How TNA is like the masturbating bear

[Tapout]

Just looking at the TNA roster page:
www.tnawrestling.com/roster/superstar-roster

There's still a LOT of quality talent on the roster:

Styles
Angle
Sting
Wolfe/McGuinness
Angelina
MCMG
Beer Money
Dinero/Burke
Doug Williams
Ayoko Hamada
Joe
Hardy (debatable, but a big name)
Morgan (debatable, I guess, but he's really improved)
Rhino (debatable)
Team 3D (debatable)

For nostalgia value, they also have some of the biggest names of the 80s and 90s on the roster, including Hogan, Sting, Flair, and the Outsiders. Even with their recent talent departures, they could still be putting on a strong wrestling product.

They just AREN'T.

Do you guys remember the actual origins of Conan O'Brien's Masturbating Bear? Even though it became popular just because of how weirdly random a giant masturbating bear is, the character originally started off as a bear who would go into a flying money booth to grab cash for a needy game show contestant:



The gag was that even though the contestant really needed the money, and even though the money was RIGHT THERE in front of the bear to grab, the bear would always, frustratingly, use its hands to masturbate rather than grab even a single hundred-dollar bill for the entire time. All it had to do was just stop masturbating for 2 seconds and grab some money and everything would be fine. It had everything it needed to succeed, but left to its own devices, it always went off and screwed up right before everyone's eyes.

The company already has some outstanding wrestling talent and some of the biggest stars of yesteryear for the nostalgia value. It's not like they're hurting for yet another new wrestler to sign that will bail them out of their jam. Signing "Big" Dave Batista won't rescue them any more than signing Van Dam, Flair, Hogan, or Angle did.

It's like, if you described TNA to a friend of yours who's a casual fan that hasn't been watching wrestling in recent years, you could point out that Impact has Hogan, Flair, the NWO, and Sting, as well as Kurt Angle who really goes all out in his matches, plus three high-profile ex-WWE stars in Hardy, Van Dam, and Anderson, plus the cream of the crop of the indies--AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Nigel McGuinness, and up until recently, Chris Daniels, though other indie darlings like Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, and Homicide also hang their hat there. Your friend would be all like, "wow, that sounds awesome." And you'd have to explain, "no, sorry, actually the product kinda sucks."

[Michael Coello]

....What the hell is with all the weird comparisons around here? First the penny machine with hookers and crack, now this?

[Krimzon]

This is quite possibly the best analogy in history.

[D2: Sweet & Sour Edition]

I...understand.

[Arturo Classico]

May 5, 2010 19:55:38 GMT -5 Tapout said:

Just looking at the TNA roster page:
www.tnawrestling.com/roster/superstar-roster

There's still a LOT of quality talent on the roster:

Styles
Angle
Sting
Wolfe/McGuinness
Angelina
MCMG
Beer Money
Dinero/Burke
Doug Williams
Ayoko Hamada
Joe
Hardy (debatable, but a big name)
Morgan (debatable, I guess, but he's really improved)
Rhino (debatable)
Team 3D (debatable)

For nostalgia value, they also have some of the biggest names of the 80s and 90s on the roster, including Hogan, Sting, Flair, and the Outsiders. Even with their recent talent departures, they could still be putting on a strong wrestling product.

They just AREN'T.

Do you guys remember the actual origins of Conan O'Brien's Masturbating Bear? Even though it became popular just because of how weirdly random a giant masturbating bear is, the character originally started off as a bear who would go into a flying money booth to grab cash for a needy game show contestant:



The gag was that even though the contestant really needed the money, and even though the money was RIGHT THERE in front of the bear to grab, the bear would always, frustratingly, use its hands to masturbate rather than grab even a single hundred-dollar bill for the entire time. All it had to do was just stop masturbating for 2 seconds and grab some money and everything would be fine. It had everything it needed to succeed, but left to its own devices, it always went off and screwed up right before everyone's eyes.

The company already has some outstanding wrestling talent and some of the biggest stars of yesteryear for the nostalgia value. It's not like they're hurting for yet another new wrestler to sign that will bail them out of their jam. Signing "Big" Dave Batista won't rescue them any more than signing Van Dam, Flair, Hogan, or Angle did.

It's like, if you described TNA to a friend of yours who's a casual fan that hasn't been watching wrestling in recent years, you could point out that Impact has Hogan, Flair, the NWO, and Sting, as well as Kurt Angle who really goes all out in his matches, plus three high-profile ex-WWE stars in Hardy, Van Dam, and Anderson, plus the cream of the crop of the indies--AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Nigel McGuinness, and up until recently, Chris Daniels, though other indie darlings like Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, and Homicide also hang their hat there. Your friend would be all like, "wow, that sounds awesome." And you'd have to explain, "no, sorry, actually the product kinda sucks."

Well after reading the spoilers......maybe Orlando Jordan is.

[Lenny: Smooth like Keith Stone]

Would Vince McMahon be like Jay Leno then?

[Massive G]

May 5, 2010 20:31:31 GMT -5 Krimzon said:

This is quite possibly the best analogy in history.

I agree. Flat out terrific.

[Spankymac is sick of the swiss]

FINALLY! Someone explains it to me in words I can understand! Now if only you could tie quantum mechanics to the Masturbating Bear, I could probably get that, too.

[barley96]

I have said this in other threads, but TNA management are the only people I know that can have so much talent and find a way to screw it up.

[dreamer75]

The masturbating bear needs to teach physics to the kids

[MrBRulzOK]

So basically you're saying that TNA is a company that simply cannot let things build up. They've always got to go for the quick fix even though they would nearly undisputedly fare much better if they just had the gumption to simply hold back, keep their hands idle, and let things build every once in awhile rather than going for the instant satisfaction nearly every time.

Sounds like an accurate comparison to me.

[Deleted]

May 5, 2010 22:41:22 GMT -5 MrBRulzOK said:

So basically you're saying that TNA is a company that simply cannot let things build up. They've always got to go for the quick fix even though they would nearly undisputedly fare much better if they just had the gumption to simply hold back, keep their hands idle, and let things build every once in awhile rather than going for the instant satisfaction nearly every time.

Sounds like an accurate comparison to me.

Agreed.. while I like all the podcasters on the "Who's Slamming Who?" website, and whereas Jim Cornette may have summed it up more succinctly by saying that Russo "could screw up a wet dream", I think Bill Behrens said it best -- they don't let the heels build up heat, which means we have no reason to cheer for the faces, and so there's no reason to care about the matches.

[Oh Cry Me a Screwball]

Tony Schiavone says that is the greatest analogy in the history of our great sport.

[joeiscool]

what if i believe it is a strong wrestling show:-\

[Celgress]

Works for me.

[Michael Coello]

May 5, 2010 22:57:54 GMT -5 @meanstreetposse said:

May 5, 2010 22:41:22 GMT -5 MrBRulzOK said:

So basically you're saying that TNA is a company that simply cannot let things build up. They've always got to go for the quick fix even though they would nearly undisputedly fare much better if they just had the gumption to simply hold back, keep their hands idle, and let things build every once in awhile rather than going for the instant satisfaction nearly every time.

Sounds like an accurate comparison to me.

Agreed.. while I like all the podcasters on the "Who's Slamming Who?" website, and whereas Jim Cornette may have summed it up more succinctly by saying that Russo "could screw up a wet dream", I think Bill Behrens said it best -- they don't let the heels build up heat, which means we have no reason to cheer for the faces, and so there's no reason to care about the matches.

Except Russo was suppose to have built the Joe/Angle match at Lockdown, a match that had a lot of build that was well met.

Plus, a lot of complaints currently seem to focus on TNA doing TOO MUCH build, like the Joe thing or Sting's heel reasoning or what Morgan's doing.

[Deleted]

May 6, 2010 10:27:57 GMT -5 Michael Coello said:

May 5, 2010 22:57:54 GMT -5 @meanstreetposse said:

Agreed.. while I like all the podcasters on the "Who's Slamming Who?" website, and whereas Jim Cornette may have summed it up more succinctly by saying that Russo "could screw up a wet dream", I think Bill Behrens said it best -- they don't let the heels build up heat, which means we have no reason to cheer for the faces, and so there's no reason to care about the matches.

Except Russo was suppose to have built the Joe/Angle match at Lockdown, a match that had a lot of build that was well met.

Plus, a lot of complaints currently seem to focus on TNA doing TOO MUCH build, like the Joe thing or Sting's heel reasoning or what Morgan's doing.

Dutch Mantel actually orchestrated the Joe/Angle Lockdown build.

He talked about it in his book.

[jamielowndes {N}]

This is the best analogy in the history of ANYTHING.

And I had a friend that could explain ANYTHING using cake.

[The King of Memphis Tennessee]

I get it. I truly get it, and you're absolutely right. But this:

May 5, 2010 20:26:54 GMT -5 Michael Coello said:

....What the hell is with all the weird comparisons around here? First the penny machine with hookers and crack, now this?

Did I miss something? Point me to the hookers and crack!

[Bram wants to 'urt you]

My only fear is that Vince Russo and the Creative Coalition, while searching the web for ideas, stumble across this thread which in turn leads us to...

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}Masturbating Hogan