Post breakup advice??

[uewfigfed]

So, this is a rather fresh as I e been dealing with this person on and off for two years, but I believe I reached my limit. Over this duration alcohol and drugs have been present for them (I’m a year and half clean from hard drugs and alcohol) and always have led to problems. I’ve been hit, called racial remarks (she’s anlso an POC making this weirder) and given less than stellar good vibes during their “blackout” moments. But this time they were sober as that’s how I requested they are around me these days. Their paranoia of loyalty has increased, as well as an admission of crack use, and things are just getting worst. This all came to a head yesterday, when I kicked her out instead of dealing with yet another weekend of fighting. Since then, she’s gone the route of the social media and even using those damn number apps to harass me to further be verbally abusive.

So why the hell do I feel bad and sad?? It’s clear I’ve forgiven time and time and time, yet I feel like the bad guy for trying to take a hard stand for myself and how I would like to be treated and respected. Is it the depression?? Impending loneliness?? Cuz this is ridiculous for me to feel sad about this anymore. Any advice would be great

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

You need to drop this person ASAP. it's not your responsibility to get someone else's life in order, especially if they won't do their part and are abusing you. You're definitely not the bad guy.

[Fade]

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. And you have awareness of how irrational your emotions are making you all while doing the reasonable, logical and productive thing.

Just trust yourself my guy. And on a constructive vantage point, please be considerate to yourself. Take care of yourself in this time. Try to have some fun, find an escape or do something productive if all this gets to be too much.

["Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay]

You feel bad because you have tried to be compassionate to them and it hasn't worked.

They were being abusive to you and part of how abuse works is by making the victim of the abuse feel like it is their fault.

Nobody can tell you where to draw the line, but you drew it and it sounds like you needed to and did the best thing for you.

I have been in multiple abusive relationships. My longest one, my marriage, ended not because I finally had enough but because she left me and moved on to somebody else and it shattered my world so much that I became a suicide risk.

Fiction will make you think that if you treat people kindly enough that eventually they will get it and become a better person, but actual reality is not linear. Nor are your emotions. Whatever parts of them you loved and cared about still exist in both of you and that complicates the emotions here.

Stand firm. Stay strong. Don't let them back in. And frankly if you want advice I would say never let them back in even if they get clean and start treating you with respect. You owe them nothing, and you are not responsible for them, and if they actually become a non abusive person then they can go and exist in a new life for themselves too which doesn't need you in it to validate themselves either. They sacrificed the right to your time, effort, love and company.

[tafkaga]

Two things.

1. What you're feeling is normal human empathy. Five years ago I broke up with a woman who treated me terrible and I still care about her to this day.

2. Relationships are living organisms, and it's not unusual to mourn the death of one the same way you'd mourn the death of a person. You likely invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship because you hoped for and envisioned a happy ending that would make it all worth it. Now you're having to come to terms with the fact that you invested so much of yourself in a fantasy. It hurts and we've all been there.

I called the domestic abuse hotline after a breakup once, going through my own mourning experience and seeking answers. The operator told me something that I'll never forget. She said, "Love is kind." It made me realize that love isn't measured by how strongly someone feels, but how they treat you. Cruelty and love do not flow from the same well.

[Jaws the Shark]

Mar 18, 2024 13:05:54 GMT -5 tafkaga said:

Relationships are living organisms, and it's not unusual to mourn the death of one the same way you'd mourn the death of a person. You likely invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship because you hoped for and envisioned a happy ending that would make it all worth it. Now you're having to come to terms with the fact that you invested so much of yourself in a fantasy. It hurts and we've all been there.

This is absolutely massive, I think. Very few people are completely irredeemably evil, and you probably saw all sorts of qualities in this person that you still really loved and to not see them in that person anymore really is like someone has died. And like you said, you're not just saying goodbye to the person, it's the whole relationship and all the hopes and aspirations you had for it. That's really, really hard. But as much as you might want to help and fix someone, you can't do that with someone who won't accept your help and help themselves, and you shouldn't expect that of yourself.

I had a relationship that blew up spectacularly, and she did some awful, awful things that I never, ever imagined she was capable of - lying about being pregnant by someone else was a high/low point. I still love her, because I always will and there's loads of things about her that I really love and miss every day, but I couldn't and can't have a relationship because the stress and the distrust will kill me.

[Kalmia]

You feel bad about it because you're an empathetic person and you have feelings for your ex. You can't just turn those off overnight - only time and distance will give you that.

Going by what you've said in your post, you did the right thing. Your ex undoubtedly has issues with drugs that are contributing to their behavior but that's only an explanation, not an excuse. Their behavior is still their fault and is something they need to deal with. They're not going to face their problems while they have you there.

You did what was right for you. Whether your ex does what's right for them and sorts themselves out is on them, not you.

["Gizzark" Mike Wronglevenay]

Also side note - good job on being clean. I also have issues with various things but coming up on 11 years with no hard drugs. It isn't always easy to do

[Display Name]

I promise you, if you stay away, your life will just get better. I did the off and on thing with somebody for 6 years and she was absolutely horrible to me. I’ve now been married for 2 and a half years to a girl that is perfect for me and I, for her.

[J. Hova]

Stories like this make me happy that the vast majority of my relationships have gone full scorched earth with us wishing death upon one another and their extended families.

[DZ: WF Legacy]

I had a girlfriend for several years that was like Jekyll & Hyde even without drugs or alcohol.

Jekyll was beautiful, friendly, fun-loving, and enjoyable to be around. Hyde was distant, insecure, and completely self-serving at every opportunity. If she introduced alcohol to her system, Jekyll would be tolerable if you were lucky, but if you were subjected to Hyde that night? Emotional abuse, sometimes physical altercation or throwing of things, reckless behavior (including driving under the influence), inappropriate texts, infidelity...it was traumatic and still affects me to this very day. Is it normal to still feel sad? Yeah, you care. Loving someone who can't get their shit together and/or has a personality disorder (BPD or otherwise) that they don't care to work on is not worth it if they aren't at least trying to be more mindful.

You have to stand up for yourself, which it sounds like you did, so good on you for respecting yourself and your boundaries. When the behavior becomes outrageously inconsiderate, it needs to be addressed & understood in a compassionate way. They need to know that you love them, but their behavior is the tick sucking away the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. And yeah, they will smear you, and people unfortunately tend to buy into it for a multitude of reasons & biases I'd rather not get into here. It isn't fair, you won't get the closure you want and deserve, and it will be difficult to not engage, but you have to stay strong. No contact is not easy, but it is necessary in order to let them go and focus on the other thing that matters: you.

You should be proud that you valued yourself enough to say enough. You can only forgive so many things they did without a care, so why not forgive yourself, too?