Post by Hawk Hart on Dec 12, 2009 4:22:11 GMT -5
Wrote this for my blog, decided to share.
I honestly have no clue where to start this review at. There is just too much terrible for my mind to comprehend. I'm gonna have to break this shittiness down in categories and hope I don't break my mind trying to figure out what the hell I just played.
Talk Show Mode
I may as well start with the meat and potatoes of the game, the *ahem* "story mode." It basically centers around a talk show hosted by the terrible spawn of Geraldo and Jerry Springer. I mean seriously, this guy has a permagrin and the most insanely terrible voice acting I've heard in a while, at least until later cutscenes. So the MC of Hell's Favorite TV Show is railing against good ol' Backyard "Wrestling," as well he should really, and has a series of increasingly annoying guests to aid in his crusade. After the initial cutscene you start your "matches." Of course you start, where else, in the backyard, it would be insanely false advertising to start anywhere else. So you fight a few guys, winning either by pinning or knocking them out and I'm gonna be honest here, I NEVER won by pin. I mean NEVER. I played the entire Talk Show Mode and did not pin a single man, or woman. That's another thing that really bothers me, the amount of times you have to beat up women. I don't care if that makes the game "edgey," I don't want to play as Sabu and beat up women in gas station parking lots. EVER. If I wanted to beat up women, I'd grab an old Smackdown game, select Stone Cold and do it the right way! So anyway, you fight a series of guys on increasingly ridiculous stages. Ever wanted to fight a guy in slaughterhouse? Well Backyard Wrestling gives you that opportunity! As insane and out there as the stages get, the "wrestlers" manage to keep pace. In the previously mentioned slaughterhouse stage I fought JCW's Evil Dead, who resembled a homeless version of the Batman villain Black Mask, and Da Bone Doctor who looked like a cross-mating of Baron Samedi and a pimp. I beat the latter by smacking him the face with a severed cow head. Honestly, if that's all it took then James Bond could've ended "Live and Let Die" within 20 minutes of the open credits. The slaughterhouse isn't the only level that's great if only for the sheer "what the f***" factor, oh no no no kiddies, we get such exotic locales as a mansion owned by some rich dude who not only knows about his son's BYW activities, he SUPPORTS them. If there are actually parents like this and you know them, please call Family Services. The only reason this guy was remotely interesting was because he sounded like Cameron impersonating Sloan's father in Farris Bueller's Day Off. He's not the only interestingly voiced guest though, earlier we get STRIPPERS! That's right virtual T 'n' A! Oh yeah, these girls have it all, big falseies in their chest and very little digital clothing. Of course their gyrations look like someone attempting to make a seizure look sexy and their voices sound like someone crying while being sexually pleasured, but cares?! BOOBS! They didn't serve just to titillate the lonely player though, they're a well placed segue to take us to the strip club level. My first opponent was a dude named Gupta that reminded me of Little Richard. I probably had the most "fun" in this level simply because I could position my wrestler, I chose Sabu, next the stripper and yell "YOU'RE A WHORE!" of course that wasn't in the game, that was just me in my room, but still, it was awesome. The game is full of those little moments, and thank God for them. If the game didn't provide me with so many opportunities to make my own fun, I probably would not have made it all the way through. At one point I was placed in a match against a guy I codenamed the Gimp. Seriously, he looked like a Gimp that shopped at Hot Topic, plus, he forced me to mount a shirtless fat guy over a barbecue grill. Unfortunately, after you dispose of the Gimp, you don't get to fight a handicap match against Maynard and Zed. Wait, on second thought, that's probably a good thing. So anyway, after all this insanity, from fighting El Chickaroon at a gas station (Yes, I did play Chacaroon in the background while pounding on this Shark Boy masked freak) to taking on Shaggy 2 Dope in a mall parking lot, you finally get to the big show (No, Paul Wight does not make an appearance in this game, although he is a better worker than anyone on the featured roster), you get to fight Mad Man Pondo on the set of terrible talk show that's facilitated the "story" thus far. Once you beat the Mad one himself, that's it, you get a long, epic cutscene where your chosen wrestler rides off into the sunset with all the women and money he could ever dream of. Wait, that's not how the game ends at all. You get a text "thanks for playing!" and that's it. Seriously. You play through hours of the most frustrating gameplay ever devised by man and all you get is a f***ing "Thanks For Playing." That's like if someone killed Hitler and just got a pat on the back. Would you want that? You kill the most evil man in the history of humanity, and you get a "Great effort, thanks Guy." No, you want a f***ing Congressional Medal of Honor, and trust me, if you sit through this mind-numbing piece of shit, you deserve one. But no, you just get "Thanks for Playing" and then a series of videos over the credits of what one can only assume are the developers of the game acting like dumbasses hitting each other with Singapore Canes, taking light tube shots, and the hardest of the hardcore, ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!!!!! Honestly, after watching the general stupidity displayed in these videos, I know how they thought this was a GOOD game.
Create A Wrestler
After all of that , I honestly find it hard to believe that there are OTHER things to discuss. This'll be VERY short because there isn't much to talk about. Seriously, you get 15 choices for pre-made people, each has 12 alternate costumes that include skin and color changes. Here's just a quick run-down of the people because all you need is my short descriptor to understand the shit sandwich we got in this mode.
Abdullah the Butcher in a singlet: No real description needed here.
Corey Feldman: Really, he looks like him. Win.
Fire Crotch: A very generic guy that has just a fire motif, including one right on, you guessed it, the crotch.
The Undead Commando: Dude resembles a corpse in fatigues.
The Amazing Red: Do I really need to explain? Dude looked like the Amazing Red.
Rainbow Vampiro: Vampiro with spiky, rainbow hair. f***ing Win.
Some Fatty: Generic fat dude. Honestly, no better description.
Waldo: With the right attire, this dude looks like Waldo from Where's Waldo, at a rave.
Juggalo and Juggalette: Generic ICP fans, as stupid as it sounds.
Mustache Man: A dude that looks straight from a porn set, complete with a sweet stache.
Afro Man: My Roommate and I dubbed this man "Afro the Destroyer" Needless to say, he is now a CAW.
Anime Stripper: Seriously, that's it.
Slutty Cowgirl: Really, that's it.
WTF: I was baffled by this. Totally baffled, I have no clue what it was, all I know is that is was a woman and it hated clothes.
After you choose your template, you choose your fighting techniques from some pretty standard styles, then you get to choose 8 moves. They're very creatively named moves too, my personal favorites are the "Turn and Cough" and the "Toilet Seat." After that, you're off to battle. My personal CAW is "Teh Mongooooo" based on the Abby preset. He's fat, white, and has a flowery green singlet with dashing white boots.
BONUS MODES!!!
Like any terrible game worth it's weight in dogshit, this game has bonus modes. I've only played the survival mode so that's the only one I'll address. I made it two opponents in before I decided I could no longer expose myself to this monument to human failure. It's not really any different in terms of matches to the other two game modes, hell, opponents even have the same attack pattern in "run, grapple, strong move, run, throw shit, run, throw shit, run, throw shit, run strong grapple, repeat." It is honestly the most frustrating thing I have even subjected myself to. EVER.
Last Words
Don't play this game. If you have ANY self-respect, you will avoid it like Wesley Snipes avoids taxes. I only played it for you people. If this game wasn't terrible enough, they made a f***ing sequel. That's like getting Swine Flu and thinking, "Ya know what? That wasn't so bad, I wonder what EBOLA is like." And yeah, I'm gonna play it. Why? I have no idea. It's like a weird, morbid curiosity.
In terms of stars I give "Backyard Wrestling: Don't Try This At Home" a negative 5 out of 5.
I honestly have no clue where to start this review at. There is just too much terrible for my mind to comprehend. I'm gonna have to break this shittiness down in categories and hope I don't break my mind trying to figure out what the hell I just played.
Talk Show Mode
I may as well start with the meat and potatoes of the game, the *ahem* "story mode." It basically centers around a talk show hosted by the terrible spawn of Geraldo and Jerry Springer. I mean seriously, this guy has a permagrin and the most insanely terrible voice acting I've heard in a while, at least until later cutscenes. So the MC of Hell's Favorite TV Show is railing against good ol' Backyard "Wrestling," as well he should really, and has a series of increasingly annoying guests to aid in his crusade. After the initial cutscene you start your "matches." Of course you start, where else, in the backyard, it would be insanely false advertising to start anywhere else. So you fight a few guys, winning either by pinning or knocking them out and I'm gonna be honest here, I NEVER won by pin. I mean NEVER. I played the entire Talk Show Mode and did not pin a single man, or woman. That's another thing that really bothers me, the amount of times you have to beat up women. I don't care if that makes the game "edgey," I don't want to play as Sabu and beat up women in gas station parking lots. EVER. If I wanted to beat up women, I'd grab an old Smackdown game, select Stone Cold and do it the right way! So anyway, you fight a series of guys on increasingly ridiculous stages. Ever wanted to fight a guy in slaughterhouse? Well Backyard Wrestling gives you that opportunity! As insane and out there as the stages get, the "wrestlers" manage to keep pace. In the previously mentioned slaughterhouse stage I fought JCW's Evil Dead, who resembled a homeless version of the Batman villain Black Mask, and Da Bone Doctor who looked like a cross-mating of Baron Samedi and a pimp. I beat the latter by smacking him the face with a severed cow head. Honestly, if that's all it took then James Bond could've ended "Live and Let Die" within 20 minutes of the open credits. The slaughterhouse isn't the only level that's great if only for the sheer "what the f***" factor, oh no no no kiddies, we get such exotic locales as a mansion owned by some rich dude who not only knows about his son's BYW activities, he SUPPORTS them. If there are actually parents like this and you know them, please call Family Services. The only reason this guy was remotely interesting was because he sounded like Cameron impersonating Sloan's father in Farris Bueller's Day Off. He's not the only interestingly voiced guest though, earlier we get STRIPPERS! That's right virtual T 'n' A! Oh yeah, these girls have it all, big falseies in their chest and very little digital clothing. Of course their gyrations look like someone attempting to make a seizure look sexy and their voices sound like someone crying while being sexually pleasured, but cares?! BOOBS! They didn't serve just to titillate the lonely player though, they're a well placed segue to take us to the strip club level. My first opponent was a dude named Gupta that reminded me of Little Richard. I probably had the most "fun" in this level simply because I could position my wrestler, I chose Sabu, next the stripper and yell "YOU'RE A WHORE!" of course that wasn't in the game, that was just me in my room, but still, it was awesome. The game is full of those little moments, and thank God for them. If the game didn't provide me with so many opportunities to make my own fun, I probably would not have made it all the way through. At one point I was placed in a match against a guy I codenamed the Gimp. Seriously, he looked like a Gimp that shopped at Hot Topic, plus, he forced me to mount a shirtless fat guy over a barbecue grill. Unfortunately, after you dispose of the Gimp, you don't get to fight a handicap match against Maynard and Zed. Wait, on second thought, that's probably a good thing. So anyway, after all this insanity, from fighting El Chickaroon at a gas station (Yes, I did play Chacaroon in the background while pounding on this Shark Boy masked freak) to taking on Shaggy 2 Dope in a mall parking lot, you finally get to the big show (No, Paul Wight does not make an appearance in this game, although he is a better worker than anyone on the featured roster), you get to fight Mad Man Pondo on the set of terrible talk show that's facilitated the "story" thus far. Once you beat the Mad one himself, that's it, you get a long, epic cutscene where your chosen wrestler rides off into the sunset with all the women and money he could ever dream of. Wait, that's not how the game ends at all. You get a text "thanks for playing!" and that's it. Seriously. You play through hours of the most frustrating gameplay ever devised by man and all you get is a f***ing "Thanks For Playing." That's like if someone killed Hitler and just got a pat on the back. Would you want that? You kill the most evil man in the history of humanity, and you get a "Great effort, thanks Guy." No, you want a f***ing Congressional Medal of Honor, and trust me, if you sit through this mind-numbing piece of shit, you deserve one. But no, you just get "Thanks for Playing" and then a series of videos over the credits of what one can only assume are the developers of the game acting like dumbasses hitting each other with Singapore Canes, taking light tube shots, and the hardest of the hardcore, ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!!!!! Honestly, after watching the general stupidity displayed in these videos, I know how they thought this was a GOOD game.
Create A Wrestler
After all of that , I honestly find it hard to believe that there are OTHER things to discuss. This'll be VERY short because there isn't much to talk about. Seriously, you get 15 choices for pre-made people, each has 12 alternate costumes that include skin and color changes. Here's just a quick run-down of the people because all you need is my short descriptor to understand the shit sandwich we got in this mode.
Abdullah the Butcher in a singlet: No real description needed here.
Corey Feldman: Really, he looks like him. Win.
Fire Crotch: A very generic guy that has just a fire motif, including one right on, you guessed it, the crotch.
The Undead Commando: Dude resembles a corpse in fatigues.
The Amazing Red: Do I really need to explain? Dude looked like the Amazing Red.
Rainbow Vampiro: Vampiro with spiky, rainbow hair. f***ing Win.
Some Fatty: Generic fat dude. Honestly, no better description.
Waldo: With the right attire, this dude looks like Waldo from Where's Waldo, at a rave.
Juggalo and Juggalette: Generic ICP fans, as stupid as it sounds.
Mustache Man: A dude that looks straight from a porn set, complete with a sweet stache.
Afro Man: My Roommate and I dubbed this man "Afro the Destroyer" Needless to say, he is now a CAW.
Anime Stripper: Seriously, that's it.
Slutty Cowgirl: Really, that's it.
WTF: I was baffled by this. Totally baffled, I have no clue what it was, all I know is that is was a woman and it hated clothes.
After you choose your template, you choose your fighting techniques from some pretty standard styles, then you get to choose 8 moves. They're very creatively named moves too, my personal favorites are the "Turn and Cough" and the "Toilet Seat." After that, you're off to battle. My personal CAW is "Teh Mongooooo" based on the Abby preset. He's fat, white, and has a flowery green singlet with dashing white boots.
BONUS MODES!!!
Like any terrible game worth it's weight in dogshit, this game has bonus modes. I've only played the survival mode so that's the only one I'll address. I made it two opponents in before I decided I could no longer expose myself to this monument to human failure. It's not really any different in terms of matches to the other two game modes, hell, opponents even have the same attack pattern in "run, grapple, strong move, run, throw shit, run, throw shit, run, throw shit, run strong grapple, repeat." It is honestly the most frustrating thing I have even subjected myself to. EVER.
Last Words
Don't play this game. If you have ANY self-respect, you will avoid it like Wesley Snipes avoids taxes. I only played it for you people. If this game wasn't terrible enough, they made a f***ing sequel. That's like getting Swine Flu and thinking, "Ya know what? That wasn't so bad, I wonder what EBOLA is like." And yeah, I'm gonna play it. Why? I have no idea. It's like a weird, morbid curiosity.
In terms of stars I give "Backyard Wrestling: Don't Try This At Home" a negative 5 out of 5.
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