I'm watching Bright on a Wednesday morning

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

will smith is watching a joe rogan experience episode with the minister of ork relations or some shit
[11:00 AM]
theyre listening to a snoop dogg song where dude said scandalous bananas
[11:02 AM]
the ork just put death metal on and will smith said we're not listneing to orkish music

"you know what they say -- once with the darklord, always with the darklord" oh my god

So I'm going thru some things rn. May need to give my knee a bit of a lift. I'm like half an hour in. This movie isn't great. 

[Cyno]

Why are you punishing yourself in such a way?

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

"feds don't give a shit about the LA ork community" im not even half an hour in dude
[11:22 AM]
this dude is being interrogated and revealing the legend of the human brights and how they can be identified by
[11:22 AM]
touching a magic wand and not exploding
[11:22 AM]
if yr a non bright human and u touch a wand it's boom curtains

WE NEED BACKUP
[11:27 AM]
POSSIBLE MAGIC USER ON SCENE
[11:29 AM]
justin long just held the wand for like 10 seconds and didn't explode
[11:29 AM]
what THE f*** ARE THE RULES
[11:31 AM]
okay now all the other cops are threatening to kill will smith for the sake of ork racism
[11:31 AM]
matt serra is one of the cops
[11:32 AM]
"you f***ed my whole life over some stupid ork knucklehead"

So Will Smith just shot the other cops for their ork racism and stole the magic wand. They're trying to go home but a gang of magic enjoying cholo dudes won't let them. 

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

The things that Will Smith is having to say in this movie. Sweet lord.

"Go ahead and pull your gun. I will f*** you up in a gun fight." WHAT

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

So the wand is like "a nuclear weapon that grants wishes" so the cops and the gangsters both want it even tho I can't stress this enough they literally said if a non-Bright human touches the wand they'll f***ing explode

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

OKAY SO NOW A HUMAN TOUCHES IT AND INSTANTLY EXPLODES. WHAT THE f*** WAS JUSTIN LONG THEN? WAS HE THE BRIGHT? HE'S DEAD SO NOW SO IT DOESN'T RLY MATTER BUT WTF.

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

this wheel chair gangster can't walk and thats why he wants the wand so bad
[11:56 AM]
but the orc cop refuses to let him have it
[11:56 AM]
even tho
[11:56 AM]
he'll explode if he touches it so what's the f***ing problem just let them f***ing GRAB IT
[11:57 AM]
elf secret service is here doing elf kung fu

HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THE WAND TO WANT IT BUT NOT ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT'LL EXPLODE THEM ON CONTACT MAX LANDIS I THOUGHT THIS WAS YR STAR WARS 

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

GOOD GUY COP SHOWS UP AND CALLS THE FEDS CAUSE IT'S THE THING TO DO BUT THE FEDS ARE ELVES YOU SEE SO HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE'S DONE

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

damn a good guy cop shows up nd calls the feds cause its what yr supposed to do
[12:04 PM]
BUT THE FEDS ARE THE ELVES
[12:08 PM]
they've esca[ed the fed elves
[12:08 PM]
but now the orc gangsters are cornering them
[12:09 PM]
will smith just called them shrek looking motherf***ers and to go back t fionna
[12:09 PM]
max landis needs to meet me in the octagon
[12:09 PM]
now they've been kidnapped by the orcs and brought to their lair where everything is antlers for reasons

every year this orc gang leader throws a party for all races with no guns allowed but then those damn humans brought guns

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

of course these orcs can't kill ppl normally and have to throw them in to a f***ing bottomless pit
[12:16 PM]
the orc that was supposed to kill orc cop refuses to kill orc cop because i guess he was the one that orc cop saved at the beginning
[12:17 PM]
gang leader orc shoots orc cop and dude falls in to the pit but i know dude's not gonna die cause there's like no tension
[12:17 PM]
AS I TYPE THIS ELF LKADY IS BRINGING HIM BACK TO LIFE

So friendly elf lady is sick now and the mission is to save her now? They've still got the wand and everything but Will Smith still wants to go to the feds? Even though he already saw that the feds are the elves? 

[UN PLOMBIER NIGHTMARE #blm]

i have a hard time believing this movie is the best one of us on here could do

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

The kung fu fed elves have arrived for battle and one of them already got blown up by Will Smith making a f***ing SWIPE LEFT joke. The kung fu elves are all dead now but there's some shit with a tree to take care of. Lets GO.

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

OH NO HE COOL BLONDE KUNG FU ELF SURVIVED AND TEASED A KISS WITH THE ELF UNDERWATER

"I am a warrior. A priestess. A lover. Whatever the Dark Lord wants me to be." MAAAX

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

Now the elves are moaning something to eachother about WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR SISTER or some shit so I guess that's a lore dump. Cool kung fu elf villain is telling Will he'll explode if he touches the wand just to make it a lil less subtle that Will Smith is the human Bright. He grabbed it and is fine cause guess what idiot. Lil Wingardium Leviosa and the building explodes but the magic elf tree pool is still there but the elves are gone and Will Smith is screaming for Tika (I literally just learned this is the friendly elf's name) even tho they've had like no friendly interactions. Orc Cop is going thru a burning building trying to save something or someone.

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

The orc gangsters came back and slit their hands to let Orc Cop know that he is Blooded which is like somewhere between getting jumped in and a Bar Mitzvah it's a whole f***ing thing

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

The movie ends on Will Smith & Orc Cop giving their deposition to the head of the fed elves (who was literally trying to kill them for the wand this whole movie) and everything's cool and they get awarded medals and friendly elf Tika wanders thru the crowd like hey I gotchu and Will is like hehe and the inspirational wooaoOWOAOOAAWH music hits then a wacky screaming fairy goes BLAHHH and that's the end of the movie. We did it.

[Chiral]

from the mind behind "Buhby: He duminade?"

[Clash, Never a Meter Maid]

Why are the Orcs Latino? Just, why?

Now I love a good neo noir, but Ayer though he was making a profound social statement with this. The main problem is (aside from Will Smith playing a character that Mike Lowry would want to punch in the face and demand to be paired back up with Marcus again) that you can do either a coded or uncoded allegory if the characters are well written and the world makes sense.

Like with Beastars, that’s an uncoded animal society and it’s a fun coming of age teen story, except the teen is a wolf. Judy and Nick overcoming their personal and unconscious biases in Zootopia was such a hit because that’s relatable to anybody, even though they’re coded as “bunny” and “fox” without representing an *exact* group. The X-Men is an uncoded social metaphor as every race around the world has the mutant gene, but we like watching them save the world and fight for equality and Wolverine calling everyone “bub”. Even with allegories that *are* directly coded, like how Aggretsuko’s animal characters are clearly Japanese, that was a hit because everyone can like and relate to Retsuko hating her job and wanting to do more.

With Bright, it’s this combo of insanely uncomfortable metaphors and gangster goblins, Will trying to be edgy and failing, and being barely able to see anything despite the title and a magical artifact that comes out of nowhere that I’m left wondering what Ayer was smoking. He’s like the Ralph Bakshi of crime stories, just throwing out whatever. This was like a live action Cool World with less boobs.

[Jacy Jayne Atomic Dog AMV]

Anyway here's the exact moment I knew I was in hell

[Lizuka #BLM]

Can we talk about the fact that Shrek exists in this continuity and the wealth of implications that brings to the universe. If nothing else this is like if in the real world in 2001 there were an animated kids' movie about a guy who is a reclusive loner because he's not white, a woman is hiding the shameful secret that she is also sometimes not white, and ultimately she has to choose to stay that way to be with him because they can't possibly be an interracial couple.