Groose's 2017 NFL Mock Draft.
Apr 25, 2017 17:29:28 GMT -5
Sam Punk, Captain Stud Muffin (BLM), and 2 more like this
Post by Sponsored by Groose Wipes on Apr 25, 2017 17:29:28 GMT -5
In 2015, I made my first NFL Mock Draft. It was full of magic, wonder, and time paradoxes. I could not get one done in 2016 due to conflicts. BUT I'M BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER! IT'S DRAFT TIME BOYS!
Last year, tragedy struck the world of the mock draft world, as I, DA GROOSE was not able to get a 2016 NFL mock draft out in time. However, this year, things will be different. This draft takes place in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. These guys are likely going to cause some hell for anyone but Philly. They booed Santa Clause for goodness sake. That reminds me, where is the Christmas day game is going to…. It’s in Philly… ohhh boy.
Well without any more waiting, let’s start the NFL Mock Draft. Cleveland Browns, you are on the cloWE GOT A PICK!
1. Cleveland Browns: The City of San Diego (City, San Diego State)
Cleveland Browns are once again at the bottom of the barrel. So they need a new coat of fresh paint, some fresh air. With the Cavs down the way eating all of the city of Cleveland’s money (adding up to about $4.50) and with the Indians coming off a World Series impersonation of the Golden State Warriors, the Browns need a spark. Last year, their only win of the season was vs. San Diego. They seem to win only when it involves the city. Since the Chargers moved to LA, this pick seems simple. San Diego needs a team, Browns need at least 3 people to cheer for them. This is a match made in heaven as they might be able to fill one row in San Diego.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Bob Ross (Painter, Air Force...really, look it up)
Ever since Khaki god Jim Harbaugh got the boot, the 49ers have not been the same. With it being clear that Colin Kaepernick is gone (because how can you be a QB when you can’t stand up during the national anthem that is Seal’s Kiss From a Rose), now they need some more afro power behind their… is that an O-Line? Yeah it is. They also need someone who will keep his cool. Who better than world famous painter, Bob Ross? Someone who can bring the 49ers to a nice happy place. I mean have you seen him throw that brush in the intro? The guy has an arm.
3. Chicago Bears: Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff (Thirst Quencher, Michael Jordan’s stash)
The Bears were so awful last year, that the cast of “We Bare Bears” looked more like the 1985 Bears than what Chicago had last year. With their receivers now showing up and with the Jay Cutler XJ android company no longer an affiliate with the Bears, they need to rely on something special. They need some of “Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff” from the movie “Space Jam”. I didn't think the Bears needed it but they need everything at this point. How else will they win their division with teams like the Green Bay Monstars?
4. Jacksonville Jaguars: Thursday Night Football (Weekday)
A very fascinating pick for Jacksonville, seeing how the Jag’s scouts love the look of London. This move is a very good move for the organization, because who the hell else will watch Jag games unless it’s the only game on?
5. Tennessee Titans : Myles Garrett (DE, Texas A&M)
Many have Myles Garrett going #1 overall, but I think he will fall to the Titans at #5. After all, Nashville needs some G-A-DOUBLE R-E-DOUBLE T! MAN AIN’T HE GREAT! He’s sure to bring some slap nuts defense alongside a good-looking offense.
6. NY Jets: United Airlines (Company, Air Force)
United Airlines has some issues off the field, but when the spotlight is on them, they know how to put on a show. The Jets need to do something about the Patriots in order to have any shot at their division. United Airlines have been known to have a few altercations but that might be the grit the Jets need in order to go all the way to 6-10 and missing the playoffs.
7. L.A. Chargers: BRAUN STROWMAN (Monster, WWE Performance Center)
Oh my god, LA is going to hit it big with the monster among men. The Chargers have had bad luck with injuries, so getting Braun to flip an ambulance when that injury bug shows up again will make sure that no one gets hurt for the Chargers. This also helps the Chargers in their issues with finishing games. Braun is not finished with you yet, OH GOD HE JUST THREW A CAMERAMAN INTO THE FANS! Overlord Goodell is not gonna like this.
8. Carolina Panthers : Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (VHS, Blockbuster Tech)
I have no idea what happened to Cam last year, but Superman was just not Superman in 2016. There’s also been some chaos in the office as of late with Carolina. What they need is a quest for peace. This is also a great pick is the Redskins are in talks with Nuclear Man, they are going to need Supercam to be Supercam again this year.
9. Cincinnati Bengals: The Harambe Meme-morial Stadium (It’s what he would have wanted, Cincinnati)
We still miss you Harambe… We still miss you.
10. Buffalo Wild Wings: Brady-Away repellant (Can, Unknown)
The last time the Bills made the playoffs, “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” was the #1 hit, Millions went to the movies and then had regret after seeing “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”, and Brendan Fraser was still with us. However, let’s face the facts. As long as Tom Brady is still playing, there’s no chance the Bills are going to make the playoffs. That’s why a team of scientists lead by Jim Kelly are working on a new repellant that should fix their Brady problem. Will it be ready in time for the draft, that remains to be seen. If not, they will have to get rid of their old stadium and play at a slightly larger-than-normal Buffalo Wild Wings.
11. New Orleans Saints: Charity/awareness to help Drew Brees (Charity, Unknown)
*Play: In The Arms of an Angel in the background for max effect* Every year, Drew Brees throws 5,000 yards passing, yet the rest of the Saints, just can’t get wins. With the price of a cup of coffee, we can help the Saints draft a player to help poor and defenseless Drew Brees. They need your help, but only if you call.
12. Sad Diego Browns (I'd be sad too if I had the Browns): Robbie Rotten (Villain, Lazy Town Tech)
The Browns got sneaky and stole a 2nd pick in the draft. They had the number one pick, and who’s a better number one than Robbie Rotten. He’s known for his tricky and dirty villainous moves. They only had one win last year, and the Browns can be ready with when Robbie says go, get ready to throw… THROW THE BALL AT THEM, NOT THE RAVENS! D:
13. Arizona Cardinals: Mitchell Trubisky (QB, North Carolina)
Many have this North Carolina QB going #1 overall, but I knew better. North Carolina basketball won its national title in Phoenix, so it only makes sense to keep going with what works. This is likely Carson Palmer’s last year since he’s going old. So they need a new young gun like Mitch Tru…. Mmmm brisket…
14. Philadelphia Eagles: Adele (singer, BRIT School)
Ok, I’ll be honest. I just wanted to make a joke about PhilADELEphia. She can have the #25 jersey. JUST DON’T THROW TO THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! PHILLY MUST HAVE LOST A THOUSAND TIMES!
15. Indianapolis Colts: DeShone Von Kizer (QB/Boxer, Noter Dame)
Andrew Luck has been a Glass Joe on the field as of late with injuries. They need to take their game to the next level, so they need a warrior like DeShone Von Kaizer. He can run left, run right, AND HIT WITH ZEE UPPERCUTT! They might have some issues when they take on the Raiders and Khalil Little Mac.
16. Baltimore Ravens: The Edward Jones Dome (Arena, St Louis)
This might be an odd pick, but the Ravens need to downgrade in order to pay Joe That Ain’t Flacco’s zillion dollar contract. There’s no football team in St. Louis so it’s a perfect fit. In order to get back to the Ravens' glory days, they will be called the St. Louis Ray Lewis .
17. Washington Redskins: The lost 2016 Groose Mock Draft (Mock Draft, somewhere in Groose’s hard drive next to all the Mettaton pictures)
It was a damn shame that the 2016 Groose mock draft had to miss because of well, I got busy and the date came before I knew it. Anyway, seeing how the mock draft should be a historical document, it belongs in the Smithsonian museum. In fact, it should replace the Declaration of Independence. That’s not that important, right? I mean if it is, not as much as the mock draft no one got to see. Picks like the Browns picking Prohibition to stop Johnny Football’s drinking, and Carson Wentz going to the Saints to become the Zaintz.
18. Tennessee TRADE to L.A. Rams: Rams: RAM IT MUSIC VIDEO (Ram, It)
Watch this and tell me this would not win them 10 Super Bowls.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Nick and Matt Jackson (Tag Team, Independent)
The Bucs make a very strange deal here. They decide to get Matt and Nick Jackson, better known as the Young Bucks. But now they will be The Young Bucs. However since Tampa Bay gets two for the price of one, there’s a few catches with this move. 1. They have to bring back the Creamsicle uniforms, and 2. No crabs legs allowed in the locker room. Where’s Jameis Winston going? Likely for a Winston break. Winston cigarettes have that full flavor blend and… yeah he just drove off.
20. Denver Broncos: Lonzo Ball (PG, UCLA)
The broncos’ playoff dreams were dashed last year as Dontari Poe threw a layup touchdown. Denver will make sure to never have that happen again. Lonzo Ball is an amazing PG that lead UCLA to a big run in March Madness. He can be used to swat down a few balls. Or his dad can talk about how he’s better than John Elway and Peyton Manning combined.
21. Detroit Lions: Kevin King (CB, Washington)
The Lions looked like a promising team, just in time right after Calvin Johnson retired. However, they really need to work on stopping the deep pass if they want any chance of stopping Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Monstars. This way they can call him The Lion King. With this big steal in the draft, the Lions will BE PREPARED to go 6-10 and miss the playoffs.
22. Miami Dolphins: Florida Man (Man, Florida)
Not a shocking pick here. Florida Man has known to have some bad issues off the field, but I mean it can’t get any worse than having Ndamanakamura Sue being the king of stomp style. Flori… is that a freaking alligator, OH GOD HE THREW IT AT GOODELL! Why is everyone cheering!? OUR LORD WILL SMITE US AND RID US OF FUN! They don’t know better my lord Roger.
23. New York Giants: Jdell Oeckham Br. (WR, LSU)
I know what you might be thinking, another WR for Eli to throw it to. He’s already got great receivers like Odell Beckham, and Harrison Smith. However, the Giants are looking at a new WR to make their wide outs EVER WIDER! Jdell Oeckham Br. has got all the things needed to be a star. Wait, this is just Odell Beckha… oh… Jdell just vanished. Well then…
24. Oakland Raiders: David Copperfield (Magician, Las Vegas)
The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas in a few years but will be playing in Oakland beforehand. Because that worked so well with Cleveland. The Raiders looked really good until Derek Carr went down, so they need some magic for that to not happen. David Copperfield is a world renowned magician and with the team moving to Las Vegas, they could use some home grown guys. What crazy magic will Dav… oh there’s Jdell Oechham! Copperfield made him disappear. You crazy magician you.
25. Houston Texans Deshaun J.J. Wattson (QB/DE, Clemson)
Ever since the JJ Watt cloning machine ended up just making a mutant of a football player called the Brock Osweiler, the Texans will have to look elsewhere. Since Brock was a total bust, they will be going QB no doubt. It’s easy to say that Deshaun JJ Wattson will fall to the Texans. More giga-watts Marty.
26. Seattle Seahawks: A giant bag of skittles to get Marshawn Lynch back home. (Bait, yeah)
This is a good draft pick. I’m just picking skittles so I don’t get fined. Goodell is mad as hell after that alligator innocent, I don't want to make him mad.
27. Kansas City Chiefs: Reuben Foster (LB, Alabama)
Everyone expects the Chiefs to either get a corner to match with Peters, or a QB in the ppfff HAHAHAHAHAA. Anyway I think they take a shot out of left field and go LB here. Foster has… wait I’m being told he was picked because Andy Reid thought it was a banana fosters Reuben sandwich and he was hungry. They have no time to pick someone else, Andy Reid, why is your clock management so bad?
28. Dallas Cowboys: Joe Anoa’I (DT, Georgia Tech)
This pick is a year too late. Roman is known as the only person to have ever won a title in Jerry’s World. Roman has got the prote OH GOD IT’S BRAUN, HE’S NOT FINISHED! He just threw the podium at Roman and now they are going to the back!
Crap no podium, somehow can’t make picks… um…. *grabs a cardboard box*
29. Green Bay Monstars: The Aaron Rodgers Spawn Project (Super QB, Classified)
Two years ago, a prophecy was written in the ancient walls of Lambeau. There was talks of an experiment that would impregnate Brett Favre in order to make a new one. However, the plans were folded when the lab found out that guys can’t have babies. Scientists, my ass. But now the Green Bay Monstars have a brand new plan. They plan on getting a football containing the talent of the great Green Bay QBs like Bart Starr and Favre, and to use it to power up Aaron Rodgers. It’s quite simple. They take air from the ball with the Green Bay stars and then bingo, Green Bay DNA! They then inject it into the womb of Aaron Rodgers. Not only will he be the perfect QB, he will spawn a new QB, one that will be… perfect.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers: Barry Bee Benson (Bee, The Hive)
According to all known laws of aviation, theirs is no way the bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The Bee, of course flies anyway. Because With the 4th man of the killer bees, There’s nothing that’s going to stop Big Ben, Leveon Bell, and Antonio Brow, NOW BROWN, QUIT TWERKING! You’re making the lights freak…. Great, now the power is out. I guess I’ll have to scream these next picks.
31. Atlanta Falchahohg. Sorry I choked: Jay Cutler XLR 330 2B Ver S. (QB Android, Chicago Labs)
Chicago ended up throwing away their prototype to make the new Jay Cutler and decided to move on from him. Following their shocking loss in the Super Bowl, Matt Ryan noticed the lonely robot in the rain in a dumpster, also known as the Oakland Colosseum. Ryan, with a heart of gold, has convinced the team to give this lovable robot another shot. He may be rusty, but can we teach a machine to love?
32. New Orleans Saints: TRADE to New England.
I would like to thank the Saints for giving the help lonely Drew Brees’ needs and giving him a happy home. Now New England has the last pick.
32. New England Patriots: Ford Fitzpick (Something, Monster’s University)
Talk about the steal of the draft, I had this guy a #1 overall, but Ford Fitzpick is sure to bring New England another title. Gee I’m so excited. Brady will be winning these things until he’s freaking 60. Oh god Braun, don’t throw that Alligator at Roman, the build can’t handle that pow, OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The aftermath:
With the City of Philly mad at the NFL for their chaotic NFL draft, leaving the deaths to a few tables, Lord Rodger Goodell has decided to move the Eagles to London. Maybe someday… someone will host the draft and have it not end in something getting broken. Don’t get mad at me Goodell, I love you so much! Don’t shut down my mock draft. It’s the only thing fun left that has to do with the NFL.
Last year, tragedy struck the world of the mock draft world, as I, DA GROOSE was not able to get a 2016 NFL mock draft out in time. However, this year, things will be different. This draft takes place in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia. These guys are likely going to cause some hell for anyone but Philly. They booed Santa Clause for goodness sake. That reminds me, where is the Christmas day game is going to…. It’s in Philly… ohhh boy.
Well without any more waiting, let’s start the NFL Mock Draft. Cleveland Browns, you are on the cloWE GOT A PICK!
1. Cleveland Browns: The City of San Diego (City, San Diego State)
Cleveland Browns are once again at the bottom of the barrel. So they need a new coat of fresh paint, some fresh air. With the Cavs down the way eating all of the city of Cleveland’s money (adding up to about $4.50) and with the Indians coming off a World Series impersonation of the Golden State Warriors, the Browns need a spark. Last year, their only win of the season was vs. San Diego. They seem to win only when it involves the city. Since the Chargers moved to LA, this pick seems simple. San Diego needs a team, Browns need at least 3 people to cheer for them. This is a match made in heaven as they might be able to fill one row in San Diego.
2. San Francisco 49ers: Bob Ross (Painter, Air Force...really, look it up)
Ever since Khaki god Jim Harbaugh got the boot, the 49ers have not been the same. With it being clear that Colin Kaepernick is gone (because how can you be a QB when you can’t stand up during the national anthem that is Seal’s Kiss From a Rose), now they need some more afro power behind their… is that an O-Line? Yeah it is. They also need someone who will keep his cool. Who better than world famous painter, Bob Ross? Someone who can bring the 49ers to a nice happy place. I mean have you seen him throw that brush in the intro? The guy has an arm.
3. Chicago Bears: Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff (Thirst Quencher, Michael Jordan’s stash)
The Bears were so awful last year, that the cast of “We Bare Bears” looked more like the 1985 Bears than what Chicago had last year. With their receivers now showing up and with the Jay Cutler XJ android company no longer an affiliate with the Bears, they need to rely on something special. They need some of “Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff” from the movie “Space Jam”. I didn't think the Bears needed it but they need everything at this point. How else will they win their division with teams like the Green Bay Monstars?
4. Jacksonville Jaguars: Thursday Night Football (Weekday)
A very fascinating pick for Jacksonville, seeing how the Jag’s scouts love the look of London. This move is a very good move for the organization, because who the hell else will watch Jag games unless it’s the only game on?
5. Tennessee Titans : Myles Garrett (DE, Texas A&M)
Many have Myles Garrett going #1 overall, but I think he will fall to the Titans at #5. After all, Nashville needs some G-A-DOUBLE R-E-DOUBLE T! MAN AIN’T HE GREAT! He’s sure to bring some slap nuts defense alongside a good-looking offense.
6. NY Jets: United Airlines (Company, Air Force)
United Airlines has some issues off the field, but when the spotlight is on them, they know how to put on a show. The Jets need to do something about the Patriots in order to have any shot at their division. United Airlines have been known to have a few altercations but that might be the grit the Jets need in order to go all the way to 6-10 and missing the playoffs.
7. L.A. Chargers: BRAUN STROWMAN (Monster, WWE Performance Center)
Oh my god, LA is going to hit it big with the monster among men. The Chargers have had bad luck with injuries, so getting Braun to flip an ambulance when that injury bug shows up again will make sure that no one gets hurt for the Chargers. This also helps the Chargers in their issues with finishing games. Braun is not finished with you yet, OH GOD HE JUST THREW A CAMERAMAN INTO THE FANS! Overlord Goodell is not gonna like this.
8. Carolina Panthers : Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (VHS, Blockbuster Tech)
I have no idea what happened to Cam last year, but Superman was just not Superman in 2016. There’s also been some chaos in the office as of late with Carolina. What they need is a quest for peace. This is also a great pick is the Redskins are in talks with Nuclear Man, they are going to need Supercam to be Supercam again this year.
9. Cincinnati Bengals: The Harambe Meme-morial Stadium (It’s what he would have wanted, Cincinnati)
We still miss you Harambe… We still miss you.
10. Buffalo Wild Wings: Brady-Away repellant (Can, Unknown)
The last time the Bills made the playoffs, “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” was the #1 hit, Millions went to the movies and then had regret after seeing “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”, and Brendan Fraser was still with us. However, let’s face the facts. As long as Tom Brady is still playing, there’s no chance the Bills are going to make the playoffs. That’s why a team of scientists lead by Jim Kelly are working on a new repellant that should fix their Brady problem. Will it be ready in time for the draft, that remains to be seen. If not, they will have to get rid of their old stadium and play at a slightly larger-than-normal Buffalo Wild Wings.
11. New Orleans Saints: Charity/awareness to help Drew Brees (Charity, Unknown)
*Play: In The Arms of an Angel in the background for max effect* Every year, Drew Brees throws 5,000 yards passing, yet the rest of the Saints, just can’t get wins. With the price of a cup of coffee, we can help the Saints draft a player to help poor and defenseless Drew Brees. They need your help, but only if you call.
12. Sad Diego Browns (I'd be sad too if I had the Browns): Robbie Rotten (Villain, Lazy Town Tech)
The Browns got sneaky and stole a 2nd pick in the draft. They had the number one pick, and who’s a better number one than Robbie Rotten. He’s known for his tricky and dirty villainous moves. They only had one win last year, and the Browns can be ready with when Robbie says go, get ready to throw… THROW THE BALL AT THEM, NOT THE RAVENS! D:
13. Arizona Cardinals: Mitchell Trubisky (QB, North Carolina)
Many have this North Carolina QB going #1 overall, but I knew better. North Carolina basketball won its national title in Phoenix, so it only makes sense to keep going with what works. This is likely Carson Palmer’s last year since he’s going old. So they need a new young gun like Mitch Tru…. Mmmm brisket…
14. Philadelphia Eagles: Adele (singer, BRIT School)
Ok, I’ll be honest. I just wanted to make a joke about PhilADELEphia. She can have the #25 jersey. JUST DON’T THROW TO THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIIIDE! PHILLY MUST HAVE LOST A THOUSAND TIMES!
15. Indianapolis Colts: DeShone Von Kizer (QB/Boxer, Noter Dame)
Andrew Luck has been a Glass Joe on the field as of late with injuries. They need to take their game to the next level, so they need a warrior like DeShone Von Kaizer. He can run left, run right, AND HIT WITH ZEE UPPERCUTT! They might have some issues when they take on the Raiders and Khalil Little Mac.
16. Baltimore Ravens: The Edward Jones Dome (Arena, St Louis)
This might be an odd pick, but the Ravens need to downgrade in order to pay Joe That Ain’t Flacco’s zillion dollar contract. There’s no football team in St. Louis so it’s a perfect fit. In order to get back to the Ravens' glory days, they will be called the St. Louis Ray Lewis .
17. Washington Redskins: The lost 2016 Groose Mock Draft (Mock Draft, somewhere in Groose’s hard drive next to all the Mettaton pictures)
It was a damn shame that the 2016 Groose mock draft had to miss because of well, I got busy and the date came before I knew it. Anyway, seeing how the mock draft should be a historical document, it belongs in the Smithsonian museum. In fact, it should replace the Declaration of Independence. That’s not that important, right? I mean if it is, not as much as the mock draft no one got to see. Picks like the Browns picking Prohibition to stop Johnny Football’s drinking, and Carson Wentz going to the Saints to become the Zaintz.
18. Tennessee TRADE to L.A. Rams: Rams: RAM IT MUSIC VIDEO (Ram, It)
Watch this and tell me this would not win them 10 Super Bowls.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Nick and Matt Jackson (Tag Team, Independent)
The Bucs make a very strange deal here. They decide to get Matt and Nick Jackson, better known as the Young Bucks. But now they will be The Young Bucs. However since Tampa Bay gets two for the price of one, there’s a few catches with this move. 1. They have to bring back the Creamsicle uniforms, and 2. No crabs legs allowed in the locker room. Where’s Jameis Winston going? Likely for a Winston break. Winston cigarettes have that full flavor blend and… yeah he just drove off.
20. Denver Broncos: Lonzo Ball (PG, UCLA)
The broncos’ playoff dreams were dashed last year as Dontari Poe threw a layup touchdown. Denver will make sure to never have that happen again. Lonzo Ball is an amazing PG that lead UCLA to a big run in March Madness. He can be used to swat down a few balls. Or his dad can talk about how he’s better than John Elway and Peyton Manning combined.
21. Detroit Lions: Kevin King (CB, Washington)
The Lions looked like a promising team, just in time right after Calvin Johnson retired. However, they really need to work on stopping the deep pass if they want any chance of stopping Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Monstars. This way they can call him The Lion King. With this big steal in the draft, the Lions will BE PREPARED to go 6-10 and miss the playoffs.
22. Miami Dolphins: Florida Man (Man, Florida)
Not a shocking pick here. Florida Man has known to have some bad issues off the field, but I mean it can’t get any worse than having Ndamanakamura Sue being the king of stomp style. Flori… is that a freaking alligator, OH GOD HE THREW IT AT GOODELL! Why is everyone cheering!? OUR LORD WILL SMITE US AND RID US OF FUN! They don’t know better my lord Roger.
23. New York Giants: Jdell Oeckham Br. (WR, LSU)
I know what you might be thinking, another WR for Eli to throw it to. He’s already got great receivers like Odell Beckham, and Harrison Smith. However, the Giants are looking at a new WR to make their wide outs EVER WIDER! Jdell Oeckham Br. has got all the things needed to be a star. Wait, this is just Odell Beckha… oh… Jdell just vanished. Well then…
24. Oakland Raiders: David Copperfield (Magician, Las Vegas)
The Raiders are moving to Las Vegas in a few years but will be playing in Oakland beforehand. Because that worked so well with Cleveland. The Raiders looked really good until Derek Carr went down, so they need some magic for that to not happen. David Copperfield is a world renowned magician and with the team moving to Las Vegas, they could use some home grown guys. What crazy magic will Dav… oh there’s Jdell Oechham! Copperfield made him disappear. You crazy magician you.
25. Houston Texans Deshaun J.J. Wattson (QB/DE, Clemson)
Ever since the JJ Watt cloning machine ended up just making a mutant of a football player called the Brock Osweiler, the Texans will have to look elsewhere. Since Brock was a total bust, they will be going QB no doubt. It’s easy to say that Deshaun JJ Wattson will fall to the Texans. More giga-watts Marty.
26. Seattle Seahawks: A giant bag of skittles to get Marshawn Lynch back home. (Bait, yeah)
This is a good draft pick. I’m just picking skittles so I don’t get fined. Goodell is mad as hell after that alligator innocent, I don't want to make him mad.
27. Kansas City Chiefs: Reuben Foster (LB, Alabama)
Everyone expects the Chiefs to either get a corner to match with Peters, or a QB in the ppfff HAHAHAHAHAA. Anyway I think they take a shot out of left field and go LB here. Foster has… wait I’m being told he was picked because Andy Reid thought it was a banana fosters Reuben sandwich and he was hungry. They have no time to pick someone else, Andy Reid, why is your clock management so bad?
28. Dallas Cowboys: Joe Anoa’I (DT, Georgia Tech)
This pick is a year too late. Roman is known as the only person to have ever won a title in Jerry’s World. Roman has got the prote OH GOD IT’S BRAUN, HE’S NOT FINISHED! He just threw the podium at Roman and now they are going to the back!
Crap no podium, somehow can’t make picks… um…. *grabs a cardboard box*
29. Green Bay Monstars: The Aaron Rodgers Spawn Project (Super QB, Classified)
Two years ago, a prophecy was written in the ancient walls of Lambeau. There was talks of an experiment that would impregnate Brett Favre in order to make a new one. However, the plans were folded when the lab found out that guys can’t have babies. Scientists, my ass. But now the Green Bay Monstars have a brand new plan. They plan on getting a football containing the talent of the great Green Bay QBs like Bart Starr and Favre, and to use it to power up Aaron Rodgers. It’s quite simple. They take air from the ball with the Green Bay stars and then bingo, Green Bay DNA! They then inject it into the womb of Aaron Rodgers. Not only will he be the perfect QB, he will spawn a new QB, one that will be… perfect.
30. Pittsburgh Steelers: Barry Bee Benson (Bee, The Hive)
According to all known laws of aviation, theirs is no way the bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The Bee, of course flies anyway. Because With the 4th man of the killer bees, There’s nothing that’s going to stop Big Ben, Leveon Bell, and Antonio Brow, NOW BROWN, QUIT TWERKING! You’re making the lights freak…. Great, now the power is out. I guess I’ll have to scream these next picks.
31. Atlanta Falchahohg. Sorry I choked: Jay Cutler XLR 330 2B Ver S. (QB Android, Chicago Labs)
Chicago ended up throwing away their prototype to make the new Jay Cutler and decided to move on from him. Following their shocking loss in the Super Bowl, Matt Ryan noticed the lonely robot in the rain in a dumpster, also known as the Oakland Colosseum. Ryan, with a heart of gold, has convinced the team to give this lovable robot another shot. He may be rusty, but can we teach a machine to love?
32. New Orleans Saints: TRADE to New England.
I would like to thank the Saints for giving the help lonely Drew Brees’ needs and giving him a happy home. Now New England has the last pick.
32. New England Patriots: Ford Fitzpick (Something, Monster’s University)
Talk about the steal of the draft, I had this guy a #1 overall, but Ford Fitzpick is sure to bring New England another title. Gee I’m so excited. Brady will be winning these things until he’s freaking 60. Oh god Braun, don’t throw that Alligator at Roman, the build can’t handle that pow, OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The aftermath:
With the City of Philly mad at the NFL for their chaotic NFL draft, leaving the deaths to a few tables, Lord Rodger Goodell has decided to move the Eagles to London. Maybe someday… someone will host the draft and have it not end in something getting broken. Don’t get mad at me Goodell, I love you so much! Don’t shut down my mock draft. It’s the only thing fun left that has to do with the NFL.
