Dealing with a sudden loss

[mattyc]

Hi guys, I find myself once again posting on this forum about a sad subject so please close this thread now if you can’t deal with some fairly morbid matters as I know people have different levels of sensitivity and levels of what they can and cannot handle regarding death. (I’ll post something happy one of these days I promise)

I’ve questioned myself whether to post this or keep my thoughts to myself but I feel writing this and maybe getting some thoughts I’ve been bottling up all day to myself out of my system is the best thing I can do right now. I need to make sense of my thoughts somewhat and I’ve always liked this forum and the people on it so if I am going to share things about myself and my situation on the Internet…This forum is the best place to do it.

This morning my dad died suddenly of an apparent heart attack. He’d had a minor heart attack in October of last year and while that was clearly a warning sign to something being wrong none of us suspected he was this unwell. Despite having to take some medication and quit smoking he seemed just the same and as energetic as ever.

He’s been separated from my Mum for a few years now but he only lived 5 minutes away and they still kept a very close friendship, I don’t think they ever completely stopped loving each other.

The circumstances are what I cannot get my head around, He texted my Mum at around 9.45am to tell her he was coming in the car to pick her up to take her to the shops and he’d be there at 10am, this was something he’d regularly do.

He pulled up in the car at 10am exactly and my Mum went out to him, she told me she saw him slumped over like he was texting on his phone or picking something up off the ground. When she went to the car door it became apparent something was badly wrong, she said he was breathing heavily and making a snorting like sound with his eyes closed and he was unable to answer anything she said to him….So he was clearly out of It suddenly straight after he managed to pull the car up at his usual spot right outside our house. I find this amazing and I don’t know how he managed to get to the house. I can’t get my head around how he managed to make a safe journey to the house and then have this happen to him instantly after pulling up outside.

Mum called the ambulance quickly and by this point the neighbours were out on the street to see what was wrong, the ambulance arrived within 5 minutes but by this point my Mum said my dad had turned blue and then bright red, They got him out of the car and into the ambulance to tend to him but he was flat lining. My gran who lives with us saw all of this going on from her window.

While all this was going on I was sleeping, I did not wake up until around an hour after all this had happened. It makes me feel a little sick to think I was sleeping while my dad was dying just outside the house. Not even the ambulance sirens woke me.

Since I woke up to this news it’s been like being trapped in a nightmare. My Mum is being incredibly strong and she’s putting on a brave face, even joking a little about the dramatic way my dad went (this may seem bad taste to some...But my dad had a dark humour, if he was with us right now he’d joke about the way he went…. in fact he was recently joking about the manner in which my cat died on a Monday Morning…funnily enough he then dies in a dramatic fashion and it’s also on a Monday Morning around the same time.)

But despite this show of strength I can tell my Mum is absolutely crushed, I’m trying to be strong for her but I’m not being as strong as I’d like to be and I’m feeling a sense of emptiness and hopelessness for my future due to what’s happened to day along with many other issues I’ve been dealing with in the past few years. Since around October many things that would be small problems in their own right have been getting on top of me and what’s happened today just feels like one blow too many for me. I’m going to keep on as I always do…but I really don’t know what I’m going to do. It just feels like one false hope for something good only to be met with setback after setback.

I don’t want to get into specifics but I had certain things I was close to achieving and I know they would have made my dad so happy…that I’ve fallen short of some of these goals before his passing hurts me and now I don’t know if I have to motivation to carry on with them.

As a child I was never particularly close to my dad, in times I even disliked him for certain reasons…. but in the last 10 years or so he’d really changed as a person and our relationship had really grown, we both shared the same interests in music and in movies. One of his biggest passions in life was music and the amount of times I think I’ve discovered a new artist only to realise I’m familiar with songs on an album…..and then I remember it’s because I heard my dad play those songs when I was a child. The older I get the more I have in common with him.

The last time I saw him was on Christmas Day and I spent all day with my Dad playing music and playing Fifa with him on the Xbox 360, it was the first time he’d played on a 360 as he has a PS2…he was amazed at how much better the graphics and game play were and he was really pleased with himself for getting to grips with the Xbox 360 controller. I remember him saying “I don’t think many blokes my age play Xbox 360”. He was also telling me how happy he was that I’d finally got the Soprano’s on DVD for Christmas after years of hassling me to get it. “Mate..You’ll love it”…I’m only a few episodes in so far but I think he’s right. I’ll never be able to watch the Soprano’s again without thinking of my dad. He had also recently been on a huge Nirvana craze and due to this I recommended that he should listen to the Unplugged in New York album. I ordered it from Amazon for him that day.

He seemed just as he always was that day, he was into everything and full of energy.

I will always remember when he left and I said goodbye to him on Christmas day he gave me thumbs up and a look/smile that was unlike one he’d ever given me before, it expressed so much warmth/happiness …it just seemed uncharacteristic for him and it’s played on my mind ever since…even before what happened today. It makes me wonder if he felt on that day that he may not see me again. I’ll never know for sure. It’s my last memory of my dad and it’s a nice one to have.

Tonight I went to his flat with my Mum just to check it’s alright and nothing seemed out of sorts….but in his kitchen we found a lot of alcohol and cigarettes and plenty of foods that a recent heart attack victim should not have been having. He’d promised my Mum and myself that he’d quit smoking after his first heart attack….He’d previously quit for a year before starting up again only to stop after his first heart attack….We knew he could quit and we believed him…he also covered it well because neither of us ever smelt smoke on his clothes. He must have only been smoking in his flat or when nobody was around.

And just an hour ago we went through his clothes from the hospital and in his coat we found along with a shopping list for my Mum…a lighter and a half empty box of cigarettes. It seems my Dad was having a personal battle with himself over the smoking issue and sadly he lost out. Add to this the fact he’d smoked heavily since he was 14 and it becomes clearer why what happened did.

Growing up with a smoker put me off ever starting…I’ve never smoked in my life and I never will.

What also really touched me was the Nirvana CD I had ordered for him was on the top of his CD Player on his recently played pile...and other little things like the half full tea cup and his unmade bed covers with the outline of where he lay still there on the bed. We see things like this in the news everyday but the saying "Living one minute, gone the next" is so true...You cannot take any moment for granted. I'm guessing my dad never left his flat this morning knowing he would never return, I'll never know.

I wonder if he had pains in his chest before he set off out or if it came on more sudden, the more I think about it the more questions I have. I wish he would have been able to talk to my Mum a little before he passed.

At the same time I also have to be thankful he passed away where he did and not on the journey to the house when he could have put others lives in danger...or minutes later when my Mum would have been in the car travelling with him.

I’m dreading the next few days/weeks…my dad’s car is still outside the house where he left it, so many relatives need contacting, the funeral arrangements…and the coroner has ordered a post mortem. I just can’t wait till all of this formality is over so we can all move on and I can remember my dad in my own way. That my dad never made any arrangements concerning his death does not help matters either. My Mum tackled him on doing such a few months back..His response? “When I die just chuck me in a wheelie bin”

I don’t think I aimed to achieve anything with this post apart from getting my thoughts down into writing to try and make sense of this situation…as well as to possibly look back on at a later date. It beats bottling my emotions up. Even though I have some good friends (and some old friends who’ve come out in support despite not seeing me in years…which has really touched me) I am a very private person and I find it hard to talk deeply face to face with people I know….Sometimes it’s easier for me to express myself via an internet forum which will be read by 95% strangers.

It’s 12.30pm right now and I am the only person still up and about and it’s at night when I am alone that I start thinking and having things get on top of me…I’ll watch RAW tonight and try and distract myself and relax a little because I know the days to come are going to be tough.

To anyone who’s managed to read all of my ramblings I thank you. I’ve had friends in the past who’ve lost parents and I’ve tried to be understanding and there for them…but now I’ve lost one myself I understand it really is a unique kind of pain you cannot really understand until you’ve felt it yourself. My thoughts are with all the other people out there who have lost parent(s).

I know life must go on and I’m determined to come out of the other end of this smiling.

[Cable "Showgrill" Jones]

Mate, I am SO sorry to hear about your loss. I read through that all and it was heartbreaking to say the least. I couldn't even fathom losing one of my parents... and I know it's much easier said than done - but don't lose your motivation. It hurts, I can imagine... but do it for him.

I'm not good with words when it comes to things like this, but if you need to spill to someone some more my inbox is open. We're all here for you.

[KStrick]

First things first, man, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine the grief that you are going through, just know that in time, things will get better.

It is great you are getting your feelings out. This is a very healthy thing to do.

However, the best thing I can recommend is time. Time seems to be the only universal thing that people note success after a life-changing experience occurs. Beyond that, the other ways of establishing and controlling your emotions are going to be the best way for you to overcome this. However you chose to grieve, be sure to keep yourself open to your friends and loved ones. Don't shut them out.

Keep in mind the good things. You mentioned the Nirvana cd. Knowing that, it means that you are a very important and valuable person to your late father. Keep those positive memories alive.

All in all, continue to express your emotions, and keep active. For me, it was my church in Wyoming, and I'm not sure what it will be for you, but PLEASE, keep it something that keeps you healthy and productive.

All in all, know that there are people for you where you are, and I'd like to believe the Crap forums have a few decent-hearted people who are there for anyone in trouble.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me, Skype me (KStrickTech), or whatever.

But just keep your head up, the positive memories flowing, and whatever else to help you get through this rough patch.

[iRabbit]

I can't believe I managed to read through it all but I did. And I can't say I feel you like others can and like you said : "it really is a unique kind of pain you cannot really understand until you’ve felt it yourself. " I can only imagine it...kinda like a slow realization of who brought you into the world is now gone from yours

Glad you shared this with us. And like Cable said we are all here for you in this time of pain.

It makes me appreciate/love my parents now even more. I'm at that stage where sadly I come across saying the word "hate" sometimes. And I shouldn't because like you said (and even if my parents and I are young) you never know when someone will be gone ... I've had friends who have died at school and parents of friends die while the kid is at school. That's why I always remember to say ya know "love you" and mean it when my mom or father leaves me at school.

My dads dad (grandpa) died 6 years ago but I remember the look on my dads face for about 3 months. Just like you he is reserved really doesn't talk about his feelings. He would get a look of "wow...all the things more we could have done." also for the fact that he left home at 16.



Its incredible you found the strength to post here ... but something my dad didn't do was cry. and he regrets it. so cry a river you have to. it helps .
death sometimes has its reasons ...
i share a virtual hug and tissue my friend. stay strong.

[Dr. T is an alien]

I can easily say that it will take a while to come to terms with it. My mom passed over the July 4th weekend last year. Even though her ashes sit on my mantle about 6 feet away from me, I have now gotten to the point that it does not consume me as often as it used to. That is not to say that it does not hit me. In fact, when it does hit me, it is often harder on me than it was a month after she died. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I want to prepare you for the truth.

I find, however, that the impact is severely reduced by fully embracing what you have left. The one thing that was most striking for me is that the hardened shell that my dad has always had about my mom fell away, especially as time passed on. I think that was the most telling thing about how time heals all wounds. He had maintained very harsh feelings about what they went through, which led to a bitter divorce. Now he remembers the good times and why they got married in the first place.

I think you will find that as time passes you will not only miss your father, you will remember fondly all the things that you will miss that you actually forgot that you will miss. It sucks, but I think that you will find that your love for your father will actually increase over the years. I hope that it goes well for you.

["Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay]

I offer my condolences for whatever that means coming from someone you've never spoken to on this board, let alone elsewhere.

I will give you the one priceless piece of advice that someone once gave me when I was dealing with my own personal grief.

Being upset is allowed. This is a huge thing to have happened to you, and people should not be downplaying it and trying to get you to cheer up or not to cry.

To truly heal, for a certain extent, you have to hurt. You have to cry. You have to deal with this in whatever way it is, if you have to break something to get the emotion out, sit at home and cry for a week, whatever it is.

Just let yourself be upset. Don't bury your head, because that will just push down all your feelings and you'll come out the other side worse off.

It seems to me like as horrible as this is, your final memories of him are really lovely, and I think you should cling onto that. Don't let it bug you that he was seemingly too happy for once, just accept that he was happy, and be glad about that. I'm not about to tell you that you're luckier than others who've had a loss for having such a great last experience with him, because that'd be ridiculous, but I think you'd do well to not fret over what has been left unsaid.