Tyger hoped that, outside of the incidents involving Knailsic and Gretchen, the remainder of "Bring Your FAN Idol to School Day" would go without a hitch. Surely the other four would-be FAN Idols would display the maturity and professionalism one would expect representatives of the Freakin' Awesome Network to possess. After all, they would be interacting with the next generation of Fans; this afforded them an opportunity to mold the minds and spur on the imaginations of the next FAN Idol or Scavenger Hunt victor. Among these classrooms may yet hide a true savant, a supreme strategist that would propel FAN Mafia to unprecedented heights of brilliance and drama.
There may yet be another Idol Host (oh boy!).
So, one can imagine his dismay when he observed what Orangetuang was lecturing about in the Tekno Team 2000 wing of Dean Douglas High.
Orangetuang, addressing a class filled with eager biology students and pointing to a diagram drawn on a blackboard: Now then, there are only two extant species of the Orangutang, the Bornean orangutan (Pongo pygmaeus) and the Sumatran orangutan (Pongo abelii). The Sumatran orangutan genome was sequenced in January 2011, the third species of hominid to have its genome sequenced after humans and chimpanzees. Humans, ha, vile creatures.
A young, bright eyed youth with a Red Rooster-like hair cut, asked the distinguished Idol Contestant: So... are you also an orangutang? The brochure we got talking about FAN Idol Season IX said that you were just some guy. It didn't mention that you... that you... well...
Orangetuang: That I had a helper dog? I fail to see why my animal needs would be covered in a promotional brochure, especially one compiled by that unprofessional doofus. He's a giant Tiger and yet he is not the subject of the sort of rampant Speciesism that follow me. Why wouldn't an Orangutang such as myself not have a helper dog like Criss here?
learningfromdogs.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/orangutan-dog-3.jpgYoung, Bright Eyed Youth: I... that is to say... the dog wasn't what I was talking about. Maybe you experience, um, Speciesism because you're a giant Orangutang?
Orangetuang, hand on his temple, sighing: As I have told innumerable people during the last three months, my mutation is the result of a lab accident that occurred due to an ill-advised genetic splicing incident. Once this current Season of FAN Idol concludes, I will work closely in concert with Mr. Dibiase is Good and Ms. Anonymous GM on a cure but, to be fair, this state is not without its advantages (Orangeutang starts jumping up and down, swinging gracefully around the room, much to the applause of the students around him).
Orangetuang: Thank you, thank you. Now, for the more daring among you, how about you ingest the chemical solution that we have been working on prior to the Q and A and see what animal lurks inside you!
Tyger's eyes widened and he muttered to himself: Oh sweet Lord! That lunatic is going to turn them into a bunch of bats and birds and lizards and lions! This place is a zoo as it is
. And the lawsuits!!!
Dean Douglas High may be a zoo but the Host feared, after listening to the shrieking teen girls that attended suave's poetry recital, that it may become some form of a "love-in" as well. Bad enough we have spiderfab4 with his eight busy hands; if suave and his iambic pentameters had their way, who knows what sort of bacchanalia would arise. Wine. Women. Catch_Us22. And suave had a whip. The Host knew that. Whips perhaps and FAN Season IX was already skating the PG/TV-14 edge due to Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark's Japanese style "Boom Boom Art". Who knew there were so many chained maidens in Feudal Japan? That little fox guy had a bag of feathers too. Yes he did. The pressing concern, whoever, was suave's styling and profiling of the young, nubile FAN girls. Sure, they were a bit older than him but he's already been established as an admirer of Soviet fetish clubs, dubbing himself Boris, the Soviet Love Hammer. He was also a member of the Canadian Mafia and who knew what nefarious plans he was privy to in the great white north. What did the Canadians do to keep warm in their igloos and snow drifts? The Host shuddered to think.
Upon a dusky-lit stage, save for one glaring, ironic white light, suave sat upon a stool, eyes closed, hands to his face, deep in emotion. The crowd of Dean Douglas High school girls were hanging on his every word. The great poet would gesture suddenly with a flourish of hands and then look upon the audience and start to recite:
She didn't talk to the press
She couldn't care less
She didn't even answer the phone
She said on one occasion,
Without persuasion:
"I want to be left alone."
(Garbo by Falco)
A hush would fall on the crowd. Eyes would dilate. Young hands with sparkly finger nail polish would be raised to wide open mouths. A murmur would break out.
The young poet would continue:
I did not laugh, not one little bit, ma soeur
As I playfully walked towards a dark fate--
While the faces behind me
Slowly paled in the evening of the blue forest.
Everything was grand that one night, ma soeur
Never thereafter and never before--
I admit it: I was left with nothing but the big birds
And their hungry cries in the dark evening sky.
(I Never Loved You More by Bertolt Brecht)
You could hear a pin drop. The girls would inhale and sigh. suave would continue:
We were lovers in a stormy night
Never asking what is wrong what's right
No never
When you kissed me it was clear to me
Only you can be my destiny
Forever
(Prison of Passion, Missing Heart)
The girls would fawn all over suave, who would sign autographs, get phone numbers, accept various undergarments (the Host shook his head and give them back), and generally ensure that those star struck young ladies would vote for him as FAN Idol Season IX. Tyger was like "OMG! FAN's social networking is going to be filled with lots of frilly, girly girl stuff about suave. Our instagram is going to be a bitch to maintain." Knowing full well he knew not what an insta nor a gram was.
And now, here are the scores for Round 35: Rock and Roll High School: The School of Rock. This Round challenged the remaining contestants to pick 3 songs inspired by a variety of school subjects ranging from Literature to the Sciences. With such a wide range of potential songs at their disposal, the Idol contestants had to be particularly savvy when it came to pleasing the judges. Some did so more than others and, at this crucial juncture in the game, the Elimination Sing-off will feature two potential Season IX winners regardless of which contestants wind up there.
The winner of Round 35: Rock and Roll High School: The School of Rock, with an incredible 368 points, likely the highest total ever earned in FAN Idol, is a real teacher's pet...
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
Pegasus Warrior!!! who re-affirmed his status as a rising star with American Singer-Songwriter Langhorne Slim & his group The Law's The Way We Move (71 pts, 1st), told us a story about a biker love child named after Jim Jarmusch's urban samurai, Ghost Dog, in Forest Whitaker by Bad Books (55 pts, 7th), and pushed rewind and paused at an amazing song in Django Django's Defaults (65 pts, 2nd). Pegasus Warrior also selected the southern gothic storytelling of Pam Tillis's Maybe It Was Memphis (42 pts, T-13)!!! Congratulations!!!
In second place, finding the square root of awesome and line graphing 311 pts on a TI-73 Explorer calculator is a contestant who always has to stay after school...
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
Gretchen Weiners!!! who isn't climbing down the summit anytime soon, selecting Mountain Song by Jane's Addiction (48 pts, 11th), found points today and will stick around for tomorrow with rock rebels Bad Company's Crazy Circles (49 pts, T-10th), and let Phil Sing along the long, strange trip of the Grateful Dead's Box of Rain (60 pts, 4th)!!!
Rounding out the top three, noting that If Reaction (1) + Reaction (2) = Reaction (3), then ΔH3 = ΔH1 + ΔH2 if Δ= Lemmy Kilmister and isolating 284 points, is a contestant who's about ready to cause a chain reaction...
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
Orangeutang!!! who brought us the strum und drang of the Hunt in scary German band Rammstein's Waidmannsheil (23 pts, 16th), had brother fight brother in a giant mosh pit to Guns N'Rose's Civil War (58 pts, t-6th), and teased us with them legs and that hair with SomeKindaWonderful's Reverse (58 pts, T-6th)!!!
It's quite crazy that, slowly but surely, we've reached the point this Season where only 4 contestants are guaranteed a pass to the next Round at this time.
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark.
Knailsic Loves to Boogie.
suave.
Please Step Forward.
You three are the lowest scoring contestants for
Round 35: Round 35: Rock and Roll High School: The School of Rock. One of you will move on at this moment, while the other two contestants will face each other in the most important Sing-Off of the Season thus far.
Barring the use of the Save, only five contestants will remain to battle out for the title of FAN Idol for Season IX. Each remaining contestant has the necessarily musical knowledge and tactical skill to win this. This Season, more than any other, has been a marathon game. As difficult as it has been to win thus far, the contestants are in store for even more demanding categories, ones that will test their abilities to the utmost. Whoever survives this Elimination Sing-Off will be one more talented player, one more threat for anyone who wants to win FAN Idol. Before that, however, we will reveal the last assured contestant.
With a total of 278 points, wrapping up 4th place, is a contestant who has climbed mountains, crossed deserts, and plunged the deep blue sea. Cutting a swathe through the jungle is...
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
suave!!! who endured the trials and tribulations of Blind Willie Johnson's seminal Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground (42 pts, T-13th), narrowly avoided being picked last with Nerf Herder's High Five Anxiety (61 pts, 3rd), and busted some brains with the wrasslin' hit The Show Must Go On by Shining Wizado (49, T-10th)!!!
That means that our Elimination Sing-Off will be played between:
Knalisic Loves to Boogie!!! who earned a total of 273 pts with the Spirit of Vengeance as evoked by proto-punkers Suicide and their Ghost Rider (59 pts, 5th), planted some seeds and raised some bees with Johnny Appleseed by Joe Stummer and The Mescaleros (51 pts, 9th), and blissed out with a bunch of strobe lights, listening to Eric Burdon & The Animals' San Franciscan Nights (52 pts, 8th)!!!
and
Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark!!! who took home 249 points, employing Bayonne, France's metal alchemists Gojira and their sublime and majestic tale of the briny deep Flying Whales (29 pts, 15th), explored the stylings of one of the Latin World's great artists, El Rey de la Cancion Ranchera, the King of Ranchera Music himself, Vicenete Fernandez and his Los Manadados (32 pts, 14th) and the East End punk spectacle of Coco Sparrer ft. UFC standout Dan "The Outlaw" Hardy as heard in their incendiary England Belongs to Me (45 pts, 12th)!!!
Good luck you two! Aim for the Save!!!
Judge's Rankings:
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
1. Pegasus Warrior (176 pts) 176+191= 368 pts
The Way We Move- Langhorne Slim & The Law (Science, Art, Literature, History)
FW-15, LM-17, RR-19, W-16, ZA-4= 71(1st)
Forest Whitaker- Bad Books (Literature, Geography, Science)
FW-13, LM-15, RR-6, W-6, ZA-15= 55 (7th)
Maybe It Was Memphis- Pam Tillis (Geography, Literature, Science)
FW-5, LM-6, RR-10, W-2, ZA-19= 42 (T-13th)
Default- Django Django (Science and Physical Education)
FW-8, LM-19, RR-17, W-15, ZA-6 = 65 (2nd)
2. Gretchen Weiners (154 pts) 154+157= 311 pts
Mountain Song- Jane’s Addiction (Geography)
FW-11, LM-4, RR-7, W-9, ZA-17= 48 (11th)
Crazy Circles- Bad Company (Math)
FW-9, LM-3, RR-11, W-12, ZA-14= 49 (T-10th)
Box of Rain- Grateful Dead (Science)
FW-18, LM-14, RR-2, W-14, ZA-12= 60 (4th)
3. Orangeutang (145 pts) 145+139= 284 pts
Waidmannsheil- Rammstein (Foreign Language- German)
FW-1, LM-1, RR-12, W-4, ZA-5= 23 (16th)
Civil War- Guns N’ Roses (History)
FW-18, LM-18, RR-1, W-3, ZA-18= 58 (T-6th)
Reverse- SomeKindaWonderful (Science- Anatomy)
FW-10, LM-7, RR-9, W-19, ZA-13= 58 (T-6th)
4. Suave (126 pts) 126+152= 278 pts
Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground- Blind Willie Johnson (Science)
FW-3, LM-2, RR-13, W-13, ZA-11= 42 (T-13th)
High Five Anxiety- Nerf Herder (Physical Education)
FW-17, LM-16, RR-4, W-8, ZA-16 = 61 (3rd)
The Show Must Go On- Shining Wizado (Physical Education)
FW-14, LM-11, RR-5, W-10, ZA-9= 49 (T-10th)
5. Knailsic Loves to Boogie (111 pts) 111+162= 273 pts
Ghost Rider- Suicide (Literature)
FW-7, LM-13, RR-14, W-17, ZA-8= 59 (5th)
Johnny Appleseed- Joe Strummer and The Mescaleros (History)
FW-12, LM-10, RR-8, W-11, ZA-10= 51 (9th)
San Franciscan Nights- Eric Burdon & The Animals (Geography)
FW-6, LM-9, RR-16, W-18, ZA-3= 52 (8th)
6. Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark (143 pts) 143+106= 249 pts
Flying Whales- Gojira (Science: Biology, Oceanography, Astronomy, Meterology)
FW-4, LM-8, RR-15, W-1, ZA-1= 29 (15th)
Los Mandados- Vicenete Fernandez (Foreign Language- Spanish)
FW-2, LM-5, RR-18, W-5, ZA-2 = 32 (14th)
England Belongs to Me- Coco Sparrer ft. Dan “The Outlaw” Hardy (Geography, Sports- Fight Song)
FW-16, LM-12, RR-3, W-7, ZA-7= 45 (12th)
Judges' Rankings by Song:
{Spoiler}{Spoiler}
1. The Way We Move- Langhorne Slim & The Law (Science, Art, Literature, History) (Pegasus Warrior)
FW-15, LM-17, RR-19, W-16, ZA-4= 71
2. Default- Django Django (Science and Physical Education) (Pegasus Warrior)
FW-8, LM-19, RR-17, W-15, ZA-6 = 65
3. High Five Anxiety- Nerf Herder (Physical Education) (suave)
FW-17, LM-16, RR-4, W-8, ZA-16 = 61
4. Box of Rain- Grateful Dead (Science) (Gretchen Weiners)
FW-18, LM-14, RR-2, W-14, ZA-12= 60
5. Ghost Rider- Suicide (Literature) (Knailsic Loves to Boogie)
FW-7, LM-13, RR-14, W-17, ZA-8= 59
T-6. Civil War- Guns N’ Roses (History) (Orangeutan)
FW-18, LM-18, RR-1, W-3, ZA-18= 58
T-6. Reverse- SomeKindaWonderful (Science- Anatomy) (Orangeutan)
FW-10, LM-7, RR-9, W-19, ZA-13= 58
7. Forest Whitaker- Bad Books (Literature, Geography, Science) (Pegasus Warrior)
FW-13, LM-15, RR-6, W-6, ZA-15= 55
8. San Franciscan Nights- Eric Burdon & The Animals (Geography) (Knailsic Loves to Boogie)
FW-6, LM-9, RR-16, W-18, ZA-3= 52
9. Johnny Appleseed- Joe Strummer and The Mescaleros (History) (Knailsic Loves to Boogie)
FW-12, LM-10, RR-8, W-11, ZA-10= 51
T-10. Crazy Circles- Bad Company (Math) (Gretchen Weiners)
FW-9, LM-3, RR-11, W-12, ZA-14= 49
T-10. The Show Must Go On- Shining Wizado (Physical Education) (suave)
FW-14, LM-11, RR-5, W-10, ZA-9= 49
11. Mountain Song- Jane’s Addiction (Geography) (Gretchen Weiners)
FW-11, LM-4, RR-7, W-9, ZA-17= 48
12. England Belongs to Me- Coco Sparrer ft. Dan “The Outlaw” Hardy (Geography, Sports- Fight Song) (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)
FW-16, LM-12, RR-3, W-7, ZA-7= 45
T-13. Maybe It Was Memphis- Pam Tillis (Geography, Literature, Science) (Pegasus Warrior)
FW-5, LM-6, RR-10, W-2, ZA-19= 42
T-13. Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground- Blind Willie Johnson (Science) (suave)
FW-3, LM-2, RR-13, W-13, ZA-11= 42
14. Los Mandados- Vicenete Fernandez (Foreign Language- Spanish) (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)
FW-2, LM-5, RR-18, W-5, ZA-2 = 32
15. Flying Whales- Gojira (Science: Biology, Oceanography, Astronomy, Meterology) (Gus Richelen, Inuyasha Mark)
FW-4, LM-8, RR-15, W-1, ZA-1= 29
16. Waidmannsheil- Rammstein (Foreign Language- German) (Orangeutan)
FW-1, LM-1, RR-12, W-4, ZA-5= 23
. And the lawsuits!!!
