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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2012 22:07:07 GMT -5
So at a New Years Eve party last night I went to a co-worker's house and her girlfriend (let's call them Jim and Jane). His girlfriend has admitted that she has a crush on me, and the boyfriend is aware of it as well. It has led to a few awkward moments but nothing that has been outrageous (we did have a small kiss once, and he knows about that).
We have had groups over there that hang out. He has gotten pissed off at us (sometimes just her) and had fights with her in front of us. I've always been the kind to avoid conflicts but have not hesitated to tell her to not put up with that and to take a stand.
Last night, Jim got mad (and I mean yelling bitchfit mad) because of all the noise we were making. Jane walked up and remarked that him playing Call of Duty was making more noise than anything else in the house (which was true). He had given nobody prior warning before he just snapped about the noise. Jane told him he could either chill out or leave...so he left. We later found out he went to Kansas City (about 45 minutes from where she lives). We were left to console her, in fact we were still talking to her as the clock struck midnight for the new year, we spent the point of the night trying to calm her down.
She then received a phonecall from her mother (she does call a lot, little overprotective but not overbearing). She said that Jim had called her and complained about various things we'd been doing (with underage drinking being the major culprit) that we really weren't. We did have alcohol but only those of-age were drinking and I was assigned the group DD that night (which was fine, I have VERY few drinks I like, but I digress).
The major problem is, this isn't the first time he has been this way. He has stormed out on her before over things going on, made rules for her just to keep her in a leash (in fact, he has told her she cannot hang out with me without him around). Jane has told me he hit her before, she even saw it as a positive that he'd hit her "only once". He has even gotten mad and stormed out at us all hanging out at their place before last night. He's even threatened to move far away (out-of-state) should Jane ever dump him.
The more I think about it, the more I feel about her and knowing how she feels about me...I know she is with him but I am getting tired of watching her become a wreck thanks to him. Last night was the breaking point. I was raised and taught how to treat people properly, women especially, and it makes me sick to my stomach that he ends up with someone I like and that likes me and treats her in a way that's a complete contradiction of all of that. I have tried to support them and tried to encourage them to work through it, but I'm tired of it. He takes her for granted, and treats her with no respect at all. And yet I've had to set back and see the most amazing woman I know be treated like that.
As wrong as it seems, I want so badly to steal her away from him. I have been in relationships before, and I KNOW I'd treat her better than he does, and would see her as something special and never take her or anything she does for granted. I believe I at least deserve an opportunity to show what she means to me, without having to worry about what someone as ungrateful as Jim thinks of it.
Am I totally in the wrong on this? I've hit the end of my rope, and I don't want my opportunity to slip because she feels backed into a corner thanks to him. I have tried to be a friend and supportive of her, but there is no doubt in my mind this man needs kicked to the curb. She has told me she is afraid of being alone and afraid of him having to move away and change his whole life because of her. Corny as it sounds (and I know the decision is hers and hers alone to make), I want her to know she wouldn't be alone if she did.
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Ghostorm
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Post by Ghostorm on Jan 1, 2012 22:28:54 GMT -5
My personal opinion..... run like hell and never look back!!!
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Mozenrath
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Post by Mozenrath on Jan 1, 2012 23:35:16 GMT -5
Probably should wash your hands of it, but I wouldn't feel guilty "stealing" her, if she does like you and he's doing stuff like throwing a tantrum and leaving and calling her mommy on her to tattle.
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Post by "I'm Batman..." on Jan 1, 2012 23:36:48 GMT -5
I'd stay out of that one, sounds messed up. I'd remain friendly at work. I wouldn't want to go to her place if that's what's happening. Let her make the decision to come to you.
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Post by Piccolo on Jan 1, 2012 23:38:00 GMT -5
She should've broken up with him after he hit her. And I don't think it would be right to encourage them to work it out, under those circumstances.
Secondly, he has every right to request that she not see you when he's not around, if she confessed to him that she has a crush on you and kissed you, but is still with him and has made him think she wants to make their relationship work. That's not especially weird. What's weird is her continuing to be with him if she has a crush on you, kissed you, and knows the feeling is mutual with you, and is more interested in you than in him.
The fact that she's still with him despite wanting another man raises some red flags about her in my mind. If you really want to see where this could go, I'd recommend telling her in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you're willing to do. But if she stays with him, man, like Ghostorm said, run like hell. There seem to be a lot of issues there that you may not be able to do anything about, and you don't want to get in the middle of it if she's not interested enough in you to leave him.
But no, you wouldn't be wrong to "steal" her from him. You can't steal someone. People aren't property.
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Dr. T is an alien
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Post by Dr. T is an alien on Jan 1, 2012 23:41:29 GMT -5
Personally, I feel that the better approach would be to get her to recognize that her relationship isn't healthy as one of a group of friends. If things develop after she gets out of a destructive relationship, you don't need to feel guilty as you did not steal her.
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Post by Hit Girl on Jan 2, 2012 1:00:47 GMT -5
If she likes you, why is she with him?
I'd advise you to stay away from them both. They sound like trouble.
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Mozenrath
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Post by Mozenrath on Jan 2, 2012 1:20:52 GMT -5
If she likes you, why is she with him? I'd advise you to stay away from them both. They sound like trouble. Probably, though sometimes people have a misguided urge to "see through" a terrible relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean she isn't into Powerline. That said, you do have a point.
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Post by Cyno on Jan 2, 2012 1:28:08 GMT -5
Draw a line in the sand. If you really like this girl, that line will be "dump your boyfriend." Don't be anyone's side dish. If she refuses, then walk away.
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Cranjis McBasketball
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Post by Cranjis McBasketball on Jan 2, 2012 2:01:23 GMT -5
It seems like a good idea, but it isn't. I have been down this road. Not fun.
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Post by emoney3265 on Jan 2, 2012 2:17:53 GMT -5
Drama filled. She'll only use you to fulfill the needs she doesn't get from him but still be committed to him and not you. Don't even think about it. You'd only set yourself up for drama...
Besides, if she isn't committed to him, regardless of how well you treat her, who's to say she won't go 'kissing' other guys when you don't fulfill all of her needs. She's just using you for what she's not getting...
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Post by Alex Shelley on Jan 2, 2012 5:21:52 GMT -5
Okay. Put away your feelings for a second.
This woman is being abused, or at least will be soon. This is how abuse starts. The relationship is not healthy and will get worse. Abusers do things very slowly, they reel their victims in so that they don't even realize it's happening. Making rules to keep her on a leash is a huge red flag; that is what abusers do, they make rules, they try to isolate their victims from their friends. He's already hit her once and I promise you he will hit her again.
Try to talk to her about getting out of the relationship. Don't tell her it's abusive, that will never work. Trust me, I've been there. Do tell her you're concerned that it's not healthy. Tell her as a group. Tell her you're there for her. Being supportive is the best thing you can do.
Do not try to have a relationship with her. This is not about you. You're not a savior. You're not a knight in shining armor. And, honestly? It's kind of patronizing to talk about "stealing her away". She's not an object, she's a human being. "he ends up with someone I like and that likes me and treats her in a way that's a complete contradiction of all of that." That sentence in particular makes me extremely uncomfortable. Yes, she's stated she has feelings for you, but that doesn't make it any better.
There are a ton, TON of reasons why trying a relationship would be terrible for both of you. You'd be the rebound, she's going to be in an emotional state because who isn't after a breakup. I can also tell you that with unhealthy/abusive situations, breaking up doesn't necessarily mean it's over. I was still abused for months after I was dumped; in fact, some of the worst parts of it happened after we were no longer an official couple.
Sorry if I'm seeming blunt but this is obviously a touchy subject with me and... I feel kinda weird that you're making this about YOU when there's a woman here who is in a really s***ty relationship and she was HIT.
(PS: And to anybody who is seriously giving her shit for staying in the relationship, do look up Stockholm Syndrome. There are perfectly legitimate psychological reasons why people stay with somebody who treats them terribly. I HAVE BEEN THERE. Don't even try to give somebody shit for not leaving an unhealthy relationship if you haven't.)
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Mozenrath
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Post by Mozenrath on Jan 2, 2012 6:02:19 GMT -5
Fair points, though I think you're being rather harsh on the OP. He clearly is concerned about the girl, and while it is about him in-so-far as it relates to him and before he came to ask for advice, I don't think it's all that weird. As you said, he's not a savior, or a white knight, so things in his life will come back to how it effects him, what his best interests are. That's where they should be, because he cannot make this decision for her.
You are completely right about the rebound aspect, though. She needs out, and being single, while painful, would probably do her a lot of good, and teach her self reliance. That is one of the most important things a person coming out of an abusive relationship can learn.
Not a shell, or an aggressive paranoid stance, but true, secure self-reliance. Becoming her own person.
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Post by Hit Girl on Jan 2, 2012 7:03:38 GMT -5
I'd view her claims of violence with a pinch of salt. She could be saying that merely for sympathy. Also, it's entirely possible that her boyfriend is just getting frustrated at her interest in you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2012 8:31:07 GMT -5
Trust me guys, I'm keeping all of that in mind. I know she has some "battle scars" per se, and I didn't see the "hit", have only heard about it, and of course I don't have the gall to ask the man about it (I don't think I'm supposed to know about it in the first place).
I don't know if she is entirely aware that the feeling is mutual. She thinks I'm still in support of them two, and they have had their good moments too, but it always seems to go 1:1 with something bad.
As far as the kiss is concerned, it really was just a peck. On the lips, sure, but nothing THAT out there. And I know, a kiss by itself is out there as is but it wasn't a french, we didn't make out, or anything like that.
I understand that it isn't all about me and I apologize if it comes off that way. I just have the way I see it, what I've seen with my own eyes and what she has told me has happened (and I'm not just assuming that stuff is true). And I do hope more than anything that she'd just get out of that relationship. Wherever I am in it all is where I am.
And Citten, you got a PM coming your way from me. Be on the lookout.
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Post by Brian Suntan on Jan 2, 2012 8:35:55 GMT -5
I'd say do one or the other. Tell her how you feel, or back away and let them try and work it out.
I don't think your presence in their relationship is helping anyone.
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Post by rapidfire187 on Jan 2, 2012 17:46:29 GMT -5
He sounds like a bit of a dick. Maybe that's even an understatement. But I can't imagine that knowing that your girlfriend is into another guy, one that comes around fairly often, is the type of thing that lends well to a person's sanity. Especially if he loves her.
That said, based on my past experiences there's no way in hell I would stay with her if I was him. I wouldn't do what he's doing, which is being a dick, making life miserable for her and anyone else that's unfortunate enough to be around at the same time that you are...but I wouldn't just roll over and be okay with it either. If he knows that she has a crush on you, that means that she had to have told somebody...maybe even him. In that situation, there's no reason to stick around.
I'm not saying that you're the bad guy here or anything. You can't help that she likes you and that you like her. The thing is though, he's not being a completely unreasonable prick for acting up like he is. Love can make people do things that they normally wouldn't. I know I've certainly done some things I'm not proud of when a girlfriend was making me jealous.
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Post by Triple H buried SnS on Jan 2, 2012 17:53:30 GMT -5
Okay. Put away your feelings for a second. This woman is being abused, or at least will be soon. This is how abuse starts. The relationship is not healthy and will get worse. Abusers do things very slowly, they reel their victims in so that they don't even realize it's happening. Making rules to keep her on a leash is a huge red flag; that is what abusers do, they make rules, they try to isolate their victims from their friends. He's already hit her once and I promise you he will hit her again. Try to talk to her about getting out of the relationship. Don't tell her it's abusive, that will never work. Trust me, I've been there. Do tell her you're concerned that it's not healthy. Tell her as a group. Tell her you're there for her. Being supportive is the best thing you can do. Do not try to have a relationship with her. This is not about you. You're not a savior. You're not a knight in shining armor. And, honestly? It's kind of patronizing to talk about "stealing her away". She's not an object, she's a human being. "he ends up with someone I like and that likes me and treats her in a way that's a complete contradiction of all of that." That sentence in particular makes me extremely uncomfortable. Yes, she's stated she has feelings for you, but that doesn't make it any better. There are a ton, TON of reasons why trying a relationship would be terrible for both of you. You'd be the rebound, she's going to be in an emotional state because who isn't after a breakup. I can also tell you that with unhealthy/abusive situations, breaking up doesn't necessarily mean it's over. I was still abused for months after I was dumped; in fact, some of the worst parts of it happened after we were no longer an official couple. Sorry if I'm seeming blunt but this is obviously a touchy subject with me and... I feel kinda weird that you're making this about YOU when there's a woman here who is in a really s***ty relationship and she was HIT. (PS: And to anybody who is seriously giving her s*** for staying in the relationship, do look up Stockholm Syndrome. There are perfectly legitimate psychological reasons why people stay with somebody who treats them terribly. I HAVE BEEN THERE. Don't even try to give somebody s*** for not leaving an unhealthy relationship if you haven't.) My post would have been similar to this. I probably would not have been as blunt, but its probably best that it was done as such.
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Post by Rolent Tex on Jan 2, 2012 18:09:19 GMT -5
If you know the relationship is abusive, even if she kicks him to the curb, it's not something I would want to jump into for both of your sakes. I'd be there for her as a friend if it happens, but as far as a relationship, who knows how deep the abuse actually goes. There could be mental damage to go along with the physical and until that is dealt with, any relationship could be doomed from the start.
My sister-in-law just got out of an abusive relationship with her baby daddy. He pretty much beat the hell out of her, beat her even worse when she protected the kids from him and it got to the point where she fantasized about flat out murdering him. She wanted to leave him but couldn't bring herself too. Once she finally did, she ended up quickly getting into a new relationship and actually got married to the surprise of everyone...but the mental damage is still there. When her and her husband get into arguments, she instinctively protects herself like he's going to hit her. He has to assure her that he would never strike her. Who knows how deep it goes with this girl yet?
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Krimzon
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Post by Krimzon on Jan 2, 2012 18:16:43 GMT -5
Kick his ass, f*** her, then wake up in the moring with bloody knuckles and a smile. Best advice I can give.
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