A beat up Toyota is shown pulling up to a building. The driver, who is a homeless man, gets out and opens up the back driver side door. None other than Elix Skipper gets out. The camera pans over to the building. The sign reads: EXTENDZ.
TNA iMPACT on FSN!
We cut into the impact zone, where RealVince is in the ring. RealVince says that last week, he promised a suprise, and tonight, he's here to deliver. Six nuns walk out from the back to the ring. RealVince says it's time for the WET NUN contest. RealVince grabs a hose from ringside and turns the pump to start spraying the nuns with water. RealVince says that the ratings are going up by the second and keeps spraying the nuns. Out of nowhere, BIG TILLY runs out to the ring and slides into the ring. TILLY covers up one of the nuns and carries her off to the back. RealVince looks angry and confused as he storms off to the back.
In jail, Homicide is sitting in his cell. Garza busts in the door and slips him a bag of coke. Garza says that if Homicide doesn't sell that @#%$, he's gonna cut his throat and sell him to Don Harris, just like Hernandez. Garza yells to the next cell if Hernandez likes his new roommate. The camera pans over to the next cell. Don Harris is cuddling with Hernandez on the bed, smiling while Hernandez sobs.
RealVince is in the back with Big Tilly and the nun. RealVince asks Tilly what he was doing. He tells Tilly that he just ruined the highest rated segment on the whole damn show. Tilly, the nun, and RealVince gasp as RealVince drops to his knees and apologizes for swearing. Tilly drops a bombshell when he reveals that the nun is TILLY'S MOTHER.
Hoyt Benoit is walking through the woods. He says that now that he and Kip are divorced, he's going to his one true love today on Impact. Hoyt stops and says he thinks he heard something. Hoyt stops and looks over his shoulder. He says he hears something again and runs into a cabin. The camera follows Hoyt Benoit into the cabin. Hoyt says he is scared. A shadowy figure CREEPS in the background and comes up behind Hoyt. Hoyt turns around and BIG BOOTS the shadowy figure. Benoit lights a candle. It's ABYSS. Abyss is laid out on the floor as Hoyt Benoit leaves the cabin. As Hoyt Benoit is leaving the cabin, he sees STING swinging from a vine. Sting is laughing like a little kid and says "IT'S SHOWTIME" before Hoyt BIG BOOTS Sting off of the vine! Hoyt keeps walking through the woods saying he is seriously creeped. scratch, scratch, scratch. Hoyt stops. scratch scratch scratch. Hoyt looks around and doesn't see anything. scratch scra.. HOYT BIG BOOTS THE AIR. Hoyt holds the candle up. It's RAVEN. Raven was CARVING HIS NAME INTO A TREE. Hoyt keeps walking before stopping and smelling the air. He turns around and sees Havok sitting on a log with leaves in his hand. Hoyt BIG BOOTS Havok off of the log but slips so his boot lands in HAVOK'S @#%$. Hoyt acts disgusted and keeps walking to his true love.
The FSNWO are looking for David Young backstage.
Elix is at Extendz, waiting outside of the office of the Extendz CEO Ryan Wilson. He is reading a Newspaper and looks up at a door across the hall that says "EXTENDZ PROTOTYPE: DO NOT ENTER" Elix looks around and walks into the door.
Kip James is in the back with Baby Daniels in a stroller. Kip James talks about how Hoyt Benoit was a bad husband. Baby Daniels starts talking from the stroller about how Hoyt Benoit was a bad father who was never there for him and never paid child support. Baby Daniels says all he wanted to do was play catch and all Hoyt Benoit wanted to do was take steroids. Baby Daniels and Kip start to cry as Baby Daniels tells Hoyt that he hates him
RealVince is at the office truck. Shark Boy comes up. RealVince tells Shark Boy that he plays a good shark character and he is gonna help them get a 1.0 rating. RealVince hands Shark Boy the X-Division title and tells him he can have it.
NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: SHARK BOY
RealVince says that the only catch is that Shark Boy has to defend his title against AJ Styles tonight 'cause Dixie Carter said there needed to be a match in the ring. RealVince tells Shark Boy not to worry because AJ Styles "isn't that good".
Christian and Samoa Joe are at the hospital. Christian and Joe are arguing about who gets to take a bath. Joe gets pissed and challenges Christian to a match. Winner gets to take a bath.
WHEELCHAIR MATCH
WINNER TAKES A BATH
SAMOA JOE VS CHRISTIAN
Joe rolls his wheelchair into Christian. Christian rolls back and rolls into Joe. Christian knocks Joe back with his wheelchair and clutches his arms on the handle of the chair. CHRISTIAN STARTS TO STAND UP. Christian shakily stands up out of his chair and slowly TAKES A STEP. Chris Harris and James Storm run in and Harris clotheslines Christian. Storm pushes Joe out the door down a flight of stairs and Joe rolls out the door onto the beach. Harris jumps up onto the bed and Storm lays the crippled Christian out over his knee. Harris jumps off the hospital bed and hits the DEATH SENTENCE. Storm gets in the camera's face and says that next week, Harris and Storm wants to face the Black Reign and any Negro of his choosing in a PRINCE OF DARKNESS REVENGE MATCH. The nurse comes in and Storm starts making out with her. Harris makes out with her too.
The FSNWO are still looking for David Young. Bentley, Lovette, and Quartermaine are looking in the locker room. Bentley says he hears something and running water is heard. FSNWO go back into the shower area and pull back the curtain to reveal DAVID YOUNG. The FSNWO start to beat him down. Bentley beats down David Young with the shampoo bottle, and Lovette and Quartermaine turn the water to scolding hot. All of the sudden, two HOODED men run in and start beating on the FSNWO. Their jackets read MR. WRESTLING VIII and MR. WRESTLING IX. The Mr. Wrestlings take out the FSNWO and hand David Young a towel.
Elix is wandering around the mysterious DO NOT ENTER room and he comes across a golden pill in a glass case. Elix looks at it and holds it in his hand. Elix looks around and throws the pill in his mouth and swallows it. Ryan Wilson bursts in the door and asks Elix if he has any idea what he has just done. Elix looks down at his pants as a bulge starts to form and grow larger and larger. Wilson tells the camera man to get out. Wilson and the camera man dive out the door as an EXPLOSION is heard.
Text comes on the screen: "Relaxin' With Tomko." Tomko is shown laying on the beach in Florida with his NWA title belt, just laying in the sun getting a tan and reading a Goosebumps book. A little kid comes up to Tomko and tells him he is the best champ ever and asks him if he can hold his belt. Tomko says he doesn't care and the kid holds the belt. Suddenly the kid gets bit by a crab and drops the belt. The NWA title is swept into the ocean by the TIDE. Tomko gets angry and turns on the kid. Tomko dunks the kid's head into the water and tells him to go get it. Tomko kicks the kid into the ocean.
Hoyt Benoit is running through the woods and says that he is about to reveal his true love to the world. Hoyt comes to a cemetery and starts walking through the cemetery until he stops at the grave of THE FABULOUS MOOLAH. Hoyt says that at last he is reunited with his true love. Hoyt turns away from the camera and begins to URINATE on her grave. Hoyt then realizes he still has Havok's @#%$ on his shoe and wipes it on Moolah's tombstone. The creepers are hiding behind another tombstone laughing.
RealVince is in his office truck. Nun Tilly comes up to RealVince and thanks him for letting her get wet earlier. RealVince says he is a good christian. RealVince says he is such a good christian that he wants to take Nun Tilly out for dinner next week. RealVince asks Nun Tilly if she's free next Friday.. at 3pm. Nun Tilly says she would love to. RealVince says he's got reservations and a coupon at Long John Silvers. RealVince he loves anything that smells like fish. Nun Tilly laughs and says she will call him. Bruno comes up to RealVince and tells him that Nun Tilly is no good. RealVince says he needs to get laid. Bruno says that when he was at the frat house, she used to bake chocolate cookies for all the frat boys. Bruno says he never got any, cause he was ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.
Back in jail, Steiner, Kurt, Garza, and Homicide are sitting down to eat. Homicide says that the neo-nazis are hogging all of the green Jello. Steiner gets pissed and runs over to the cafeteria line and belly suplexes all of the neo-nazis and gets one locked in the steiner recliner before the guards try to pull him off. Steiner fights back and has to be TAZED. Steiner is tazed by the guards and pepper sprayed before being carried away.
AJ Styles comes down to the ring, followed by the NEW X-Division champion, Shark Boy.
X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP
SHARK BOY © VS AJ STYLES
Shark Boy and AJ Styles square off in the ring. AJ offers his hand to Shark Boy but low-blows him. Baby Daniels jumps out from the crowd and stares at AJ from ringside. AJ looks flustered as Baby Daniels stands, grinning. Shark Boy starts to get up, and Baby Daniels reaches into his diaper and tosses AJ a foreign object. AJ turns and hits Shark Boy with it. AJ looks at it only to realize that is a DILDO. Tenay and West freak out as AJ looks down at Daniels. AJ sniffs and holds the dildo up to his nose, smelling it, before dropping it on the ground and freaking out. AJ looks disgusted, but covers Shark Boy for the pin 1....2.....3!
WINNER AND NEW X-DIVISION CHAMPION: AJ STYLES
Baby Daniels is rubbing his hands together and licking his lips as AJ runs to the back to wash his hands.
Elix is laying on the floor with a towel over his genital area. "The Medic" Ryan Wilson carries him out the front door to a RED AMBULANCE. KEVIN NORTHCUTT emerges from the front of the vehicle and asks what happened? Wilson says Elix took the SUPEREXTENDZ prototype. Northcutt gasps and says they need to get him to the hospital quick. RED SHIRT MEDICS load Elix into the back of the ambulance and turn on the siren as they drive away.
Back on the beach, Tomko is pacing around waiting for the little kid to get his belt. Out of nowhere, a FISHING BOAT pulls up to shore. SAMOA JOE IS IN THE FISHING BOAT. Joe says that "big, ugly gold thing" caught his reel. He throws the rusty title belt back to Tomko and invites Tomko to go fishing with him. Tomko says "THAT SOUNDS RELAXING" and gets on the boat as it makes its way out to sea. The little kid is seen flailing around and yelling for help in the distance.
Erik Watts comes out to the ring and grabs a mic. Erik Watts says that this was the absolute worst wrestling program he has ever seen. Watts says that there were wet nuns, Hoyt Benoit totally disrespecting the memory of The Fabulous Moolah, jail fights, dildos, wheelchair fights, tazers, the belt getting lost in the ocean, samoa joe fishing, the greatest WCW wrestler ever swinging from a vine, a gay baby, and shampoo beatdowns. Watts says that this is not a wrestling program at all. Watts says that the only way TNA is going to get off the ground is if they put a strong emphasis on clean finishes, ECW invasions, and in-ring wrestling. Watts says that TNA needs to be more MMA based, have six PPVs a year with a good build, and dark characters. Watts says that if he were DOA, he would replace Tenay and West. Watts says that if he were DOA, he would make Jim Cornette DOA! RealVince comes out and gets in the ring face to face with Watts. RealVince cuts Watts' mic and comes out on top of the ramp. RealVince calls Watts a piece of @#%$, apologizes to God for swearing, and says that Watts has no clue what makes a TV program work. RealVince says that Watts doesn't get it, and that if he were DOA, TNA would be dead in a month. DIXIE CARTER comes out on to the ramp, and says that it's time to settle this once and for all. Next week, it will be Erik Watts vs RealVince for the title of DOA. RealVince says he can't next week, 'cause he's got a date at Long John Silvers. Dixie says that in TWO WEEKS then, it will be Erik Watts vs RealVince for the title of DOA. Watts is smiling, until out of nowhere, the LIGHTS go out in the arena, and the FOX BOX APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
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