Post by James McCloud IS John Godot on Mar 13, 2011 3:12:25 GMT -5
Welcome to my exciting minute by minute play-by-play of the Chaperone. Now you don't have to spend 100 minutes watching this thing, you can spend 100 minutes reading it!
00:00 WWE Films logo! Woo! Suspenseful music over a radio call-in. Exciting s***. Especially for children.
00:01 Triple H with a beard in prison! He's talking with a radio therapist then smacks some guy with a phone.
THE CHAPERONE title. Now in default font and starring Paul "Terra Ryzing" Levesque. Ok, they say Triple H.
00:02 Fist bump! Then he educates a security guard about self discovery and dinosaurs. Why not?
He's a free man! He breaths deeply. Deep. He's Ray now, just plain Ray. No longer Ray-Ray. You can call him H or you can call him Ray, just don't call him Ray-Ray...
00:03 Sinister man in car lookin' at Tripper! Aw hell naw!
00:04 Triple H ain't playin' this criminal game. He's asking to drive the sinister man's car. They used to be buds. Sinister man is not so sinister once he gets out.
Ray steals the car! Aw man, Ray, you'll be back inside for that!
00:05 Night time. Motel. Tripper trims his beard with a wee pair of scissors. He looks at a picture of his daughter while wearing tighty whiteys.
00:06 Day time! How did Tripper get so clean shaven from a tiny pair of scissors. He has a teddy bear and s***. He's coming home, baby!
00:07 Wifey ain't happy. She tells Tripper to get to f***. Aw now daughters coming home. Drama man. Emotional strings on the soundtrack man. I'm gonna cry man.
00:08 Daughter runs away crying. She hates teddy bears, I think. DOOR SLAM! Aw man, emotional Triple H is sad. He quotes his self-help book.
00:09 HIGH SCHOOL! Tripper turns up to bug his daughter at school. She owns him and tells him to f*** off to Alaska. Sad Hunter is sad.
School yard fight! Fight! Fight Fight! Tripper breaks it up. Kids and Hunter quote Sun Tzu at each other. Yes. I just wrote that.
00:10 Daughter lies for daddy, saying he was in federal... government. Oh oh school trip. I wonder where this is going.
00:11 Triple H loves dinosaurs, motherf***er.
More drama. Sad Triple H is... sad? I guess. Gurning at least.
00:12 Night time. Motel. Hunter reads more self-help books. Oh oh, guy whose car Tripper stole is back.
Ray-Ray/H was a getaway driver, man. He let Ray get arrested or something seven years ago.
00:13 The crew is getting back together, man. It's the Kliq. Or some bank robbing thing. Triple H explodes and tries to be angry, but kind of gives a Raw-promo from 2003 vibe.
00:14 Day time. Hunter returns home (again), and meets his ex's current. Or something. He's a doctor and bald and kind of nerdy, so he's a loser, OBVIOUSLY.
00:15 Paul Levesque titters at the name Marvin. Deep "I wuz a single mom" s***. Triple H bitches about how everyone is mean to him just because he spent 7 years in jail.
00:16 OH OH TRIPLE H IS GONNA GET A JOB. WACKY HIJINKS SOON I HOPE!
Mechanic Triple H! "Ever done a hummer?" "You're talking about the car, right?" Hyuk hyuk.
00:17 Vegetarian Chef Triple H! "No meat?" "No meat." Makes fun of a vegetarian.
Accountant Triple H? ...not allowed work for his stuffy firm because he was in prison for 7 years.
00:18 Triple H whines on the radio phone-in. This radio phone-in dependency is so strange.
00:19 Aw man, Tripper's motel is on fire man. All his book (singular) was in there!
Tripper goes to a dive. You can tell because it's dark and has neon signs. Oh, he's going to rob the bank! Holy s***! Don't do it, H!
00:20 Back at high school. Some pop song plays. Field trip time. Only two bags allowed per student? What bull.
00:21 Nick is a stoner bag loader/bus driver, he hasn't loaded the bags because "the picture hasn't formed, man". Tripper is car driving. He doesn't like his old gang. They annoy him.
00:22 They're gonna do it, man. Gonna rob the bank, man. The three robbers wear Bush/Cheyney/Rice masks.
00:23 Daughter says bye to momma.
BANK ROBBERY! ACTION! GET ON THE GROUND! ALL THE MONEY! IN THE BAG! COME ON!
Daugher has a crush on some doofus on a skateboard.
Oh man Trips getaway car and therefore the bank they're robbing is like 8 inches from the school what are the odds man oh man what will Tripper do?
00:24 Flashback! He taught his girl to drive when she was, like, 4 or something. He had a s***ty 'tache/goatee thing back then.
Sad Triple H is... sad? I guess. He looks bored.
00:25 Triple H got out of the car, man. Way to sell out your buds. He throws the keys away. Just because.
On the bus! Some girl is going to get her lips done. Oh kids today with their constant plastic surgery!
00:26 Everyone has a crush on Josh, the tall (presumably) hunky skateboarding kid from earlier.
Here comes Tripper to be... THE CHAPERONE!
Bank robbery still going on. Exciting times. Everyone laughs at the Condi Rice mask.
Sally (Oh thats the daughters name) is of course mortified that her dad is... THE CHAPERONE!
00:27 Cops are coming, man! Robbers escape... but no Tripper! Ruh-roh!
00:28 Sally wants H off the bus. Triple H looks... gassy? It's a whole new side of Triple H! I said gassy, not gassed up or on the gas.
00:29 Oh LOLOLOLOLOL the bag of bank robbery money fell into the bags for the bus trip. Wackiness will ensure! "Man, you're messing up my bags, maaaaaaaan." says stoner dude.
00:30 Triple H forces stoner to drive before they get held up by the cops. Justice is just such a time eater, man.
00:31 One of the robbers gets run down by a cop car. The other two steal some ladies car because, you know, criminals. Oh oh, they spot Tripper on the bus.
00:32 Hey the criminals car has no plates! Then they rear end a truck carrying dirty diapers. Humour! So they steal the diaper truck.
00:33 Oh, the trip is going to New Orleans. Funny times in the bank as they all talk about the masks and lol a guy wore a girl mask lololololol rofl. Shoot me now.
00:34 Oh oh they found the keys Tripper had. They're gonna get a fingerprint, it's gonna be The Game's. Oh man oh man oh man.
Kids misbehaving on the bus man. Time for Tripper to lay down the law. THERE'S ONLY ONE DIAMOND IN THIS BUS AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM!
00:35 Tripper tries to be emotional with Sally. Sally no sells. Oh s***, spit wad to Tripper's head. s***'s gonna get real.
00:36 Spit wad kid is in trouble, man. Triple H crushes a straw WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Wait, that's not impressive.
"I'M MR. BRADSTONE AND I'M... THE CHAPERONE!'
Yeah, I think I got that.
00:37 Tripper has a headache. He yells and threatens the kids. Wow, you're so cool.
Girl teacher (PLAYED BY YEARDLEY SMITH THE VOICE OF LISA SIMPSON) don't like that, oh no. lolololol stupid political correctness, time for Hunter to lay down the facts. Kids are stupid, go yell at a child today.
00:38 Teenage girls want him, teenage boys want to be him. I think Tripper wrote this part of the script.
00:39 Trips is getting dumped on by some other chaperone dude. He likes girl teacher. Tripper tries to help, teaching how to pretend he gives a s*** about what she has to say.
00:40 H tries to bond again. Sally asks him if he's high. Yeah, on life! And steroids. Nah, Triple H never took a pill in his life.
00:41 Oh oh, Josh, the crush kid, likes H. Which means Sally's going to like H so she can get some. You're in there, Hunter!
00:42 In forensics, cops talk about how H is a jerk for trying to rob a bank. They learn about the bus, school trip, and so on.
00:43 Diaper truck continues on! Bad man call the school to try and find the bus. He gets the information he needs.
00:44 The above was very boring. Bad guy pretended to Sally's uncle and a lawyer and something about insulin. I dunno.
00:45 The bus has arrived! Girl teacher gets no attention but THE KING OF KINGS does, and takes over. Triple H talks as if he's in prison. Then stops himself and replaces "hard labour" with "detention" in his rant about punishing misbehaving kids.
00:46 "It's like a bad episode of Nanny 911." There's a good episode?
Cops gonna look for the bus too. The chase is on!
00:47 Oh noes, no tour of the dino exhibit because the dude is sick or something. Looks like Triple H is taking over some more. He's an expert on dinosaurs AND shivs.
00:48 Sally lays in some digs at H when one of the dinosaurs is revealed to have STOLEN eggs, like a dinosaur ROBBER and they should go to dinosaur JAIL. But Trips then owns her.
00:49 There's lots of veiled relationship commentary under the guise of talking about dinosaurs. It's very interesting. Honest.
00:50 I love dinosaurs. But watching a class of children guess for three minutes about dinosaurs evolving into birds is not fun.
00:51 Crush Josh likes Hunter even more. Sally's all "Sure, let's make out."
00:52 Oh oh, Hunter spots the bad guys in the museum! s***'s going down. Tripper gets everyone out, then goes all bad-ass mode. Then he goes to the bathroom and shoves a guy into a stall with his baby son whose taking a dump while singing a song. Sure.
00:53 TRIPLE H KICKING ASS MAN! Threw a bad guy into the window. Punches him out, FROM THE TRAILER! Trips leaves, despite the baddies just threatening to keep hunting him down.
00:54 H is really trying to get moving. He steals the bus from the stoner driver. Oh noes, bad guys diaper truck is found by the cops. Time to steal ANOTHER vehicle.
00:55 Trippers going super fast on the highway, man. He oversteers, on purpose, to get Sally into Hunk Josh's lap. What a daddy!
Aw, stoner is left on his own, with a cuddly dinosaur toy.
00:56 At their next location, Tripper backs away to look for the sack of money. He finds it on his second try. Good luck. He calls the baddies. Turns out they're two feet from each other. H is gonna give the money back.
00:57 BUT THEN THERE WERE COPS. Wow, bad timing. Baddies assume it's a double-cross. Trips returns the money to the bus.
00:58 Chase scene. Complete with baddies doing the Scooby Doo bit where they wear costumes and the cops run right past them.
On a boardwalk! Sally can sing (no, she can't), Josh crushes out because she likes some singer he does. Josh hates clones or wanna-be's, man. He also hates Britney.
00:59 Josh crushes on H some more. Blond snobby bitch tries to move in but is rejected. Momma is calling Sally on the cell phone, ruining her sweet moves on Josh.
01:00 Momma is macking with Baldy. Baldy's accidentally turning up the music and s*** with his universal remote. So mom can't hear all about H and how he's... THE CHAPERONE!
01:01 Bad guys discuss Trips, while they enter a warehouse full of guys with guns. I dunno. Oh, they're all friends. To an extent. Plans are afoot.
01:02 Girl teacher loves the French Quarter. Turns out H was right to abandon the museum because they spent more time there. Nothing Trip does is ever wrong! He has taught her to live in the moment.
01:03 Time for the hotel. Don't leave the hotel, you little f***ers. Girl teacher is going all H on them. Time to complain her hair is too similar, say she worked too stiff, bury her and boot her back to the midcard.
01:04 Blond girl bitch is going to sneak off for some work on her lips. Spit wad guy is going to get some fireworks or something. Hey, stoner is also back somehow!
01:05 Triple H out-stoner talks the stoner bus driver, winning him over. Gotta make that time in prison pass somehow. H takes the money, stoner goes for a hug but is no sold. FROM THE TRAILER!
01:06 The H/Stoner Nick interactions is one of the highlights of this pitiful movie, by the way.
01:07 In his room, H has money. Yay! Good thing it wasn't an exploding dye pack. He's on his iPhone (available now!) now. Calls the badguys, tries to give the money back and is no sold. They're too suspicious now.
01:08 Sally's at the door. Trying to play nice now. Asking him to go get something to eat. Hooray! BONDING! Trip and baddies are gonna meet, on the bad guy's turf in two hours.
01:09 Hunk Crush Josh uses an Apple. Of course. Trips tries to learn what's hip from it. What's fly, daddy-o. How about crotch-chopping?
01:10 Hopefully Apple didn't pay a dime for all this product placement. I thought Apple were cool and hip?
01:11 Other two chaperones are having a tea date. How cute. Here comes H before we can spend more than 5 seconds on another character. It's all about The Game!
H is going to go off with Sally alone. Wacky hijinks to come! Other chaperone thanks H for changing his life (with the pretending to listen stuff). Damn, H, you're just fixing everyone today.
01:12 Triple H is "handsome in a rugged kind of way" apparently says other guy chaperone. Not "big nosed in a horribly wrinkled forehead kind of way". That was mean, I'm sorry. HUGS TIEM IS NOW "That better be your fanny pack." FROM THE TRAILER!
01:13 H and Sally look at bongs. Sorry, they're just old lamps. Triple H tells a really lame story about meeting Sally's mom.
01:14 They're at some music store now. H impresses some dead-head music dude because he's so cool.
01:15 He impresses Sally with his knowledge of Keely Smith. H also likes Sinatra. Now they're eating. He keeps going ON AND ON ABOUT FRANK SINATRA. They're the same, you see.
01:16 Oh god, H is singing Sinatra. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
01:17 "Why did you leave us, dad?" Well, geez, they don't ask if you want to go to prison. Of course, he only robbed the bank to get wifey and Sally the things they wanted. Also he didn't write the first 5 years because he thought "you were better off without me."
01:18 This is some dire emotional stuff. Of course, it's up to 13 (or whatever) year old Sally to carry Triple H, but it's still his name on the top of the card. So nothing new there.
01:19 Cops have found girl teacher. And now everyone knows that... THE CHAPERONE is... THE EX-CON. Drama tiem.
01:20 Trips like Josh who likes Sally who likes Josh and also H a little. Trips splits off just in time for Sally to get the wrong end of the stick about the bank robbery earlier from a passing TV. She turns all SRS Jericho.
01:21 Baldy has an engagement ring. He's gonna propose to H's ex-wife. He even get some violin dude. Then she learns about H and the bus and the etc and runs off. Poor baldy.
01:22 H is back on radio phone-in. What the s*** is this s***? Oh oh Sally's back. s***'s going to get real. I know I've said that a lot, but there's a lot of false starts here.
01:23 Sad H is sad. Actually, he's not too bad here. It's all in the eyes, you see. Everyone is sad. But they make up pretty quickly. Oh oh, cops at the hotel. H needs Sally to get the money. So more hijinks can ensue.
01:24 TACTICAL ESPIONAGE ACTIONS from Sally.
Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEE!
Oh, stoner puts the bag in the bus, then Sally gets it back, but it's the wrong bag. (But you're not supposed to know that yet)
01:25 Trips is going to turn himself in after he gives the money back. He admits he was selfish, looking out for his own best interests and should have put Booker T over at WrestleMania XIX. Ok, maybe just the first two.
01:26 Two seconds after H leaves, the bad guys kidnap Sally. Bad timing, dudette. If Liam Neeson was her dad, she would have know to hide under the bed.
01:27 Around 25 minutes left. Congratulations to anyone who read this far. <3
H is at the warehouse with the money bag (but it's not).
01:28 Time for a fight scene! European uppercut! FROM THE TRAILER!
It only lasted 10 seconds, tops. What a rip. Post fight, the baddies call and you know, Sally, etc. Implied rape? I'm reading too much into that. CUT OFF SWEARING! H is pissed.
And yeah, that 10 second fight scene was the only reason for the warehouse guys introduced back at 01:01.
01:29 Everyone's leaving the hotel. Or going to the lobby or something. Sally is missing! Of course, we know where she is. So, uh, suspense, what's that?
01:30 Hunter is arriving for the final showdown... in a taxi? Who shows up for a showdown in a taxi? Oh, he's in cahoots with the cab driver or something? I dunno.
01:31 The trade is made. Made trade. OH NOES WRONG BAG LOLOLOLOL Didn't see that coming. Oh wait, I did.
Trips actually does a decent "I'm amused, pissed and kind of scared" kind of shtick after the bag reveal.
Oh man, H is trying to cure the bad guys of their criminal urges. Until they point their guns some more. That shuts him up.
01:32 Back at the hotel, Sally gets talked to by some cops. She doesn't tell him squat. Bonding with Josh time! All the kids H has helped, or scared, or downright threatened now band together to help... THE CHAPERONE!
01:33 Their search for H's location is powered by the iPhone. Buy one today!
"Now here's the plan... whisper whisper whisper." That's not a cliche, no sir.
Spit wad kid uses firecrackers to simulate gunshots to distract the cops so they can all escape. Blond bitch girl, with her mouth covered also runs after the Scooby Gang.
01:34 Stoner driver easily gets sent off the bus and now... Sally's going to drive! f***ing A! Guess that one driving lesson when she was 4 years old paid off.
01:35 Lol, turns out bitchy girl's lip operation was botched. And they run a red light. How dare they!
Trips is tied up in a chair and being roughed up. He quotes Einstein. He's so zen.
01:36 The kids have arrived. Epic speech from Sally. Not really. Spit wad kid helps with a plan. From Sun Tzu. Or something. I don't care.
Oh, did I mention the final showdown is in "Mardi Gras World"? Well, I have now. Suckers.
01:37 Bad guys still don't believe the money is on the bus. Kiddies about to get ready with their plan or whatever.
Blond bitch girl has called the cops! Oh man, she's a traitor!
01:38 Fireworks distract the bad guys. This movie loves f***ing fireworks.
Trips is trying to break free, drops his iPhone (buy one today!) and it calls that phone-in show he's ALWAYS on.
01:39 Sally and Hunky Josh untied H. They get caught by the baddies, but now they give over the money. The phone-in is listening and has alerted the cops. Uh, even more. I guess.
But the bad guy says, over the phone, H wasn't part of the robbery! Hey hey, he's off the hook in 10 or so minutes, fantastic!
Cops have arrived! Game over, baddies!
01:40 Things are coming to a close. Thankfully.
Oh man, Hunter's under arrest! But then he's not. Three seconds later. What drama! Everyone are friends again.
01:41 Here comes Sally momma! H GETS BITCH SLAPPED! TWICE! Hunter comes back with the Harley Race high knee! Or not.
But everything is cool again. Sally and H do their stupid childhood handshake or whatever.
01:42 "A short time later" H has a first date and a new job. Sally's helping him out. H can't tie a tie so he just kind of throws it away. He's dating his ex. Obviously.
Poor baldy.
01:43 H is now working on the radio show! And the bad guy calls him! And Hunter helps him out with all his crappy advice then implies anal rape or getting shanked or something. What? What?
THE END
Now you don't have to watch it.
00:00 WWE Films logo! Woo! Suspenseful music over a radio call-in. Exciting s***. Especially for children.
00:01 Triple H with a beard in prison! He's talking with a radio therapist then smacks some guy with a phone.
THE CHAPERONE title. Now in default font and starring Paul "Terra Ryzing" Levesque. Ok, they say Triple H.
00:02 Fist bump! Then he educates a security guard about self discovery and dinosaurs. Why not?
He's a free man! He breaths deeply. Deep. He's Ray now, just plain Ray. No longer Ray-Ray. You can call him H or you can call him Ray, just don't call him Ray-Ray...
00:03 Sinister man in car lookin' at Tripper! Aw hell naw!
00:04 Triple H ain't playin' this criminal game. He's asking to drive the sinister man's car. They used to be buds. Sinister man is not so sinister once he gets out.
Ray steals the car! Aw man, Ray, you'll be back inside for that!
00:05 Night time. Motel. Tripper trims his beard with a wee pair of scissors. He looks at a picture of his daughter while wearing tighty whiteys.
00:06 Day time! How did Tripper get so clean shaven from a tiny pair of scissors. He has a teddy bear and s***. He's coming home, baby!
00:07 Wifey ain't happy. She tells Tripper to get to f***. Aw now daughters coming home. Drama man. Emotional strings on the soundtrack man. I'm gonna cry man.
00:08 Daughter runs away crying. She hates teddy bears, I think. DOOR SLAM! Aw man, emotional Triple H is sad. He quotes his self-help book.
00:09 HIGH SCHOOL! Tripper turns up to bug his daughter at school. She owns him and tells him to f*** off to Alaska. Sad Hunter is sad.
School yard fight! Fight! Fight Fight! Tripper breaks it up. Kids and Hunter quote Sun Tzu at each other. Yes. I just wrote that.
00:10 Daughter lies for daddy, saying he was in federal... government. Oh oh school trip. I wonder where this is going.
00:11 Triple H loves dinosaurs, motherf***er.
More drama. Sad Triple H is... sad? I guess. Gurning at least.
00:12 Night time. Motel. Hunter reads more self-help books. Oh oh, guy whose car Tripper stole is back.
Ray-Ray/H was a getaway driver, man. He let Ray get arrested or something seven years ago.
00:13 The crew is getting back together, man. It's the Kliq. Or some bank robbing thing. Triple H explodes and tries to be angry, but kind of gives a Raw-promo from 2003 vibe.
00:14 Day time. Hunter returns home (again), and meets his ex's current. Or something. He's a doctor and bald and kind of nerdy, so he's a loser, OBVIOUSLY.
00:15 Paul Levesque titters at the name Marvin. Deep "I wuz a single mom" s***. Triple H bitches about how everyone is mean to him just because he spent 7 years in jail.
00:16 OH OH TRIPLE H IS GONNA GET A JOB. WACKY HIJINKS SOON I HOPE!
Mechanic Triple H! "Ever done a hummer?" "You're talking about the car, right?" Hyuk hyuk.
00:17 Vegetarian Chef Triple H! "No meat?" "No meat." Makes fun of a vegetarian.
Accountant Triple H? ...not allowed work for his stuffy firm because he was in prison for 7 years.
00:18 Triple H whines on the radio phone-in. This radio phone-in dependency is so strange.
00:19 Aw man, Tripper's motel is on fire man. All his book (singular) was in there!
Tripper goes to a dive. You can tell because it's dark and has neon signs. Oh, he's going to rob the bank! Holy s***! Don't do it, H!
00:20 Back at high school. Some pop song plays. Field trip time. Only two bags allowed per student? What bull.
00:21 Nick is a stoner bag loader/bus driver, he hasn't loaded the bags because "the picture hasn't formed, man". Tripper is car driving. He doesn't like his old gang. They annoy him.
00:22 They're gonna do it, man. Gonna rob the bank, man. The three robbers wear Bush/Cheyney/Rice masks.
00:23 Daughter says bye to momma.
BANK ROBBERY! ACTION! GET ON THE GROUND! ALL THE MONEY! IN THE BAG! COME ON!
Daugher has a crush on some doofus on a skateboard.
Oh man Trips getaway car and therefore the bank they're robbing is like 8 inches from the school what are the odds man oh man what will Tripper do?
00:24 Flashback! He taught his girl to drive when she was, like, 4 or something. He had a s***ty 'tache/goatee thing back then.
Sad Triple H is... sad? I guess. He looks bored.
00:25 Triple H got out of the car, man. Way to sell out your buds. He throws the keys away. Just because.
On the bus! Some girl is going to get her lips done. Oh kids today with their constant plastic surgery!
00:26 Everyone has a crush on Josh, the tall (presumably) hunky skateboarding kid from earlier.
Here comes Tripper to be... THE CHAPERONE!
Bank robbery still going on. Exciting times. Everyone laughs at the Condi Rice mask.
Sally (Oh thats the daughters name) is of course mortified that her dad is... THE CHAPERONE!
00:27 Cops are coming, man! Robbers escape... but no Tripper! Ruh-roh!
00:28 Sally wants H off the bus. Triple H looks... gassy? It's a whole new side of Triple H! I said gassy, not gassed up or on the gas.
00:29 Oh LOLOLOLOLOL the bag of bank robbery money fell into the bags for the bus trip. Wackiness will ensure! "Man, you're messing up my bags, maaaaaaaan." says stoner dude.
00:30 Triple H forces stoner to drive before they get held up by the cops. Justice is just such a time eater, man.
00:31 One of the robbers gets run down by a cop car. The other two steal some ladies car because, you know, criminals. Oh oh, they spot Tripper on the bus.
00:32 Hey the criminals car has no plates! Then they rear end a truck carrying dirty diapers. Humour! So they steal the diaper truck.
00:33 Oh, the trip is going to New Orleans. Funny times in the bank as they all talk about the masks and lol a guy wore a girl mask lololololol rofl. Shoot me now.
00:34 Oh oh they found the keys Tripper had. They're gonna get a fingerprint, it's gonna be The Game's. Oh man oh man oh man.
Kids misbehaving on the bus man. Time for Tripper to lay down the law. THERE'S ONLY ONE DIAMOND IN THIS BUS AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM!
00:35 Tripper tries to be emotional with Sally. Sally no sells. Oh s***, spit wad to Tripper's head. s***'s gonna get real.
00:36 Spit wad kid is in trouble, man. Triple H crushes a straw WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Wait, that's not impressive.
"I'M MR. BRADSTONE AND I'M... THE CHAPERONE!'
Yeah, I think I got that.
00:37 Tripper has a headache. He yells and threatens the kids. Wow, you're so cool.
Girl teacher (PLAYED BY YEARDLEY SMITH THE VOICE OF LISA SIMPSON) don't like that, oh no. lolololol stupid political correctness, time for Hunter to lay down the facts. Kids are stupid, go yell at a child today.
00:38 Teenage girls want him, teenage boys want to be him. I think Tripper wrote this part of the script.
00:39 Trips is getting dumped on by some other chaperone dude. He likes girl teacher. Tripper tries to help, teaching how to pretend he gives a s*** about what she has to say.
00:40 H tries to bond again. Sally asks him if he's high. Yeah, on life! And steroids. Nah, Triple H never took a pill in his life.
00:41 Oh oh, Josh, the crush kid, likes H. Which means Sally's going to like H so she can get some. You're in there, Hunter!
00:42 In forensics, cops talk about how H is a jerk for trying to rob a bank. They learn about the bus, school trip, and so on.
00:43 Diaper truck continues on! Bad man call the school to try and find the bus. He gets the information he needs.
00:44 The above was very boring. Bad guy pretended to Sally's uncle and a lawyer and something about insulin. I dunno.
00:45 The bus has arrived! Girl teacher gets no attention but THE KING OF KINGS does, and takes over. Triple H talks as if he's in prison. Then stops himself and replaces "hard labour" with "detention" in his rant about punishing misbehaving kids.
00:46 "It's like a bad episode of Nanny 911." There's a good episode?
Cops gonna look for the bus too. The chase is on!
00:47 Oh noes, no tour of the dino exhibit because the dude is sick or something. Looks like Triple H is taking over some more. He's an expert on dinosaurs AND shivs.
00:48 Sally lays in some digs at H when one of the dinosaurs is revealed to have STOLEN eggs, like a dinosaur ROBBER and they should go to dinosaur JAIL. But Trips then owns her.
00:49 There's lots of veiled relationship commentary under the guise of talking about dinosaurs. It's very interesting. Honest.
00:50 I love dinosaurs. But watching a class of children guess for three minutes about dinosaurs evolving into birds is not fun.
00:51 Crush Josh likes Hunter even more. Sally's all "Sure, let's make out."
00:52 Oh oh, Hunter spots the bad guys in the museum! s***'s going down. Tripper gets everyone out, then goes all bad-ass mode. Then he goes to the bathroom and shoves a guy into a stall with his baby son whose taking a dump while singing a song. Sure.
00:53 TRIPLE H KICKING ASS MAN! Threw a bad guy into the window. Punches him out, FROM THE TRAILER! Trips leaves, despite the baddies just threatening to keep hunting him down.
00:54 H is really trying to get moving. He steals the bus from the stoner driver. Oh noes, bad guys diaper truck is found by the cops. Time to steal ANOTHER vehicle.
00:55 Trippers going super fast on the highway, man. He oversteers, on purpose, to get Sally into Hunk Josh's lap. What a daddy!
Aw, stoner is left on his own, with a cuddly dinosaur toy.
00:56 At their next location, Tripper backs away to look for the sack of money. He finds it on his second try. Good luck. He calls the baddies. Turns out they're two feet from each other. H is gonna give the money back.
00:57 BUT THEN THERE WERE COPS. Wow, bad timing. Baddies assume it's a double-cross. Trips returns the money to the bus.
00:58 Chase scene. Complete with baddies doing the Scooby Doo bit where they wear costumes and the cops run right past them.
On a boardwalk! Sally can sing (no, she can't), Josh crushes out because she likes some singer he does. Josh hates clones or wanna-be's, man. He also hates Britney.
00:59 Josh crushes on H some more. Blond snobby bitch tries to move in but is rejected. Momma is calling Sally on the cell phone, ruining her sweet moves on Josh.
01:00 Momma is macking with Baldy. Baldy's accidentally turning up the music and s*** with his universal remote. So mom can't hear all about H and how he's... THE CHAPERONE!
01:01 Bad guys discuss Trips, while they enter a warehouse full of guys with guns. I dunno. Oh, they're all friends. To an extent. Plans are afoot.
01:02 Girl teacher loves the French Quarter. Turns out H was right to abandon the museum because they spent more time there. Nothing Trip does is ever wrong! He has taught her to live in the moment.
01:03 Time for the hotel. Don't leave the hotel, you little f***ers. Girl teacher is going all H on them. Time to complain her hair is too similar, say she worked too stiff, bury her and boot her back to the midcard.
01:04 Blond girl bitch is going to sneak off for some work on her lips. Spit wad guy is going to get some fireworks or something. Hey, stoner is also back somehow!
01:05 Triple H out-stoner talks the stoner bus driver, winning him over. Gotta make that time in prison pass somehow. H takes the money, stoner goes for a hug but is no sold. FROM THE TRAILER!
01:06 The H/Stoner Nick interactions is one of the highlights of this pitiful movie, by the way.
01:07 In his room, H has money. Yay! Good thing it wasn't an exploding dye pack. He's on his iPhone (available now!) now. Calls the badguys, tries to give the money back and is no sold. They're too suspicious now.
01:08 Sally's at the door. Trying to play nice now. Asking him to go get something to eat. Hooray! BONDING! Trip and baddies are gonna meet, on the bad guy's turf in two hours.
01:09 Hunk Crush Josh uses an Apple. Of course. Trips tries to learn what's hip from it. What's fly, daddy-o. How about crotch-chopping?
01:10 Hopefully Apple didn't pay a dime for all this product placement. I thought Apple were cool and hip?
01:11 Other two chaperones are having a tea date. How cute. Here comes H before we can spend more than 5 seconds on another character. It's all about The Game!
H is going to go off with Sally alone. Wacky hijinks to come! Other chaperone thanks H for changing his life (with the pretending to listen stuff). Damn, H, you're just fixing everyone today.
01:12 Triple H is "handsome in a rugged kind of way" apparently says other guy chaperone. Not "big nosed in a horribly wrinkled forehead kind of way". That was mean, I'm sorry. HUGS TIEM IS NOW "That better be your fanny pack." FROM THE TRAILER!
01:13 H and Sally look at bongs. Sorry, they're just old lamps. Triple H tells a really lame story about meeting Sally's mom.
01:14 They're at some music store now. H impresses some dead-head music dude because he's so cool.
01:15 He impresses Sally with his knowledge of Keely Smith. H also likes Sinatra. Now they're eating. He keeps going ON AND ON ABOUT FRANK SINATRA. They're the same, you see.
01:16 Oh god, H is singing Sinatra. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god
01:17 "Why did you leave us, dad?" Well, geez, they don't ask if you want to go to prison. Of course, he only robbed the bank to get wifey and Sally the things they wanted. Also he didn't write the first 5 years because he thought "you were better off without me."
01:18 This is some dire emotional stuff. Of course, it's up to 13 (or whatever) year old Sally to carry Triple H, but it's still his name on the top of the card. So nothing new there.
01:19 Cops have found girl teacher. And now everyone knows that... THE CHAPERONE is... THE EX-CON. Drama tiem.
01:20 Trips like Josh who likes Sally who likes Josh and also H a little. Trips splits off just in time for Sally to get the wrong end of the stick about the bank robbery earlier from a passing TV. She turns all SRS Jericho.
01:21 Baldy has an engagement ring. He's gonna propose to H's ex-wife. He even get some violin dude. Then she learns about H and the bus and the etc and runs off. Poor baldy.
01:22 H is back on radio phone-in. What the s*** is this s***? Oh oh Sally's back. s***'s going to get real. I know I've said that a lot, but there's a lot of false starts here.
01:23 Sad H is sad. Actually, he's not too bad here. It's all in the eyes, you see. Everyone is sad. But they make up pretty quickly. Oh oh, cops at the hotel. H needs Sally to get the money. So more hijinks can ensue.
01:24 TACTICAL ESPIONAGE ACTIONS from Sally.
Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEE!
Oh, stoner puts the bag in the bus, then Sally gets it back, but it's the wrong bag. (But you're not supposed to know that yet)
01:25 Trips is going to turn himself in after he gives the money back. He admits he was selfish, looking out for his own best interests and should have put Booker T over at WrestleMania XIX. Ok, maybe just the first two.
01:26 Two seconds after H leaves, the bad guys kidnap Sally. Bad timing, dudette. If Liam Neeson was her dad, she would have know to hide under the bed.
01:27 Around 25 minutes left. Congratulations to anyone who read this far. <3
H is at the warehouse with the money bag (but it's not).
01:28 Time for a fight scene! European uppercut! FROM THE TRAILER!
It only lasted 10 seconds, tops. What a rip. Post fight, the baddies call and you know, Sally, etc. Implied rape? I'm reading too much into that. CUT OFF SWEARING! H is pissed.
And yeah, that 10 second fight scene was the only reason for the warehouse guys introduced back at 01:01.
01:29 Everyone's leaving the hotel. Or going to the lobby or something. Sally is missing! Of course, we know where she is. So, uh, suspense, what's that?
01:30 Hunter is arriving for the final showdown... in a taxi? Who shows up for a showdown in a taxi? Oh, he's in cahoots with the cab driver or something? I dunno.
01:31 The trade is made. Made trade. OH NOES WRONG BAG LOLOLOLOL Didn't see that coming. Oh wait, I did.
Trips actually does a decent "I'm amused, pissed and kind of scared" kind of shtick after the bag reveal.
Oh man, H is trying to cure the bad guys of their criminal urges. Until they point their guns some more. That shuts him up.
01:32 Back at the hotel, Sally gets talked to by some cops. She doesn't tell him squat. Bonding with Josh time! All the kids H has helped, or scared, or downright threatened now band together to help... THE CHAPERONE!
01:33 Their search for H's location is powered by the iPhone. Buy one today!
"Now here's the plan... whisper whisper whisper." That's not a cliche, no sir.
Spit wad kid uses firecrackers to simulate gunshots to distract the cops so they can all escape. Blond bitch girl, with her mouth covered also runs after the Scooby Gang.
01:34 Stoner driver easily gets sent off the bus and now... Sally's going to drive! f***ing A! Guess that one driving lesson when she was 4 years old paid off.
01:35 Lol, turns out bitchy girl's lip operation was botched. And they run a red light. How dare they!
Trips is tied up in a chair and being roughed up. He quotes Einstein. He's so zen.
01:36 The kids have arrived. Epic speech from Sally. Not really. Spit wad kid helps with a plan. From Sun Tzu. Or something. I don't care.
Oh, did I mention the final showdown is in "Mardi Gras World"? Well, I have now. Suckers.
01:37 Bad guys still don't believe the money is on the bus. Kiddies about to get ready with their plan or whatever.
Blond bitch girl has called the cops! Oh man, she's a traitor!
01:38 Fireworks distract the bad guys. This movie loves f***ing fireworks.
Trips is trying to break free, drops his iPhone (buy one today!) and it calls that phone-in show he's ALWAYS on.
01:39 Sally and Hunky Josh untied H. They get caught by the baddies, but now they give over the money. The phone-in is listening and has alerted the cops. Uh, even more. I guess.
But the bad guy says, over the phone, H wasn't part of the robbery! Hey hey, he's off the hook in 10 or so minutes, fantastic!
Cops have arrived! Game over, baddies!
01:40 Things are coming to a close. Thankfully.
Oh man, Hunter's under arrest! But then he's not. Three seconds later. What drama! Everyone are friends again.
01:41 Here comes Sally momma! H GETS BITCH SLAPPED! TWICE! Hunter comes back with the Harley Race high knee! Or not.
But everything is cool again. Sally and H do their stupid childhood handshake or whatever.
01:42 "A short time later" H has a first date and a new job. Sally's helping him out. H can't tie a tie so he just kind of throws it away. He's dating his ex. Obviously.
Poor baldy.
01:43 H is now working on the radio show! And the bad guy calls him! And Hunter helps him out with all his crappy advice then implies anal rape or getting shanked or something. What? What?
THE END
Now you don't have to watch it.
