Let's Play The Secret of Monkey Island SE!

[shiranui]

YAR! Ahoy there, mateys!

After the marathon endurance run that was my Let's Play of Persona 4 and before I tackle a certain classic (yet vastly underrated) BioWare title featuring dragons, Mei Ling and John Cleese, I decided that I should chill out and play something that is short and funny and has pirates in it. And what would be a better choice than the classic graphic adventure series created by Ron Gilbert, Tim Schafer (he of Brütal Legend and Psychonauts fame) and Dave Grossman in 1990?

For those of you who have never heard of this series, Monkey Island came about when the three aforementioned gentlemen decided to make a pirate adventure game and, while working on it, used their comedic placeholder dialogue in place of the more serious dialogue they planned (The Secret of Monkey Island was originally supposed to be a somewhat serious game) and eventually realized that it was so funny that they ended up turning the game into a comedy adventure where our heroically inept wannabe pirate Guybrush Threepwood goes on a quest to become a Mighty Pirate(tm) and defeat the evil ghost pirate LeChuck. Of course, if you aren't familiar with the world of Monkey Island, I urge you to go get The Secret of Monkey Island and Monkey Island 2 from your online download service of choice (Steam, PSN or Xbox Live, obviously. Even though this is a game about pirates, we do NOT advocate software piracy here. That doesn't even involve drinking grog or looting or pillaging, ye know.)

And yeah, I intend to play through at least the first two games, perhaps the third (Curse of Monkey Island) as well. The fourth game (Escape from Monkey Island) is mostly crap and I have no idea if it will work on my computer these days, so I don't know about that. Of course, the series was resurrected last year with Telltale Games' episodic Tales of Monkey Island, and if this thing is still going when it's time to do that game, I will LP it as well. I might move on to doing other games once I'm done with one or two of these, but this thread will still keep going.

Also, I am fully aware of the fact that the Let's Play Archive has (really damn good) LPs of the first two games by Something Awful user Clavius. To set this thing apart from those LPs, I'll be playing the recent special editions of Monkey 1 and 2 and will try my best not to steal his jokes (at least not on purpose). With that said... I wanna be a pirate! This is where it all began - The Secret of Monkey Island!

--------

Part 1: Secret of the Hard-to-Read Text


Looks like we washed up on the shore of Melee Island circa 1990.


Sweet transition effect accompanied by the main theme kicking in!


These guys rule. Simple as that.


The music kicks ass, too. There isn't that much of Michael Land's soundtrack in the first game, but what there is sounds great.


Don't believe me? Here's the full theme song. It's a classic.


Our hero, folks! Guybrush Threepwood himself! And yes, we seem to have stumbled into another 1990 flashback, this time because in the Special Edition you can switch between the old and new graphics using the F10 key. That's also the key I used for taking screenshots with Fraps, which is why this shot appeared like this. We're off to a great start! Gameplay hasn't even started and I'm already screwing things up! ;D


Let's talk to the principal from Persona 4 and see where one can become a pirate on this island. It can't be that hard, right? Just fill in a form or something and there we go...




A blind lookout. Fantastic.


"THREEPWOOD. Guybrush THREEPWOOD."


That's the whole reason I washed up on this island, you know. They didn't give me any backstory beyond that, so I just have to go from there.


That means I look tough, right? The last flooring inspector I saw was 6'9", 270 pounds and had a live alligator with him.


Pirate leaders? Where can I find those guys?


Oh, a bar! But I'm too young to go in there, aren't I? I mean... The Scumm Bar? Sounds appropriately piratey, time for a big mug o' grog and cavorting with some busty pirate wenches, yarrrrrr! I really need to work on this stuff if I ever want to become a real pirate.


"I'll do that! Bye now. I'm off to seek my fortune!"


Oh yes. Fame... fortune... riches... women... everything a man could ever want. I'm bound for glory, I can feel it. But before that, we're off to... uh...




Damn these pirates and their bars with names that no one can remember!



Right, let's head to the SCUMM Bar!




The SCUMM Bar... the SCUMM Bar... oh, hey, who is that girl on the poster? She's hot!



Governor Marley, huh? I'd really like to meet this governor. But first, time for some grog! And stuff!


That's gotta be the SCUMM Bar, at least if that giant sign is any indication.


Let's see what kind of a wretched hive of scum(m) and villainy this place is!


Hm. Looks pleasant enough. And by pleasant, I mean it looks like the vilest and smelliest place known to man. Let's see if that pirate in the red jacket can help me, he looks like a man of some importance.


"New in town?"

Hey, this guy is quite friendly. I should introduce myself properly.


"Guybrush Threepwood?"



Hey! You shall NOT insult the great name of Guybrush Threepwood! People have been killed for lesser offenses!


I wonder what this wise guy's name is.


Huh. Figures.



Why, I wanna be a pirate, of course!

"Oh, really? You should go talk to the important-looking pirates in the next room. They're pretty much in charge around here. They can tell you where to go and what to do."

Hooray! Progress! But, umm... I wonder...


I really want to meet her, talk to her for a bit and maybe try that patented Threepwood charm on her... it never fails.



Bah! Yeah, right!


Guybrush Threepwood goes wherever he damn well pleases.

"Whatever you say. Just watch out for those guard dogs!"




That was a very enlightening conversation. Talk to the important pirates in the next room... all right then. But first, let's talk to this other guy!


This one is far less friendly than good old Mancomb.


Seriously! What kind of a bar doesn't even have a DART BOARD?

(Sorry, the text is a bit hard to read there)




"Drinking and darts don't mix."

I can see that.


I guess I should introduce myself to this guy as well.


Hmph. He isn't polite at all. I'm offended.

"Why aren't pirates welcome at the Governor's house?"

"Because of LeChuck, that's why! He's the guy that went to the Governor's for dinner and never wanted to leave!"

LeChuck? Sounds like a nasty guy.


"So he did. Then things really got ugly."

AHHHHHHH!!! I mean...

"What's so scary about this LeChuck guy?"

"LeChuck was a fearsome pirate."

Ah! When I become a pirate, I will be more fearsome than any pirate in history has ever been!


"But a mysterious storm came up and sank his ship, leaving no survivors. We thought that was the end of the fearsome pirate LeChuck."


AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH


I mean... so, what became of LeChuck? He shouldn't cause too many problems when he's dead, you know.


Oh.


Well, crud.


I was wondering why there were so many ships docked outside... maybe that's the reason. Or tonight is karaoke night.


I really have to ask what happened to this guy's eye.


"Hey, wait a second! That's none of your business!"


Hey, check out the pirate with the silly little hat. I need to talk to him before I do anything else.


Cobb, huh? Damn, that's one sweet hat.

Cobb: "Aye."

"So, tell me about LOOM."




<ADVERTISEMENT>




<ADVERTISEMENT>



Hell yeah! I'm buying LOOM right now!


Or maybe not. I don't remember if it's on Steam.


That was fun. Okay, now it's finally time to head to the next room and meet...


...THE IMPORTANT-LOOKING PIRATES. They sure look important, gotta tell you that. Now, what was I doing here again? Oh yeah, now I remember!


This was it, right?

-----

Next time on Let's Play The Secret of Monkey Island: Will Guybrush kill the pirate leaders? Is the dog the most intelligent creature in the SCUMM Bar? What's in the kitchen, and what's the purpose of Ye Olde Rubber Chicken with a Pulley in the Middle Shoppe? Find out when we return with part 2, with more swashbuckling pirate action!

[The Tank]

I most definitely approve of the idea, but that was a bit too long.

You don't have to include every single screen or this is gonna be the longest image LP of all time.

[shiranui]

Aug 12, 2010 17:45:21 GMT -5 The Tank said:

You don't have to include every single screen or this is gonna be the longest image LP of all time.

No, the longest image LP of all time is the Persona 4 one. Point taken, though.

[Dub H]

i would be part of it,but i already played.

[shiranui]

When we last left our hero, he was about to kill the important pirate leaders. How did that turn out for him?

-----
Part 2: Three Trials HD


Pirate #1: "Get lost, boy, you bother us."

Oh. That was anticlimactic. Let's try this again...

"I want to be a pirate."

Pirate #1: "So what?"

Pirate #2: "Why bother us?"

Pirate #3: "Hey, don't forget we're short on help because of this whole LeChuck thing."

Pirate #1: "So?"


Pirate #1: "Hmm... Do you have any special skills?"

Do I have any special skills? Why, I have the most impressive skill known to man! Are you guys sure you're ready to hear it? Your heads may explode from the awesomeness.


Yeah! Not five minutes, not seven minutes or even nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds -- TEN WHOLE MINUTES. You guys won't believe how many chicks this skill got me back in high school!

Pirate #1: "Well... All right, but you don't become a pirate just by ASKING."

Pirate #3: "You'll have to go through..."

Is this gonna be scary?


The three trials?! My God! That's... what are these trials, anyway?

Pirate #2: "There are three trials every pirate must pass."

Pirate #1: "You must master the sword..."

Pirate #2: "...and the art of thievery..."

Pirate #3: "...and the quest."

Pirate #2: "The what?"

The quest? One of the old Sierra adventure games, perhaps?


Oh. That. I knew that, of course. So, what kind of treasure is there on Melee Island^TM?

Pirate #2: "Right. You must prove yourself in each of these three areas: swordplay, thievery, and, er, treasure huntery; then return with proof that you've done it."

Pirate #1: "And then you must drink grog with us!"


Maybe I should have told them I wanted to become a fireman instead. But who cares? This sounds easy enough, especially the part where we all drink grog together. Speaking of which, what's in that grog stuff anyway?


"kerosene
propylene glycol
artificial sweeteners
sulphuric acid
rum
acetone
red dye no. 2
scumm
axle grease
battery acid
and/or pepperoni"

Pirate #2: "As you can probably imagine, it's one of the most caustic, volatile substances known to man."

Pirate #1: "The stuff eats right through these mugs and the cook is losing a fortune replacing them. Har Har Har"

Right. Seems like a very pleasant beverage that is highly nutritious and beneficial to one's health. Looking forward to trying the stuff myself. But let's get down to business, is there anything these guys can tell me about mastering the sword?


I kinda figured out that much.

Pirate #1: "You must seek out and defeat the Sword Master."


This guy? I don't know, he seems pretty tough. Is there anything easier?

Pirate #1: "Someone in town can probably direct you. Oh! You'll want to find someone to train you first."

Pirate #3: "Ha ha. Imagine taking on the Sword Master without any training!"

Pirate #1: "Har Har Har"

I'd rather not. Maybe I'll leave that one for my last trial... So, how about the thievery part, then?

Pirate #2: "We want you to procure a small item for us...

Pirate #1: "The Idol O' Many Hands..."

Pirate #3: "...in the Governor's mansion!"


What? You guys want me to break into the Governor's mansion and steal her stuff? I have a bad feeling about this, she seemed so nice when I saw her... in the picture outside, so maybe that doesn't count. She was hot, though. Yeah. Mancomb said there were guard dogs too, didn't he?

Pirate #1: "You'll have to get past the guards, naturally."

Pirate #3: "The tricky part will be getting past the dogs outside."

Pirate #1: "They're a particularly vicious breed."

Ha, as if a bunch of dogs could stop Guybrush Threepwood, Master Thief. I'll be back with the Idol O' Many Hands before you're finished with those mugs o' grog of yours!


That sounds kind of... unethical. I'm sure I'll be fine. So, how about that treasure huntery?


Oh. Right. I don't suppose you guys have a map to this legendary treasure?

"Should I have a map or something?"

Pirate #1: "Ye can hardly expect to find a treasure without a map!"

Pirate #2: "...and don't forget... X marks the spot!"

Pirate #1: "Har Har Har"


No one makes fun of Guybrush Threepwood!

*beat*

Pirate #1: "To be a pirate ye must also be a foul-smelling, grog-swilling pig."

Ah, I understand now. Thanks for the info, guys, I'm off!

Pirate #1: "Leave us to our grog."

Pirate #2: "Come back later and tell us how ye're doing!"

Well. For a bunch of foul-smelling, grog-swilling pigs, those guys seem like a decent bunch. I wonder what's behind that door...


Whoops! All righty then, I'll just stand here for a moment and admire the interior design of this place.


My chance! The mysteries of that door shall not elude me any longer!


Kitchen? Of course I knew it was the kitchen, what kind of an idiot do you think I am?


Moron. Just to spite that guy, I'm going in there.


Oo! This should help me get past the dogs! Looks like hippopotamus roast. I also steal a pot because the cook was rude to me.


Come on now, birdie bird, gimme that fish, I'm not sure why I think I need it but I'm certain it will come in handy at some point!

"I think that bird will peck my hand off..."



Come to Guybrush, nice red fish. Looks like a herring. Right, time to leave this place before the cook comes back.




Before I exit the SCUMM Bar, I take the time to talk to this charming individual. Yeah... this has been a stimulating conversation, but I gotta go now.


Ooh! Epic narrator voice!



LeChuck: "Ah... There's nothing like the hot winds of hell blowin' in your face."

Bob (yes, his name is Bob): "No sir... Nothing like it... Ah... Sir... I... "


Bob: "Oh yes sir... glad to be dead..."

LeChuck: "Ye are glad to be dead, RIGHT?

Bob: "Oh yes sir. I feel so lucky that you happened to capture my ship, then murdered me and everyone on board... yes sir... lucky."

LeChuck: "Glad to hear it. Now what was it you disturbed me for?"

Bob: "Ah... yes sir... well, you see, we might have a problem on Mêlée Island^TM."

LeChuck: "PROBLEM?!? What possible problem could there be!? I've got those sissy pirates so scared of the sea that they're afraid to take a bath!"

Bob: "Well... There seems to be a new pirate in town. Actually, he's a pirate wannabe. Young. Inexperienced. Probably nothing to worry 'bout. Don't know why I bothered you with it. I'll have him taken care of myself."

LeChuck: "Wait! I'll handle this personally."


Bob: "Yes sir."

-----

Meanwhile, back on Mêlée Island^TM...


Who? What? Where? Who's this character?

"No, but I once had a barber named Dominique."

Man: "Close enough. Let's talk business."


Man: "Only one in existence. Rare. Very rare."

Gee... maybe I could use one. How much is it?


GAH! Money? Of course I don't have any money. I wonder where you can find some money on this island... unless you dig up the treasure, I guess. I seem to find myself in a bit of a predicament here. But I WILL get that money, and then I'll be back!


What? This one?


Oops. Sorry about that. But hey, now that the fearsome beast is gone, maybe we can talk. Apparently, these guys are pirates but because of the whole LeChuck thing, they've been looking for "alternate means of self-support" by trying to start a circus. Of course, the rat scared off the elephant and now that I scared their rat away too, they can't do that. Sounds like a pretty crappy circus anyway, if you ask me. But hey, you guys wouldn't happen to know that guy who sells those maps on the street corner?


I'm sure.

Man of Low Moral Fiber (Pirate): "No, just kidding."


Man of Low Moral Fiber (Pirate): "Can't even GIVE them away. Want one?"

Not particularly, but let's see...


This will work.

Man of Low Moral Fiber (Pirate): "OK, that's fair."

It is? I mean, of course it is. But enough of these clowns, it's time to hit the town and see if there are any job openings posted. I need cash badly if I want that map... and, of course, I also need a sword and a shovel and who knows what else.



Rrrrriiiiight.

-----

Next time: Voodoo and stuff

[Ash Kingston]

Annnnnd... bookmarked for reading and lurking later.

[shiranui]

Part 3: Ooh, a circus!

-----


I wonder what's in here. Maybe they can tell me where I can get a part-time job nearby. I'll take any job if it gets me closer to becoming a pirate... except for exotic dancing... maybe.


Well, it's not the employment office, that's for sure. But hey, what's that on the table? Could it be a real rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle!?


You never know, so better take it with me. I don't think anyone will miss just this one thing...


Why does that sound oddly familiar?


I think I found the owner of that rubber chicken. I should introduce myself, I guess... or not, because the creepy voodoo lady tells me not to say anything, because she can sense that my name is...


Eww. My name might be dumb, but that's just gross.

Voodoo Lady: "No... Threepwood. Guybrush Threepwood. Am I not right?"

"Wow! That was amazing! Do you know any other tricks?"

Voodoo Lady: "I do not deal in tricks. What I know is the truth."

"How much for this keen-looking chicken?"

Voodoo Lady: "Ahhh... I sense the guilt of stealing my chicken grows."

I didn't steal it! I was, uh, taking it out for a walk, that's all!

Voodoo Lady: "Take it. It's yours.

"Why don't you want it? Is it jinxed with an ancient voodoo curse?"

Oh, great. I'm going to turn into a blind cave salamander or something, aren't I?

Voodoo Lady: "No... the pulley squeaks."

"Can you read palms? Am I going to be rich?"

Voodoo Lady: "My mindreading skills tell me it is your future you are interested in. Are you certain this is something you really wish to know?"

"Yes! Tell me everything that's going to happen to me!"

I hate surprises, you know.


GAH!

Voodoo Lady: "...I see you taking a voyage, a long voyage. I see you captaining a ship."

Hey, I think that means I'm actually going to become a pirate! Woo!

"Yeah!"

Voodoo Lady: "I see..."

"What? See what?"

Voodoo Lady: "I see a giant monkey."

"Yikes!"


This is gonna suck.

"Gross."

Voodoo Lady: "Wait... it is all becoming clear. Your journey will have many parts. You will see things better left unseen. You will hear things better left unheard. You will learn things better left unlearned."

I'll learn to write Rule 34 fanfics or something? Yikes.

"What kind of things? I hate surprises."

Voodoo Lady: "NO! The time is not right to know. When you know your purpose, come see me... I will let you know then."


That was interesting, but unless this rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle is worth some cash, I'm not any closer to getting those 100 pieces of eight.


Someone in that dark alley seems to want me to go there. Sure, what could possibly go wrong in such a scenario?

"Hello? Anybody in here? HELLO??"


Bald guy: "And at this time of night, nobody would be around to see it."

Great, I seem to have found another friendly local. This one is giving me some sound advice.


Actually, he's just being kind of a dick.

Bald guy: "So, you're going to give me a little attitude, eh? I'd better get your name."


That's right! A Mighty Pirate!

Baldy: "Listen Peepwood--"

"Threepwood! Guybrush Threepwood!"

Baldy: "Whatever your name is, listen: I'm the sheriff around here. Sheriff Fester Shinetop."

That's appropriate enough...

Shinetop: "Take it from me -- This is a bad time to be visiting Mêlée Island^TM. A very BAD time. My advice to you is to find somewhere else to take your vacation. Somewhere safer."


Not that that miserable git would have any chance of stopping me from becoming a true mighty pirate. A real pirate won't take crap from a sheriff of any kind, let alone a creep like this Shinetop fellow.


"I love a circus!"

Circus, huh? I should check that out once I finish my tour of this town.


That right there should be the Governor's mansion. Let's go see if these ferocious guard dogs are as scary as the pirates warned me they'd be.


Holy CRAP! I knew they were supposed to be vicious, but DAMN! Look at those things! They'll rip me to shreds if I go anywhere near the mansion. Even if I wasn't too petrified to try and give them that hunk of meat, it probably wouldn't distract those guys for very long... looks like Guybrush Threepwood, Master Thief will have to try something else. Such as his unmatched communication skills which help him talk his way through absolutely anything.



Okay, that didn't work. Back to square one, I suppose. I'll be back when I find something that will get rid of these guys.


I go back to Mêlée Town and enter the prison. Hey, the door was open, so why not check the place out? There's this guy in one of the cells who wants me to get him out of there, for he is "a victim of society!"

"Not to mention halitosis. Yuck!"

Prisoner: "Hey, it's hard to keep my breath minty-fresh when there's nothing to eat in here but rats."

Minty-fresh? Hmm, that reminds me, I could really use a breath mint myself.


This seems to be the general store. Let's see if they have breath mints or swords or shovels, I have a grand total of two pieces o' eight, that should buy me... uh, something. Maybe.



All right! Looks expensive, though. I should ring that bell on the counter for service...

*RING*

Storekeeper: "It never fails!"


Storekeeper: "Waddya want?"

I guess I'll just ask if he's got any breath mints... I could really use one.

Storekeeper: "You're telling me! Here take one... please. Take a whole roll! That'll be one piece of eight. What else do you want?"

Well, I got the breath mints. I don't suppose one piece of eight is enough for a sword and a shovel, so I guess I'll just browse for now.


Then again, I think I'll just leave. It's time to see the circus!


Mêlée Island in all its glory. We're heading to that clearing there.


I seem to have found the circus. Let's go in and see what's up.




"You don't have any allergies, you faker. YOU get in the cannon."
"No, YOU get in the cannon!"
"No, YOU get in the cannon!"
"Slacker!"
"Loser!"
"Ruffian!"
"Fop!"
"Weasel!"
"Weevil!"
"Miscreant!"
"Toady!"
"Ne'er-do-well!"
"Scofflaw!"
"Mullet-head!"
"Millet-head!"
"Pencil-head!"
"Half-head!"
"Cheese-head!"
"Harpy!"
"What?"
"Just get in the cannon!"
"No, YOU get in the cannon!"
"No, YOU get in the cannon!"
"Your mother wears combat slippers!"
"Leave our mother out of it! Get in the cannon!
"You're a chicken!"
"You're a dead chicken!"
"Well, you're a dead chicken with a pulley in the middle!"
"What? Just get in the cannon!"
"No, YOU get in the cannon!"
(etc)


This was amusing at first, but it's gone on long enough...


"--A once in a lifetime chance--"
"--To perform an amazing feat--"
"--A death-defying feat--"
"--Well, not so death-defying, really--"
"--A dangerous feat--"
"--No, not dangerous at all--"
"--An easy feat--"
"--But exciting!--"
"--With the Amazing--"
"--Adventurous, Acrobatic--"
"--And Exceedingly Well-Known--"
"--Fabulous, Flying--"
"--Fettucini Brothers!"
"That's us."
"My brother Alfredo--"
"...and my brother Bill."

Uh, sure, I guess. This wouldn't happen to have anything to do with a cannon, would it?

"Sound good?"
"Good."
"It's very simple, really."
"See that cannon over there? All you have to do--"
"--is get in the cannon--"
"--And we'll shoot you out of it--"
"--Across the room--"
"--Quite safe, actually--"
"--So, what do you say?"

Err, I assume these guys will pay me something if I do this, right?


I'll do it! When do I start?

"Have you got a helmet?"

"Of course I have a helmet. What sort of idiot do you take me for?"

"Well, let's have it."
"Wouldn't want you hurt--"
"--Nosiree!"

Of course I don't REALLY have a helmet, I didn't think they'd ask to see it... what should I do now? Ah! I know!


Stealing that pot from the kitchen was a great idea after all!

"Ah, that'll work as a helmet!"
"Now we can do the trick!"
"Step right over here, son."
"Now, put on your helmet--"
"--and get in the cannon--"
"--and we'll take care of the rest."

This cannot possibly fail.


After all, these guys are serious professionals. Just look at them. They would never lie to me.


Let's do this. 478 pieces of eight, here I come!



YAAAAAAA-HO-HO-HO-HOEEEEE



*gah*

"It works!"
"I'm so relieved!"


Woo-er?


"I'm Bobbin. Are you my mother?"

"He's all right!"
"Hooray! We are spared an embarrassing and financially debilitating lawsuit!"
"Here's your money, sir!"
"Just recompense for aiding us."

...Woo-er!


"We just need to change the aim a bit."
"I'll try it next."
"No, I'LL do it next!"
"No, me!"
"No, ME!"
"Slacker!"
"Loser!"
"Ruffian!"
"Fop!"

...Right... I think that's enough of them. I'm going to get out of here before they shoot me out of that cannon again.


In any case, I now have 479 pieces of eight, and that is enough to buy anything I need. And I'm pretty sure I didn't even sustain any permanent brain damage while earning it!

-----

Next time: Shopping spree! WHOOO!

[shiranui]

Part 4: Trolls, Rubber Chickens (with a pulley in the middle) and Talking Skull Tattoos (but no shopping)

-----


Since my debilitating circus-related injuries have almost healed by now (show business is tough, I can say that much), I think it's time to explore the rest of this island. Let's see what that fork leads to.


Hm... a deep dark forest. I guess I'll go just a bit further and then turn back, I'm not going to run around these woods any more than I have to or I'll risk getting lost.


But before I leave, I just have to pick one of these striking yellow flowers. Okay then, time to head back... there were some bright lights in the horizon earlier, and I'll go see what's there. First I need to cross a bridge, though...


Jesus H. Christ! What's this guy doing in a pirate game?

"STOP!! You must pay a toll!"

"Stand aside, troll, I'm a mighty pirate."

"You're no pirate! Why, the town drunk could out-insult you on his back! ...and probably would."


I'm not going to have some King's Quest reject talking crap like that to me! I'm a mighty pirate, you know!

"I once owned a dog that was smarter than you. Take THAT and stick it in your repertoire!"

I'm supposed to stick what in where? How rude!

"You can't pass until you pay the toll!

"How much is the toll!"

"Well, what have you got?"


Hey, it's worth a shot, right?

"I want something that will attract attention, but have no real importance."

Why, looks like we have ourselves a true riddle master here! Let's see... something that will attract attention but have no real importance...


ARM BAR?

"Don't be silly. You have three chances to give me what I want. Then... I eat ya!"

Right... let's give him a breath mint. Lord knows he needs one of those.

"That's pretty useless. But it's not what I want."

The hunk of meat and the yellow flower elicit the same response. Uh... yikes?


"I'm not hungry."

What a lousy troll. Okay, now that I've had my fun, it's time to give him exactly what he wants...



Well, that was easy.




Yes, that's exactly who it looks like. No, his appearance doesn't have anything to do with... well, anything.


Annnnd nobody's around. But since I'm here, I might as well get a drink from that grog machine.


"Diet Grog... Cherry Grog... Grog Classic... Caffeine Free Grog... and Root Beer."

Cool! I'll have a Cherry Grog!


What a vending machine shaped piece of crap! This mechanical abomination of mankind stole my one piece of eight! My money! GIVE IT BACK! ...This is useless. I guess I'll check out the house that was a bit further up from here.


Prices:
Sword Training 30 pieces o' eight
Cannon Firing 160 pieces o' eight (balls extra)
Grappling Hook 130 pieces o' eight (hook extra)

Sweet! Let's do this! I'm gonna be better than the Sword Master!

"I think I'll knock. It'd only be polite."


Hm. This person is certainly not polite at all. And his cigar smoke is bothering me.


Captain Smirk: "Better than the Sword Master?"


Captain Smirk: "Ha ha ha! You could never be HALF the sword fighter Carla is. Even with hours of hard work and sweatin' blood. I remember fighting side-by-side with Carla at Port Royal... the local constabulary had us cornered! It looked like we were done for... --But I digress... You just don't have what it takes."

Oh, so THAT's how it's gonna be, eh? Well, bow down to my almost superhuman debating skills that can and will leave you a broken shell of a man once I'm done!


Captain Smirk: "You do not!"

"I do so!"

Captain Smirk: "You do not!"

"I do so!"


See? No one can defeat Guybrush Threepwood, mighty debater!

Captain Smirk: "Of course... it'll cost you. What have you got?"

"I've got 30 pieces of eight."

Captain Smirk: "Say no more, say no more. Let's see your sword."

Oh yeah, I had the feeling I was forgetting something...


Captain Smirk: "Yes, swinging a rubber chicken with a big metal pulley in it can be quite dangerous... BUT IT'S NOT A SWORD!!!"

"I guess I forgot to buy one."

Captain Smirk: "I suggest you get your sorry butt down to the store and buy one. I'm not in the habit of loaning swords to students."

Fair enough. I'll be back.


Let's check out that island to the northeast before we head back to town.


Hey, they have restrooms. But how do I get over there? I don't think I can just climb across, I'm not a contestant on American Gladiators or anything like that.


This just might be insane enough to work.


All right, chicken, show me what you're made of!



Cool!


Man who looks like Snitsky: "I don't like visitors! Who are you?"

"I'm a pirate, cannonball-head. Who are you?"

Meathook: "My name is Meathook... and I think you've got a little attitude problem."

"Well, I think you've got a little hair problem.

Meathook: "Geeze! You just don't know when to quit, do you?"

"Obviously, neither did your barber."


Oops! I think I made him mad! Run away!


Well, let's try that again.


I wouldn't dream of it! Why would I want to pick a fight with a giant dude with hooks for hands?


Meathook: "Look, I told you not to call me that. My name's Meathook... and you still have a little attitude problem."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you cannonball-head."

Even though I just did... three times. Oh well.

Meathook: "That's okay."


Meathook: "Ha ha ha!"

Hey, don't make fun of the ponytail! How dare you?



Whoops, not this again. Let's try once more, shall we?

.....


There we go.

Meathook: "Hey, you've got a pretty good sense of humor."

...unlike some other people in this room, who shall not be named.

Meathook: "Want to see something really funny?"

"Yes, please show me, Mr. Meat."

Meathook: "Watch this! Say hello, Roger!"


Hey, his tattoo talked! Cool!

Meathook: "Pretty good, eh? I got a whole routine, but I don't have the time to do it all right now. Maybe if we're ever on a long ocean voyage together... but until then I'm a busy man, so..."

"Excuse me, but the sign said there were restrooms in here?"

Meathook: "Sorry, but that sign's a little out of date. I used to have a thriving tourist business here. I had animal acts, tattoo demonstrations, souvenirs..."


Meathook: "...one of our guests was hurt very badly."

Yikes!

Meathook: "So I was shut down, put out of business. And since then I've lived here all alone... and the only company I have is the same beast that mauled that unlucky tourist. The same beast that made me a hermit."


Meathook: "...and left me with these hooks instead of hands... a deformed man. Geeze, now I'm all depressed. Thanks a lot. Can't you just leave me alone now?"

Sure, I'll just be running along then. See you around.




-----

Next time: We actually do that shopping that was mentioned before!

[shiranui]

Part 5: The Most Action-Packed Installment Yet!

-----


Citizen of Mêlée: "Oh, it's only you again. Come back for the map to the Legendary Lost Treasure of Mêlée Island^TM, eh? I hope you brought enough money this time."

"I'll take it. It'll make a swell gift."


"This is no map! It looks like... dancing lessons!"


What the hell! I should punch that guy for selling me something like this... but I won't, I'm not a violent man.


So, about that sword and shovel... they're gonna be all mine. Oh yeah.


I have a feeling this guy is making fun of me. I'll show him. Oh yes, he will see. Now that I've paid 100 pieces of eight for the sword and 75 for the shovel, I'm going to finally become a real Mighty Pirate!


Since I'm around here, I thought I'd go and give a breath mint to the prisoner. He introduces himself as Otis and insists that he is innocent, saying that someone framed him and he never touched those stupid flowers. Uh, flowers? What flowers?


Otis: "It's against the law to pick them."

...Oops. Well, I'll get rid of them soon enough. Don't wanna carry any potentially incriminating evidence around.

"So, how's the food in there?"

Otis: "Oh, you know, the usual... slop, grog, gruel... Rats, bugs, and body lice if I can catch them."

TOO MUCH INFORMATION


Otis: "Actually, the cook at the bar is an old friend of mine, and sometimes he sneaks me food. Like pork trimmings--mostly feet and lips--but once in a while... he brings this really odd rump roast..."

I'm almost afraid to ask, but what's so odd about the rump roast?


...Rrrrriiight. So, uh, can I get you anything?


Otis: "Actually, something to get rid of these rats would be nice. I'd trade you this carrot cake my Aunt Tillie made. I hate carrot cake.

"Sheriff Shinetop sure is a jerk, isn't he?"

Otis: "No kidding. Fester Shinetop is the meanest man on Mêlée Island^TM. Luckily, the Governor keeps him in check most of the time. We used to have a fair, decent man for a sheriff - but he recently died under mysterious circumstances."


Shinetop: "I think you've said enough, Otis!

Otis: "Whoops."

Shinetop: "I hope you haven't been taking this filthy vagrant too seriously. He'd say anything to avoid paying his debt to society."


Seriously! It's rude to interrupt a conversation like that, Sheriff Shinetop!


Shinetop: "Or I'll gladly lock you up in there with Otis... then you'd have plenty of time for private conversation."

"Sorry."

Wait, why am I apologizing? I've done nothing wrong or illegal! In particular, I haven't done anything related to those flowers and I most certainly am not carrying one with me right now!

Shinetop: "Look, I don't know what you're up to... but whatever it is, it's probably illegal. So forget it. Wherever you go on Mêlée, I'll be watching. And if you try any monkey business, you'll end up in here for good."

Good old Fester, friendly as ever. I guess it's time for me to leave this place before I actually get locked up.


Hello again, vicious piranha poodles. Have I got a treat for you guys this time! The very finest meat (or meatlike substance) from the kitchen of the SCUMM Bar, with some nutritious herbs mixed in for that added flavor!




Err... oops. I hope the flowers weren't quite THAT powerful...


Oh, good! I couldn't look at myself in the mirror any more if I had brought harm to these poor dogs... these poor, man-eating dogs...


Another triumph for Le Guybrush Noir, Mastair Thif... err, Guybrush Threepwood, Master Thief.


So. I got inside the mansion and took a look at the main hall. This big door at the top of the stairs seems to be locked, so I need to find another way to the Idol of Many Hands. There was another door near the entrance, so let's check that out.


Well, it was open... but I have a bad feeling about this.




Why does this guy not leave me alone?! Be right back, I forgot something...



URRGH! Eat priceless Ming vase, Sheriff Shinetop!


How did that get in here?


What red button? This one?


Oooooh, that's gotta hurt, Fester!


Pictured: The greatest use of a parser ever.


What? It was the only way to remove the wax lips!


GAH!


"I'll need this."




Got the wax lips, that means I'm one step closer to victory!

"Acck! ...gophers!"

Pick up gopher repellent
Use gopher repellent with gopher
Use gopher repellent with another gopher


How many of these things are there? AHH! WHO'S THAT GUY?


EAT GOPHER REPELLENT, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN (above: second best use of a parser ever)


All right, there's the idol... now I only need to open that huge lock. Won't happen unless I have a file... uh oh, looks like someone is back and is pissed!



Just GIVE UP already, Shinetop!


So now I only need that file. If I understood the stuff Otis was saying, I'm pretty sure I know where I can find one.


So, I give him the gopher repellent and... HOLY CRAP this cake is HEAVY. I know carrots are good for you and you become strong when you eat them (or was that spinach?) but this isn't normal! Let's see what's inside this thing!


I knew it. I guess I could free Otis, but I don't want to wear the file out before I get the idol, so I suppose he can wait for a bit longer. Alright, let's roll, Guybrush Threepwood, Master Thief has a fabulous idol to steal!




throw wax lips in fire
Use file on rhinoceros toenails
Use file on lock
Pick up fabulous idol


All right! Got the idol! Oh... looks like someone's back up after that unprotected chairshot!




Um... Ouch. That was a close call. But hey, I'm fine, and I have the idol!


Oh, bloody hell.

Shinetop: "Thought you could get out of here with the Idol of Many Hands, did you?"

"Look, I can explain..."

Shinetop: "So can I -- You poisoned the Governor's pet poodles..."

"They're only sleeping!"

Shinetop: "...broke into her house..."

"The door was unlocked!"

Shinetop: "...and stole one of her most valuable pieces of art!"

"No, you've got it all wrong!"

Shinetop: "Oh really? Well, let's hear your explanation."


Yeah!

Shinetop: "Ha!"


Shinetop: "I caught this hoodlum making off with your idol, Governor."

It wasn't like THAT! I was just borrowing it! What kind of a pervert do you think I am, I would never make out with an inanimate object!

Shinetop: "He says it belongs in a museum!"

I'm not sure, but I think I might be screwed...


Huh? I'm not screwed?

Shinetop: "What?"

Governor Marley: "You heard me, Fester. The real question is, how did he get in here while you were on guard?"

Shinetop: "I... Uh..."

Governor Marley: "Just go away, Fester. I can handle this."


Anytime, chrome dome. Now piss off, I'm about to have myself a nice talk with this beautiful lady.


Governor Marley: "He's new. I'm Governor Marley..."


Wow... all right, Guybrush, this is it. You're a smooth bastard, the ladies simply can't resist you.

Elaine: "So, my idol belongs in a museum, eh?"

Say something! Something cool!


Stupid! STUPID!

Elaine: "Relax, Mr. Threepwood. I know why you're here. Believe me, you're not the first who's tried. Although, I have to admit, not many get as far as you have."

All right, she's warming up! Now put that patented Threepwood charm to work and she'll be yours!


...Dammit!

Elaine: "My lookout told me of your arrival. I've wanted to meet you ever since I first heard your fascinating name. Tell me, Guybrush, why do you want to be a pirate? You don't look like one. Your face is too... sweet."

All right, THIS is it. Now, say SOMETHING smooth, she's practically ready to take her clothes off right now and is just waiting for you to make your move! Work that Threepwood charm!


........F***!!


Elaine: "Well, you're obviously not in the mood for idle chitchat, are you? I suppose you've got many more exciting things to do. I won't take up any more of your time, Mr. Threepwood."

Guybrush, you moron.


"Mfrnkf? Dmnkly... -sigh- I really wish I knew how to talk to women."


Well, I might not have gotten the girl, but I did get the treasure. Now I'll just take that to the pirate leaders and...


Oh, f*** this.


I'm really not in the mood to grapple with you again.

Shinetop: "I think you need to cool off. Hand over your sword."

Well, this sucks.


Shinetop: "Your troublemaking days on Mêlée Island^TM are over. My plans for the Governor are far too important... and much too near completion... to risk letting a would-be pirate like you get in the way. So long, Mr. Spicecake, or Droopface, or whatever your name is."

Hey, you better not do anything questionable to Governor Marley! If you do, you shall face my wrath!


...ah...


...Crap.

Shinetop: "Hmmm... "


I can hear Shinetop walk away. What a creep...


...Of course, I have slightly bigger problems to worry about right now. He threw me in here with my leg tied to the heavy golden idol, and I can't reach any of the bladed weapons that are scattered around.


Well, I still have nine minutes or so to get myself out of this situation. No hurry...

-----

[shiranui]

I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think this thread has failed rather miserably. Let's Plays just don't work on this forum unless Pokémon are involved, it seems.

In any case... if there is anyone reading this (there isn't) who has NOT played Monkey Island 1, I have a question for you:

How would you solve the current puzzle in order to save Guybrush from a watery grave?

[Ash Kingston]

Ooh, I'm someone (you JERK), and I fall into the "never played this" category!

Um... okay, let's see what should be in range...

The scissors? Are the scissors reachable? Maybe that cleaver near the scissors?

...can he untie the rope?

[shiranui]

None of the sharp objects are reachable, and the rope can't be untied because good old Fester tied it up really tight or whatever. Also, our inventory is mostly the same as in this screenshot:


We no longer have the stuff in the bottom row and Fester took our sword, so we can't cut the rope with that.

[Ash Kingston]

Hmm... it's probably gonna be something unexpected... so either the staple remover or the shovel. Or the pulley, although I doubt that's the answer.

[shiranui]

Well, before I post the next update sometime tomorrow (right now I need some sleep so I won't be posting it just yet... actually, I'm hoping you can guess the correct way to solve this puzzle before I post the update - the solution is completely logical), here's what happens if you let the ten minutes (in case you forgot, Guybrush can hold his breath for ten minutes) run out...




Yeah. This is the only time in the game Guybrush can actually die, forcing you to load your previous save.


Here's the original version of the scene. The Special Edition version adds a couple of new actions you can select from the verb menu (although they do nothing) but omits my personal favorite, "Order Hint Book" for some reason.

[Ash Kingston]

...hrrm...

Wait... can you pick up the idol?

[shiranui]

Sorry, the latest update is taking a while because I decided there simply has to be an EPIC SWORDFIGHTING MONTAGE - and for that, I need some sort of decent video capture software that does not cost an arm and a leg. I suppose registering FRAPS would be the easiest, as it at least works without too much hassle (I tested, it records both video and audio easily, the unregistered version only records for 30 seconds though). I tried Debut Video Capture as well, but for some reason it would stop recording after 15 seconds... so now I'll either register FRAPS, try to get Debut to work properly or look for another program.

I'm taking this stuff far too seriously, aren't I? There's approximately one person reading this LP (I probably should just piss off to a certain other LP message board, where I'd at least get dozens of negative comments for my efforts ;D), and I'm thinking about paying real money so I can capture video for this thing...

[Ash Kingston]

Hey!

At least I'm a cool person for reading it! You gotta give me that much!

[Demented]

I've been reading this..

Harley: Liar.

Okay... I just started reading. Better?

Harley: Yes.

So... you now have three fans.

[shiranui]

Part 6: Guybrush is Saved! Well Written and Completely Believable Romance Ensues! And We Go Treasure Hunting!

---


Nick: "Did it involve that big knife you've got there?"
Felony Guy: "Yeah! What should I do with it?"
Nick: "Get rid of it!"
Felony Guy: "I'll throw it in the water!"

Yes! Do it! Do it now! Throw the damn thing!


Shut up!

Felony Guy: "Why not? I need to ditch it!"
Nick: "It might wash up somewhere!"
Felony Guy: "What do I care? MY prints won't be on it! I'm throwing it in!"

Yeah! I'm saved!


Felony Guy: "See you."
Nick: "See you."

YOU ASSHATS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? I NEED HELP HERE, YOU KNOW! If I could, I'd throw this fabulous doorstop... uh, idol at you!


...Hey... now there's an idea.


True story: The first time I played this game years ago and got to this part, I instantly picked up the idol and didn't even really realize there was supposed to be a puzzle here. I thought it was incredibly obvious. Since Guybrush obviously has infinite storage space in his pants, the solution is entirely consistent with the game's logic.


Fester took my sword, so I'm gonna need a new one. This one will do fine, it appears to be just like the one I had.



Elaine: "You're alive!"

"Governor!"

Elaine: "Hey, you can talk! Who'd have known?"

"What are YOU doing here? Come to finish the job?"

Elaine: "No, I came down here to save your life. Fester wasn't acting on MY orders when he threw you in there."

Oh, good, at least there is somebody in this town who doesn't want me dead...


"I didn't even think you liked me."

Elaine: "Well, our first meeting was a little awkward... You seemed to have trouble forming complete sentences. But, then again, so do most of my citizens."

"But I'm not one of your citizens..."


"Who would have known, or even cared, if you'd let me drown?"

Elaine: "I would have, Guybrush."

Heh?


Elaine: "Oh, Threepwood..."

"Oh, Elaine..."

Elaine: "Oh, Guybrush..."

(I have a feeling George Lucas used this scene for inspiration when he was putting together the romance subplot of Attack of the Clones, except I don't think he realized this was intentionally bad.)




(I haven't done anything to these screenshots. This is how it actually goes. And it's hilarious.)




What? What did I do wrong now?

Elaine: "Not here, where everyone can see us."

"Why? Are you ashamed of me?"

Elaine: "No, no, it's not that at all... It's just that many of these pirates have made advances towards me. And to avoid hurting their feelings, I've always told them that my father made me promise never to fall in love with a pirate. If they see us together, they'll know I was lying."

Oh.

"Okay then, let's go to your place."

Elaine: "Okay."

Yes! Here we go! Hit the music!




*record needle scratch* What?

Elaine: "I don't want you to be... preoccupied."


"...quickly."

All right, let's get to it. Since I have a feeling the swordfighting will be the hardest part (and I need to prepare that epic montage), I think we ought to start with finding the Legendary Lost Treasure of Mêlée Island^TM. But first, let's give this idol to the pirate leaders so I don't have to carry it around.


There you go. Do whatever you wish with it, I never want to see that thing again.


I'll be done with these stupid trials before you know it.


Let's head to the woods. I have a good feeling about this.


Back... Left... Right... hmm. Perhaps this map isn't a sham after all.


Back...


...left...

...right...

(etc)


Well, that was easy. It appears there's a sign of some sort over there, let's check that out.


"...well, you'll just have to dig it up to believe it. (Paid for by the Mêlée Island^TM Chamber of Commerce.)"

Score! Looks like I found where the treasure is buried.



"Remember, there are other pirates on this island. SO GO EASY ON THE TREASURE. Leave some for the next person."

Bah! I'm Guybrush Threepwood, mighty treasure hunter! The Legendary Lost Treasure of Mêlée Island^TM shall be mine, all mine! Let's get digging!

"This shouldn't take too long."




Yeah!

"Not my size, but a nice one nonetheless. Well, I guess I should put all this dirt back now."



Cute. Now I'll just take this to the pirate leaders, and I'm done with two of the three trials.


They tell me to keep the "chic T-shirt", 'cause they have plenty. Fair enough.

I have a sword... and now it's time I learn how to use it. Let's go to Captain Smirk's place. I'm not going to waste any more time than I need to, I have more important things waiting for me.


Captain Smirk: "...why don't you whip that sword out and let's see what you can do with it."

*swoosh swoosh*

Captain Smirk: "Boy!"

Impressive, huh?"


I guess not.

Captain Smirk: I usually don't waste my time with vermin like yourself. But seeing as this LeChuck thing has put a cramp on business, I've got no choice... I need the money."


Vermin, huh? Check out these moves!

Captain Smirk: "Yes..."


Captain Smirk: "Just want you to know... I don't do this with everyone. It's only because I feel that special... student mentor pieces-of-eight bonding... that I'm going to these lengths."

Ah! I knew it! He's a nice and thoughtful guy after all!

Captain Smirk: "I'm going to put you up against... THE MACHINE"


"Is this going to hurt?"




------

Next time: Even Rocky had a montage

[shiranui]

Ah! My epic swordfighting montage is finished! And it's really, really bad, but who cares? Look forward to the next update! ;D

In the meantime, here's the classic "stump joke" from the original floppy disk version of the game... it's, unfortunately, not in the CD or Special Edition versions, if you don't count fanmade patches (one of which is depicted in this video).