Cheating in relationships.

[Cela]

Well, one time I was cheated on, she broke up with me, then told me in excurtiating detail of two week f*** fest with the guy she left me for. Now, I'll admit I asked and kept pressing for detail, mainly to make sure I never fell for her again.

[Dat Dude]

I picked "A" but the "decide what to do from there?" part, what decision? The relationship is over. There are a few things in relationships you can't take back, cheating is one of them. You can never trust the person, you'll never forget about it, and you can try to forgive but ultimately it will lead to being passive aggressive with them.

Option "B" is incredibly dangerous due to god knows what potential STDs your partner could bring back to you.

[BigBadZ]

A without question. My girlfriend cheated and I caught her in the lie. She eventually told me the story, and that the guy had known her for a long time and "loved" her and she left me after 2 years for him. I knew the guy from years and years ago and I told her he only wanted to get some. About a month after we broke up, he left her because he had gotten what he wanted.

I believe most cheaters start with the emotional affair, then will lead into the physical. Kind of goes hand in hand, IMO.

[MGH]

Anyone who chooses B needs some serious help.

[Deleted]

Wheres the C option? of telling said person get to kickin f***ing rocks.

I do not give second chances when it comes to cheating , but if I had no other choice but those two it would be A...and I would still tell them pack up your shit and get out.

[Push R Truth]

Option C needs to be: Maury saves the Day!

[HMARK Center]

Jan 11, 2013 14:16:13 GMT -5 Dat Dude said:

I picked "A" but the "decide what to do from there?" part, what decision? The relationship is over. There are a few things in relationships you can't take back, cheating is one of them. You can never trust the person, you'll never forget about it, and you can try to forgive but ultimately it will lead to being passive aggressive with them.

While I agree with Option A, I flat-out disagree with your analysis, while understanding that it's a subjective thing.

If somebody comes out and honestly admits a failure like that to you, it's certainly tough to swallow, but it does show you something. If a woman cheated on me, had the sand to tell me about it, and told me she was remorseful about it, I'd feel a modicum of respect for that level of honesty. I'd be horrified, don't get me wrong; a betrayal of trust is a betrayal of trust, no matter how you slice it. But why would she inform me about it if she didn't care about me, trust me, and not want to have a secret that heavy existing between us? To me, that's an invitation to serious reflection, discussion, and hopefully (there's certainly no guarantee it'll happen) reconciliation.

It sucks, but people are fallible, at times weak. Poor decisions are made, regretful actions taken, and very often those actions and decisions adversely effect the people we most care about, from family, to friends, to significant others.

It can depend on a case-by-case basis, I'll grant you. If I'm in a relationship where both sides have put time, energy, dedication, and love in, I wouldn't want to throw it away due to an indiscretion. It doesn't mean I could salvage the relationship; perhaps the damage involved was too great. But it'd take more than one regretful decision to make me instantly end things. In a less serious situation? Yeah, I could walk away more easily, since I'm not as invested.

Now this should be distinguished from a pattern of trust betrayal or abusive behavior. If the person doing the cheating has also been acting emotionally distant or unavailable, hurtful, or negligent, then the physical act of cheating could simply be seen as the straw breaking the camel's back. My example before this was more of a healthy relationship where one party simply makes a poor choice or has a moment of weakness in an otherwise strong, caring situation.

Also, to offer a grain of salt, I'm offering very dry, sober analysis here. When caught in the moment of hearing somebody has cheated on you, reactions can wildly vary given varying emotional states, obviously.

As for emotional affairs, I frankly find those infinitely worse than physical ones. Physical cheating can happen, but be worked past; if you're emotionally cheating, it demonstrates that the problems in your relationship go much, much deeper than what the physical tends to entail.

[Dat Dude]

Jan 11, 2013 14:36:58 GMT -5 HMARK Center said:

Jan 11, 2013 14:16:13 GMT -5 Dat Dude said:

I picked "A" but the "decide what to do from there?" part, what decision? The relationship is over. There are a few things in relationships you can't take back, cheating is one of them. You can never trust the person, you'll never forget about it, and you can try to forgive but ultimately it will lead to being passive aggressive with them.

While I agree with Option A, I flat-out disagree with your analysis, while understanding that it's a subjective thing.

If somebody comes out and honestly admits a failure like that to you, it's certainly tough to swallow, but it does show you something. If a woman cheated on me, had the sand to tell me about it, and told me she was remorseful about it, I'd feel a modicum of respect for that level of honesty. I'd be horrified, don't get me wrong; a betrayal of trust is a betrayal of trust, no matter how you slice it. But why would she inform me about it if she didn't care about me, trust me, and not want to have a secret that heavy existing between us? To me, that's an invitation to serious reflection, discussion, and hopefully (there's certainly no guarantee it'll happen) reconciliation.

It sucks, but people are fallible, at times weak. Poor decisions are made, regretful actions taken, and very often those actions and decisions adversely effect the people we most care about, from family, to friends, to significant others.

It can depend on a case-by-case basis, I'll grant you. If I'm in a relationship where both sides have put time, energy, dedication, and love in, I wouldn't want to throw it away due to an indiscretion. It doesn't mean I could salvage the relationship; perhaps the damage involved was too great. But it'd take more than one regretful decision to make me instantly end things. In a less serious situation? Yeah, I could walk away more easily, since I'm not as invested.

Now this should be distinguished from a pattern of trust betrayal or abusive behavior. If the person doing the cheating has also been acting emotionally distant or unavailable, hurtful, or negligent, then the physical act of cheating could simply be seen as the straw breaking the camel's back. My example before this was more of a healthy relationship where one party simply makes a poor choice or has a moment of weakness in an otherwise strong, caring situation.

Also, to offer a grain of salt, I'm offering very dry, sober analysis here. When caught in the moment of hearing somebody has cheated on you, reactions can wildly vary given varying emotional states, obviously.

I understand people make mistakes and that they can be remorseful about it. But the harsh reality of life that no matter how sorry you are and how much you regret it, it doesn't make you exempt from the consequences.

I'll give you an example: recently, I severed all contact from a close friend of mine of the past 2 years when I found out (and had indisputable evidence) that he called me a behind my back. I immediately informed him I found out about this and that we were done. He hounded me via phone, text, email offering every excuse and apology known to man, trying to convince me that he wasn't a horrible person. It didn't make a dent at all.

Even if it was an honest mistake, he still has to accept that because of that mistake we can no longer be friends. Mistakes that big, make you question every motive and experience you've had with them. Mistakes that big are impossible to forget, impossible to take back, and will have you distrust and/or resent them even when attempting to move forward if you're truly honest with yourself.

Even if in every other aspect of your existence that your a good person, mistakes that big will forever paint you as the villain to the victim. All you can do as a person accept that reality, learn from that mistake, and make sure in the future that you don't repeat it with others.

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

yeah I mean, I've never had a relationship to speak of, but I don't think I could ever forgive someone if they cheated on me. I mean, the so-called "emotional affair" thing I could get past, as long as it was over, the other person was out of the picture and she still cared about me, but if anything physical happened it'd be over. I wouldn't be able to get the idea of them with someone else out of my head and I doubt I could ever look at them the same way. they'd always be someone who hurt me. hell, I've had friends who cheated on their girlfriends and ever since then it's colored my image of them. we're still friends and all that, but they'll always be "good friend but he's a douche who cheats on his girlfriend" in my eyes.

[AdamAFL was sooooo wrong]

"A" definitely. I've both cheated on somebody and been cheated upon and I honestly think it's always better to tell the truth. Obviously it's better to not cheat at all but we're human and mistakes happen, the only thing we can do is realise our mistake and come clean. It's a cliche but honesty usually is the best policy.

[HMARK Center]

Jan 11, 2013 16:45:30 GMT -5 Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!! said:

yeah I mean, I've never had a relationship to speak of, but I don't think I could ever forgive someone if they cheated on me. I mean, the so-called "emotional affair" thing I could get past, as long as it was over, the other person was out of the picture and she still cared about me, but if anything physical happened it'd be over. I wouldn't be able to get the idea of them with someone else out of my head and I doubt I could ever look at them the same way. they'd always be someone who hurt me. hell, I've had friends who cheated on their girlfriends and ever since then it's colored my image of them. we're still friends and all that, but they'll always be "good friend but he's a douche who cheats on his girlfriend" in my eyes.

I'm certainly not saying you're not entitled to feel that way, but I admit that's the part I don't understand as much: to me, an emotional affair would hurt ten times worse than physical cheating (depending on circumstances, of course, like if the physical cheating was prolonged/part of a pattern of bad behavior, or a single mistake).

The emotional cheating would tell me that the woman doesn't look at me as a friend, that she feels I can't provide emotional support for her, that I can't listen, or that I'm not the first person she wants to be around or share something with. If she cheats on me physically, I feel a greater potential to work through it; again, if it's a one-off thing, a poor decision, and she talks to me maturely about it I can envision working on moving past it, albeit with difficulty.

Basically, it's about who she cares about the most; my points before is that we all hurt those we love sometimes, but hurt can be rectified and forgiven. If somebody's emotionally cheating, that really means that love likely wasn't there in the first place, which is a whole lot worse, in my book.

[Piccolo]

I'd rather they be honest. Immediately and fully honest, as in, before we sleep together again and they expose me to potential infections. If he's remorseful, if it was a one-off based on physical attraction alone, and if he gets tested and he's still clean, we might be able to make it work. With an emotional affair, I think the chances of making it work are a lot lower. Sleeping with someone else is a short, easily-forgotten thing. A blip on the radar. Falling in love with someone else is much, much more threatening to a long-term relationship, and I think if he's emotionally cheated, it's probably time to call it a day unless there are extenuating circumstances (like I've been super preoccupied with other things and have been neglecting him, and he would prefer to be with me but needed to talk to someone else, that sort of thing... ie, if I had culpability in it). If not, we'd be done.

[Mozenrath]

A lie is a gilded cage. Truth, truth, truth all the way.

If the relationship can be saved, it can only be done with ALL of the cards on the table.

[SenorCrest]

I rather live with truth and pain than ignorance and bliss.

[King Ghidorah]

Neither option. I don't want to hear s***, and I'm dumping you. Why would I want to hear why some chick cheated on me, they'll just tell more lies. Don't give a damn about other dude.

[Deleted]

WARNING: I am gonna ramble. I have a lot to say about this.

This is without a doubt a case-by-case basis. And, furthermore, it's one of those things where you don't know how you'll react until you are in the situation.

I used to be a lot more rigid about certain things, until I actually experienced different situations. The vast majority of life is not nearly as black and white as we like to believe it is. All cheating is not the same and all situations are not the same.

I generally feel that physical cheating is less hurtful than emotional cheating. Honesty is the best policy (I am a "need to know" everything kind of person.) Not telling me something feels the same as the cheating. It's insulting. You think I can't handle it? You are afraid of how I will react? You feel ashamed? Etc. You cheated, you need to come clean with it. Hiding a secret from me just makes everything worse, and the longer you hold it, the worse it gets. By the time it comes out, you'll have had more time in between in. All I'd be sitting there doing is remembering everything that happened between when you cheated and when you told me. (You f***er, you let me buy you that expensive xmas present knowing you cheated on me?!)

An "oops" (drunk, otherwise impaired, in a situation where you are insanely turned on, etc) cheat is different than a "mmmm, wellllll, I probably shouldn't, but ok.." kind of cheat.

An oops one is going to happen, and there isn't much to do in the way of stopping it. It's in the moment.

One you realized was wrong at the time and did it anyway? Harder to forgive. And, if you're going to do that, you need to think about whether you really want to be in the relationship you're in or not. If you don't have enough respect to be faithful, maybe you should just break-up before you cheat, then you can be with whoever you want. If you DO want to be with the person, but you need something more than he/she can give you, TRUST YOUR PARTNER ENOUGH to talk to them about this. Try to fix it first. If it can't be fixed by your partner, ask to open the relationship up.

Trust me, a f*** with rules but NO guilt, is still a damn good f***. Feeling like a guilty asshole for taking care of a need you have, shouldn't have to be an option.

(One other situation I still haven't fully decided how I feel about is "my wife/husband doesn't put out EVER (injured, sick, older, etc), I love her/him, we've been together X long and there's NO way I want to leave them, BUT I still have sexual needs and they would without a doubt lose their shit if I asked to have sex with somebody else." Should they be able to discreetly cheat provided that they are as careful as possible?)

[Mr Captain Falcon]

I'd just ditch the bitch.

["Gentleman" AJ Powell]

Yeah, I'm gonna go with option "Cheat on me, I never want to see, hear or know anything about you ever again." Seriously, "Where it goes from here" is out the door.

[agent817]

There is nothing right about cheating at all. I have never really been in a relationship (The closest was dating someone for about a month and a half but it was nothing serious).

If things aren't working out, it's best to call off the relationship rather than go and do something with another man or woman.

[Hit Girl]

Hear the truth, and immediately dump her.

Bonus topic:

What do you consider to be cheating?

Any intimate physical contact. Even a kiss.