I Need Some Advice

[Porky's Butthole]

I don't normally start threads here, but this has been at terrible time and I'm looking for some advice.

See, on December 2nd, my dad passed away. On December 10th, my mom passed away.

So in addition to all the family drama over the STUPIDEST SHIT OF ALL TIME ("I want dad's DVDs, I want moms windchimes!") I have 2 funerals to plan. And work. And my immediate family (wife and kid).

What the hell am I supposed to do? I haven't even really had time to mourn either of them; been so busy. I've been having nightmares. I've barely eaten. I'm basically a f***ing zombie at this point.

So, I'm reaching out to my extended internet family.

Any advice?

[Spider2024]

Very sorry about your parents, first and foremost.

I know this might sound horrible, but you need to pass the funeral planning to someone else. Anyone else who could do so.

YOU need to put your own health, your own kin & your livelihood (aka the paycheck) at top priority when it all boils down to what's most important.

[Fade]

A few months ago a poster derailed his experience and gave great advice/information. Apologies I didn’t get his name but here’s the post. Maybe it can help you. And also my condolences. Reach for help if you have to.

Earlier this year my Dad passed, and as I get ready to officially close his estate within the next month, I thought I would share some lessons learned with the community here should they help someone else in a similar situation.

Note: As an only child, my situation was made a bit easier given there were no sibling dynamics to consider. Also, this is based off my experience in the state where I live.

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* Difficult as it may be, have a discussion with your parent(s) on where important documents are kept such as Last Will & Testament, Power of Attorney, Advanced Medical Directives, life insurance policies. If these documents don't exist, please get them done. If you have kids of your own and don't have a will yet, get it done.
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* Discuss financial resources and, where possible, get added to bank accounts (prior to parent passing) as a joint holder (as well as joint title to any vehicles) so that you have access to financial resources to help pay funeral expenses, bills, and manage the estate. My Dad and I did this after my Mom's death 12 years ago and it made it so much easier when he passed.
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* Those insurance commercials don't like. A regular funeral does cost around $10K.
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* Expect to spend time on the phone calling places like Social Security, the Register of Wills Office, retirement benefits offices, attorneys (if needed).
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* If you have to make home improvements to sell your parent(s) house, document everything and keep every receipt. You will need this for estate purposes with the state.
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* My Dad was a widower, lived alone. First thing I did after he passed was what I called the "two Fs." I secured the finances (checkbook, other documents) and the firearms. Thankfully he had good neighbors who kept an eye on the place as well.
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* Be sure to get at least half dozen copies of the original death certificate. You'll need these to accompany forms for survivor benefits from life insurance policies, bank accounting, etc.
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* If you're an only child, reach out to your Register of Wills office as soon as possible to notify them of your parent(s) passing. They will provide guidance on the paperwork you need to provide in order to be officially recognized as executor of the estate. If you have siblings, the will should designate the executor. If not, figure out who the executor will be and have them submit the paperwork.
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* Most importantly, this is a long process so give yourself time to grieve and rest. Not everything needs to be done right now but there are some time-sensitive things in terms of reporting the death to the appropriate agencies. Thankfully the funeral home had a list of places to call so I just worked off that.
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* Family and friends are important. I was faced with not only emptying my Dad's house but also renovating it for sale. People often say "please let me know what I can do to help." If you've got manual labor to do like moving stuff and cleaning out, running donations to Goodwill, etc., call in those favors and intentions. It does make a difference.

[J. Hova]

My sincerest condolences. That's beyond tough. Like has been said, you need someone else to take some the load. They want stuff from the estates, fine, let them do a little work for it. It might also be very advantageous to have someone outside of the family like a close friend who can be objective when it comes to funeral planning. I'm not saying this is the case everywhere, but there are some really shady funeral directors out there that can be very car salesmany and suddenly you are spending 3x what you were planning on.

I'm nearly positive in that thread that Fade posted I gave the bit of advice that is just as true today as it was back then, do not do what I did when my father passed ten years ago. Don't drink your feelings away. There is absolutely zero shame in talking about how you feel or going to a support group if you feel you need that.

[YAKMAN is ICHIBAN]

I'm sorry for your losses, I can't imagine dealing with all that at the same time.

The only thing helpful I have to add is rather small, but those roll-ups from Costco are like the perfect funeral luncheon fare.

[edgestar]

I'm sorry for your loss, firstly.

The physical items may be something that was purchased by a sibling, and they want the sentiment of having it back, but I also don't know the details.

If there hasn't been one assigned, get a power of attorney sorted out. That's not the easiest conversation, but it has to happen. Especially for your health.

Your wife and child need you. They want you to be at as best as you can, right now.

We're here for you to vent. I'm not a lawyer, and anyone can correct me if I was wrong in any legal matters.

Please be well.

[Toilet Paper Roll]

As far as sorting out affairs determine first if you need a lawyer. Do you have siblings, do your parents have assets, debts, all that.. if you have the means give it to a lawyer and save your sanity.

Get through the services and then focus on other tasks at hand. Or. Step at a time

[Porky's Butthole]

Thanks to everybody who has responded. I have passed along some of the duties to others and am starting to feel a little better. So, again...thanks.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry for all the heartache and stress.

Positive vibes your way, Mr. Davis.