a bloody rip in the stomach. I don't know what happened to the last guy, and I don't want to find out.
"I was a proud lemon," said the anonymous person wearing the green bodysuit. "I didn't like to party. I hated parties in fact. Rose put me in a full nelson and shoved me onto his bus. He poured cocaine down my throat and kept telling me to stop being a lemon and be a Rosebud. So yeah...I guess I'm a Rosebud now."
Why is Adam Rose the way he is? What makes the man behind the lolly pop sucking smile tick?
"Oh, Adam was a good kid until he was about eight," said a little old lady who claimed to know him. "His mom bought him a bunny rabbit for his birthday. It didn't take long for the rabbit to snap...it bit Adam's finger. Bled a little bit. He had to wear a bandaid for the next...four hours or so. He was never the same again. Hates bunny's now."
How can you blame him? Rose moved to South Africa later and began a big game hunter, focusing, obviously, on the giant South African rabbit. Hunting the giant South African rabbit is illegal, however, and so Rose took on a pseudonym. After a few years, he'd all but eliminated the giant rabbits. And soon he used his ill gotten gains to buy himself a party bus and begin traveling.
"Oh yeah, he's partying because he's so happy to have killed off so many bunnies," said an old friend of his who you've likely never heard of named Justin Gabriel. "He feels like he's accomplished his life's goal. But it turned him completely nutters. And once he started making money by selling the rabbit tusks, he started getting into cocaine and heroin. I don't even know the guy anymore."
So with a coked out, insane, rabbit hating Adam Rose riding around the country in the Exotic Express, constantly partying, who will be able to stop his reign of madness?
One source was quoted as saying: "John Cena absolutely loves rabbits. I don't know what he'll do...but yeah. Guy loves them like Troy McClure loves fish."
In that case, we can't wait the inevitable showdown between Cena and Rose over rabbit rights.
DUBLIN, IRELAND - The WWE's B.A.Star campaign has been in effect for three years now, doing great things across the country in schools and in homes. Kids are learning, from their favorite WWE superstars, that bullying is wrong and there are better ways to go about things.
But what about in WWE itself? Well, it seems bullying is a bigger issue than ever.
WWE superstar Hornswoggle, who has been working for the company since he was nineteen years old, and is now twenty-eight, is one of the smallest members of the WWE roster this side of Rey Mysterio. If he was to get into an altercation with, say, The Big Show or Kane, there's little doubt that Hornswoggle would have no way to defend himself. So, then, why is it the WWE is allowing its smallest superstar to be bullied? On screen no less, for millions around the world to see?
"He just wanted to rock out, baaabbbyyy!" said an anonymous WWE superstar in regards to the pint sized brawler. "But then that damn bull[y] stuck his horns into things!"
He is, of course, speaking of the wild animal, known as El Torito, who is brought to the ring by Los Matadores, two Mexican...er...Spanish...Puerto Rican? Well, I guess it doesn't really matter, they have brown skin, right? Two bull fighters! Los Matadores, who some believe to be the sons of a famous Latin wrestler (Tito Santana, we're looking at you!), bring this wild animal to the ring every time they come out. And this beast, for some reason, decided to begin bullying poor little Hornswoggle.
"But John," you say! "Hornswoggle's a leprechaun, surely he can use his crazy Irish magic to fight a bull!" First of all, my name's not John, don't make that mistake again. Secondly, yes, he could use his crazy Irish leprechaun magic, but as we ALL know, Hornswoggle gave up his leprechaun powers ages ago in exchange for the ability to talk (again). I have it on good authority he wanted to be a rock and roll singer, but he thought his grunting wouldn't make for good music (he was wrong, that's all rock and roll is).
So now, teeny tiny Hornswoggle the former Leprechaun has been picked on by a semi trained, seemingly color changing animal who somehow stands on two feet. And what does the WWE brass do about it? No B.A.Star campaign to be found here, no. Instead, they actively encourage this bull to belittle the wee leprechaun.
"It's a person in a costume," said one obviously crazy bystander, "not really a bull." Umm...hello! There's horns on his head! I know a bull when I see one.
"He has rabies, I heard," said my ten year old son. Is he right? Probably...
And what happens when Hornswoggle is given these rabies? Maybe the WWE will take their own advice at that point and B.A.Star themselves.
The last I heard from this story was that Hornswoggle was seeking the advice of crack WWE lawyer David Otunga to see what kind of legal action is available to him. Otunga's wife told us he was not available for comment and that wrestling is fake. We told her she's fat and there's a reason she didn't win American Idol. She stopped emailing us after that.
But what about in WWE itself? Well, it seems bullying is a bigger issue than ever.
WWE superstar Hornswoggle, who has been working for the company since he was nineteen years old, and is now twenty-eight, is one of the smallest members of the WWE roster this side of Rey Mysterio. If he was to get into an altercation with, say, The Big Show or Kane, there's little doubt that Hornswoggle would have no way to defend himself. So, then, why is it the WWE is allowing its smallest superstar to be bullied? On screen no less, for millions around the world to see?
"He just wanted to rock out, baaabbbyyy!" said an anonymous WWE superstar in regards to the pint sized brawler. "But then that damn bull[y] stuck his horns into things!"
He is, of course, speaking of the wild animal, known as El Torito, who is brought to the ring by Los Matadores, two Mexican...er...Spanish...Puerto Rican? Well, I guess it doesn't really matter, they have brown skin, right? Two bull fighters! Los Matadores, who some believe to be the sons of a famous Latin wrestler (Tito Santana, we're looking at you!), bring this wild animal to the ring every time they come out. And this beast, for some reason, decided to begin bullying poor little Hornswoggle.
"But John," you say! "Hornswoggle's a leprechaun, surely he can use his crazy Irish magic to fight a bull!" First of all, my name's not John, don't make that mistake again. Secondly, yes, he could use his crazy Irish leprechaun magic, but as we ALL know, Hornswoggle gave up his leprechaun powers ages ago in exchange for the ability to talk (again). I have it on good authority he wanted to be a rock and roll singer, but he thought his grunting wouldn't make for good music (he was wrong, that's all rock and roll is).
So now, teeny tiny Hornswoggle the former Leprechaun has been picked on by a semi trained, seemingly color changing animal who somehow stands on two feet. And what does the WWE brass do about it? No B.A.Star campaign to be found here, no. Instead, they actively encourage this bull to belittle the wee leprechaun.
"It's a person in a costume," said one obviously crazy bystander, "not really a bull." Umm...hello! There's horns on his head! I know a bull when I see one.
"He has rabies, I heard," said my ten year old son. Is he right? Probably...
And what happens when Hornswoggle is given these rabies? Maybe the WWE will take their own advice at that point and B.A.Star themselves.
The last I heard from this story was that Hornswoggle was seeking the advice of crack WWE lawyer David Otunga to see what kind of legal action is available to him. Otunga's wife told us he was not available for comment and that wrestling is fake. We told her she's fat and there's a reason she didn't win American Idol. She stopped emailing us after that.
SIERRA HOTEL, INDIA - I assume that's where they're from, at least. I'm not sure what the echo lima is for...maybe a region? I'm not too familiar with India.
Anyways, Seth Rollins recently gave a brief explanation as to why he turned against blood brothers and bunk mates Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns.
"I didn't sell out, I bought in!" were the words that echoed throughout the arena after that fateful night on 10-10-10. Or...wait...I think that was Jeff Hardy. They look similiar, though, right? Kind of wrestle a similiar style, too.
Well, Rollins said something like that on Raw this past week. And we can't blame him! I mean, how much was he making as a member of The Shield? Minimum wage? In WWE that's like...$60,000.00 a year? Maybe $40,000.00, I can't be arsed to research it. But then Triple H comes up to you and offers you...whatever he offered Rollins. Of course you'd take it! Like, Rollins is already getting a title shot, right? He's been put into Money in the Bank for the belt?
No?
Well...I dunno what's up with that.
"That was all bullshit, anyways," said Henry Rollins, who claims to be Seth's brother. "Seth just plain didn't like those two. I mean...one's Samoan...yuck..."
I'm not sure Henry's seen what a sexy beast Roman Reigns is, but I digress. Rollins apparently never had an appreciation for his two Shield-mates, only teaming with them and riding with them because he really had no other choice up until this point.
"He used them," said some guy wearing a mask, tending to orphans and speaking in Spanish. "I knew him for years and he just used them to get into WWE. Otherwise he would still be wrestling in front of ten people for peanuts. He did what he had to do and then jumped at the first available opportunity to get away from them."
Is that the real story though?
"From what I heard, Triple H and Stephanie...they swing," said an anonymous ring worker. "And Rollins was into it." What does that mean exactly? "It means Triple H saw Rollins' semi-gay semi-porn semi-wrestling videos and wanted Rollins to Play the Game ever since. Stephanie's cool with it, she's known Hunter's liked men ever since he dated Chyna."
So there you have it. The real story. Rollins turned against The Shield and joined Triple H for the same reason Stephanie turned against Vince. When we called Triple H for comment, he hung up on us. However, he immediately butt dialed us back. We heard some shuffling, the sound of a shovel being put away and then Triple H's voice saying, "Seth get ready to SUUUCCKKK ITTTTT!"
Anyways, Seth Rollins recently gave a brief explanation as to why he turned against blood brothers and bunk mates Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns.
"I didn't sell out, I bought in!" were the words that echoed throughout the arena after that fateful night on 10-10-10. Or...wait...I think that was Jeff Hardy. They look similiar, though, right? Kind of wrestle a similiar style, too.
Well, Rollins said something like that on Raw this past week. And we can't blame him! I mean, how much was he making as a member of The Shield? Minimum wage? In WWE that's like...$60,000.00 a year? Maybe $40,000.00, I can't be arsed to research it. But then Triple H comes up to you and offers you...whatever he offered Rollins. Of course you'd take it! Like, Rollins is already getting a title shot, right? He's been put into Money in the Bank for the belt?
No?
Well...I dunno what's up with that.
"That was all bullshit, anyways," said Henry Rollins, who claims to be Seth's brother. "Seth just plain didn't like those two. I mean...one's Samoan...yuck..."
I'm not sure Henry's seen what a sexy beast Roman Reigns is, but I digress. Rollins apparently never had an appreciation for his two Shield-mates, only teaming with them and riding with them because he really had no other choice up until this point.
"He used them," said some guy wearing a mask, tending to orphans and speaking in Spanish. "I knew him for years and he just used them to get into WWE. Otherwise he would still be wrestling in front of ten people for peanuts. He did what he had to do and then jumped at the first available opportunity to get away from them."
Is that the real story though?
"From what I heard, Triple H and Stephanie...they swing," said an anonymous ring worker. "And Rollins was into it." What does that mean exactly? "It means Triple H saw Rollins' semi-gay semi-porn semi-wrestling videos and wanted Rollins to Play the Game ever since. Stephanie's cool with it, she's known Hunter's liked men ever since he dated Chyna."
So there you have it. The real story. Rollins turned against The Shield and joined Triple H for the same reason Stephanie turned against Vince. When we called Triple H for comment, he hung up on us. However, he immediately butt dialed us back. We heard some shuffling, the sound of a shovel being put away and then Triple H's voice saying, "Seth get ready to SUUUCCKKK ITTTTT!"
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL - She was once a mild mannered wedding planner, making a decent living and being an all around normal, attractive woman. Then she had an affair with the Rated R Superstar and it was all down hill from there.
Alicia Fox was broken that day. We've watched her change over the years, ever since Edge's wedding to Vickie Guerrero, from quiet, shy and somber, to cocky Diva's champion, to undefined and rarely seen Diva performer. But now, it seems Fox has finally snapped completely, and the WWE has gladly aired her nervous breakdown for all to see.
"She needs help," said a former Tough Enough competitor. "She's lost her damn mind and needs to see a doctor!"
"I don't know about a doctor," said a doctor I know, "but she does need acting classes." I'm not sure why he thinks she needs acting classes, but its obvious Fox is at the end of her rope.
Recently on Raw, she has been spouting nonsense, doing things no one in their right mind would do, and generally acting as though she's a female version of R-Truth back when John Morrison stole his WWE title shot.
"Saying 'Silence!' was my thing," we were told by an anonymous WWE superstar wearing a leotard. "She's crazy if she thinks she can just use my intellectual property like that! Sure, I haven't used it recently, but I became more aggressive late last year and aggressive people can't say things like that. It's still my thing, though!"
After speaking with WWE's go to councilor, Dr. Shelby, he told us, "O-M-G! I'd love to help Alicia work out her issues! I mean, look at Daniel Bryan and Kane! They're best friends now all because of me." I then advised Dr. Shelby that Bryan and Kane have been in a violent war with each other for months now to the point where Kane injured Bryan so bad he was forced to vacate the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. "Oh fiddlesticks," he said, lowering his head and walking away like I killed his puppy.
One things for certain: she is still an absolutely terrible wrestler.
Alicia Fox was broken that day. We've watched her change over the years, ever since Edge's wedding to Vickie Guerrero, from quiet, shy and somber, to cocky Diva's champion, to undefined and rarely seen Diva performer. But now, it seems Fox has finally snapped completely, and the WWE has gladly aired her nervous breakdown for all to see.
"She needs help," said a former Tough Enough competitor. "She's lost her damn mind and needs to see a doctor!"
"I don't know about a doctor," said a doctor I know, "but she does need acting classes." I'm not sure why he thinks she needs acting classes, but its obvious Fox is at the end of her rope.
Recently on Raw, she has been spouting nonsense, doing things no one in their right mind would do, and generally acting as though she's a female version of R-Truth back when John Morrison stole his WWE title shot.
"Saying 'Silence!' was my thing," we were told by an anonymous WWE superstar wearing a leotard. "She's crazy if she thinks she can just use my intellectual property like that! Sure, I haven't used it recently, but I became more aggressive late last year and aggressive people can't say things like that. It's still my thing, though!"
After speaking with WWE's go to councilor, Dr. Shelby, he told us, "O-M-G! I'd love to help Alicia work out her issues! I mean, look at Daniel Bryan and Kane! They're best friends now all because of me." I then advised Dr. Shelby that Bryan and Kane have been in a violent war with each other for months now to the point where Kane injured Bryan so bad he was forced to vacate the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. "Oh fiddlesticks," he said, lowering his head and walking away like I killed his puppy.
One things for certain: she is still an absolutely terrible wrestler.
