Emotional Affair...

[Munkie91087]

I am just curious as to know what all of you crappers think of this situation. According to several people I have been cheating on my girlfriend by having an emotional affair.

Let me explain the situation to you. About 4 months ago I was introduced to a girl through a mutual friend. Over the months her and I have become really close friends. I will say her and I do talk a lot, and I tell her a lot of very personal things, but it has never gone beyond talking.

Recently however, a few of my friends (including her boyfriend) have accused me of having something called an emotional affair, and have said that this is a form of cheating. I sort of talked to my girlfriend about this, but I used a friends name (he did just break up with his girlfriend) and she said that an emotional affair is a valid reason for ending the relationship.

I don't know what to do, I don't consider what I am doing cheating, I just consider her a very close friend.

However a few people have told me that she has a growing attraction towards me, and constantly talks about me when I am not around. Her boyfriend told me she lights up whenever my name is brought up. So I don't know what her true feelings are or what I should do.

What do you think crappers, I am in major need of advice.

[Johnny Danger (Godz)]

Eh. I've had my friends accuse me of that too because a lot of my close friends are females. To me, its only cheating if you're doing something that you'd get upset if your girlfriend did too. If you don't feel like you're doing anything wrong, you're probably not IMO.

[Lord Rahl]

I've heard about the whole emotional affair thing. Personally, I think its total BS. As long as it doesnt go past talking friends, I dont see what the big deal is. Not to sound like a dick, but I think anyone that ends a relationship because their other has a close friend that is the opposite sex has some trust issues.

Thats just my two cents though...I could be the ass here.

T

[Johnny Danger (Godz)]

Mar 28, 2008 9:42:52 GMT -5 Lord Rahl said:

I've heard about the whole emotional affair thing. Personally, I think its total BS. As long as it doesnt go past talking friends, I dont see what the big deal is. Not to sound like a dick, but I think anyone that ends a relationship because their other has a close friend that is the opposite sex has some trust issues.

Thats just my two cents though...I could be the ass here.

T

Nope, and I agree...and thats coming from someone who DOES have trust issues. I'm paranoid and I can admit it. By the same token, one of my best friends is a girl, and I've gone various places with her and hung out with her several times while I was in a relationship, because neither of us was doing anything wrong, and I didn't have to hide it.

[Munkie91087]

I think a major part of the problem is that her boyfriend is extremely jealous of me. They haven't been dating that long, just a little under 2 months. He just seems to really not like me hanging out with her. What sucks is he is a pretty good friend of mine too, and my friendship to his girlfriend is causing a lot of tension there.

My girlfriend knows I am friends with the girl, and doesn't care because her best friend is a guy, but my friends boyfriend is really acting like a jealous fool.

[The Lego Pig]

Well, if you prefer spending your time more with your new friend that your girlfriend, then yes.

Now, be honest with yourself. I know you sound like a nice guy, and to me it seems you are attracted to this other girl just by the way you speak about her. Are you trying to convince yourself you love your girlfriend and not this new freind out of loyalty and decency.

So basically, if you have thought of, or wanted, even slightly, anything to happen. If the answer is yes, then I would call it emotional cheating.

[EvilMasterBetty, Esq.]

I think if one person becomes more attached then as just friends, then something is wrong. It's not impossible to have just a friend of the opposite sex. However, you need to make sure you're not becoming too attached or spending too much time with her.

While "emotional affair" may not be the right term, since everyone should have some outlet outside of their relationship to vent any frustrations they might have, you shouldn't spend the most of your emotional energy with them rather than your gf.

[Bo Rida]

I heard something recently about this that I think sums up what acceptable friendship is and what’s an emotional affair.

If you go to your friend first for everything rather than your partner it’s an affair.
When something good or bad happens we only share the proper unedited story once (complete with all the attached emotions) after that it’s an edited version of what we want people to hear.
These are the experiences you should want to share with your partner.

So as long as you always put your girlfriend ahead of your friend I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.

You shouldn’t let your friend get hurt though; make sure she knows your position.
However I’ve made a really close female friend over the past few months and I probably light up whenever she’s mentioned but my feeling towards her are strictly platonic so it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Of course this is the simplistic Lisa Simpson style answer.

[Johnny Danger (Godz)]

Sounds to me like the problem is the other girl's boyfriend's jealousy and insecurity, not you, IMO.

[Munkie91087]

Mar 28, 2008 9:53:47 GMT -5 The Lego Pig said:

Well, if you prefer spending your time more with your new friend that your girlfriend, then yes.

Now, be honest with yourself. I know you sound like a nice guy, and to me it seems you are attracted to this other girl just by the way you speak about her. Are you trying to convince yourself you love your girlfriend and not this new freind out of loyalty and decency.

So basically, if you have thought of, or wanted, even slightly, anything to happen. If the answer is yes, then I would call it emotional cheating.

I have been spending a lot of time with the friend, but not because I don't tell my girlfriend things. My girlfriend has just been extremely busy. She is an accountant, and it is tax season right now. So I haven't been able to spend that much time with her.

A really good friend of mine believes that I am in a way replacing the void of my girlfriend with this new girl. I don't really believe that, but he seems to believe I have been treating this girl like my girlfriend. To be honest here I am not 100 percent sure of my feelings, but more than likely my feelings are completely platonic.

The problem is I can really open up to this girl. She doesn't even give me advice, but anytime I am bothered by something just by ranting to her I usually feel a bit better. I am not sure if that is a good thing at all.

A big part of the problem is me and my girlfriend have always had issues with opening up to each other. She rarely ever tells me anything, and a lot of times when I tell her things she has a tendency to use what I say against me in an argument. I do love my girlfriend. (I have been with her for 4.5 years) I guess I've just made this weird connection with this other girl and I have no idea what it means.

What hurts the most is, I know this whole thing isn't fair to my girlfriend, and I really don't want to end things with her because through all the petty nonsense her and I sometimes go through I do love her.

[Phosphor Glow]

f***ing ridiculous. Seriously. Being close friends with someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean you're cheating, even emotionally. That's just dumb. You can be friends with whoever, and as close of friends with whoever.

People amaze me sometimes.

[ddd84]

There is nothing wrong with having close friends of the opposite sex when you're dating, but if you're confiding everything in another friend and having heart-to-heart talks with another friend instead of your girlfriend, I do consider that to be a little weird. I don't think that the OP is necessarily doing this, so I see no problem.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe that if you found your soulmate, or however you want to phrase it, they should be your closest friend and confidant.

[Baldobomb-22-OH-MAN!!!]

sounds to me more like another imaginary way Society comes up with for making people feel guilty about good things (in this case having close friends). so I wouldn't put much stock into it.

[trixiedust]

Mar 28, 2008 10:02:55 GMT -5 Bo Rida said:

I heard something recently about this that I think sums up what acceptable friendship is and what’s an emotional affair.

If you go to your friend first for everything rather than your partner it’s an affair.
When something good or bad happens we only share the proper unedited story once (complete with all the attached emotions) after that it’s an edited version of what we want people to hear.
These are the experiences you should want to share with your partner.

So as long as you always put your girlfriend ahead of your friend I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.

You shouldn’t let your friend get hurt though; make sure she knows your position.
However I’ve made a really close female friend over the past few months and I probably light up whenever she’s mentioned but my feeling towards her are strictly platonic so it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

Of course this is the simplistic Lisa Simpson style answer.

This.
And by this definition, if you are telling this "friend" things you aren't because you're girlfriend is busy, than you are having an affair, or you're using her. You know better than anybody else. Be honest with yourself.

[DJ Peapod]

Da hell is an emotional affair?

So what, there are some things you can talk to one person, and not to another...thats NORMAL!

"It's cheating, it's an affair, it's lying, it's hiding" = LIES!

I say keep doing it man, because there are things that you can't obviouslly say to your gf because of legit reasons, so you have a third party to talk to and get advice. Just keep going, because if she can't respect your for that reason, then she isn't worth it.

[T.J. "the Crippler" Stevens]

Mar 28, 2008 9:52:01 GMT -5 Munkie91087 said:

What sucks is he is a pretty good friend of mine too, and my friendship to his girlfriend is causing a lot of tension there.

I was all on your side until I read this. Now this begs a question. Was he your friend first? or was she? If she was then I still don't see a problem.

But if he was your friend first, and you started hanging around his girlfriend even though you knew he didn't like it, then you should back off. It doesn't matter if you don't think he should be uncomfortable. That's your bro. If he thinks his girl's face lights up when she talks about you, and that's causing some tension in his relationship with her, then you need to back off and think about your friend instead of yourself. I don't buy the whole "emotional relationship" thing either. But respect your friend.

[Cranjis McBasketball]

Emotional affair sounds like something Oprah would have invented.

Here's the deal. So long as your friendship to this girl doesn't start take turns it shouldn't, you know, kissing, touching, seeing each other rather than your girlfriend/boyfriend respecitvely. It's not a real problem in the sense of an "emotional affair". It's a problem if your girlfriend and her boyfriend think it is and they probably do.

I dunno, man......I'm on your side, but your girlfriend probably won't like it and her boyfriend doesn't like it.

So to me, as usual, the problem is someone else, not me (in this case, you).

[Janitor From Mars]

It's not cheating if there's no penetration.

(at least according to Slick Willy)

[Loki]

I'm on the fence here.

I've had several emotional affairs in the past (and maybe one in the making ) and while I find ridicolous the concept of it counting as cheating as if you actually sleep with the girl, I can see how it is an issue.

Moreso if you came around when she was already with her boyfriend. Had the two of you been close friends from before, he should just had to shut up and accept that. But if you're a later aquisition, I think you should try to tone it down a bit.

Unless you want to move to greater things with her.

//edit. So, you're also friend with the boyfriend. Depending on who was your friend before all that drama, pick a side.

[Cranjis McBasketball]

I'm this one chick's "wall" she calls me. I think I'm only sane person she knows. She lives a ways away, so I don't see her often, but we email and text, stuff like that, no calls really anymore. I discovered that's pretty much my lot in her life, to be her wall. I'm the one who's gotta stay sane and say things to her you wouldn't have to say to a sane, rational person (No, you really shouldn't have an abortion because he wants a big screen TV in-f***ing-stead. That's f***ed up.) (PS on that, just so we're all clear, she miscarried.).

I'm gonna be her first call when her new financee does something f***ing stupid. Or she needs something (usually cash to pay for shit a guy who's marrying her ought to be providing)...That's just my lot in life. Her last finacee and I f***in' hated each other (I did give him a valid reason to, mind you...f*** emotional affairs, her and I did have an affair) and the new finacee is probably gonna hate me too. Oh well.

In conclusion, 1. I'm a sucker and

2. You really gotta figure out what kind of f***in' shit you're gonna put up with in your relationships. Two of my closest friends are girls so, respectively their boyfriends and girlfriends (yeah, that's right, one's a lesbian) are gonna hate me. No skin off my ass. To my best friend who's a dude, his wife will always hate me because I don't believe anything she believes, at all. To her and this is honest, I'm evil, but mostly an asshole.

I don't think an emotional affair is a real, tangible thing....and I don't think you're wrong. Just tread lightly, man.