A question about coping with death

[Kyn]

Sorry it's a scroller, but I'm hoping you guys can give me some insight on this.

I'm in my mid thirties and have never lost a family member. (A combination of a small family and good genetics, I guess). My grandparents are nearing their nineties and they're the family members I'm closest too. They're both in good health, but the day's getting closer when one of them will pass on, and I'm worried about how I'll cope because I have absolutely no frame of reference for how to deal with it. I've managed to hit almost middle age and the nearest I've come to familial death is pet cats dying, and something tells me that's not sufficient preparation.

For some reason it's been on my mind a lot lately, to the point I've developed an insane phobia about seeing my grandparents because I'm scared one of them will die in front of me (which is a whole other issue & probably one better addressed by a therapist than a wrestling board). But basically I've been wondering if I'm lucky to have reached this age without experiencing a death in the family, or if it's better to have lost a family member younger in life?

I know this sounds super cold, and kind of like I'm wishing I had a dead family member just so I wouldn't be so worried about my grandparents. Which is really not what I mean. I just wonder if losing a family member while you're younger and more flexible mentally makes you more resilient and better able to cope with later deaths; every so often you read about an older person who loses a parent they're close to and they end up committing suicide because they can't cope (Alexander McQueen springs to mind). But then again, I'm sure there are people who have lost a parent while super young, and it's scarred them for life.

I don't really know where I'm going with this tbh, I think I'm just hoping I can get some insight from others about their experiences, if they don't mind sharing. It's not really something I can discuss with the people I know in the outernet.

[Deleted]

you talk about cold but understand no one is ever prepared for it... When i was in the ARMY i basically said i was a bug on a windshield and my emotions had to be bottled...My friend death is inevitable and slowly preparing is the only key

[Cranjis McBasketball]

Just kind of go through it, man. My mom passed away end of January, you just go through it.

[Spider2024]

I'm in the same boat as you actually, Kyn. Very fortunate that my 2 parents and 3 siblings (a.k.a. the 5 most important people throughout my entire life) are all still alive. But they are all getting older, and feeling it, especially my parents, in their 70s both, and I can sense they're worse for wear, mostly just by natural aging. I've literally been with them all for 35 years, so I couldn't imagine losing any of them. But I'll have to eventually (unless I go first or a comet wipes us all out).

[Display Name]

Dec 1, 2018 12:02:30 GMT -5 Cranjis McBasketball said:

Just kind of go through it, man. My mom passed away end of January, you just go through it.

Yep. My dad passed last year. You’ll go through so many different emotions, but you gotta keep on truckin’. Allow yourself to feel.

[Chainsaw]

It's not easy, let me tell you. That it's on your mind is a good thing. My mother died last month, and it's been hard to deal with. What's getting me through it is the belief that we could have lost her last year when she fell into a coma, and we weren't sure she was going to come out of it. So, I look back and see that the year and a half I got to have with her, for her recovery, for Christmas, for all the little moments I got to talk to her and visit with her, even going out to Cleveland to see her when she had to go back to the hospital and I got to introduce her finally to my girlfriend...I look at it like it was extra time. My best advice is, don't harden your heart to the idea of your grandparents being gone. Be emotional. Mourn when they're gone. But while they're here, enjoy the time with them. Talk to them. Ask them about anything, from your family history to how they're doing. Note their voices, their faces. Take video of them with your phone, and cherish the time. Because you'll kick yourself when they're gone, and you'll think of all the times you didn't say hi, or tell them you love them. You'll wish you had more time with them, more than anything. So, fill them with love and appreciation, and be filled with their love in return.

[lucas_lee]

I lost a shit ton of family man. I lost my best friend when I was 5, then it kept on rolling with my grandparents, my aunt, and finally my dad. Each loss just takes a part of you, that cannot come back. I pretty much am numb to death for the most part. It's tough to cope with loss at first but time heals everything. Just remember all the good and bad memories and that person will truly never die

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

As a man who lost his father at 12, no amount of preparation or experience will help. You basically have to take it as it comes and roll with the punches. I know this doesn't sound encouraging but it really is the only way.

[Big BosskMan]

In about seven weeks, it'll have been 10 years since cancer took my Mom. You are quite fortunate to be in your mid-thirties and not lost a family member.

Obviously you care for your grandparents a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be so focused on them and their potential end days. I would suggest turning this phobia around and not stress so much about one of then passing in front of you and instead take the opportunity NOW to learn more about them, their lives, and your family. Eventually they will go on, and when that happens, you don't want to be kicking yourself saying "I wish I had told them X, I wish I had asked about Y." I would guess they would be delighted to share stories about their lives, what they lived through and experienced, what life lessons they have learned.

Take a minute and think about the history they have witnessed. If possible, maybe record those conversations so you, at minimum, would have a keepsake.

One of my biggest regrets is not digging through a box of old family photos while my Mom was still alive (some of these pics are early 1900s) and getting the people in those pics identified and labeled. As they sit now, the photos are just that - photos of people I never knew and likely will never know their stories.

Adjacent to this conversation is this bit of grim reality no child wants to think about - you and anyone else reading this thread.

You don't say if you have any siblings or anything, but you might also want to have a conversation with your folks about their plans for when they get older, where important documents are, etc. In my circumstance, it was just me and my Dad (cancer had rendered my Mom bedridden and non-communicative as as the household recordkeeper, she knew where she kept things). When she died, it was the worst scavenger hunt to find important pieces of information.

Just thoughts from a stranger on the internet.

[Gremlin]

You just have to realize that time waits for no one and enjoy every bit of time that you have left with every one that you care about, both young and old.

[The Thread Barbi]

It hurts. A lot. Some days, especially early on, I just wanted to close my eyes and get magically transported back in time just to spend a single day with them.

With the passage of time that feeling has diminished. Some of my loved ones have been dead longer than the time I spent with them when they were alive.

I have sort of accepted that life is a long train journey, and we hop onto the carriage for a short time, interact with people who are at various points in the journey, and then they get off while your stop is yet to come.

Best you can hope for is that you treated people you interacted with on that journey with love and respect.

[Joe Neglia]

It's coming, it's going to happen and any attempt to shunt it off to the side is going to leave irreparable harm on yourself. If you avoid them, you're going to have it eating at you for the rest of your life once they're gone.

As many here are aware, I lost my mother back in March. I was her caretaker, as she was elderly and not able to live alone, so I'd brought her up here in 2012 to live with me. We were very up front with each other about the inevitable and did our best to prep for it. When it did happen - a sudden stroke, followed by almost three weeks of her fading a little more every moment until she was gone - there was no prepping for it. I did not react the way I had thought I would, or planned to. Instead of grieving, I set it aside because I knew I had to keep going and internalized it, only adding to a litany of issues I deal with daily. Instead of getting back on my feet, not grieving, not having anyone there to grieve with, holding it in...all of that caused me to shut down, almost completely. It's something I'm still dealing with in a lot of ways, but that's mostly due to my own mental health issues. Either way, it was not good for me, was not healthy for me and I lost 3/4's of a year of my life (and counting). This place became the only socializing I did/do anymore, online or off.

BUT

But even with all that, even as I question if I did enough for her over the years (I didn't), and question if I gave it my all (Not sure about that one, either), her actual passing is something I feel contentment with. She knew I was there until the very end, until she wasn't there anymore...watched her draw her last breath. Whether I was SuperSon for her or not, I can live with myself knowing I was there and tried. She didn't leave alone. Everything else, I'll have to deal with, but that part...that part I can go forward with knowing I got that part right, at least.

[ayumidah]

My grandparents on my father's side died when I was 5 (Grandpa) and 7 (Grandma), one of my uncles on my dad's side died a few months after my grandmother, my great grandmother (on my mother's side) died when I was 13, my grandfather died when I was 20, a second cousin I was close to died a few months later, my father died when I was 21. I've endured deaths of pets, of favorite actors, musicians, wrestlers. I guess I can't really remember a time when I wasn't aware of death in some way.

There's no real way for sure how you're going to get through it, you just kind of have to, the best that you can. It's never easy. The first funeral I went to was when I was 13, and I've always been very private with my grief to the point that people have called me cold and unfeeling, but I just can't let go in front of other people very well. Everyone grieves differently so when the time may come, don't judge yourself if you grieve differently from what's expected.

[Shy Guy]

You don't get over it, you just get used to it.

[Kyn]

Thank you all for your replies, it's given me a lot to digest and think about. I'm lucky to be really close to my grandparents; I think I need to work harder at worrying less about what will happen in the future and instead focus on the relationship I have with them now.

Strangely, in an utterly bizarre feat of timing, a few hours after I posted this I got a call that my cousin has been involuntarily committed to a psych ward. He was planning to kill himself, which none of the family had any idea about. Thankfully one of his friends saw a red flag and now my cousin is somewhere he can hopefully get the help he needs, but it just goes to show how out of the blue things can hit you. I suppose no matter how much you try to prepare, you never really can be prepared.

[Long A, Short A]

Dec 2, 2018 11:24:41 GMT -5 Shy Guy said:

You don't get over it, you just get used to it.

Exactly.

I've lost both of my grandmas, my drunkle, my father, my uncle, and a cousin that's a year younger than me over the past 20 years. Some losses affected me more than others, but I took the time to get use to it.

[Cranjis McBasketball]

I think just carrying on like normal helps. Maybe it's not natural, I dunno. We went out for my mom's birthday this year, just like we would have had she been alive. My grandparents are still alive, in their 90's, so you gotta think of them too. One year my mom found that Pet Smart was selling plush animals for like $5 and part of that money went to the women's shelter. So she bought one. Then the dogs got jealous, so I bought them each one. So began the tradition of me buying one for mom, one for her dog, one for mine for mom's place, one for my dog for my place and one to be donated to the women's shelter. Now, my mom's dog has died, mom has died, but I still bought mom hers and my dog hers and one to the women's shelter. The one for mom will go with the rest, on the spare bed at her place.

I dunno, carrying on like normal helps. But real, real soon, my grandparents are gonna pass, all 4 ae still alive and their health is wicked awesome for closing in on 100, but still, closing in on 100. Though my dad's dad announced about a month ago he's planning on living to 900 like people in the Bible.

I guess we don't really believe people being missing from the table is any reason to change the activity.