Victory Road 2009
- I had to set up a free trial through TNA's premium service on Youtube for this, and to do that I had to make TNA of all things the first thing I've ever subscribed to. I hope you're happy for the sacrifices I make for you people.
- Ha, opens with an ad for Lucha Underground. Three minutes long but. . . F*** it, I'll sit through it and list any observations that come to mind.
- Is Dario Cuteo's gimmick that he's a mob boss? That seems to be the case.
- Blue Demon Jr. apparently ate Sr.
- Hey, John Morrison!
- And Morrison's promo got them soooooo sued with all those name drops.
- Sexy Star is quite skilled at hanging out in caves.
- The LEGENDARY Chavo Guerrero.
- Konnan apparently ate King Puma.
- New episode where? Where the hell are you supposed to watch it?
- What do you see? The cult of personality.
- Holy shit, Kurt Angle apparently was inspired by the Lucha Underground ad from the future with that jump.
- I have the feeling I'm not going to want to see it.
- BRAZIL LOVES TNA.
Angelina Love vs. Tara- So, the women are separate from the Knockouts?
- "Tara's Mind Games Upset Beautiful People." Not The Beatiful People mind you, just all people who are beautiful.
- Mi Pi Sexy Poisoned. I don't know what that means.
- Does TNA not know what a Tale of the Tape is?
- Oh, this was before the Beautiful People got a theme that you could actually recognize as them. This sounds like something I could see Mike Knox or something coming out to.
- Miscarriage of ass apparently.
- How do you manage to sound insincere about ogling someone?
- Oh, cool, I remember when she came out to All the Things She Said too.
- Well, at least there's no Tazz.
- This is the entrance that never ends.
- Leave me alone, Slick Johnson! Stop showing up on these things!
- Don't bring up Awesome Kong in this match.
- "Look at that gleam in her eye, I mean that grin." So she has a grin in her eye?
- Of course, nowadays you would never see an ad on the side of the ring claiming TNA has home video.
- Tenay really doesn't give a shit at all here, does he? He's pretty much botching every line.
- Who buys a Suicide shirt?
- Is Don West chewing on something?
- Those are the weakest punches ever.
- Why is Slick Johnson wearing arm bands?
- So, the heel partners screw up and blind their girl when trying to cheat and get booted for it, in the return match from Angelina having lost the title. So of course Angelina proceeds to win it back anyway.
- And seriously,
that was enough to knock Tara out cold?
- Stop showing close-ups on Slick's wire.
- So why didn't the Beautiful People run back down the second the match ended so that Angelina didn't get laid out?
- Oh, good, you saved her from having a tarantula rub up against her. You girls did one thing right.
- Dude, stand up and you'd kill it easily.
- Since when do spiders sting people?
- Tara doesn't care about the Knockouts title so long as she has her tarantula. Or really at all - at least it's a consistent thing with her character that she doesn't give a shit about it.
- What do you mean starting it off with Morgan / Daniels? There's already been a match.
- So that's how you pronounce Morasca. I was picturing it like Morr-ass-cuh.
- What was Sting thinking with that face?
- Kurt Angle looks like an alcoholic in that picture. So, appropriate I guess.
- And now he looks like a ride operator at a carnival. What on earth is up with him here, he looks awful. His head looks giant but the rest of him is ridiculously shriveled up.
- "Do not expect a quality pay-per-view match." Thanks for the honesty, Kurt.
- Hell in a Cell mention by name. Fun.
- Why is there a cape hanging on the wall?
Matt Morgan vs. Daniels- He awkwardly through Daniels into a wall, he's perfect!
- Seriously, his entire gimmick at this point was demanding to be given a slot in the Mafia?
- So, is the entire storyline here, "Daniels is a pussy who's a complete roadblock on the way to Morgan doing bigger things"?
- Matt Morgan's the first theme of the night I recognize on first hearing it. Not a lot of those in TNA.
- Is Daniels wearing the Ascension's pants as a vest?
- Yeah, judging by the start this is just going to be a squash match.
- Daniels' porn stache is very distracting.
- Give them this, the crowd is red hot for this match even if it is dull and basic.
- What's with the weird metal-painted leg on Daniels' tights anyway?
- It's weird, it's not like I always refer to him by the full name but it's always bugged the hell out of me seeing him not billed as Christopher Daniels.
- More Morgan's star just kind of bounches up and down never getting too far from the ground like a basketball.
- Hellevator's one of the dumber finisher names ever. At least had Sabin used the name it'd have some context instead of just being a pointless pun for no reason.
- We really needed the Wile E. Coyote Cam for Morgan doing a shoulder block in the corner.
- Wow, Tenay just completely undersold that out-of-nowhere desparation DDT.
- Even from the perfect angle to hide it that Carbon Footprint still clearly missed by a mile.
- Hellevator is a really stupid move in its own right. It's a suplex where halfway through you change your mind and just set the guy down and Rock Bottom him?
- So did Morgan ever end up joining the Main Event Mafia for real? Guessing not.
Abyss vs. Dr. Stevie- What? Abyss has been Stevie's project for a decade now, huh? Why are they just pretending people don't immediately know Stevie Richards on sight? I'd be willing to buy him being a therapist on the side or just pretending to be one, sure, kind of a comedy character anyway, but people know who he is, just claim him as only recently taking an interest in Abyss or something.
- Why does Stevie have the authority to make his match no-DQ?
- Daffney's pretty fun at least.
- What exactly did Stevie do to make Abyss want to kill him anyway? All they're doing is making it look like Abyss decided he wanted to murder his therapist for no reason.
- "Bestest girl ever."
- Abyss resents being called an animal, as he prefers to be called a monster.
- Why did Abyss sniff the camera?
- IT'S TOO WHITE!
- That is a pretty hilariously terrible theme Stevie has. Did they just take a stock rock theme and put, "Paging Dr. Stevie," everywhere they could possibly fit it?
- Abyss apparently ate James Mitchell.
- That LAX shirt in the background could probably put on a better match than this is going to be.
- See, they even just called him Stevie Richards and said he's a wrestler.
- It'd be kind of fascinating to watch every notable Abyss segment of match cobbled together to show the progression of his character just to see how the f*** he went from a silent monster covered in chains to a mild-mannered lawyer while still being the same person. Plus there's him hanging out with the guy who turned out to be his dad while being tortured for years over his mom having killed his dad.
- Again, give them credit, at least the crowd's hot.
- I could use some Shock Treatment. Can I turn this off and listen to the soundtrack to that instead?
- What the hell was Abyss doing there?
- Dr. Stevie appears to have rubbed a tomato across his head while Abyss was making weird faces.
- Uh, wouldn't the referee be more inclined to run from the ref in no DQ, Tenay? In it Abyss could hurt him with no reprecussions.
- Seriously, it'd be nice if the recap video had shown what the hell Stevie did to deserve all of this.
- Daffney took her sweet ass time, huh?
- Who is this attacking Daffney and why?
- So, the logical booking here given how the match has gone would be Stevie stealing the win with the tazor, so of course that's not going to happen.
- Did he taze him or set him on fire? And the commentators could instantly smell that on the other side of the arena?
- Abyss beat the shit out of a guy for ten minutes then tazed him which set him on alight for some reason. Feel-good moment!
- So, that headbobbing guy with the mohawk and beard is kind of awesome.
- As is the guy next to him. Then mockingly nodding along with what Don West is saying is the funniest thing on this show so far.
- Uh, no shit Mick, they're not going to be satisfied with winning by a DQ or count out while challenging titles.
- Do like the continuity of bringing up how both Booker and Steiner started as tag team guys.
- And being crafty behind the scenes is what's always worked best for Nash.
Team 3D vs. The British Invasion- Nice way to make Beer Money look tough by needing to have heels help them beat Team 3D.
- Their place on top of the tag division of another company apparently.
- Which title was it TNA had somebody lose when it belonged to another company? Know it wasn't in this match but I know TNA did that once.
- Love that they play up, "Team 3D could lose their IWGP bookings," as a consequence of them losing, like TNA isn't paying enough.
- "Accompanished by Rob Terry from the United Kingdom." Learn to deliver your lines properly, announcer guy.
- Okay, looking it was the British Invasion winning the tag titles two days later.
- Ha, yeah, they even just brought up how they'd be losing out the huge money to be made working for a different company.
- Cool, USA chants for the guys fighting for their right to leave the US and wrestle in Japan.
- Two future TNA champions in this match and neither of them is Doug Williams.
- Ha ha, what the hell is with Rob Terry's hair? Only just got a good look at it.
- Kudos to TNA I guess for bringing up the Knockouts match in this one given the shared referee. WWE I'm sure somebody would get fired for suggesting referencing one of the diva storylines in, let's say for comparison, an Usos match.
- So why didn't Slick DQ them for all of that double-teaming? He counted to two or three then just stopped and let them keep doing it.
- Seriously, what's with all of the random Brits walking in stuff going on? This is like in the WWE games when one tag partner keeps running in and breaking up all of the grapples on the other.
- Why did Magnus roll away from Douglas instead of toward him?
- This match is really dull. Even managed to kill the crowd at this point.
- Now they've decided to wake up long enough to say they want tables.
- Devon! Get us DQed!
- How the hell is Slick managing to have so much trouble moving a table?
- "1. 2. They got it." Yeah, that's the sort of enthusiasm that match warrants.
- Oh, hey, Kiyoshi and Daivari for no reason. Wonder if one of them's going through a table.
- I am seriously so f***ing glad the endless bell ringing shit has been stopped in present WWE.
- Cool, TNA managed to save themselves from 5-on-2 odds all by themselves.
- 7-19-2009 - #ItHappensToDaivari.
- I was just about to say this show really while not good isn't so bad after a lot of these WCW ones, but. . . This isn't even halfway over with? Yeah, this is hell.
- Do we
really need a Slick Johnson interview on PPV? Could this not wait for Impact?
- I wouldn't be saying, "Poor Tara." I'd be saying, "Bitch, you kicked me in the face and laid a tarantula on me!"
Sharmell vs. Jenna Morasca- Why the hell do the managers get entrances?
- They have Kong at ringside for this instead of competing. Yeah.
- Do kind of like the opening of that quasi-remix of Booker's theme, but it quickly becomes terrible and generic.
- Kong's theme is another one I recognize on hearing it.
- Why's her name bar only say Jenna? At least when Sojo's bar said something different you could maybe justify it as a space thing. Or maybe nobody could spell Sojourner without looking it up and the Impact Zone probably doesn't have Wi-Fi.
- I'm really curious as to what Sharmell was thinking wearing a prom gown for this.
- Wait, Angle's going to fire them from the company? From the Mafia, stupid but I'll buy it, how does he have the authority to kick them out of TNA entirely?
- I dunno, Don, I'd still rather watch this match than watch Survivor.
- Sharmell running is a pretty funny visual. Just the way she does it is great.
- Nice of Booker to be out here to support his wife.
- Seriously, what on earth does it mean to paintbrush somebody?
- If they had to do this - and they didn't - why is it not a tag match where you could just have Sharmell and Morasca in there for like one or two spots instead of having to carry a whole match?
- Sharmell sold those slaps?! I could see those as being a condescending thing to piss someone off but really?
- And now we've got Earl Hebner perving out? Yeah, this is rapidly going from, "Stupid," to, "HELP ME!"
- Sharmell didn't feel a huge chunk of hair being ripped out of her head apparently.
- Why does Sharmell want her hair back?
- So she decided to teacup her before the pin? I assume that's what it's called when a woman does it.
- Looking it up, yes, that's more or less what teacupping is.
- So it ends with Kong having laid them both out. I'm cool with this.
Kevin Nash vs. AJ Styles- Yeah, Kevin Nash is what turned wrestling into a business.
- Okay, do kind of like that line about the belt just being an excuse for Nash to get more money at autograph signings.
- LEGENDS LIST - Na$h is in it for the ca$h, AJ's lack of respect, and Angle puts the pressure on. Don't think any of them is getting into the Hall of Fame. Maybe Na$h is in it for the ca$h, it might have a $hot.
- Get Ready to Fly, that's another one I recognize immediately.
- This is only halfway done.
- I've always greatly preferred AJ in shorts.
- Kudos on playing up Nash's history of leg injuries at least, both in the ring and on the mic.
- "The levels of confidence Nash was showing are now being shown by AJ, almost like his confidence has been raised." Thanks, Professor.
- It really detracts from the menace to keep repeatedly just calling him Kevin.
- Haven't you faced enough legal issues over Shawn Michaels without repeatedly saying the name on air?
- No, the Legends title really isn't gorgeous.
- AJ very, very nearly just got a beer bottle broken over the back of his head.
- Christ, the match of the night so far on a show in 2009 is a Kevin Nash in 2009 match. In 2009.
- So given they did the whole, "The Mafia has to win every match," thing and they went through with it because heaven forbid heel stables in TNA ever actually get beaten instead of just kind of fizzling out, why on earth did they put them all in a row where you get four heel wins back-to-back to send the show out on? Then again Abyss, Team 3D, and I guess Kong are the only faces to stand tall on this show at all.
- Funny thing is this is getting pretty dull at this point due to going on too long and it's still the match of the night.
- "And there's the Pele." Yeah, even five years ago Tenay didn't give a crap.
- Nice of AJ to do a random Flying Nothing into the chokeslam. And to be the one man Nash has ever pinned with the chokeslam.
- Don't beat yourself up AJ, you'll beat Nash's boss for the TNA title in a couple months.
- I like that the one straight-up no shenanigans match in this show, probably at all but at least to this point, is Nash beating AJ Styles clean in 2009.
- Again, can this Tara / Slick stuff not wait for Impact?
Beer Money vs. Booker T & Scott Steiner- TNA has rematch clauses? So why does Tara need Slick to push for her to get a revenge?
- They have rematch clauses but Angle's contract lets him override it and pick his opponent? And why the hell isn't he constantly abusing that, especially in his billion heel runs in TNA?
- So why are they recapping this entire series of matches all at once for the tag title one?
- Was Storm telling Booker to suck his dick?
- I think Harlem Heat's another copyright you guys don't have.
- TNA's Tagline - "Booker & Steiner: Tag Team Royalty." Pretty awful tagline.
- Beer Money's another theme I immediately recognize, though given this is the instrumental it's only due to the opening.
- Why is Storm riding a cooler?
- I should really overwrite my King Booker CAW in 2K14, I never use it and I'm sure I could find a better use of the spot.
- Actually come to think of it I have the whole Main Event Mafia to 2K14, Joe included. Maybe should do something with that, not like I never use one of the Nashes, Booker, Angle, or Sting anyway.
- Yeah, retaining the titles against a throw together team in their third title run is what will cement Beer Money's legacy.
- Astoundingly, two people in this match are future TNA champions and neither of them's one of the guys who's been around since the 80s or early 90s.
- I have to admit I'm kind of disappointed with this show. I was expecting an utter abomination, but so far most of it's just been soooooo boooorrrrrrriiiiiiing.
- Booker doesn't want to be a part of the Beer Money chant says Tenay.
- Well, Roode, it's your fault for not seeing that coming from a mile away. You could've very easily prevented it.
- I should really do a Scott Steiner / Rusev feud in 2K14, that could be pretty fun.
- This is really one-sided in Big Poppa Pumparooni's favor.
- Really? Outright saying Steiner and Booker are more of a threat as a team than Team 3D is?
- What made Steiner stagger into that neckbreaker? Did he have a seizure?
- There's nearly an hour left of this show.
- That Backstabber / clothesline combo was kind of cool, shame it got pretty much immediately shrugged off.
- Why did Hebner pull his shirt up?
- Seriously, mid-match Hebner jumps out of the ring to order Storm to get back in the corner while he and Booker are brawling outside while completely ignoring Booker's existence? F***ing what?
- Logical booking - well, in a world where Kurt wasn't facing Mick Foley in 2009 - would have him losing in the main event after all of his guys won on his orders to build to them turning on him, but we all know that's not coming.
Samoa Joe vs. Sting- Joe's standing with a black towel over his head looking down at the ground while he has his arms over his chest, who the hell do you think is mentoring him, Steve Corino?
- As ready for war as his completely useless stubby neck will allow.
- "I will deliver him your head." Is Joe a knight now?
- And Joe's an idiot who didn't recognize there's more room to get money as champion.
- Joe wants everything, except the TNA title apparently.
- Uh, Joe screwed over two other people and himself while he was at it, Sting.
- Seriously, they're flashing the letters FTW in between the words, "Survive if I let you," yet they're acting like there's a mystery to his Joe's mentor is?
- Joe's another for the music checklist. Think the only ones missing on this show that I'd actually recognize on hearing the opening note (besides variants of the ones on this show) are Winter's, the Beautiful People theme people actually know, Another Me, and EC3's. Oh, Pope's too. Machine Guns. Think that's all.
- Why wasn't Sting wearing the purple coat when he turned into the Joker, anyway?
- Why's Sting rocking Wolfpac gear but white face paint? That just looks ugly.
- So why are they being allowed to brawl into the crowd when it's a standard match? Especially given Abyss / Stevie did the same thing earlier in a match that was actually no-DQ?
- Uh, why do you think Slick walked out of the Beautiful People's shower with his shirt on while one of them was in there, Tenay?
- Angle mutinied and threw Sting out, what exactly is keeping the others from doing the same to Angle if he tries to pull that, "Nope, all of you guys are out for losing," thing?
- He's Stinging up!
- Did Tenay just call Sting Steve Bentley? Does he not know his last name?
- Why did Sting let the Deathlock go, besides just, "Oh, shit, time for me to lose"? Tazz never got near him and Sting wasn't showing any sign of paying any attention to him.
- That was a really, really awkward transition into the Clutch. Was Sting just not up for the Muscle Buster or were they trying for a hot back-and-forth sequence and just failed spectacularly?
- So Angle's fine with Joe winning so long as it's by pinfall, even though he still only won due to Tazz brainwashing Sting into letting the Deathlock go?
- Samoa Joe's rap theme is awful. Instrumental was so much better.
- Yeah, Joe botching trying to hit one of his finishers then using the other to make Sting take his time about awkwardly tapping out as slowly as possible is a new, more violent form of him.
- OH SHIT, LASHLEY'S COMING.
- Bobby Lashley vs. Brock Lesnar. They forgot to show the part underneath that that said, "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!"
- Is Don West claiming Angle personally signed Lashley?
Kurt Angle vs. Mick Foley- Seriously, who on earth books a PPV to have four heel wins in a row to go off the air?
- Hit Angle in the neck, knee, shoulder, or really any other body part, there's his weakness.
- So Foley's strategy is, "Hit an elbow drop."
- Give him this, Foley is trying his damnedest here.
- I've learned doing this "wrestling" and "Mayhem" have almost nothing to do with each other.
- "If you're gonna beat me, you have to beat me!"
- Yeah, five years later still waiting on the answer to that.
- I know the music being used for the Joe part of this recap video is used as somebody's theme in 2K14. King Kong Bundy maybe?
- Odds he winds up tapping? I'm guessing Foley does.
- Is this PPV theme just a really poor ripoff of Famous from that one of the SvR games?
- Hey, an actual Tale of the Tape.
- And now they use the name again for something that isn't. Good to see that tradition alive.
- Yeah, MICK FOLEY is the embodiment of TNA's future.
- Have they ever explained why everyone in TNA seems to see having all of the titles as putting you in charge of the company?
- Ah yes, Foley's TNA titantron. Worst one ever? No, but damn, is it bad.
- Seriously, Angle just looks like he's on death's doorstep here. Like he's just checked into rehab over a heroin addiction.
- JB is no Michael Buffer.
- As opposed to the Victory Road main event of tomorrow.
- Nice bringing up how things worked out for Nash to talk about how Foley could best stand to win this, is something.
- Seriously, what makes Angle a TNA Original?
- PILEDRIVERS ON THE FLOOR NEVER WORK. Well, except when Funk did it in that last show I guess, but even then Flair shrugged it off.
- How's it ever too early for the ankle lock? Even if it doesn't get the submission or it gets reversed the damage still gets done.
- Shock and awe, a TNA main event has a pointless ref bump for no reason.
- Never. Angle's probably never won a match in TNA with only one Angle Slam.
- Woo, a second pointless ref bump.
- How would the elbow on the concrete hurt all that much more?
- I'm really curious what the thought process was in putting Foley in a straight singles match with a fair bit of time to it in 2009. You can tell he's trying but there was no way this was never going to work.
- Christ, not only do four heels win in a row, Angle basically straight-up squashed Foley. Also, that, "I never want to know the feeling of having tapped out again," thing sure didn't last long, did it?
- Oh, please, this isn't TNA's darkest our. The stable was dead before they even lost all of those titles and evil factions taking all of the titles happens in TNA on a yearly basis.
- This is a genuinely awful ending to a PPV. It's just the second half of the show devoted entirely to the faces losing over and over and over again. Should've at least moved the matches around to not all be in a row or something.
- I'm going to skip the PPV recap.
So yeah, that was terrible. Mostly just because it was so damn boring, and very poorly booked. Basically no match told a proper story other than maybe Morgan / Daniels, which was at least focused though it was mostly a dull squash match that went on too long. I'd avoid this at all costs, though you have to go out of your way to see it anyway, not the easiest show to find outside of TNA's Youtube channel.
Back to the regular crap tomorrow though I'm thinking of doing another TNA PPV before the free trial ends in a couple of weeks. If anyone has any ideas for one and it's on there, let me know 'em. Anyway, tomorrow will be. . . The Bash. I genuinely don't remember a thing about that show offhand, looking it up I get a Triple H / Orton match, Cena squashing Miz, and a DQ, among other stuff that I'm not looking at to avoid spoilers. Joy.