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Post by Feyrhausen on Feb 23, 2022 17:01:35 GMT -5
I know all about depression. I think about suicide daily. You really just have to.say its not worth it. 12 years is a lot of time to have invested in a relationship but if she is not at all interested in how you feel then is it worth it? Obviously you care more about her feelings than she does yours. And dont listen to them at all about you caring more about your things than her family. They are not just things. As you say they calm you, make you feel better. Its your sanctuary and its for your mental health. And they wont be just taking your room. Thats 4 soon to be 5 people. They will be all over the house. How will you even work with 2 freeloaders and their kids running around? At least if you have your man cave you could make it a work office as well. You are the only one working you need a good space for it. This honestly might be a situation where you need to reevaluate the entire situation. I've always put on a good face about it but she literally always takes it back to "family" and "kids" then tells me that I'm not normal because my family isn't about anything for family. If I told my dad me and my wife and kids needed to move in cause our current house isn't big enough and it's sucks because I'm bad with money and don't use birth control, I'd get told to f*** off. I'm literally made to feel like an asshole for not liking small children. Here is another thing. You say they want to move in because they hate their place and want a better one. But they are not working right? So how are they saving for a place? Sounds like they just want to live off you. If you agree to it demand at least the boyfriend have a job before moving in. And they need to give you a plan on how they will save, where they want to move to and how long it will take. But it all sounds to me like none of this will matter to your GF. So its back to no one caring about your feelings, except us I guess. If strangers on the internet care more about how you feel about things then thats a problem.
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Mecca
Wade Wilson
Posts: 25,082
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Post by Mecca on Feb 23, 2022 17:03:22 GMT -5
I've always put on a good face about it but she literally always takes it back to "family" and "kids" then tells me that I'm not normal because my family isn't about anything for family. If I told my dad me and my wife and kids needed to move in cause our current house isn't big enough and it's sucks because I'm bad with money and don't use birth control, I'd get told to f*** off. I'm literally made to feel like an asshole for not liking small children. Here is another thing. You say they want to move in because they hate their place and want a better one. But they are not working right? So how are they saving for a place? Sounds like they just want to live off you. If you agree to it demand at least the boyfriend have a job before moving in. And they need to give you a plan on how they will save, where they want to move to and how long it will take. But it all sounds to me like none of this will matter to your GF. So its back to no one caring about your feelings, except us I guess. If strangers on the internet care more about how you feel about things then thats a problem. The husband works but he's the type that he's constantly changing jobs, he blows money on stupid shit, he's a heavy weed user...for income tax return last year with all the stimulus etc...they got something like 18k back...didn't move, have nothing to show for it.
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Post by dirtyoldman on Feb 23, 2022 17:32:27 GMT -5
You could put a rule down, no drugs in the house or he's out. Really if there's small kids and another one on the way then that should be stomped out Especially if they're trying to save up money. Are you also expected to pay for their food and other shit they need?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2022 18:01:52 GMT -5
Just reading this post is making me feel stressed out.
You either need to put your foot down or move on, but in the end She will always pick her child and grandkids over you. If family is so important to her, let her keep trying the same thing, while expecting different results. It just sounds like a family that's enabling each other.
I know its hard to throw everything a way, but your 41 and with grown children. Youre still young and it's time to take care of you. You will find a situation that's probably less stressful even if its living by yourself or your parents for a short time.
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Post by Hit Girl on Feb 23, 2022 18:02:38 GMT -5
You are right. They are wrong. Take a stand and say no.
Do not give up your mancave, and don't even think about hitting that ibuprofen bottle.
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Post by S-Chrome on Feb 23, 2022 18:09:59 GMT -5
Nah, man. This is bullshit.
It's not your job or duty to bring children (Toddlers or of the adult variety which your stepdaughter sounds like) into your household. And your lady sounds like an emotionally manipulative so-and-so for suggesting that you're being selfish for having misgivings about it. This adult made an adult decision by bringing children into the world and needs to live with the decisions that she made by birthing them and raising them in the environment that she's raising them in.
While I'm not burdened with the scenario you're facing, I'd feel like the walls were closing in on me too. I'd honestly tell the entire clan to f*** off, as harsh as that sounds.
The Mahomes fathead and the Christian Okoye jersey need to stay where they are, god-damnit.
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Blade
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,943
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Post by Blade on Feb 23, 2022 20:48:32 GMT -5
I'm going to be a bit less sympathetic. Not because I'm not sympathetic - I in fact have had real life experience that is in some ways similar - but because, to be honest: I don't know you, I don't know the whole situation, and I've only heard your side of it.
The fact is that if your gf posted here instead of you, there might be a thread of commiseration about the asshole guy who cares more about his room full of toys than helping out his own family.
That doesn't mean I think you are the asshole; it means I don't know, so I'm not going to rush to judge a situation I don't know.
But here's what I do know:
- If you feel suicidal about this, it is serious and should absolutely be taken seriously. If it is possible for you, you need to talk to a qualified professional, not randos on the internet. If it isn't possible for you, then you should at least find and keep handy the numbers and websites of suicide/mental health hotlines. Do this, seriously. There may come a time when you NEED to talk to someone, right now, and you'll be much better off if you have these resources on hand.
- It is my observation that regardless of the truth of the situation, you are very negative about your daughter (or step-daughter?), and her boyfriends (maybe not in general, but in terms of this situation). And that is very clearly colouring your perception of the situation. That isn't helping you, and it probably also isn't helping it when you talk with your gf, as your negative feelings are going to come through overtly or otherwise, and of course that's going to cause a negative reaction in turn. The fact is, it doesn't matter whether or not all that is really true or fair; it's not the part you should be focusing on.
Your problem is not how many kids your daughter has or whether her boyfriends smoke weed or have a job. Your problem is that this situation is stressing you out and depressing you until the point of self-harm, and that's the part you should focus on. Focusing on how other people aren't doing this or that or not behaving the way you'd like them to will not help you, and helping you should be your top priority inasmuch as your situation allows. The same goes for focusing on how hard you're working and resenting that your gf watches tv all night - the problem is the job you hate, not what your gf does. Dwelling on that will make you bitter and resentful, and in the very likely event that your gf does not agree that you work very hard and she slacks off in comparison, will cause bad feelings between you.
(A good therapist will help you a lot with this kind of recursive and negative thinking pattern. It's very natural and you shouldn't feel at fault that you think that way, or even if you can't stop thinking that way on your own. But if you recognise that these are negative and harmful thinking patterns that won't help you and in fact may very well make things worse, it's a good step.)
- Venting on the internet is all well and good and may be a necessary outlet, but ultimately, you do need to work this out with your gf one way or another. And here, again, I do not know you, your relationship, or what you've said, nor am I a qualified couples counsellor. But nothing's going to get better if you can't get on the same page.
First off, you need to look at this from her point of view. And here I'll be very honest with you: if you seriously said you don't understand why it's your job to take care of your and her child, you should understand that it's very extremely f***ing likely she DOES think taking care of that child is her job and responsibility. If you want her to care about the things that deeply emotionally affect you, that's a two-way street, man. You need to start any conversation by genuinely caring about and respecting her point of view on the situation. And if you have said some of the things to her you've said here, then to be honest, you should apologise for it. Very few people are going to calmly and reasonably listen to the problems of someone who insults their child and says they should fend for themselves.
Second, she needs to do the same thing. Like I said at the beginning, this is serious shit and should be taken seriously. A disruption like this to your home is no small thing. The stress and burden of trying to add such a large family on to your own is no small thing. The worry that you're the only one pulling in a steady income is a valid concern. The need for a space of your own is a valid need. And above all else, if this is driving you to the point of feeling suicidal, someone who cares about you should be very worried about and want to help you.
And then the two of you, if you're going to make this work, need to hammer out compromises that respect each other's needs. I can't tell you what they are because they're going to depend on your situation and personalities. Maybe it'd be possible to make a new study room for you in the garage where you can put your stuff and relax; maybe there's too much stuff or it's too small. Maybe your daughter can stay with someone else during the weekends, or maybe that wouldn't work for you or her. You guys have to work this out, because it's you guys that have to live your lives.
Finally, no matter what else you do, or if you dismiss everything else I said, please follow my advice and have suicide/mental health resources in your wallet or whatever else so you can use them right away if you need to. And if you can manage it, see a professional. Helping you cope with this sort of thing is a trained skill, and a good one can help you more than you might imagine. Your life matters, even at times when that's hard to believe.
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Post by Feyrhausen on Feb 23, 2022 20:56:41 GMT -5
One thing I think is important here is according to the original post the daughter is not in trouble. They are not about to be homeless or anything. They just dont like where they live and want to stay rent free while they save up some money. Money would have if they regularly worked and saved.
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Blade
Don Corleone
Posts: 1,943
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Post by Blade on Feb 23, 2022 21:09:55 GMT -5
Of course, but the whys and wherefores of that, and why now, and whether willingness to work and save is really the issue here falls under "I only know one side of the story so I'm reserving judgement on that, but the important thing here is that you take care of yourself and, if possible, come to a better accommodation with your gf about the situation".
And I do think many parents are going to react pretty badly to "I dont see why it's my job to help our daughter with this", regardless of whether said daughter objectively NEEDS said help (which is in any case something I'm not qualified to judge).
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Mr Captain Falcon
Dennis Stamp
So I could write anything in here and it'll be posted?
Posts: 4,689
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Post by Mr Captain Falcon on Feb 23, 2022 21:25:10 GMT -5
I'm gonna go somewhere that I thought was behind me. I'm 35, married with 2 little girls. 3 years ago my parents lost their home. My older brother offered no support so I told them to move in with me TEMPORARILY. TEMPORARILY became permanent in their eyes. From the start mom felt that she shouldn't pay us anything. I charged them for the extra electricity, propane heat, cell phones, and cable which is just the difference from what I had been paying to what it became. After a while mom started judging how my wife raised our kids despite not parenting her two youngest kids and instead just leaving the parenting to me, my older brother, and nature. Mom would judge how we did things on our own property, in our own home. I've worked many long days, nights, weekends, holidays just to put food on the table, presents under the tree, and a roof over my kids heads. I'll be damned if someone who failed as a parent and homeowner is going to tell me how to raise my kids and what to do with my own house. An incident happened with one of my younger brothers and my parents forced me to allow him to come live with us which I completely refused. Dad told me tough suit. My brother had bad habits and I didn't want my children around him for their safety as well as it would jeopardize my job as a corrections officer. I told my parents it was time they left after 2 years. After countless fights with my parents, arguments with my wife, physical violence against me and a denied PFA I can say that my parents no longer live with me. They also no longer are a part of my life. I did what I had to do to preserve my marriage, protect my children, and teach them a lesson that they don't control the world.
Bottom line is you need to do what's best for YOU and your wife and your mental health. Talk over your feelings with your wife about the situation. Be honest and be careful how you word things. Good luck and I hope you maintain peace and sanity.
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Post by Rolent Tex on Feb 24, 2022 1:24:08 GMT -5
I'm going to be a bit less sympathetic. Not because I'm not sympathetic - I in fact have had real life experience that is in some ways similar - but because, to be honest: I don't know you, I don't know the whole situation, and I've only heard your side of it. The fact is that if your gf posted here instead of you, there might be a thread of commiseration about the asshole guy who cares more about his room full of toys than helping out his own family. That doesn't mean I think you are the asshole; it means I don't know, so I'm not going to rush to judge a situation I don't know. But here's what I do know: - If you feel suicidal about this, it is serious and should absolutely be taken seriously. If it is possible for you, you need to talk to a qualified professional, not randos on the internet. If it isn't possible for you, then you should at least find and keep handy the numbers and websites of suicide/mental health hotlines. Do this, seriously. There may come a time when you NEED to talk to someone, right now, and you'll be much better off if you have these resources on hand. - It is my observation that regardless of the truth of the situation, you are very negative about your daughter (or step-daughter?), and her boyfriends (maybe not in general, but in terms of this situation). And that is very clearly colouring your perception of the situation. That isn't helping you, and it probably also isn't helping it when you talk with your gf, as your negative feelings are going to come through overtly or otherwise, and of course that's going to cause a negative reaction in turn. The fact is, it doesn't matter whether or not all that is really true or fair; it's not the part you should be focusing on. Your problem is not how many kids your daughter has or whether her boyfriends smoke weed or have a job. Your problem is that this situation is stressing you out and depressing you until the point of self-harm, and that's the part you should focus on. Focusing on how other people aren't doing this or that or not behaving the way you'd like them to will not help you, and helping you should be your top priority inasmuch as your situation allows. The same goes for focusing on how hard you're working and resenting that your gf watches tv all night - the problem is the job you hate, not what your gf does. Dwelling on that will make you bitter and resentful, and in the very likely event that your gf does not agree that you work very hard and she slacks off in comparison, will cause bad feelings between you. (A good therapist will help you a lot with this kind of recursive and negative thinking pattern. It's very natural and you shouldn't feel at fault that you think that way, or even if you can't stop thinking that way on your own. But if you recognise that these are negative and harmful thinking patterns that won't help you and in fact may very well make things worse, it's a good step.) - Venting on the internet is all well and good and may be a necessary outlet, but ultimately, you do need to work this out with your gf one way or another. And here, again, I do not know you, your relationship, or what you've said, nor am I a qualified couples counsellor. But nothing's going to get better if you can't get on the same page. First off, you need to look at this from her point of view. And here I'll be very honest with you: if you seriously said you don't understand why it's your job to take care of your and her child, you should understand that it's very extremely f***ing likely she DOES think taking care of that child is her job and responsibility. If you want her to care about the things that deeply emotionally affect you, that's a two-way street, man. You need to start any conversation by genuinely caring about and respecting her point of view on the situation. And if you have said some of the things to her you've said here, then to be honest, you should apologise for it. Very few people are going to calmly and reasonably listen to the problems of someone who insults their child and says they should fend for themselves. Second, she needs to do the same thing. Like I said at the beginning, this is serious shit and should be taken seriously. A disruption like this to your home is no small thing. The stress and burden of trying to add such a large family on to your own is no small thing. The worry that you're the only one pulling in a steady income is a valid concern. The need for a space of your own is a valid need. And above all else, if this is driving you to the point of feeling suicidal, someone who cares about you should be very worried about and want to help you. And then the two of you, if you're going to make this work, need to hammer out compromises that respect each other's needs. I can't tell you what they are because they're going to depend on your situation and personalities. Maybe it'd be possible to make a new study room for you in the garage where you can put your stuff and relax; maybe there's too much stuff or it's too small. Maybe your daughter can stay with someone else during the weekends, or maybe that wouldn't work for you or her. You guys have to work this out, because it's you guys that have to live your lives. Finally, no matter what else you do, or if you dismiss everything else I said, please follow my advice and have suicide/mental health resources in your wallet or whatever else so you can use them right away if you need to. And if you can manage it, see a professional. Helping you cope with this sort of thing is a trained skill, and a good one can help you more than you might imagine. Your life matters, even at times when that's hard to believe. I think you summed up my thoughts in detail better then I had time to type up today. Forget the thoughts of us here and get into see a professional about your thoughts. If your two solutions to the situation are taking off on your girlfriend and moving home or freaking committing suicide…you have bigger fish to fry than her stoner man or the kids. Your relationship has way more issues than us wrestling board denizens are licensed to deal with. Professional. Now. Go. If you feel suicidal then call a hotline. I’m pretty sure the number is still thumbtacked to the top of this section. That’s more important than some of us agreeing or disagreeing with your positions on the entire situation. Hell relationship counseling may even be in order if you both wish to stay together at this rate.
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Mecca
Wade Wilson
Posts: 25,082
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Post by Mecca on Feb 24, 2022 8:03:35 GMT -5
I'm going to be a bit less sympathetic. Not because I'm not sympathetic - I in fact have had real life experience that is in some ways similar - but because, to be honest: I don't know you, I don't know the whole situation, and I've only heard your side of it. The fact is that if your gf posted here instead of you, there might be a thread of commiseration about the asshole guy who cares more about his room full of toys than helping out his own family. That doesn't mean I think you are the asshole; it means I don't know, so I'm not going to rush to judge a situation I don't know. But here's what I do know: - If you feel suicidal about this, it is serious and should absolutely be taken seriously. If it is possible for you, you need to talk to a qualified professional, not randos on the internet. If it isn't possible for you, then you should at least find and keep handy the numbers and websites of suicide/mental health hotlines. Do this, seriously. There may come a time when you NEED to talk to someone, right now, and you'll be much better off if you have these resources on hand. - It is my observation that regardless of the truth of the situation, you are very negative about your daughter (or step-daughter?), and her boyfriends (maybe not in general, but in terms of this situation). And that is very clearly colouring your perception of the situation. That isn't helping you, and it probably also isn't helping it when you talk with your gf, as your negative feelings are going to come through overtly or otherwise, and of course that's going to cause a negative reaction in turn. The fact is, it doesn't matter whether or not all that is really true or fair; it's not the part you should be focusing on. Your problem is not how many kids your daughter has or whether her boyfriends smoke weed or have a job. Your problem is that this situation is stressing you out and depressing you until the point of self-harm, and that's the part you should focus on. Focusing on how other people aren't doing this or that or not behaving the way you'd like them to will not help you, and helping you should be your top priority inasmuch as your situation allows. The same goes for focusing on how hard you're working and resenting that your gf watches tv all night - the problem is the job you hate, not what your gf does. Dwelling on that will make you bitter and resentful, and in the very likely event that your gf does not agree that you work very hard and she slacks off in comparison, will cause bad feelings between you. (A good therapist will help you a lot with this kind of recursive and negative thinking pattern. It's very natural and you shouldn't feel at fault that you think that way, or even if you can't stop thinking that way on your own. But if you recognise that these are negative and harmful thinking patterns that won't help you and in fact may very well make things worse, it's a good step.) - Venting on the internet is all well and good and may be a necessary outlet, but ultimately, you do need to work this out with your gf one way or another. And here, again, I do not know you, your relationship, or what you've said, nor am I a qualified couples counsellor. But nothing's going to get better if you can't get on the same page. First off, you need to look at this from her point of view. And here I'll be very honest with you: if you seriously said you don't understand why it's your job to take care of your and her child, you should understand that it's very extremely f***ing likely she DOES think taking care of that child is her job and responsibility. If you want her to care about the things that deeply emotionally affect you, that's a two-way street, man. You need to start any conversation by genuinely caring about and respecting her point of view on the situation. And if you have said some of the things to her you've said here, then to be honest, you should apologise for it. Very few people are going to calmly and reasonably listen to the problems of someone who insults their child and says they should fend for themselves. Second, she needs to do the same thing. Like I said at the beginning, this is serious shit and should be taken seriously. A disruption like this to your home is no small thing. The stress and burden of trying to add such a large family on to your own is no small thing. The worry that you're the only one pulling in a steady income is a valid concern. The need for a space of your own is a valid need. And above all else, if this is driving you to the point of feeling suicidal, someone who cares about you should be very worried about and want to help you. And then the two of you, if you're going to make this work, need to hammer out compromises that respect each other's needs. I can't tell you what they are because they're going to depend on your situation and personalities. Maybe it'd be possible to make a new study room for you in the garage where you can put your stuff and relax; maybe there's too much stuff or it's too small. Maybe your daughter can stay with someone else during the weekends, or maybe that wouldn't work for you or her. You guys have to work this out, because it's you guys that have to live your lives. Finally, no matter what else you do, or if you dismiss everything else I said, please follow my advice and have suicide/mental health resources in your wallet or whatever else so you can use them right away if you need to. And if you can manage it, see a professional. Helping you cope with this sort of thing is a trained skill, and a good one can help you more than you might imagine. Your life matters, even at times when that's hard to believe. I think you summed up my thoughts in detail better then I had time to type up today. Forget the thoughts of us here and get into see a professional about your thoughts. If your two solutions to the situation are taking off on your girlfriend and moving home or freaking committing suicide…you have bigger fish to fry than her stoner man or the kids. Your relationship has way more issues than us wrestling board denizens are licensed to deal with. Professional. Now. Go. If you feel suicidal then call a hotline. I’m pretty sure the number is still thumbtacked to the top of this section. That’s more important than some of us agreeing or disagreeing with your positions on the entire situation. Hell relationship counseling may even be in order if you both wish to stay together at this rate. You're probably right, I just feel completely and totally stuck I have a job I can't stand and I'm trying desperately to change it, I think that is where my I can't handle anything thoughts are coming from.
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Post by James Fabiano on Feb 24, 2022 10:06:34 GMT -5
It's tough to not be nervous for me too. Not for the reasons you named, but I feel the same kinds of pain.
Too much is going on around us, with two sets of voices telling me how to feel about it. Even topics that should not be divided amongst what you believe in.
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Dr. T is an alien
Patti Mayonnaise
Knows when to hold them, knows when to fold them
I've been found out!
Posts: 31,360
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Post by Dr. T is an alien on Feb 24, 2022 14:05:39 GMT -5
I think you summed up my thoughts in detail better then I had time to type up today. Forget the thoughts of us here and get into see a professional about your thoughts. If your two solutions to the situation are taking off on your girlfriend and moving home or freaking committing suicide…you have bigger fish to fry than her stoner man or the kids. Your relationship has way more issues than us wrestling board denizens are licensed to deal with. Professional. Now. Go. If you feel suicidal then call a hotline. I’m pretty sure the number is still thumbtacked to the top of this section. That’s more important than some of us agreeing or disagreeing with your positions on the entire situation. Hell relationship counseling may even be in order if you both wish to stay together at this rate. You're probably right, I just feel completely and totally stuck I have a job I can't stand and I'm trying desperately to change it, I think that is where my I can't handle anything thoughts are coming from. First, I apologize that even while trying to empathize that I missed some of your comments regarding just how negatively this is affecting you. I don't want you to think I was dismissive of just how hurt your feelings are in this. Since it sounds like you wish to continue your relationship, something that both giving in or digging your heels in might endanger, might I suggest asking your partner what kind of compromise could be reached? Perhaps help with covering utility expenses of the stepdaughter if they move to a place more suited for them but perhaps a bit out of their means? I know that is not entirely ideal and you might not be in a position to offer such aid, but it could satisfy her need to help her daughter while simultaneously not inducing such a strain on your own mental well-being. Another option was one that my wife briefly suggested to me when we bought our house but still had a lease on a rental we were obligated to fulfill: I keep the rental as a man-cave where I could establish a "home" office as well as meet my gaming buddies at. Instead, we were offered a chance to get out of the lease early so the landlord could potentially place someone in it off-season. I was glad to get that offer. I don't know if I would have wanted to give something like that up later and even if I downgraded I doubt we could have easily afforded that idea at times.
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