My mental health is absolute toast right now, I'm depressed

[Mecca]

and my anxiety is off the charts.

My girlfriend, basically wife, we've been together for 11 years. Comes to me and says she wants daughter to move back in to help her out. She's 21..has 2 kids 3 and 1 is pregnant again and married. She wants to move all of them into the house so they can "save to move to a better place" cause daughter doesn't like where they live..

I'm not a little kids person...this also involves me packing up my entire mancave of collectibles so they can live in it. I know that sounds petty but that area is like an escape for me even if I just go sit there for 5 minutes, being in my spot with all of my memorabilia I've collected feels good, taking that away and putting it in boxes in the garage hurts me. I'm the only person working...oh and I hate her husband he's a massive weed head and can't hold jobs longer than a few months while being awful with money.

When I voice concern my girlfriend tells me all I care about is myself... nevermind our son doesn't want them to move in either...this is the daughter that has moved out and comeback 3 times since 16..each the it's with a guy and more kids and it never ends well..all the guys have been losers etc.

Sometimes I feel like stuff like this will be the end of my relationship. I have a super stressful job, having a bunch of toddlers and young parents as my home life doesn't sound relaxing.

And honestly yea I'm selfish, I'm 41 I thought I was done raising kids.

This on top of being the only person in the house working, I hate my job, I work from home so this adds on to that. I just got up at 6 for work..my girlfriend goes to bed when I'm getting up...cause she watched TV all night. I just feel like I'm in a bad place, nothing is final at the moment but thinking about this makes me wanna eat the entire ibuprofen bottle.

I feel like an asshole, I was told I'm a bad person because I don't want to be inconveinced by family when that's what you do for family. She went to our room and cried when I told her how I felt about this, I just don't understand why it's my job to bail out an adult who's made bad decision after bad decision. They aren't homeless, they live in a tiny house because it's what they can afford because they blow money.

So in short if I don't find a new job soon and figure out something with this situation I'm either gonna go live with my retired parents or off myself.

[Spider2024]

I'm gonna speak from personal experience within my family (technically just a branch of my family because I'm talking about cousins.) Some of them became parents in their early 20s and when that became the case, they were basically told "Y'all are getting jobs, plain and simple. Even when they're just part-time jobs at the local chain store, it's time to be an adult now and support your kids." Now my cousins are decent people, so they're all doing just fine as parents so far, but now is the time for you to tell the 21-year old that playtime's over. Get a job and get some real income into the house. Maybe even the husband can work too, after he cleans up. It sounds harsh, yes, but that's life and that's their life now. Help them get onto a straight path.

Hopefully it will alleviate some of the pressure and tension in the house.

Anyway, good luck with all that, man.

[champchumpchange]

I'm sorry you feel this way, but know, this too shall pass.

If you ever need to talk - I'm here - I know you don't know me nor I you, but a fresh POV might be helpful.

Please reach out to your other loved ones to express your concerns, or to a licensed therapist. Know that your life is worth more than you're giving yourself credit.

If you feel like you're the only one doing the work in your relationship, and that your partner is not supportive of you - then maybe you need to look into that. Please don't hurt yourself.

[Mecca]

Feb 23, 2022 8:02:52 GMT -5 Spider2024 said:

I'm gonna speak from personal experience within my family (technically just a branch of my family because I'm talking about cousins.) Some of them became parents in their early 20s and when that became the case, they were basically told "Y'all are getting jobs, plain and simple. Even when they're just part-time jobs at the local chain store, it's time to be an adult now and support your kids." Now my cousins are decent people, so they're all doing just fine as parents so far, but now is the time for you to tell the 21-year old that playtime's over. Get a job and get some real income into the house. Maybe even the husband can work too, after he cleans up. It sounds harsh, yes, but that's life and that's their life now. Help them get onto a straight path.

Hopefully it will alleviate some of the pressure and tension in the house.

Anyway, good luck with all that, man.

My step daughters job is popping out kids....they literally have all moved out except my son who's going to college in the fall....the issue is my wife wants the daughter to come back with her family and I hate them...

[Limity (BLM)]

You are entirely right and justified to feel how you do about the situation. You are entirely right and justified to worry about yourself and your happiness and well being.

I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago, with a woman I no longer wanted to be with and taking care of her dumpy son. By the end we were still together more out of circumstance than anything else. I finally got out of that relationship and it was the best thing I've ever done.

Get out, go live with your parents long enough to start over, start fresh. That's what that is, just starting over.

[Mecca]

Feb 23, 2022 8:07:04 GMT -5 Limity (BLM) said:

You are entirely right and justified to feel how you do about the situation. You are entirely right and justified to worry about yourself and your happiness and well being.

I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago, with a woman I no longer wanted to be with and taking care of her dumpy son. By the end we were still together more out of circumstance than anything else. I finally got out of that relationship and it was the best thing I've ever done.

Get out, go live with your parents long enough to start over, start fresh. That's what that is, just starting over.

I just can't handle living with toddlers, I can't.

[EvenBaldobombHasAJob]

It sounds like you may need to leave this situation, even just temporarily, for the sake of your health. Your partner doesn't sound like she's being very supportive of you. Family is important but you have to draw the line somewhere. I can empathize, my mom's worthless sister has been sponging off of her for years and being an ungrateful bitch to everyone around her. She emotionally blackmails my mother because their mother and other 3 siblings have all given up on my aunt and refuse to speak with her and my mom is afraid she'll end up homeless (which IMO she deserves). There comes a time when you need to put your foot down.

[Dr. T is an alien]

I suppose one should start by asking what you want in your relationship with your gf, with the understanding that she, understandably enough, wants to help her daughter regardless of how she found herself in her current state and that appears to be non-negotiable on her end. I will say that I can somewhat empathize with your situation because of all of the struggles we had with my stepson. He has had chemical dependency issues since he moved in with his POS dad as a teenager. He moved back in with us as an adult a number of times, always ending in disaster. I felt as though I had no choice but to let this young man whose POS sperm donor had driven into his brain that treating me with respect was a personal insult to said sperm donor.

In the end, this cycle of letting him back into the home only ended when my wife decided that it was too much on the household. Truthfully, I was more prepared to let him back in than she was at that time, but was smart enough to not argue the point. Maybe your gf will similarly reach such a point.

[Mecca]

Feb 23, 2022 10:13:05 GMT -5 Dr. T is an alien said:

I suppose one should start by asking what you want in your relationship with your gf, with the understanding that she, understandably enough, wants to help her daughter regardless of how she found herself in her current state and that appears to be non-negotiable on her end. I will say that I can somewhat empathize with your situation because of all of the struggles we had with my stepson. He has had chemical dependency issues since he moved in with his POS dad as a teenager. He moved back in with us as an adult a number of times, always ending in disaster. I felt as though I had no choice but to let this young man whose POS sperm donor had driven into his brain that treating me with respect was a personal insult to said sperm donor.

In the end, this cycle of letting him back into the home only ended when my wife decided that it was too much on the household. Truthfully, I was more prepared to let him back in than she was at that time, but was smart enough to not argue the point. Maybe your gf will similarly reach such a point.

It'd be one thing if it was just her which frustrates me, but her a husband and 2 kids with another one coming is just to much for me.

[Deleted]

This is not you being selfish.

You live somewhere and the person who lives with you wants to invite a family of five into your home. You have every right to take issue with it.

You should help others when you can, but not if it's going to put you out or be a negative impact on your mental health.

[Bobeddy]

I've known people in a similar enough situation and what I've always said (in almost direct contradiction to the post above me!) is that sometimes you need to be selfish.

Selfish has negative connotations, but I'm not saying to only ever look out for yourself at all times. What I mean is that you can't be expected to help someone and support them if by doing so you're actively hurting yourself.
Help how you can and help as much as you're comfortable doing, but you need to recognise when the ask becomes too much. It's alright to care about yourself.

We're all willing to sacrifice for others but you shouldn't be sacrificing your own mental health.

[Feyrhausen]

Be selfish. You have earned a place for yourself. They can go in the garage. It may sound heartless but they need to grow up. Tell weed head to get working if he wants to live like real people. If your GF doesnt like it she can work to earn them a better place. Or they can bunk with her and you move into your man cave while they are there.

[dirtyoldman]

I would like to think that they'd be looking after the kids and they're not your responsibility. How long is this situation expected to last or is it indiffently?

Also are they gonna help round the house or are they filthy lazy pigs? Cause I think that would piss me to high heaven if they don't pick up their shit.

[Big BosskMan]

Nah man, you're completely in the right, and within your rights to voice your concerns. They need to find elsewhere to live and grow up. The daughter in particular.

You say she's boomeranged back 3 times in the past 5 years each time with a kid and guy in tow. WTF? Your girlfriend/partner is enabling this. I understand on some level parents wanting to help their kids who are struggling but this should've been nipped in the bud a while ago.

It's been bandied about a lot on social media but saying No is a good thing and the best thing you can do for self care.

Also, if you do end up boxing up your man cave and collectibles, I would suggest moving them off property perhaps to a storage unit. Not to accommodate the guests but to ensure your stuff doesn't disappear or otherwise get stolen/sold off for some weed or quick cash.

As I was sorting through a lot of stuff from my Dad's house that was in storage, I found out that quite a bit of my childhood toys - specifically Transformers - had gone missing and I believe it was when movers packed my parents up and moved them. Some of the Transformers, like Soundwave, were still there but others like Sideswipe, Mirage, Thundercracker, etc. are MIA.

[Mecca]

Feb 23, 2022 11:37:48 GMT -5 dirtyoldman said:

I would like to think that they'd be looking after the kids and they're not your responsibility. How long is this situation expected to last or is it indiffently?

Also are they gonna help round the house or are they filthy lazy pigs? Cause I think that would piss me to high heaven if they don't pick up their shit.

It doesn't matter how much they look after the kids, I work from home and they're 3 and 1, I'm not a little kids person to begin with yet everyone tries to make me feel like shit about it for some reason. Where they live now is a f***ing mess there's no way around that, I literally feel like I'm going to end up living with my parents because I don't think I can handle this.

[Mecca]

I basically feel like I'm being told I have to compromise, I'm being selfish, how dare I not help family, my items mean more than my grandkids etc etc. I literally feel like I have to either live in complete depression, off myself or throw away what the last 12 years of my life has been because I said no about something. And it was never, if you don't think it's a good idea we won't do it, it was she asks me before the daughter does because she wants to basically brow beat me for a week into saying its ok.

[Bobeddy]

Feb 23, 2022 12:35:20 GMT -5 Mecca said:

I basically feel like I'm being told I have to compromise, I'm being selfish, how dare I not help family, my items mean more than my grandkids etc etc. I literally feel like I have to either live in complete depression, off myself or throw away what the last 12 years of my life has been because I said no about something. And it was never, if you don't think it's a good idea we won't do it, it was she asks me before the daughter does because she wants to basically brow beat me for a week into saying its ok.

As part of my job today I was editing a video around domestic abuse and if you're feeling so hopeless that you're talking/thinking about 'offing yourself' it sounds like you're being subjected to emotional abuse. It's difficult and it's painful with how much time has been invested, but it might be that you need to get out of that relationship.

[dirtyoldman]

Feb 23, 2022 12:25:01 GMT -5 Big BosskMan said:

Nah man, you're completely in the right, and within your rights to voice your concerns. They need to find elsewhere to live and grow up. The daughter in particular.

You say she's boomeranged back 3 times in the past 5 years each time with a kid and guy in tow. WTF? Your girlfriend/partner is enabling this. I understand on some level parents wanting to help their kids who are struggling but this should've been nipped in the bud a while ago.

It's been bandied about a lot on social media but saying No is a good thing and the best thing you can do for self care.

Also, if you do end up boxing up your man cave and collectibles, I would suggest moving them off property perhaps to a storage unit. Not to accommodate the guests but to ensure your stuff doesn't disappear or otherwise get stolen/sold off for some weed or quick cash.

As I was sorting through a lot of stuff from my Dad's house that was in storage, I found out that quite a bit of my childhood toys - specifically Transformers - had gone missing and I believe it was when movers packed my parents up and moved them. Some of the Transformers, like Soundwave, were still there but others like Sideswipe, Mirage, Thundercracker, etc. are MIA.

They left soundwave behind? That be the first one I'd steal ..if I was so inclined.

But yeah, put your stuff somewhere safe cause the kids will trash it and your weed head will pawn it.

[Feyrhausen]

Feb 23, 2022 12:35:20 GMT -5 Mecca said:

I basically feel like I'm being told I have to compromise, I'm being selfish, how dare I not help family, my items mean more than my grandkids etc etc. I literally feel like I have to either live in complete depression, off myself or throw away what the last 12 years of my life has been because I said no about something. And it was never, if you don't think it's a good idea we won't do it, it was she asks me before the daughter does because she wants to basically brow beat me for a week into saying its ok.

I know all about depression. I think about suicide daily. You really just have to.say its not worth it. 12 years is a lot of time to have invested in a relationship but if she is not at all interested in how you feel then is it worth it? Obviously you care more about her feelings than she does yours.

And dont listen to them at all about you caring more about your things than her family. They are not just things. As you say they calm you, make you feel better. Its your sanctuary and its for your mental health. And they wont be just taking your room. Thats 4 soon to be 5 people. They will be all over the house. How will you even work with 2 freeloaders and their kids running around? At least if you have your man cave you could make it a work office as well. You are the only one working you need a good space for it.

This honestly might be a situation where you need to reevaluate the entire situation.

[Mecca]

Feb 23, 2022 16:37:59 GMT -5 Feyrhausen said:

Feb 23, 2022 12:35:20 GMT -5 Mecca said:

I basically feel like I'm being told I have to compromise, I'm being selfish, how dare I not help family, my items mean more than my grandkids etc etc. I literally feel like I have to either live in complete depression, off myself or throw away what the last 12 years of my life has been because I said no about something. And it was never, if you don't think it's a good idea we won't do it, it was she asks me before the daughter does because she wants to basically brow beat me for a week into saying its ok.

I know all about depression. I think about suicide daily. You really just have to.say its not worth it. 12 years is a lot of time to have invested in a relationship but if she is not at all interested in how you feel then is it worth it? Obviously you care more about her feelings than she does yours.

And dont listen to them at all about you caring more about your things than her family. They are not just things. As you say they calm you, make you feel better. Its your sanctuary and its for your mental health. And they wont be just taking your room. Thats 4 soon to be 5 people. They will be all over the house. How will you even work with 2 freeloaders and their kids running around? At least if you have your man cave you could make it a work office as well. You are the only one working you need a good space for it.

This honestly might be a situation where you need to reevaluate the entire situation.

I've always put on a good face about it but she literally always takes it back to "family" and "kids" then tells me that I'm not normal because my family isn't about anything for family. If I told my dad me and my wife and kids needed to move in cause our current house isn't big enough and it's sucks because I'm bad with money and don't use birth control, I'd get told to f*** off.

I'm literally made to feel like an asshole for not liking small children.