Am I overreacting here?

[Munkie91087]

So about 2 months ago, I entered in my first relationship in a long time. I've usually been of the belief that they honestly don't work, but that's a whole other story.

Last night I was at a party, nothing too fancy, just some friends and alcohol. I freely admit, I am not touchy feely and PDA kind of grosses me out. My girlfriend knows this, but obviously when alcohol is involved, people get handsy. So she kept trying to get really close and put her hands all over me. Even in my slightly tipsy stage, I still don't like PDA, I am just not wired that way. She knew this going into the relationship, as I made it very clear from the start, that we can't be one of those all over each other couples, I just can't function that way. She said she completely understood and didn't have a problem with it.

Anyway, my girlfriend obviously was drinking too, and was fairly drunk, not fall all over herself, sloppy drunk, but enough to be giddy and laughing. During the course of the party, she was talking to a very good friend of mine, which I thought was perfectly acceptable, they both like hockey a lot and talked about that. During the course of the evening, they got cozier and cozier, until they were cuddling, and I mean arms wrapped around each other and rubbing each others arms kind of cuddling.

I didn't say anything during the party, because I didn't want to make any scene. Friends kept coming up and telling me that my girlfriend and friend cuddling was making them pretty uncomfortable, and I should do something about it, but what am I gonna do? Challenge him to a fight?

Today, I wake up to a couple apology texts from both of them. The excuse being they were drunk and just wanted to cuddle with someone. Her especially, she mentioned she is a very affectionate drunk, and was disappointed she couldn't get it from me. So, she just thought it was perfectly innocent cuddling with my friend. I mentioned to her it was very upsetting to see her doing that, because it is my friend, and I just don't really think that's cool of either of them,

So my question to all of you, is am I overreacting? Or do I have a legit gripe and reason to be upset?

[Legion]

You do. It isnt great that she was hugging another guy, especially your friend, and you have every right to feel a little bit put out by that.

But so does she. OK, you don't like PDA and all that jazz, but would it have killed you to give the girl a hug?

[Munkie91087]

Jul 2, 2011 13:00:13 GMT -5 Legion said:

You do. It isnt great that she was hugging another guy, especially your friend, and you have every right to feel a little bit put out by that.

But so does she. OK, you don't like PDA and all that jazz, but would it have killed you to give the girl a hug?

I didn't completely ignore her. During the course of the evening we hugged a lot, and kissed a few times. I don't mind the small, quick, hey I am glad you're here signs of affection, it's just the all over each other kind of stuff. The only thing I really didn't do was actually lay with her on the couch. When I am at a party, I like to move around and not be too stuck to one place. Plus, the apartment was extremely hot.

I probably could have made more of an effort, but I thought the little things were enough.

[unc40]

The "I'm sorry but I was drunk" apology never holds any weight with me. There not sorry at all or they wouldn't be blaming booze on the situation.

[Legion]

Jul 2, 2011 13:04:55 GMT -5 Munkie91087 said:

Jul 2, 2011 13:00:13 GMT -5 Legion said:

You do. It isnt great that she was hugging another guy, especially your friend, and you have every right to feel a little bit put out by that.

But so does she. OK, you don't like PDA and all that jazz, but would it have killed you to give the girl a hug?

I didn't completely ignore her. During the course of the evening we hugged a lot, and kissed a few times. I don't mind the small, quick, hey I am glad you're here signs of affection, it's just the all over each other kind of stuff. The only thing I really didn't do was actually lay with her on the couch. When I am at a party, I like to move around and not be too stuck to one place. Plus, the apartment was extremely hot.

I probably could have made more of an effort, but I thought the little things were enough.

Ah, well tha's different then. In that case, you can be pissy with them. On saying that, they apologised, move past it.

If it happens again, challenge him to a fight

[Viva]

You should tell that girl to act like a god damn adult instead of trying to make you jealous because of one of your personality traits.

You should tell your friend to have a little more god damn respect for you.

And you should tell both of them that if they're in the business of hurting you or making you feel dejected like that, then they'll quickly be replaced.

I'm sorry, that's some high school f***ing bullshit. You didn't sign up for it, and you sure as shit shouldn't put up with it.

[noleafclover1980]

You do have a right to be upset, but also... dude, don't be a pussy like that. I mean that in the nicest way possible lol. Now, I'm not saying you need to pick a fight with your friend, but walking up and just saying something will get the job done. Just standing around being mad about it helps no one.

[King Ghidorah]

You didn't react enough in my opinion, a swift separation of the two would have worked. Or a swift kick in the ass.

[Deleted]

I definitely wouldn't have started a fight or anything, but you definitely should have had a few choice words for the both of them. Don't tolerate that kind of stuff.

[Munkie91087]

Jul 2, 2011 13:45:47 GMT -5 noleafclover1980 said:

You do have a right to be upset, but also... dude, don't be a pussy like that. I mean that in the nicest way possible lol. Now, I'm not saying you need to pick a fight with your friend, but walking up and just saying something will get the job done. Just standing around being mad about it helps no one.

I get what you're saying, and I honestly probably should have been like hey, you two, stop that. Usually I am pretty quick to action, but I just kind of froze. No idea why. Partly because I didn't want to ruin another friend's 21st birthday. I'm not passive aggressive either. I straight up told both of them my gripe, but I am not overly aggressive either, in the sense that I felt the need to take immediate action.

Something just kept me from doing anything, maybe I was just drunk enough that I knew I'd probably cause trouble if I went over there. I don't know. Just feels really immature to me. I'm 23, she's 21. We're not 16 and 15, here. I guess I just expected her to police herself. I am all for taking care of someone I care about if they're too drunk to function, but I didn't think I'd have to watch her to prevent her from being extremely close with someone else, much less a great friend of mine.

[RatedRKoffee]

Sure anybody would be upset it's just natural. BUT I really think you should just take the apology at face value and get over it. If this becomes a regular thing, either her being clingy with your friend or other guys in general then you can get pissed and walk away. One of my female friends with a serious boyfriend gets real affectionate and clingy with me while drunk, she even kissed me right in front of him once. She won't give me the time of day when she's sober though.

[ThereIsNoAbsurdistOnlyZuul]

Jul 2, 2011 12:48:04 GMT -5 Munkie91087 said:

So about 2 months ago, I entered in my first relationship in a long time. I've usually been of the belief that they honestly don't work, but that's a whole other story.

Last night I was at a party, nothing too fancy, just some friends and alcohol. I freely admit, I am not touchy feely and PDA kind of grosses me out. My girlfriend knows this, but obviously when alcohol is involved, people get handsy. So she kept trying to get really close and put her hands all over me. Even in my slightly tipsy stage, I still don't like PDA, I am just not wired that way. She knew this going into the relationship, as I made it very clear from the start, that we can't be one of those all over each other couples, I just can't function that way. She said she completely understood and didn't have a problem with it.

Anyway, my girlfriend obviously was drinking too, and was fairly drunk, not fall all over herself, sloppy drunk, but enough to be giddy and laughing. During the course of the party, she was talking to a very good friend of mine, which I thought was perfectly acceptable, they both like hockey a lot and talked about that. During the course of the evening, they got cozier and cozier, until they were cuddling, and I mean arms wrapped around each other and rubbing each others arms kind of cuddling.

I didn't say anything during the party, because I didn't want to make any scene. Friends kept coming up and telling me that my girlfriend and friend cuddling was making them pretty uncomfortable, and I should do something about it, but what am I gonna do? Challenge him to a fight?

Today, I wake up to a couple apology texts from both of them. The excuse being they were drunk and just wanted to cuddle with someone. Her especially, she mentioned she is a very affectionate drunk, and was disappointed she couldn't get it from me. So, she just thought it was perfectly innocent cuddling with my friend. I mentioned to her it was very upsetting to see her doing that, because it is my friend, and I just don't really think that's cool of either of them,

So my question to all of you, is am I overreacting? Or do I have a legit gripe and reason to be upset?

Okay, so I will actually be serious for once, in one of these threads.

1. How old are you? This is a serious question.

2. Okay, you don't like PDAs, does she? If yes, then why must she be the one to completely give in to your wishes? Shouldn't there be an effort to reach a compromise? A person doesn't grow when they exist solely within their comfort zone.

3. Generally the psychology of that behavior in a social setting was your girl wanted you to display a small level of possessiveness. It comes with a new relationship. Essentially you were supposed to demonstrate through physical action and just body language that she was yours. In new relationships this desire is more pronounced, because... it's new, unsteady, all the quirks and compromises haven't been ironed out. And this was a social setting, so essentially the PDAs were to be a subtle way to inform everyone there that you were together.

4. Your aversion to PDAs is probably a shame thing. The downside it probably creates a feeling of distance. Get over the PDA thing. It wont kill you, the worst that happens is you get red faced because you got caught up in a moment. This is going to be useful if you are dating women that don't mind or actually like PDAs.

5. This leads me to this question: Have you have sex yet? Much like the age question, I need greater context for giving you a good response, as all I have in this scenario is your story. And you admit that you had alcohol too, or at least it is inferred in what you wrote.

6.
Yes, you have a gripe. And you made an error. If you want the relationship to work you will have exhibit the ability to compromise, EVEN on PDAs. And you will have to be able to communicate. While she AND YOUR FRIEND are culpable ending up near dryhumping, you let it happen too. Express your dislike for what happened, IN PERSON to her face. Acknowledge your missteps, and that you need to and want to work on. And for Zeus' sake, say something to your friend about it too. Again, to his face.

[Ghostorm]

1. The drunk excuse is complete bulls***
2. If that happened to me i would have made one HELL of a scene at the party...
3. I would never feel 100% comfortable having my friend and girlfriend be around each other after that.
4. You are not overreacting at all... instead you severely underreacted!

[Munkie91087]

Jul 2, 2011 14:20:01 GMT -5 ThereIsNoAbsurdistOnlyZuul said:

Jul 2, 2011 12:48:04 GMT -5 Munkie91087 said:

So about 2 months ago, I entered in my first relationship in a long time. I've usually been of the belief that they honestly don't work, but that's a whole other story.

Last night I was at a party, nothing too fancy, just some friends and alcohol. I freely admit, I am not touchy feely and PDA kind of grosses me out. My girlfriend knows this, but obviously when alcohol is involved, people get handsy. So she kept trying to get really close and put her hands all over me. Even in my slightly tipsy stage, I still don't like PDA, I am just not wired that way. She knew this going into the relationship, as I made it very clear from the start, that we can't be one of those all over each other couples, I just can't function that way. She said she completely understood and didn't have a problem with it.

Anyway, my girlfriend obviously was drinking too, and was fairly drunk, not fall all over herself, sloppy drunk, but enough to be giddy and laughing. During the course of the party, she was talking to a very good friend of mine, which I thought was perfectly acceptable, they both like hockey a lot and talked about that. During the course of the evening, they got cozier and cozier, until they were cuddling, and I mean arms wrapped around each other and rubbing each others arms kind of cuddling.

I didn't say anything during the party, because I didn't want to make any scene. Friends kept coming up and telling me that my girlfriend and friend cuddling was making them pretty uncomfortable, and I should do something about it, but what am I gonna do? Challenge him to a fight?

Today, I wake up to a couple apology texts from both of them. The excuse being they were drunk and just wanted to cuddle with someone. Her especially, she mentioned she is a very affectionate drunk, and was disappointed she couldn't get it from me. So, she just thought it was perfectly innocent cuddling with my friend. I mentioned to her it was very upsetting to see her doing that, because it is my friend, and I just don't really think that's cool of either of them,

So my question to all of you, is am I overreacting? Or do I have a legit gripe and reason to be upset?

Okay, so I will actually be serious for once, in one of these threads.

1. How old are you? This is a serious question.

2. Okay, you don't like PDAs, does she? If yes, then why must she be the one to completely give in to your wishes? Shouldn't there be an effort to reach a compromise? A person doesn't grow when they exist solely within their comfort zone.

3. Generally the psychology of that behavior in a social setting was your girl wanted you to display a small level of possessiveness. It comes with a new relationship. Essentially you were supposed to demonstrate through physical action and just body language that she was yours. In new relationships this desire is more pronounced, because... it's new, unsteady, all the quirks and compromises haven't been ironed out. And this was a social setting, so essentially the PDAs were to be a subtle way to inform everyone there that you were together.

4. Your aversion to PDAs is probably a shame thing. The downside it probably creates a feeling of distance. Get over the PDA thing. It wont kill you, the worst that happens is you get red faced because you got caught up in a moment. This is going to be useful if you are dating women that don't mind or actually like PDAs.

5. This leads me to this question: Have you have sex yet? Much like the age question, I need greater context for giving you a good response, as all I have in this scenario is your story. And you admit that you had alcohol too, or at least it is inferred in what you wrote.

6.
Yes, you have a gripe. And you made an error. If you want the relationship to work you will have exhibit the ability to compromise, EVEN on PDAs. And you will have to be able to communicate. While she AND YOUR FRIEND are culpable ending up near dryhumping, you let it happen too. Express your dislike for what happened, IN PERSON to her face. Acknowledge your missteps, and that you need to and want to work on. And for Zeus' sake, say something to your friend about it too. Again, to his face.

23-years-old. PDA just makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't mind showing affection in private. I don't know if it's shame, because I wasn't raise in a house of shame.

Also, yeah I've had sex before. I just haven't been in an actual relationship in a few years. I went the simply going for one-night-stand route for a couple years after my last serious relationship ended badly. I am not an introverted, never been with a girl kind of guy. This isn't one of those threads where I am such an awkward person that I don't know how to deal with women.

I get the territorial thing, but I am not a piece of land here. PDA no matter who is doing always makes me uncomfortable. I like showing affection when we're alone. Whether it be making out, having sex, cuddling, what have you. I don't hate being touched. In social settings, however, I don't feel like it's the place for it. I am at a party, and I don't like the feeling of having to "show off my coupledom." She knows how I feel, and I didn't think I needed to show that off. None of my relationships ever had an overt amount of PDA.

I am not against showing little forms of affection. We kissed a few times during the evening, we hugged, we danced. I am not some, please never, ever touch me guy. Wasn't the message I was trying to convey. I just don't like being in a public setting, sitting and cuddling. One, it's hot in the apartment, two, I have other friends at the party, as does she. It just seems awkward to be cuddling with her, while trying to carry on a conversation with a friend of mine. Because if I just cuddle with her, and spend the entire night talking to her, I am ignoring my friends in favor of the new girlfriend. You see what I am getting at?

[ThereIsNoAbsurdistOnlyZuul]

Jul 2, 2011 14:30:38 GMT -5 Munkie91087 said:

Jul 2, 2011 14:20:01 GMT -5 ThereIsNoAbsurdistOnlyZuul said:

Okay, so I will actually be serious for once, in one of these threads.

1. How old are you? This is a serious question.

2. Okay, you don't like PDAs, does she? If yes, then why must she be the one to completely give in to your wishes? Shouldn't there be an effort to reach a compromise? A person doesn't grow when they exist solely within their comfort zone.

3. Generally the psychology of that behavior in a social setting was your girl wanted you to display a small level of possessiveness. It comes with a new relationship. Essentially you were supposed to demonstrate through physical action and just body language that she was yours. In new relationships this desire is more pronounced, because... it's new, unsteady, all the quirks and compromises haven't been ironed out. And this was a social setting, so essentially the PDAs were to be a subtle way to inform everyone there that you were together.

4. Your aversion to PDAs is probably a shame thing. The downside it probably creates a feeling of distance. Get over the PDA thing. It wont kill you, the worst that happens is you get red faced because you got caught up in a moment. This is going to be useful if you are dating women that don't mind or actually like PDAs.

5. This leads me to this question: Have you have sex yet? Much like the age question, I need greater context for giving you a good response, as all I have in this scenario is your story. And you admit that you had alcohol too, or at least it is inferred in what you wrote.

6.
Yes, you have a gripe. And you made an error. If you want the relationship to work you will have exhibit the ability to compromise, EVEN on PDAs. And you will have to be able to communicate. While she AND YOUR FRIEND are culpable ending up near dryhumping, you let it happen too. Express your dislike for what happened, IN PERSON to her face. Acknowledge your missteps, and that you need to and want to work on. And for Zeus' sake, say something to your friend about it too. Again, to his face.

23-years-old. PDA just makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't mind showing affection in private. I don't know if it's shame, because I wasn't raise in a house of shame.

Also, yeah I've had sex before. I just haven't been in an actual relationship in a few years. I went the simply going for one-night-stand route for a couple years after my last serious relationship ended badly. I am not an introverted, never been with a girl kind of guy. This isn't one of those threads where I am such an awkward person that I don't know how to deal with women.

I get the territorial thing, but I am not a piece of land here. PDA no matter who is doing always makes me uncomfortable. I like showing affection when we're alone. Whether it be making out, having sex, cuddling, what have you. I don't hate being touched. In social settings, however, I don't feel like it's the place for it. I am at a party, and I don't like the feeling of having to "show off my coupledom." She knows how I feel, and I didn't think I needed to show that off. None of my relationships ever had an overt amount of PDA.

I am not against showing little forms of affection. We kissed a few times during the evening, we hugged, we danced. I am not some, please never, ever touch me guy. Wasn't the message I was trying to convey. I just don't like being in a public setting, sitting and cuddling. One, it's hot in the apartment, two, I have other friends at the party, as does she. It just seems awkward to be cuddling with her, while trying to carry on a conversation with a friend of mine. Because if I just cuddle with her, and spend the entire night talking to her, I am ignoring my friends in favor of the new girlfriend. You see what I am getting at?

Okay, I am not talking hiking up a leg and peeing on her to mark your territory, but you are supposed to be more affectionate early on in relationships. f***, just have a hand casually at the small of her back.

Touch is a form of emotional reinforcement. It is possible she was nervous. But that's what the possessive thing was, you reinforcing that you are two are together. It is not done for the benefit of the audience, they are irrelevant in this scenario, it was solely for the girl.

But I am not flexible on this: GET OVER YOUR PDA ISSUE. You've said it is strictly a comfort level thing. And in general when you are uncomfortable with something like that, then it's because you feel ashamed, or embarrassed about it. I am not saying it's gonna be an easy thing to overcome, but it is not a permanent facet of your personality. I am not asking for you to bend her over in public, and people may have been uncomfortable with some other dude snuggling with your girl, but they would have been more accepting of people who JUST got into a relationship getting cozy with some booze in them. Besides, you're 23, odds are you will be in other relationships in the future. And more to the point, you have to bend to the wishes of whatever partner you do. If that means PDAs, cooking classes together, watching Chick-Flicks, whatever.

As for the possessive thing, it's a throwback to our animal instincts, that's it. Like I said, the audience is irrelevant. The PDAs for really JUST for her.

And the fact is that it's OKAY to ignore your friends in favor of the new girl. Most of the time your relationship with your friends are more firmly established, the boundaries and quirks of them are known. Not so much with the new significant other. In general you expect people to disappear into their new relationship for awhile.

And, you could have confronted her during the party, without causing an issue. In that case, it's a simple matter of interjecting, and leading her away. But then, handling drunk people, and especially drunk significant others is a skill you pick up, and you have to learn it for every new person.

[The Booty Disciple]

You and she need to talk about this and find an acceptable compromise. Being uncomfortable is all well and good (and I sympathize, since I'm much the same way, particularly when alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down), so it's simply better to discuss what you are and are not comfortable with from both sides.

Insofar as your friend goes, this isn't an issue of PDA, this is an issue of boundaries. Again, a discussion about what is and is not acceptable for her to do with other persons is needed. I was lucky enough when working at the bar to have a girlfriend who didn't mind when I'd hug some females that were either regulars I knew well or old friends, maybe even get a peck on the cheek from them, and I was comfortable with her around all the other guys in the joint. Being the head bouncer, it came with the territory for me. However, we'd had a discussion about what was and wasn't going to be groovy. There were no black and white rules, but generally it came down to knowing EACH OTHER well enough to know the comfort level of the other. If we had to ask, it wasn't worth the worry.

Boundaries need to be clear for both of you. Boundaries need to be based on mutual input and consideration of each other, not a one sided issue. Same thing with your friend. He needs to understand what is and is not acceptable for you.

If you guys are entering into a committed relationship, these are the sort of discussions you should be having. Otherwise, you kids are bound to have more difficulties through lack of communication.

[Munkie91087]

I didn't just ignore her the entire night and never ever touch her. Like I said, we kissed, we danced, and several times during the evening I did small signs of affection. I am not against that. The only thing I dislike massive PDA. Why should I have to cuddle at a party in a small, crowded, hot apartment? I really don't feel shame in the scenario. As much as it is just don't feel the need to have to show off how much of a couple we are.

I told her when we got together, I am not overly touchy feely. One, and I am not ashamed of this, I get sweaty, I just have a pretty decent amount of body heat. So, cuddling in the sweat box of an apartment probably would have been uncomfortable for both of us. I don't want to convey the message that I hate all displays of affection, because I truly don't. The issues isn't showing her I care, the issue is I just really don't always feel the need to cuddle, especially at a party. If we're sitting and watching a movie, yeah, I am sure we'd cuddle up, even if it's a group watching a movie. That seems more appropriate than a massively social setting, like my friend's 21st birthday party.

[The Booty Disciple]

You're still focused too much on the PDA issue. The bigger issue right now is that you guys are on different pages about personal boundaries. That's where you guys need to work on communication, compromise, and agreement. Until you can find an acceptable comfort level with each other's preferences and give/take of the situation, things will still be non-groovy.

[Munkie91087]

Jul 2, 2011 15:14:51 GMT -5 The Booty Disciple said:

You're still focused too much on the PDA issue. The bigger issue right now is that you guys are on different pages about personal boundaries. That's where you guys need to work on communication, compromise, and agreement. Until you can find an acceptable comfort level with each other's preferences and give/take of the situation, things will still be non-groovy.

Yeah, that's very true. I just don't want it to be thought that I am some kind of anti touching freak. I plan on having a talk with her. It's important to really find a happy medium in this scenario. That's pretty much the only way a relationship works.

[The Booty Disciple]

You heard it here first, folks. Steelers4life87 is not an anti-touching freak. He's a freak for many other reasons, but not about touching.