Dealing with a break up

[mattperiolat]

As outlined in another post, my fiance and I broke up on Saturday and she moved out on Sunday.

I'm going back and forth between tears and just trying to move on. Right now, knowing we're still friends and will talk on occasion is sustaining me, but trying to move on is really difficult.

There's a part of me that wonders after all we shared what might happen next and if somehow we might recover from this. It may take time, but...

Just wondering aloud. In the meantime, remembering our past, our good times and the love we've shared. Just want her happy, no matter what happens next.

[Big BosskMan]

As mentioned in the other post, there are some things you know you need to address (verbal abuse, anger management, etc.). I would strongly suggest you take care of your issues before you remotely entertain the idea of future relationships - with or without your fiancee.

Chances are the temper problems you have now will continue to pop up with other women.

If your ex-fiancee wants space, give it to her. Let her keep the lines of communication open.

At the same time, take this time to focus on you.

[Cry Me a Wiggle]

You know, I'll just save you the usual platitudes people give at this time, because they just don't help. I'll just share a person anecdote.

I got out of a serious relationship three years ago and I'm just now getting over her. The hurt of it ending doesn't go away, but the longing to be with that person does fade. I know it's hard, but the more you limit contact with her the better you'll feel. All the good talking with her will do is raising your hopes and then having them come crashing down every time.

[The Peoples Elbow]

Nov 17, 2009 13:11:18 GMT -5 Cry Me a Wiggle said:

You know, I'll just save you the usual platitudes people give at this time, because they just don't help. I'll just share a person anecdote.

I got out of a serious relationship three years ago and I'm just now getting over her. The hurt of it ending doesn't go away, but the longing to be with that person does fade. I know it's hard, but the more you limit contact with her the better you'll feel. All the good talking with her will do is raising your hopes and then having them come crashing down every time.

+100

I was heartbroken in 2000 (after 2 years together) and it took me until 2002 to finally get over her and move on. Cutting off all ties and changing my phone number helped immensely. I got married in 2007 to a wonderful woman who I've been with since 2003 and couldn't be happier.

I wish you the best and hope you find happiness again soon.

[mattperiolat]

Well, I will be dealing with my issues and moving forward, of course. But given she's in charge of defining the relationship, I'm just gonna go with it. She's cutting off the phone, since hearing my voice makes her cry, but we'll have Facebook and email. Figure we could still have a healthy friendship if nothing else. If anything does happen beyond that, awesome. If it doesn't, well, better to have loved and lost than never known at all.

[Deleted]

I broke it off with my ex back in Dec. of 08 (we'd been dating for about five years). I started dating again about 4 months later and have started seriously dating someone about two months ago.

It was easier for me because I was ready to break it off and move on about a month before we actually broke up.

Like a lot of people, I found someone who compliments me a lot better now.

It wasn't that the ex was a terrible person, just not a good match for me - but I think it took that relationship for me to figure out what I wanted out of someone.

[Big BosskMan]

After re-thinking an earlier post and a comment I made on communication, I'd suggest purposefully cutting off all ties (Facebook, etc.) with her. Let her know why you're doing it because you need time for you and that if there's the hope or opportunity for interaction, it just may end up setting any progress you both may make back.

Personal note here: I was in a very intense relationship with this girl and we had talked about long-term future together. Problem was she had hidden an alcohol addiction from me (very well, might I add) and early one morning I get a phone call from her, in hysterics, after she'd been busted at a DUI checkpoint.

So I go pick her up and take her back to her place and spend the night. I didn't sleep a wink because this was some heavy stuff to deal with.

The next day despite my wishes to help her with AA or other counseling, she refused and said she had to do it on her own. I gave her 'her space' (in your example, "put her in charge of the relationship"), but after time, that sucked because it only made things worse. Besides missing her terribly, she knew she could call or e-mail and I'd respond right away. It was manipulative and I could not see it for what it was.

After time and after some friends woke me up out of the haze I was in, I realized I had to let her go. That meant changing e-mail and some other things.

Right now, you're dealing with heartache and so on. I had so many reminders of her it seemed like forever before something wouldn't trigger a memory or so forth.

But it does get better.

[missellie]

I know this sounds a little mean, but there's plenty more fish in the sea, and you'll find the perfect girl sometime. Just stay positive and true to yourself, and while I understand it'll take time to get over it, when you eventually do move on, try and keep strong. Maybe you guys will get back together, it's worth another shot if you really care about her, but you can't force someone to be in love, so keep an open mind and try to focus on other things.

[Ace Baretta]

You need to cut off ALL personal contact.

Emails, calls, facebook, everything.

At least for the time being.

Partially because it will torture you, but also because it gives her a chance to think and make sure she is completely fine with what she's doing.

[Mac]

Look around at the couples you see day to day and realize that more than likely they'll all break up at some point and it'll be short term hell for them. Words seldomly offer much remedy from a break up, it takes time to heel and it will only stay with you forever if you allow it.

[Jay Peas 42]

Well, that's what you get for killing that Gypsy girl.

[rapidfire187]

Nov 17, 2009 12:10:15 GMT -5 mattperiolat said:

As outlined in another post, my fiance and I broke up on Saturday and she moved out on Sunday.

I'm going back and forth between tears and just trying to move on. Right now, knowing we're still friends and will talk on occasion is sustaining me, but trying to move on is really difficult.

There's a part of me that wonders after all we shared what might happen next and if somehow we might recover from this. It may take time, but...

Just wondering aloud. In the meantime, remembering our past, our good times and the love we've shared. Just want her happy, no matter what happens next.

Why even be friends? It will only cause more problems in the future when you're trying to get back with her and she's not having it. You're better off just refocusing your energy. Take a break from dating, get back in it when you're ready, and find someone new. Eventually she'll just be a bad memory.

[KingPopper]

Whats worse is when you have a kid together, you can't cut all forms of communication.

All I say is listen to Brendan Benson, that man knows how to heel a broken heart.

[MainManOfCCW]

Just go against everything you WANT to do and do the opposite....you have to try and move on or else you will be running in place forever.....trust me I know from experience

[mattperiolat]

Alright, alright. Here's what I know:

Firstly, a wise person said "don't take such personal issues to the Internet. Might make things worse." Not that I don't dislike the advice, but the best I can get comes closer to home.

Secondly, I'm just going to worry about myself now. Her mom is watching out for her, she's going to need to work on things for herself and it's out of my hands. So, I gotta look out for me first for the time being and whatever happens next is up to the big man upstairs.

Thanks for all the thoughts, guys (and gals), I think I'm gonna be just fine.

[Deleted]

Basically, you choke on it until you recover yourself. People will try to get you out and force this process, and it's important that you not shut the world out, but it has to evolve naturally. Take care of yourself. Do things you like. Don't obsess about meeting/not meeting someone. Most importantly: stay conscious of what your mind does, as you may try to trick yourself.
Example: Don't be friends if you seek only to keep them in your life on some strange level.

[Franchise]

Nov 17, 2009 18:03:35 GMT -5 Ace Baretta said:

You need to cut off ALL personal contact.

Emails, calls, facebook, everything.

At least for the time being.

Partially because it will torture you, but also because it gives her a chance to think and make sure she is completely fine with what she's doing.

I can't agree with this more.

It will suck, but so will trying to convince both her and yourself that you're OK and are ready to be just friends immediately. I've made that mistake a couple times, and it's only ever ended badly.