Pretend WWE News/Notes

[Johnny D]

Like the silly WCW news/notes thread in (w)rest of wrestling but WWE-ized.

[Lancers]

I see I'm not the only one who remembers Twin Peaks around here.

[smartcenadude]

i remember an snl sketch involving it from around 1996

[seano]

- Jakks Pacific has announced the next WWE Classic Superstars 3-pack will be a special Barry Darsow collection: Krusher Khruschev, Blacktop Bully and "Hole-in-One." Likewise, a Steve Lombardi 3-pack will feature Abe Knuckleball Schwartz, Kimchee and "DVD Documentary Interviewee" Lombardi and shall be released later in 2008.

[poi zen rana]

mrlancers said:

I see I'm not the only one who remembers Twin Peaks around here.

of course not.

[Lancers]

- Rumors have been circulating for months that the WWE would like to keep John Cena as WWE Champion until 2012.

- While this cannot be confirmed, there is evidence indicating that the WWE is interested in signing Tony Schiavone to be the heir apparent to Jim Ross on RAW telecasts and Jerry Lawler would likely be replaced by a trained monkey. Many insiders feel the trained monkey would have more insightful comments than that of Lawler.

- Vince McMahon is thinking about reopening WWE New York, their failed resturant in Manhattan, and refurbish the place as a strip club/bordello. The NYC Police Department will likely shut the place down immediately if word gets out about solicitation and prostitution occurring.

- Speculation is increasing that the USA Network wants RAW to be extended to FOUR hours instead of the rumored three. Chances are they will devote the 4th hour to midget skits and cock jokes with potential for Triple H holiday variety specials when applicable.

- Many wrestlers are concerned about the growing speculation of steroids within the organization. For example, Rey Mysterio only uses Flintstones chewables for vitamin supplements. Of course, jokes are running rampant that it's too late for Rey to be taking those seeing as that he's already maximized his height.

- With the releases of Cryme Tyme, Eugene and Sandman, expect a big push very soon for Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Possibly a IC Title run isn't out of the question.

- Allegedly, Mr. Lancers has had sexual relations with the majority of the WWE divas. While no parties are available for comment, many claim that they've seen Mr. Lancers backstage at WWE events carrying a box of condoms and AAA hotel guides.

[plushtar]

Crossover:

It is being reported that even people in the WWF are begining to worry about Kevin Nash' sanity. Nash has been rumored to be calling Vince McMahon about something called the WWE and that this WWE owns WCW. McMahon is said to be considering a restraining order when Kevin Nash reportedly asked if he could give the WWF cancer and if he could join something called the Kiss My Ass club.

[nerdinitupagain]

- In shocking news, Vince McMahon decided that Raw needs more McMahons. He decided to dig up his father's grave and start a necrophiliac, incestual love affair between his father and his daughter. He figures this will add another 5 years to the freshnessof the McMahon family storyline.

- Hardcore Holly recently asked for a WWE World Title run as a thank you for his hard work to the company with the impending end of his career. He was told he already had won the World Heavyweight Title years back. When he argued, he was given a picture of a poorly pasted picture of his head onto a body holding the World Title and embracing with Eddie Guerro.

- WWE accounting recently was miffed at a million dollar bill from Metallica for rights to Enter Sandman for the last year. When the head of accounting spoke with Stephanie McMahon, she said "Yes we got the rights, but I thought it would be better to establish a WWE theme for Sandman as he would get over faster because the fans would embrace him more that way. Plus, the amount of money we will make selling the Sandman's exlusive WWE theme via WWE Records will vastly outweigh the cost we spent on Enter Sandman." Apparently, the same goes for Tommy Dreamer and Man in the Box, except all they paid for that was a few bottles of heroin and viles of cocaine that had been confiscated years ago from Jake Robert's locker.

[Next Level was WRONG]

- After her recent mysterious firing from WWE, Barbie Blank aka Kelly Kelly-Khali has filed a sexual harassment suit against Johnny Ace. Both Blank and her new husband Balls Mahoney are apparently outraged by the recent incident involving Ace, Blank, a garden hose and a small Chihuahua at Micheal Hayes annual BBQ.

- In an attempt to stop the lawsuit before it even begins, WWE have offered Balls a significant push on WWE programming under a "Police Academy" angle. It has been reported that Shane McMahon loves the idea, however no-one actually listens to what he says.

- In other Mahoney-Blank related news, Andrew "Test" Martin has apparently been attempting recreate the Matt Hardy-Edge-Lita-gate saga with himself in the Hardy role, despite the fact that he and Blank hadn't seen each other in over three months before her wedding with Balls.

- Martin has been seen throwing rocks at their house in New Jersey screaming obscenities, threats, and random drunken outbursts about "Knocking up Stephanie whilst he had the chance."

[Just Jay]

-Expect to see Santino Marella as the new Rock. Management have been very keen on Santino's performance and Brian Gerwitz is pushing for Santino to have his own catchphrases, memorbillia, and things of the sort.

-JAKKS Pacific have a prototype "Vince Likes Cock" action figure complete with pumping action.

-Batista has apparently gotten his title last Sunday, though it appears as though he still wants it back.

-The Great Khali has thought about teaching English courses at Harvard University when he retires. He has saved up a lot of money, and is expected to get out of the buisness soon.

-Mark Henry has signed another 10 contract with a reported 5 year long title run on ECW.

-CM Punk is just about done on ECW, with CM Punk having the worst match of the year. Triple H and Stephanie were said to be very upset because of this, and as a result Miz will take over as ECW Champion. In related news, Paul Heyman has died a bit inside.

[Deleted]

-Rumors backstage have hinted heavily at an upcoming Jimmy Yang push. The current plan is for him to win the Rumble, change over to RAW and win the title from Cena in a HIAC match.

-Expect to see HHH out of action soon. The general consensus is that since Steph is calling the shots that she should have possession of the family penis. The surgical removal of HHH's genitalia is scheduled for the end of next month, but that date could change depending on fan reaction.

[Push R Truth]

- John Cena Wins.

[Deleted]

- Vince Mcmahon last week for the first time saw an episode of the show Seinfeld and was such a big fan he plans on creating a Seinfeld stable. Expected to play the roles are Christ Masters as Jerry, Mark Henry as George, Khali as Kramer and Vickie Guerrero as Elaine. They're planned to feud with Visera who is being repackaged as Newman.

- In order to make the show more current and cutting edge WWE has hired Skid Row to write a new opening theme for Smackdown.

- Britney Spears superfan Chris Crocker is expected to appear at Survivor Series. The current plan is for him to win the women's title.

[Turd Ferguson]

BREAKING NEWS!



Gorilla Monsoon is still dead.

[jobber2thestars]

-The WWE is said to be very embarrassed over the recent recall of JR's BBQ sauce. In what is considered to be a very classy move, Vince McMahon has agreed to pay for all of the funerals of the victims.

[Fundertaker]

- Val Venis seems to be on going on a strange behavior as of late. He was screaming things like being an Intercontinental Champion and how he would catch Kaientai as soon as he could to avenge his "pee-pee" being "choppy-choped"

- He also found Stevie Richards and asked him "Steven, what are we going to censor next? The Hardcore Title Match between Perry Saturn and Pete Gas?".

- Richards is quoted in responding: "I'LL SHOW YOU! YOU'LL SEE!"

[hassanchop]

plushtar said:

Crossover:

It is being reported that even people in the WWF are begining to worry about Kevin Nash' sanity. Nash has been rumored to be calling Vince McMahon about something called the WWE and that this WWE owns WCW. McMahon is said to be considering a restraining order when Kevin Nash reportedly asked if he could give the WWF cancer and if he could join something called the Kiss My Ass club.

Here's one: Chuck Palumbo is said to be offended about some things Nash said about him, like going to the "WWE", and teaming up with "Kip James", according to Nash is(was) Billy Gunn, and will have a fake wedding, with Bischoff sending 3-Minute Warning to attack them both. Palumbo demanded that WCW management talk to Nash, and Billy Gunn threatens to sue WCW for libel. However, WWF management feels this sounds like a good idea, for now.

Earl Hebner was sending complains that Nash has been calling him and saying things about him working as a referee in T & A, and attacking WCW Slick Johnson for getting him fired.

[r.]

In Breaking news today, as covered by NBC,ABC,CNN,CBS,PBS,UPN,FOX,C-SPAN,WC and all other news outlets the world is still recovering from a massive impolsion causing almost every building ever made to collapse after former wwe champion john cena failed to overcome the odds and retain his belt, currently there are 500 known crisis center's to help the bewilderd children of the chaingang. We will be back to interview bill gates on how he plans on rebuilding the internet after it exploded upon hearing the news.


In a completly unreatled story, tommy dreamer is fat.

[Limey]

-CM Punk may or may not have a significant amount of heat backstage.

-Cena may or may not be seen as overrated by those calling themselves the "IWC".

-Professional wrester Umaga "You-Manga" Mangaman may or may not be Samoan.

-ECW Vixen Kelly "Kelly-Kelly" Kelly may or may not have actual wrestling ability.

-Ken Shamrock may or may not have been terminated from the WWE some time ago.

-WWE may or may not be a show on television that may or may not promote itself as being based mainly around the concept of professional wrestling.

-Life as you know it may or may not be the imagination of a brain sitting in a jar in a lab in Utica somewhere supercharged by the effects of a cosmic storm so it governs all whilst we are mere puppets to its will, doing what it commands without question simply because it subtly tells us to for reasons unknown. It may or may not be conscious that it is the single commanding force in the multiverse. This brain in a jar may or may not be God.

-Credit Rajah.com.

[#Classic Hi-Definition X]

From One Expose To Another:

This just in: we've just received word that ECW's Extreme Expose will be replaced these ladies:



the 80s freestyle group Expose. The Miami-based trio will appear halfway through the show performing such hits as "Point Of No Return".