fw91
Patti Mayonnaise
FAN Idol All-Star: FAN Idol Season X and *Gavel* 2x Judges' Throwdown winner
Tribe has spoken for 2024 Mets
Posts: 39,707
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Post by fw91 on Mar 17, 2011 14:44:53 GMT -5
I was walking down the street at 3 AM and I came across a dry cleaner and on the door it said sorry we're closed. You don't have to be sorry, it's 3AM and your're a dry cleaner. It would be rediculous for me to expect you to be open.
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Post by Alucard on Mar 17, 2011 17:31:27 GMT -5
Mitch will always be my favorite standup comedian. Nobody will ever take his place in my heart. I wouldn't mind going into standup myself due to inspiration from him and the fact that we seemed to think on the same level and have the same sort of delivery.
Dude's just hilarious.
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Blindkarevik
Grimlock
Rock... Paper... Straight-edge!
I Like To <blank>
Posts: 14,343
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Post by Blindkarevik on Mar 17, 2011 20:40:19 GMT -5
"The depressing thing about tennis is, no matter how hard you practice, you'll never be as good as a wall."
*talking about an opening act* "... let's hear it for them. They're a hard act to follow... I'm also a hard act to follow because I keep the microphone."
I heard a story where he was playing at a college campus right at the beginning of the school year, so it was probably mid to late August. He was talking to a few of the students and they were talking about the heat. He says something about how it's nice to be indoors with air conditioning. The students said they didn't have air conditioning in the dorms. They continued talking for a while then parted ways. The next morning, they awake to a knock at the door and there's Mitch holding a window air conditioner for them.
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Post by Young Game on Mar 17, 2011 20:56:28 GMT -5
I miss you, Mitch.
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Post by Larryhausen on Mar 18, 2011 5:07:34 GMT -5
"I was in a death metal band. People either loved us, or hated us. Or they thought we were Okay.
'See, death metal bands have really intense names, like 'Death' or 'Rigor Mortis' or 'Obituary.' We were not that intense, we were just called 'Injured.'
'Later on we changed out name to 'A Capella' as we were leaing the pawn shop."
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Post by Disaster Report on Mar 18, 2011 5:08:35 GMT -5
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "no... but I want a regular banana later, so... YEAH." I miss you, Mitch. I love that this is not only a fire exit, but the door of a Target as well.
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Dave at the Movies
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
VINTAGE D-DAY DAVE! Always cranking dat thing.
Posts: 18,228
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Post by Dave at the Movies on Mar 18, 2011 5:15:30 GMT -5
Mitch Hedberg was really good but I can see why some people didn't like him. His humor wasn't for everyone.
It's too bad he had a drug problem.
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nm
Hank Scorpio
Posts: 6,122
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Post by nm on Mar 18, 2011 9:21:43 GMT -5
My favorite comedian
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "God dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic!" "God dammit, Otto, you have lupus!" One of those two doesn't sound right"
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Post by Cactus Jack on Mar 18, 2011 9:31:39 GMT -5
I absolutely love the guy. One of my top two comedians.
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The QC Loser
Hank Scorpio
Come on follow my Twitter I'm cool!
Posts: 6,241
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Post by The QC Loser on Mar 18, 2011 9:52:54 GMT -5
With Twitter around it makes me even sadder that he is gone. Would of been awesome to follow on twitter.
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Jobes
Unicron
Posts: 3,199
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Post by Jobes on Mar 18, 2011 10:10:28 GMT -5
"This guy came up to me in the airport and said, 'Hey man, I saw you last night on the Craig Kilborn show,' but he didn't say if I was good or not. He just confirmed that I appeared on television. So, I turned away from him and then turned back and said 'Hey man, I saw you in the airport about a minute ago, and you were good."
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Post by Porky's Butthole on Mar 18, 2011 11:34:35 GMT -5
"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
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Post by The Tank on Mar 18, 2011 11:38:04 GMT -5
"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." .........unless you're a table.
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JRX
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,630
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Post by JRX on Mar 18, 2011 11:46:37 GMT -5
I went to the doctor and all he did was take my blood. Worst doctor ever. Stay away from Dr. Acula.
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Post by Ash Kingston on Mar 18, 2011 12:46:22 GMT -5
"Ya know, when it comes to racism, people say, 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green!' Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating! Then help 'em!"
"When I was a boy, I used to lay in my twin-sized bed and wonder where my brother was."
...oh, heck with it.
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chazraps
Wade Wilson
Better have my money when I come-a collect!
Posts: 28,258
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Post by chazraps on Mar 18, 2011 13:25:25 GMT -5
It's too bad he had a drug problem. For the record, his death was the result of a heart condition unrelated to his demons.
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Post by Time Lord Soundwave on Mar 18, 2011 16:06:43 GMT -5
I only have one of his albums on my iPod, but it gets constant play.
"I can't say which hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved."
"The hotel doesn't have a thirteenth floor, because of superstition. But c'mon man, the people on the fourteenth floor? You know what floor you're really on. 'What room are you in?' '1401.' 'Oh no you're not! Jump out the window. You will die earlier!'"
"I need one of those 'Do Not Disturb' signs to put around my neck so little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. 'Hey there, nephew.' 'Knock knock.' 'READ THE SIGN, PUNK!'"
"I ordered a chicken sandwich, and the waiter must not have heard me, because he asked me how I like my eggs. So I played along. I said, 'Incubated. Then hatched. Then raised. Then beheaded. Then plucked. Then grilled. S***, it's gonna take too long. Scrambled.'"
"I love club sandwiches, and I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. 'I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.' 'Me too.' 'Well let's form a club.' 'Okay. But instead of cutting it in half once, let's cut it again into four triangles. Then arrange them into a circle. And in the middle, we will dump chips. Or potato salad, it's cool.' 'Let me ask you something; how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?' 'I'm FOR 'em!' 'Well then this club is formed!' 'I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.' 'Well then you don't get to be in the f***ing club!'"
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Post by Porky's Butthole on Mar 18, 2011 16:41:59 GMT -5
I only have one of his albums on my iPod, but it gets constant play. "I can't say which hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved." "The hotel doesn't have a thirteenth floor, because of superstition. But c'mon man, the people on the fourteenth floor? You know what floor you're really on. 'What room are you in?' '1401.' 'Oh no you're not! Jump out the window. You will die earlier!'" "I need one of those 'Do Not Disturb' signs to put around my neck so little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. 'Hey there, nephew.' 'Knock knock.' 'READ THE SIGN, PUNK!'" "I ordered a chicken sandwich, and the waiter must not have heard me, because he asked me how I like my eggs. So I played along. I said, 'Incubated. Then hatched. Then raised. Then beheaded. Then plucked. Then grilled. S***, it's gonna take too long. Scrambled.'" "I love club sandwiches, and I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. 'I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.' 'Me too.' 'Well let's form a club.' 'Okay. But instead of cutting it in half once, let's cut it again into four triangles. Then arrange them into a circle. And in the middle, we will dump chips. Or potato salad, it's cool.' 'Let me ask you something; how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?' 'I'm FOR 'em!' 'Well then this club is formed!' 'I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.' 'Well then you don't get to be in the f***ing club!'" Without a doubt, every time my wife and I dine out and one of us gets a sandwich/burger/whatever with a frilly toothpick, one of us will ask the other how we feel about the frilly toothpick. "I'M FOR 'EM!" is the only acceptable answer. I learned that the hard way, when I was joking with her and said 'I could take or leave them.' She took my god damn cheese steak sammich and gave me her salad. I HATE SALAD
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Post by boozermike on Mar 18, 2011 17:27:01 GMT -5
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut
On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where did you get that banana at?
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fw91
Patti Mayonnaise
FAN Idol All-Star: FAN Idol Season X and *Gavel* 2x Judges' Throwdown winner
Tribe has spoken for 2024 Mets
Posts: 39,707
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Post by fw91 on Mar 18, 2011 20:38:29 GMT -5
"They say the main ingredients of Sprite are lemon and lime, but I tried to make some at home", there's more to it than that
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