Post by Seth Drakin of Monster Crap on May 23, 2007 11:05:37 GMT -5
Monster Crap Inductee #42: Super Mario Brothers
Mama Mia…..
1993
These days, we have actually seen great movies based off of video games. Examples of such include Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse and Mortal Kombat are to name a few. The reason these are actually good is the fact that they stay true to the source material. I however can not say the same for the first movie based off a video game, Super Mario Brothers.
It was 1993 and I remember vividly hearing about seeing a trailer to the Super Mario Brothers. At first, I was kind of excited about the idea. That only lasted about 3 seconds before I realized this was going to a live action adaptation. After three seconds, I remembered about the goombas and the koopa troopas and there was no freaking way that this could ever turn out good. Also at this time, you were also seeing trailers to Jurassic Park. Now I was only 9 at the time and rarely did my family go out to see movies so when I had the choice of seeing Super Mario Brothers now or waiting to see Jurassic Park, I chose to wait and was quite happy I did that seeing as how Jurassic Park was very good and Super Mario Brothers was bad.
Yes, the first movie based off of a video game was not only bad, it was dreadful. In fact if you look at the three movies Uwe Boll crapped on us that were based on video games, this movie was worse. I remember getting the original Nintendo for Christmas and the first game I got was a mixture of two games. One of those games was a game for the Nintendo gun which we got called Duck Hunt….
For Once, I Would Love To Shoot That Dog
And the other was a painfully hard game called the Super Mario Brothers. Now when I say painfully hard, I am saying that I was never able to beat that game. Yes, I will admit it, I never beat that game. In fact, if you beat that game, you were actually one in the few guys who are locked in your basement trying to do that. I don’t know about you, but it was very hard not to curse when playing that game.
For those of you who ever cursed during the game, you were probably cursing this movie for raping your childhood. But enough about me cursing that this movie was ever made, let’s just review the damn thing and move on.
Now what we hear before the opening credits is the familiar Super Mario Brothers theme music. Then, we hear a narrator who is trying to be Italian talk about the dinosaurs. We get visuals of the dinosaurs that look like they were made through those old computers.
The First Gay Relationship In The Land Before Time
Then the picture gets somewhat clearer just in time to realize that this whole wooded area was Brooklyn at 65 million years ago. How do we know that, you ask?
Because They Told Us So....Silly
Then the narrator says something happened as a giant meteor hits the Earth. I don’t know about you, but even Vince McMahon is probably saying the same thing I am.
No Crap
Then the narrator questions on what happened if the dinosaurs never went extinct, but instead were sucked into a parallel dimension where dinosaurs continue to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive beings, kind of like us. And then asks what if they found a way out. And for those of you who want to know who was doing the narrator voice, it was Dan Castellaneta, who does the voice for Homer Simpson on The Simpsons. Great, just what I want to hear. An interesting, though very bad theory given to us by the voice of a drunk, lazy father who shouldn’t be allowed to raise three kids.
Okay, well…let me analyze this for a minute. While it is true that the Mario Bros. world is in an alternate dimension, it wasn’t until the American version of Super Mario Bros. 2 that dinosaurs were introduced with Birdo.
The First Transexual Video Game Character As Well
So why they are bringing up dinosaurs when it wasn’t really mentioned in the Mario Bros. universe is anyone’s guess. And one more thing, if that were true that the dinosaurs were not extinct, why do we keep finding bones of them throughout the world. I would believe that if the dinosaurs were truly sucked into a parallel universe that the dinosaur bones would go there too.
Anyway, we move to Brooklyn 20 years ago where a woman is bringing a steel case to a church. She bangs on the church door and runs as the nuns answer and pick up the steel case. The woman goes back into the sewers as the nuns find an egg in the steel case. Back in the sewers, the woman is running away and just so happens to run into King Koopa (played by Dennis Hopper). He asks where the rock is, before allowing a cave in to kill the woman. Back at the church, the egg hatches and in it is a human being. The nuns are praising God for this miracle while looking at a rock.
We then move to Brooklyn today or as of when this movie was released, 1993. We go to a hotel room where we see our two plumbers Mario and Luigi. Now Mario is played by longtime consistent actor Bob Hoskins, but unfortunately while Mario is Italian in the games, Hoskins is actually British. But to be fair, Danny DeVito was originally supposed to play Mario, but unfortunately he backed out. Hoskins has a beard, a mustache and is very husky like Mario so we will let that pass. Luigi is played by John Leguizamo who is Latino. Now he may have somewhat of an Italian accent, he looks nothing like Luigi. Perhaps the directors thought that Latino is close enough to Italian because the word Latino originates from the word Latin, which was formerly the language of Italy way back when. However, as John Leguizamo said in one of his HBO specials years later, the two are not even close to being similar.
Mario & Luigi Really Seem To Want Off This Film
Anyway, Luigi is in the living room watching TV and watching some show called Miraculous World, where a host is talking about the possibility of an alternate dimension, which I have already mentioned was beyond believability. Meanwhile, Mario gets a phone call and a job is asked of the Mario Brothers as plumbers. At least they got that part right. Mario is able to get Luigi off his lazy ass by telling them that they have a job. Mario sees that Luigi has tabloids and can’t believe that he reads that garbage. Luigi defends his reading choices by saying that the stuff on there could happen, which Mario laughs off.
In a scene change, Mario is talking about how they are three months overdue on the rent. While on the road, they are having direction issues with Luigi thinking he knows shortcuts while Mario not believing him. When they get to the place, they are already beaten by the Scapelli Plumbing Service. After that, we get to a news reporter who is talking about students from the local University have forced construction of a building to be shut down. The contractor Anthony Scapelli arrives and goes after the students. The dig is headed by a woman named Daisy (played by Samantha Morris). Samantha Morris was basically famous for dating River Phoenix and was with him when he died of an overdose. Rather bad thing to be famous for so that isn’t a good thing. Anthony Scapelli is pretty pissed that construction is being halted as he doesn’t care about dinosaur bones. Now let’s remember that there is supposed to be a parallel universe where dinosaurs live so why the hell they are on this universe is unfathomable. He takes all his fustrations out on the leader of the dig, Daisy.
Watch Me Blow This Role
Now before I continue, Daisy is referenced to an entirely separate spin-off called Super Mario Land for the Game Boy. Now the problem is that a lot of people confuse Princess Daisy with Princess Toadstool (The princess in Super Mario Bros) and it is obvious that this movie does so as well.
Scapelli threatens Daisy by mentioning the girls who have disappeared in Brooklyn and threatens that the same thing could happen to her. Daisy does not take kindly to this threat and goes to ask the university via pay phone for more security, which she doesn’t get. Meanwhile, she is being followed by two dopes named Spike and Iggy. Now for those of you who don’t know, Spike is a character based off a game Mario was in before the Super Mario Bros. game. The game was called Wrecking Crew and Spike was the final boss in the game. Iggy was actually one of the Koopalings in Mario 3.
Iggy: I'm Disgusted By This Movie
Spike: I'm Shocked By This Movie
They think she is the one and mention that they are the ones who have been going around kidnapping women. Their basic idea is that one of the women is the Princess who holds a secret rock that can mold back the two parallel universes. They are of course King Koopa’s cousins and since people would kind of get suspicious if Dennis Hopper was stalking women, so he sends his cousins to do the dirty work. Basically, Spike and Iggy have a basic interpretation of what the Princess is. She is a woman and has two legs. Jeez….that could be anyone.
Anyway, when Daisy gets to the phone, Luigi lets her use the phone and his change for the call. We also see that Luigi hangs up on a job because for some reason, getting nookie means more than money. Oh well, after Daisy fails to get more security, she thanks Luigi for letting her use the phone. Luigi, who is infatuated by Daisy, stutters while Mario asks Daisy if she would like to go on a date with Luigi. She agrees to the date and when Mario asks to give her a ride back to the dig, she agrees to that as well. She thanks them and we move on to the next scene.
And what is the perfect meal for two Italian plumbers. Why, spaghetti of course. While Luigi has Daisy as a date, Mario has Daniella as his date. Daniella is a chick who s pretty stupid and is your average New York accent.
She annoys us with asking Daisy about dinosaur bones. Daisy reveals that with some dinosaur bones, they think they have found the meteor that destroyed all the dinosaurs. Great, the meteor is somewhere in New York City. Unfortunately, reality would say that the meteor would not be New York or else we would see have seen it by now. However, several years later, we believe we now have found the crater of said Meteor somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.
Daniella wants to give Daisy a tan and we see that the necklace rock that Daisy has is very important. She says that it was the only thing that she was found with and reveals that she was an orphan. Luigi reveals that his parents died and Mario was forced to raise him all his life. Personally, Mario would have to be old enough to do so because if he couldn’t, Mario and Luigi would have to be sent to foster care or to a legal guardian. Daisy seems smitten with the plumber as we see with the look in her eyes. Luigi asks to walk her home and Daisy accepts his offer.
Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are on stakeout and they see Daniella. Unfortunately, they aren’t really intelligent because they now think she is the princess in disguise. Even though she looks nothing like Daisy, they proceed to kidnap Daniella. Meanwhile, the two lovebirds Daisy and Luigi decide to head to the dig site and Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones make us believe that dinosaurs were actually evolving. Once again, why the bones are here is anyone’s guess. While Luigi starts to make the moves on Daisy, and it seems to be working until we see two members of Scapelli’s plumbing trying to sabotage the pipes. Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones will be destroyed if they don’t stop the pipes. Daisy tries to ask Luigi to help since he is a plumber. Unfortunately, Mario is the plumber, so they ask Mario to help out. Mario agrees when he hears that Scapelli is behind it, since he hates him.
Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are back and are talking about the scolding they received by King Koopa. The two are obviously idiots since they don’t know that 0 for 5 means 0%. They then see Daisy and are completely convinced that they found the right girl. While Mario and Luigi are fixing the sabotage attempt, Daisy has been kidnapped by Iggy and Spike. Mario and Luigi figure this out and give chase. They chase Iggy, Spike, and Daisy into a rock wall. They see Daisy coming out of the wall before being pulled back in. However, Luigi (while trying to grab her) grabs the rock necklace. Luigi then gets the bright idea of going into the wall and before Mario can stop him, Luigi does it. Mario follows suit, although he falls through.
Mama Mia…..
1993
These days, we have actually seen great movies based off of video games. Examples of such include Resident Evil 2: Apocalypse and Mortal Kombat are to name a few. The reason these are actually good is the fact that they stay true to the source material. I however can not say the same for the first movie based off a video game, Super Mario Brothers.
It was 1993 and I remember vividly hearing about seeing a trailer to the Super Mario Brothers. At first, I was kind of excited about the idea. That only lasted about 3 seconds before I realized this was going to a live action adaptation. After three seconds, I remembered about the goombas and the koopa troopas and there was no freaking way that this could ever turn out good. Also at this time, you were also seeing trailers to Jurassic Park. Now I was only 9 at the time and rarely did my family go out to see movies so when I had the choice of seeing Super Mario Brothers now or waiting to see Jurassic Park, I chose to wait and was quite happy I did that seeing as how Jurassic Park was very good and Super Mario Brothers was bad.
Yes, the first movie based off of a video game was not only bad, it was dreadful. In fact if you look at the three movies Uwe Boll crapped on us that were based on video games, this movie was worse. I remember getting the original Nintendo for Christmas and the first game I got was a mixture of two games. One of those games was a game for the Nintendo gun which we got called Duck Hunt….
For Once, I Would Love To Shoot That Dog
And the other was a painfully hard game called the Super Mario Brothers. Now when I say painfully hard, I am saying that I was never able to beat that game. Yes, I will admit it, I never beat that game. In fact, if you beat that game, you were actually one in the few guys who are locked in your basement trying to do that. I don’t know about you, but it was very hard not to curse when playing that game.
For those of you who ever cursed during the game, you were probably cursing this movie for raping your childhood. But enough about me cursing that this movie was ever made, let’s just review the damn thing and move on.
Now what we hear before the opening credits is the familiar Super Mario Brothers theme music. Then, we hear a narrator who is trying to be Italian talk about the dinosaurs. We get visuals of the dinosaurs that look like they were made through those old computers.
The First Gay Relationship In The Land Before Time
Then the picture gets somewhat clearer just in time to realize that this whole wooded area was Brooklyn at 65 million years ago. How do we know that, you ask?
Because They Told Us So....Silly
Then the narrator says something happened as a giant meteor hits the Earth. I don’t know about you, but even Vince McMahon is probably saying the same thing I am.
No Crap
Then the narrator questions on what happened if the dinosaurs never went extinct, but instead were sucked into a parallel dimension where dinosaurs continue to thrive and evolve into intelligent, vicious, aggressive beings, kind of like us. And then asks what if they found a way out. And for those of you who want to know who was doing the narrator voice, it was Dan Castellaneta, who does the voice for Homer Simpson on The Simpsons. Great, just what I want to hear. An interesting, though very bad theory given to us by the voice of a drunk, lazy father who shouldn’t be allowed to raise three kids.
Okay, well…let me analyze this for a minute. While it is true that the Mario Bros. world is in an alternate dimension, it wasn’t until the American version of Super Mario Bros. 2 that dinosaurs were introduced with Birdo.
The First Transexual Video Game Character As Well
So why they are bringing up dinosaurs when it wasn’t really mentioned in the Mario Bros. universe is anyone’s guess. And one more thing, if that were true that the dinosaurs were not extinct, why do we keep finding bones of them throughout the world. I would believe that if the dinosaurs were truly sucked into a parallel universe that the dinosaur bones would go there too.
Anyway, we move to Brooklyn 20 years ago where a woman is bringing a steel case to a church. She bangs on the church door and runs as the nuns answer and pick up the steel case. The woman goes back into the sewers as the nuns find an egg in the steel case. Back in the sewers, the woman is running away and just so happens to run into King Koopa (played by Dennis Hopper). He asks where the rock is, before allowing a cave in to kill the woman. Back at the church, the egg hatches and in it is a human being. The nuns are praising God for this miracle while looking at a rock.
We then move to Brooklyn today or as of when this movie was released, 1993. We go to a hotel room where we see our two plumbers Mario and Luigi. Now Mario is played by longtime consistent actor Bob Hoskins, but unfortunately while Mario is Italian in the games, Hoskins is actually British. But to be fair, Danny DeVito was originally supposed to play Mario, but unfortunately he backed out. Hoskins has a beard, a mustache and is very husky like Mario so we will let that pass. Luigi is played by John Leguizamo who is Latino. Now he may have somewhat of an Italian accent, he looks nothing like Luigi. Perhaps the directors thought that Latino is close enough to Italian because the word Latino originates from the word Latin, which was formerly the language of Italy way back when. However, as John Leguizamo said in one of his HBO specials years later, the two are not even close to being similar.
Mario & Luigi Really Seem To Want Off This Film
Anyway, Luigi is in the living room watching TV and watching some show called Miraculous World, where a host is talking about the possibility of an alternate dimension, which I have already mentioned was beyond believability. Meanwhile, Mario gets a phone call and a job is asked of the Mario Brothers as plumbers. At least they got that part right. Mario is able to get Luigi off his lazy ass by telling them that they have a job. Mario sees that Luigi has tabloids and can’t believe that he reads that garbage. Luigi defends his reading choices by saying that the stuff on there could happen, which Mario laughs off.
In a scene change, Mario is talking about how they are three months overdue on the rent. While on the road, they are having direction issues with Luigi thinking he knows shortcuts while Mario not believing him. When they get to the place, they are already beaten by the Scapelli Plumbing Service. After that, we get to a news reporter who is talking about students from the local University have forced construction of a building to be shut down. The contractor Anthony Scapelli arrives and goes after the students. The dig is headed by a woman named Daisy (played by Samantha Morris). Samantha Morris was basically famous for dating River Phoenix and was with him when he died of an overdose. Rather bad thing to be famous for so that isn’t a good thing. Anthony Scapelli is pretty pissed that construction is being halted as he doesn’t care about dinosaur bones. Now let’s remember that there is supposed to be a parallel universe where dinosaurs live so why the hell they are on this universe is unfathomable. He takes all his fustrations out on the leader of the dig, Daisy.
Watch Me Blow This Role
Now before I continue, Daisy is referenced to an entirely separate spin-off called Super Mario Land for the Game Boy. Now the problem is that a lot of people confuse Princess Daisy with Princess Toadstool (The princess in Super Mario Bros) and it is obvious that this movie does so as well.
Scapelli threatens Daisy by mentioning the girls who have disappeared in Brooklyn and threatens that the same thing could happen to her. Daisy does not take kindly to this threat and goes to ask the university via pay phone for more security, which she doesn’t get. Meanwhile, she is being followed by two dopes named Spike and Iggy. Now for those of you who don’t know, Spike is a character based off a game Mario was in before the Super Mario Bros. game. The game was called Wrecking Crew and Spike was the final boss in the game. Iggy was actually one of the Koopalings in Mario 3.
Iggy: I'm Disgusted By This Movie
Spike: I'm Shocked By This Movie
They think she is the one and mention that they are the ones who have been going around kidnapping women. Their basic idea is that one of the women is the Princess who holds a secret rock that can mold back the two parallel universes. They are of course King Koopa’s cousins and since people would kind of get suspicious if Dennis Hopper was stalking women, so he sends his cousins to do the dirty work. Basically, Spike and Iggy have a basic interpretation of what the Princess is. She is a woman and has two legs. Jeez….that could be anyone.
Anyway, when Daisy gets to the phone, Luigi lets her use the phone and his change for the call. We also see that Luigi hangs up on a job because for some reason, getting nookie means more than money. Oh well, after Daisy fails to get more security, she thanks Luigi for letting her use the phone. Luigi, who is infatuated by Daisy, stutters while Mario asks Daisy if she would like to go on a date with Luigi. She agrees to the date and when Mario asks to give her a ride back to the dig, she agrees to that as well. She thanks them and we move on to the next scene.
And what is the perfect meal for two Italian plumbers. Why, spaghetti of course. While Luigi has Daisy as a date, Mario has Daniella as his date. Daniella is a chick who s pretty stupid and is your average New York accent.
She annoys us with asking Daisy about dinosaur bones. Daisy reveals that with some dinosaur bones, they think they have found the meteor that destroyed all the dinosaurs. Great, the meteor is somewhere in New York City. Unfortunately, reality would say that the meteor would not be New York or else we would see have seen it by now. However, several years later, we believe we now have found the crater of said Meteor somewhere in the Caribbean Sea.
Daniella wants to give Daisy a tan and we see that the necklace rock that Daisy has is very important. She says that it was the only thing that she was found with and reveals that she was an orphan. Luigi reveals that his parents died and Mario was forced to raise him all his life. Personally, Mario would have to be old enough to do so because if he couldn’t, Mario and Luigi would have to be sent to foster care or to a legal guardian. Daisy seems smitten with the plumber as we see with the look in her eyes. Luigi asks to walk her home and Daisy accepts his offer.
Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are on stakeout and they see Daniella. Unfortunately, they aren’t really intelligent because they now think she is the princess in disguise. Even though she looks nothing like Daisy, they proceed to kidnap Daniella. Meanwhile, the two lovebirds Daisy and Luigi decide to head to the dig site and Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones make us believe that dinosaurs were actually evolving. Once again, why the bones are here is anyone’s guess. While Luigi starts to make the moves on Daisy, and it seems to be working until we see two members of Scapelli’s plumbing trying to sabotage the pipes. Daisy reveals that the dinosaur bones will be destroyed if they don’t stop the pipes. Daisy tries to ask Luigi to help since he is a plumber. Unfortunately, Mario is the plumber, so they ask Mario to help out. Mario agrees when he hears that Scapelli is behind it, since he hates him.
Meanwhile, Spike and Iggy are back and are talking about the scolding they received by King Koopa. The two are obviously idiots since they don’t know that 0 for 5 means 0%. They then see Daisy and are completely convinced that they found the right girl. While Mario and Luigi are fixing the sabotage attempt, Daisy has been kidnapped by Iggy and Spike. Mario and Luigi figure this out and give chase. They chase Iggy, Spike, and Daisy into a rock wall. They see Daisy coming out of the wall before being pulled back in. However, Luigi (while trying to grab her) grabs the rock necklace. Luigi then gets the bright idea of going into the wall and before Mario can stop him, Luigi does it. Mario follows suit, although he falls through.