Favorite play-on-words of all time?

[Spider2024]

The jokes/puns of the wordplay variety that made you go "Wow, that was clever!" or otherwise just found hilarious.

Here are a few of mine:

(From SNL)
"Did you hear about the will.i.am wedding?"
"Don't you mean Prince William?"
"No, I'm pretty sure it was will.i.am who got married. That's why it was a big deal that he didn't invite Fergie."

(From Square One)
"Next week, Liberace's brother Fibonacci will join us to talk about his sequins... I mean, his sequence."

[El Pollo Guerrera]

"Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana."

"No matter how far you push the envelope, it's still stationary."

[ERON]

[Hit Girl]

Degeneration X

[Mighty Attack Tribble]

Always loved this one by George Carlin:

There are a couple of terms being used a lot these days by guilty white liberals. First one is "happens to be." "He happens to be black." "I have a friend who happens to be black." Like it's a f***ing accident you know?

Happens to be black?

"Yes, he happens to be black."

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had two black parents?

"Oh yes, yes he did. Yes, that's right."

Right... and they f***ed?

"Oh, indeed they did, indeed they did."

So where does the surprise part come in? I should think it would be more unusual if he "just happened to be" Scandinavian!

And the other term is "openly." "Openly gay." They say "he's openly gay." But that's the only minority they use that for. You know, you wouldn't say someone was "openly black."

Well, maybe James Brown... or Louis Farrakhan; Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black, Colin Powell is openly white; he just happens to be black.

[Clash, Never a Meter Maid]

I got a runny nose.

What, you think that’s funny?

S’ not.

[CMWaters]

From the MST3K episode "Monster A-G0-Go"...when a random scientist is wandering around trying to find a monster in an open area.

Crow: Now THERE'S a man out standing in his field!

[Jindrak Mark]

I used to do drugs.

I still do, but I used to too.

[mcmahonfan85]

from Bill, the 2015 comedy about william shakespeare. when ol' willie shakes gets to london, christopher marlowe offers him an acting job, but really it's just dressing up as a tomato to advertise vegetables. he accidently wandered over to the meat market, and a guy dressed up a chicken leg starting arguing with him. his friend the sausage came over to back him up and asked if there was a problem: "No problem. Just a salad that needs...addressing."

[Cranjis McBasketball]

Jul 12, 2022 17:19:57 GMT -5 Mighty Attack Tribble said:

Always loved this one by George Carlin:

There are a couple of terms being used a lot these days by guilty white liberals. First one is "happens to be." "He happens to be black." "I have a friend who happens to be black." Like it's a f***ing accident you know?

Happens to be black?

"Yes, he happens to be black."

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had two black parents?

"Oh yes, yes he did. Yes, that's right."

Right... and they f***ed?

"Oh, indeed they did, indeed they did."

So where does the surprise part come in? I should think it would be more unusual if he "just happened to be" Scandinavian!

And the other term is "openly." "Openly gay." They say "he's openly gay." But that's the only minority they use that for. You know, you wouldn't say someone was "openly black."

Well, maybe James Brown... or Louis Farrakhan; Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black, Colin Powell is openly white; he just happens to be black.

I knew a guy all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

George Carlin

[Dan Royal]

What's that thing?

A Vacuum.

Oh, well that sucks.

[ERON]

Jul 12, 2022 18:19:03 GMT -5 mcmahonfan85 said:

from Bill, the 2015 comedy about william shakespeare. when ol' willie shakes gets to london, christopher marlowe offers him an acting job, but really it's just dressing up as a tomato to advertise vegetables. he accidently wandered over to the meat market, and a guy dressed up a chicken leg starting arguing with him. his friend the sausage came over to back him up and asked if there was a problem: "No problem. Just a salad that needs...addressing."

The real Bill Shakespeare had some good ones, too. My personal favorite...

HAMLET: Whose grave’s this, sir?

FIRST CLOWN: Mine, sir.

HAMLET: I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in’t.

FIRST CLOWN: You lie out on’t, sir, and therefore ’tis not yours. For my part, I do not lie in’t, yet it is mine.

HAMLET: Thou dost lie in’t, to be in’t and say it is thine. ’Tis for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.

FIRST CLOWN: ’Tis a quick lie, sir; ’t will away again from me to you.

HAMLET: What man dost thou dig it for?

FIRST CLOWN: For no man, sir.

HAMLET: What woman then?

FIRST CLOWN: For none neither.

HAMLET: Who is to be buried in’t?

FIRST CLOWN: One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she’s dead.

[Cyno]

Carlin was the king of wordplay and just deconstructing the English language.

"And they say 'Get on the plane! Get on the plane!' I say f*** you, I'm getting in the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane. I'll be in here with you nice folks in uniform. There's much less wind in there!"

"Why do they call it a near-miss? It's a near hit! A collision is a near-miss! BOOM 'Look, they nearly missed. Yes, but not quite!'"

Another favorite of mine is from Clerks the Animated Series playing around with a British slang for cigarettes being the same word as an American homophobic slur.

[J. Hova]

Threads like this make me miss George Carlin. I love the two bits already referenced in this thread but I'll throw modern man in there for honorable mention as well considering it is just catchphrases constructed into a wonderful poem:

I am a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified, multi-cultural,
Post-modern deconstructionist;
Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded,
I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.


I’m a high-tech low-life.
A cutting edge, state-of-the-art,
Bi-coastal multi-tasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new-wave, but I’m old school;
And my inner child is outward bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking,
Warm-hearted cool customer;
Voice activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database;
My database is in cyberspace;
So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive,
And from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve,
Ridin' the wave, dodgin' the bullet
Pushin' the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message,
And off drugs.

I’ve got no need for coke and speed;
I've got no urge to binge and purge.


I’m in the moment, on the edge,
Over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile,
Medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I’m a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk,
Rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
Out of rehab and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up;
You can’t dumb me down.
Cause I’m tireless and I’m wireless.
I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer,
An over-achiever;
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home;
Low-rent, high-maintenance.

I'm super-sized, long-lasting,
High-definition, fast-acting,
Oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case;
Prematurely post-traumatic,
And I have a love child that sends me hate-mail.

But I’m feeling, I’m caring,
I’m healing, I’m sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing
Primary care-giver.

My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, and I watch trash sports.

I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive,
User-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my email.
And the software on my hard drive
Is hard-core -- no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear,
And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized
Hospital-tested, clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated,
Pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged,
Post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped
And vacuum-packed.

And... I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock;
Rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow;
I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',
Jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.

I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal
And the rubber on the road.
I party hearty and lunchtime is crunch time.

I’m hangin' in, there ain’t no doubt;
And I’m hangin' tough.
Over and out!

[carp (SPC, Itoh Respect Army)]

I maintain Lupe Fiasco is still the king of wordplay (especially if he ghostwrote Kanye's early stuff, as is the rumor)

"I'm just trying to do the opposite of left, as long as there's the opposite of death / Yes, but test and I just might bring the opposite of life until there's no one the opposite of right"

"Like the way I emcee? Man, they just be lovin' it"

"You be in a glory hole; you don't know who you f***ing with"

"I'm tryin' to stop lyin', like I'm Mumm-Ra"




And this wrecks any actual rap-fan cred I might have, but I think the best rap play-on-words ever is from a goddamn Epic Rap Battles of History. (I think it's likely MC Jin wrote it, which helps a little.) It's Eastern philosophers vs. Western philosophers, and Confucius says to Nietzsche:

"You tried to plant a new German psyche / But you just grew hate, me no third Reich-y"

I mean goddamn. Mockingly co-opting 20th century racism in such a way that utterly disproves it (gotta be pretty good at speaking English to manipulate it so well), all in order to attack the ultimate example of 20th century racism? God. Damn.

[Larryhausen]

Also, the newscaster on Dinosaurs being named Howard HandupMe.