The things that you have to do if you want to become a FAN Idol....
Hitting the airwaves from the Eugene Arnold Oakerlund FAN radio studio, everybody's favorite AM radio show, DJ Waffel and the Naitch, was breaking from commercial. The Host introduced the show's next guest, none other than FAN Idol Season IX's very own Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark. Gus looked around, noting the waffle press telephone, the complimentary syrup dispenser, the craft table with pancakes and bagels and sighed. There was living your gimmick (Gus noted the weight of his sword housed in his sheath alongside his back) and then there was living your gimmick.
Waffle (consulting his notes, seeing his cue from the FAN producer): Rise and Shine, Freakin' Awesome Network (pushes a button on his console that makes a rooster noise)! I'm your host, DJ Waffel, and you all know my co-host, the one and only, wheelin' and dealin', kiss stealin' son of a gun Mr. B. Nature Boy himself!
(Miz B. Natural, dressed in an NWA-era Ric Flair inspired sequined robe let out a long WOOOOOOOOO and strutted a bit in the room)
Natural (Putting on a pair of pricey sunglasses): All the ladies do, big man! Wooooo!
Waffle: And today we have a very special guest, FAN Idol's incomparable Gus Richlen! Idol contestant, former judge, and from what I've heard, something of an amateur pilot, is that right?
Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark: Gotta hand it to you Waffle, you do your research. Yes, I received my pilot's license a few years back after the Great Board War. You remember those days, don't you? Anyway, got to travel the world a bit, found my new home in Dublin, Ireland, recorded "Center" right at my farm there.
Natural: I remember that one time up your jet liner, heh! That was one Plane Ride from Hell! Made that one custom made ride, jack! (Woos. Waffle plays the opening bars for "Thus Spake Zarathustra")
Gus Richlen (shaking his head a bit with a laugh): We found out that day why they call you the Natural (chuckle)! But, no, it's been quite a ride and I can't wait to see what's next for the Season. I like my odds, you know, but then (a bit of a lilt to his voice) I always do.
Waffle perked his head up a bit and saw his producer gesture from behind the recording studio glass.
Waffle: Ah yes, we've gotten some questions from our audience, isn't that right Naitch? (to the FAN Universe) Keep on sending your questions and we'll have Gus answer them right here and right now on the Waffle station! And maybe we'll even get some footage of Mr. Richlen flashing his sword and twirling it a bit for the folks at home!
The first few questions came in: the standard fare about influences (High school band teacher who once fought Gregg Allman in a chain match at a USWA show to promote a supermarket opening in Tennessee; the sound the rain makes on the tin roof back home; The Song that started it all for him: an improbable tune by Hank Williams celebrating Japanese robots), which FAN judge is the HOTTEST and which is the NOTTEST (HOTTEST- Waffle in the morning, NOTTEST- Waffle in the evening), the theme of Gus's next album (Mazes and Amazements, whatever that means).
And then the phone calls came in. Screening was not a particular strength of Waffle and Natural's producer.
French guy talking about snakes and joking that he needed Gus to help him breed two cobras named Daft and Punk; another guy with a voice as slow as molasses talking about how cool doom metal was and how Gus needed to use a doom metal song later on in the game, then said that he should go back to sleep as 16 hours was just not enough time for him to hang upside down and take a nap; one particularly vitriolic caller-in who talked about spider webs and caught flies and wouldn't it be fabulous if that dumb Tyger got caught in a net and-
Waffle: Well, we're out of time! (Sees a bunch of radio equipment blink with crazy lights and start to hum loudly) Oh shit! I mean, Naitch anything you got to say to Gus?
Natural: To be the Idol, WOOOOO, you have to beat the Idol!!!! WOOOOO!!!
(A bunch of calls came in, the FAN radio producer seemingly unable to stop them, and one caller got on air and talked about Gus and Country music and how that wasn't even a real sword that he carries around and anime and how video game music was great and no one likes comedy records anymore and how awesome his Sim is and...)
Gus, looking around at the frantic Hosts and the Producer arguing about someone challenging them to a Fall Brawl or something similar sounding: (Shrugs) Wasn't the worst radio show I've done.
All things considered, some of the other FAN contestants didn't have it so bad either.
Orangeutang felt rather uncomfortable on the children's show set. His tinkering around at the FAN labs did result in a rather exciting development: he was not longer an orangutan (in shape at least, maybe he was in spirit). No, he was a fully formed human being again, with glossy Orange hair and rather cat-like Orange eyes the color of smokey wine. Not bad, not bad at all. Orangeutang still consumed bananas in bulk but it felt more like a choice instead of a must-do.
De-aped, he received a phone call to appear on a FAN public access channel children's show, Dr. Cornfed's Robot Farm, to sing a few songs and promote FAN Idol Season IX.
Orangeutang found himself surrounded by hordes of screaming young FANs wearing sparkly t-shirts with cartoon snakes and robots on them. They cheered each song that the would-be FAN Idol played on his acoustic guitar, music about bubbling rivers gently flowing across happy meadows. Orangeutang was very much taking a page from the Sharon, Lois & Bram playbook when it came to gentle tunes and wacky animals.
Orangeutang (Strumming along): Elephant! Elephant! Big Tall Loud and Elegant! Elegant! Happy and Gray and Smart as a Whip! The Elephant jumps and Flips! Flips! Flips!
The kids in the audience screamed and danced. The snake puppet host and his robot friend muppeted their way up to Orangeutang and, bobbing their heads back and forth, started to sing along with their guest. Slippy the Snake and Ricky Robot asked the kids if they wanted to hear more songs from Orangeutang. To a chorus of cheers, Orangeutang continued his concert, thankful for an opportunity to escape the pressures attendant with trying to become FAN Idol.
Orangeutang played songs about the Smiling Sun that cheered up his pal, the Frowning Moon, by getting the stars to spell out the lyrics to a song he sang about the Sky and thrilled the audience with tales about the Gorilla Gang and the time they found Magician's Wardrobe near the Mung-Mung tree. The less monkey than normal FAN contestant danced an Irish jig about the Luck of the Irish with Fox O'Neal and played ice hockey with the ultra-competitive Penny Penguin. The Orangeutang had a blast: after splicing DNA and writing out countless theorems and sundry chemical formulas on a blackboard, it was delightful to hang out with some puppets. Sock puppets, string puppets, the clown puppets that Demented used to spook Tyger when he was trying to sleep: Puppets were Orangeutang's kind of people.
Slippy the Snake: Now kids, ol' Mr. Orangetuang has to go back to FAN Island (Awwww!!! went the kids in the crowd, many of them clutching little Orangeutang dolls) but, before he does, he's promised to play one more song. Isn't that right, Ricky Robot?
Ricky Robot: COMPUTING! COMPUTING! BUFFERING 1...2...3... THAT IS CORRECT, SLIPPY!!! (Strings move, turning Ricky Robot to face Orangeutang) QUERY! WHAT SONG SHALL YOU TERMINATE YOUR MUSICAL SESSION ON DR. CORNFED'S ROBOT FARM WITH?
Orangeutang: Why Ricky Robot, I think I should play... Monkey has a Tail!!!
Orangeutang (playing his guitar): Monkey has a Tail! Monkey has a Tail! (looking at the smiling kids) Then he got on a boat and caught himself a Whale! Monkey has a Whale! Monkey has a Whale! Then he went to a Garden and grew himself some Kale! Monkey has some Kale! Monkey has some Kale! Then he went to the Market and put it on Sale! Monkey has some Kale! Monkey has a Sale! Monkey has a Sale!
Orangeutang closed the show by teaching Slippy the Snake to play the guitar (it was not easy to say the least) and singing a duet with Ricky Robot about Space Apes.
At Dean Douglas High's School Gym, Cher Horowitz and Thank You Based Suave were performing for the Homecoming kids who used this opportunity to take a break from Finals study (I mean, who cares that Hector Guerrero was the Gobbedly Gooker anyway? The things you have to learn to graduate high school). The Based Suave updated his Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr between songs, as a sassy Cher Horowitz scolded him: "OMG why do you keep posting? You're gonna get in trouble with all those tweets. I don't do that cause I don't want to say something dumb. (points to her sequined white shoes) You see how picky I am about these and they only go on my feet and not on some blog!"
Thank You Based Suave responded, tuning his bass string: "You shouldn't care what people think of you. Just post the shit that happens. Based means being yourself. Not being scared of what people think about you. Not being afraid to do what you wanna do." Suave looked at the teens dancing in front of the stage that Cher and himself played from. They were neatly dressed in prom dresses and ill-fitting tuxedos, nervous but having a great time. A banner with former WWE superstar Dean Douglas's head stitched on it with the school colors (Blue and Gold) ran the length of the rafters above the stage. Many of the school's faculty, Kash Flagg, former Idol contestant Double H, Retro, were congregated around the punch bowl, suspiciously swaying back and forth, enjoying paper cups of the Triple Threat punch.
(The punch was discovered before any students drank it. Thankfully Jerry "The King" Lawler was not around)
Cher Horowitz addressed the students and named the Homecoming Macho King and Macho Queen, as Thank You Based Suave mentally checked off all the girls that he danced with so far at the party, students and faculty, noting that he still needed to study a bit for the Horsemen exam coming up on Friday. Cher said "And, like, here's another song we have. (hears the reverb on Suave's bass) That was way harsh, suave! Kind of cool, though." Cher Horowitz sang an ultra-poppy punk song that made the students dance without abandon and, as suave's bass guitar bounded like a lion after its prey, loud and pitchy, Cher noticed that Knailsic Loves to Boogie sat alone in the corner, playing his bass to himself.
Cher walked over towards him after playing a song about a stretch limo filled with strawberry flavored champagne, noting that suave continued playing solo, getting his fellow studios to form a dance line and telling that being based was positive.
Cher (walking over to Knailsic): Hey nerd. How's it going?
Knailsic (continuing to play his bass and not looking up): suave's bass needs to be tuned.
Cher: Yeah, probably. Say, why aren't you dancing with the cool kids?
Knailsic: Heh, I'm the cool kid here. Why don't you tell them to play the bass with me?
Cher: Oh, ok, Mr. Cool. As if.
Knailsic (Chuckling): What about you and suave (sees suave dancing and having a great time, singing with a terrific voice)? Shouldn't you be singing too? Or does he have that covered?
Cher: (frowning a bit): He does sing better than I do, what would I bring to the band? (Rolling her eyes) Plus, you know I'm a loner.
Knailsic: Yeah. (Goes back to his bass, about to start a song)
Cher: Hey, uh, want to dance?
Knailsic: ? Really? I mean, aren't you a bit ol- (Noticing the look of death on Cher's face) I mean experienced to want to dance with me?
Cher: Oh, you scaredy cat. C'mon (yanks Knailsic up to his feet and drags him to the dance floor), I'm too awesome not to dance with.
They danced a few songs, suave tuning his bass finally, and they moved quietly together, friends being friends, sharing stories and smiles.
Somewhere along the Great Highways of America.
Pegasus Warrior sighed and looked at the cars lined up around him, insect-like, frozen in mid-step. Traffic. Not much one could do about it.
He figured that he could call Tyger up and ask to be picked by the Flying Ship Madison Carter II. He could also backtrack a bit on foot and spend the night at a Motel Six. He packed lightly for the road trip, the harp, the guitar, his mixtape, an energy bar or two. Water. He had his ideas and they were enough to pass the time.
He exited his car and walked over to the passenger side. It was a hot afternoon, the sun directly overhead. He could feel the frustration seething from the other drivers stuck in traffic.
Pegasus Warrior started to play his harp, oblivious to his surroundings. The eyes and ears of the other drivers began to take notice. His fingers were fast, his words light, the songs kept coming one after another. Soon he switched over to his guitar and a crowd start to form around him.
The music was delicate, unadorned. His voice was clear and everything started to hush. Frustrated horns ceased to beep. Engines were cut off, drivers finally resigned to waiting for unknown hours. Radios turned off, cell phone conversations ended. The music played on.
I've won this two times, Pegasus Warrior thought to himself. Maybe I can make it a third.
And here are the results for
Round 39: Another Day in the Life of... . You know, I look over the Seasons and see how many Rounds I've hosted. I know I've hosted a lot of them. I stumbled upon the Round concepts for Rounds 38 and 39 as I thought about what it would be like to be a musician. I'm not musically inclined at all; my brother is and he would tell me stories about being on tour as part of his drum and bugle corps (he's not military but the corps that he marched with essentially grew out of it). He has road stories and I really don't. Coming up with the Round concept, one that I had to do out of necessity do to the Save being used, I thought about what it would be like to be a musician.
I hope, as we play this game, that the contestants and Judges have had similar thoughts. What must it like to be a contestant on American Idol? What must it be like to make your money playing music in dive bars, county fairs, being a club dj? What's it like for David Bowie or Kayne West or Josh Homme to wake up in the morning? What does Beyonce do in her down time? How does Tony Iommi prepare for a tour? What must it like to sign your first record deal, to play a song on Sesame Street, to argue for a song to be included on your new record because, damnit, that's how I really want to sound?
We can all think about it and, hey, we don't have to actually do any of that and feel the stress of going through such things.
Anyway, back to the game.
This particular Sing-Off will be the most important yet, as we arrive at our Final Four contestants. The next elimination will be decided after three more Rounds that will surely test the musical resources that yet remain with our contestants. At this point, anyone can win. There is not a single "weak" contestant left. Playing 39 Rounds have refined your musical choices, your playing styles. I've thrown all I've had to challenge you up to this point and, while I still have some tricks up my sleeve, you five contestants have come out incredibly strong. This has become a battle of attrition and no one is safe. Conversely, every one has an opportunity yet to select amazing music.
The winner of
Round 39: Another Day in the Life of..., with a score of 505 points, 275 this Round, is...
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Pegasus Warrior!!! Congratulations on winning such a difficult Round. You're in the Final Four! Pegasus scored stayed firmly on the horse and road it with the Godfather of Soul James Brown's Get Up Offa That Thing (59 pts, 8th), showed us that all of life is a stage upon which to have a show with Australian chanteuse Lenka's The Show (91 pts, 1st), busked for dimes and quarters with American throwback band The Tillers and their George Street Beat (55 pts, T-9th), and celebrate the end of days with Mega star arena rock cum alt. heroes Muse and their apocalyptic hymn Time is Running Out (70 pts, 4th)!!! Congratulations!!!
Taking Silver, in second place with a total of 464 points, 203 this Round, is a contestant who fits right in with a bunch of Moppets...
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Cher Horowitz!!! who continues to watch each Round fall, one by one, with alt. legends The Screaming Trees' Look At You (69 pts, 5th), helped us all loosen up our work-a-day chains and get us to dance with The Dixie Chicks' Some Days you Gotta Dance (40 pts, 12th), prowled around and giving us all some bad luck with Janet "Ms. Jackson if you're nasty" Jackson's raucous Black Cat (38 pts, 13th), and celebrated the legendary Galveston, Texas bar the Balinese Room (possible home of the Margarita) with the beards of ZZ Top (56 pts, 8th). Cher Horowitz also did the Zoolander face, bringing Blue Steel with Spoon's I Turn My Camera On (35 pts, 14th)!!!
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Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark.
Orangeutang.
Thank You Based Suave.
Please Step forward.
You three are the lowest scoring contestants for Round 39: Another Day in the Life of... . One of you is safe from the Elimination Round, while the other two must face each other to decide the last member of the Final Four. It's almost not fair, at this point, to be on the bottom. The music that our contestants have brought to the last few Rounds have been of the upmost quality. At other points in this Season, that music would likely place them highly in the rankings. As we wind down this Season, the eliminations will be of great importance, the contestants that have to leave us will be a big loss. As this is a game and the aim is to have fun ultimately, it is to be expected. The Elimination Sing-Offs have maintained a high quality as well and this one should prove to be one of the most hotly contested of the Season. Whoever moves on at this moment and whoever survives the Sing-Off, will be prime position to advance farther in this Season.
The contestant who is safe now, heading to the next Round with 421 points, 270 points this Round, should raise a glass and say cheers...
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Orangeutang!!! You're moving on to the Final Four!!! You puzzled but intrigued us with the strange Left Hand Free by English indie band alt-J (49 pts, 10th), paid tribute to Marvin Gaye and the book Lolita with synth pop band Spandau Ballet's True (71 pts, T-2nd), made us come to our feet and headband at the altar of the Metal God Dio and his Stand Up and Shout (75 pts, T-2nd), and told us the legendary love story of Van Morrison's timeless Brown Eye Girl (also 75 pts, T-2nd)!!!
That means that the Elimination Sing-Off will be held between:
Thank You Based Suave!!! who scored a total of 380 points, 203 this Round, with the Sea-side ecstasies of the Drifters Under the Boardwalk (61 pts, 7th), the peerless garage rock straight from the Animal House of The Kingsmen and their enigmatic Louie Louie (55 pts, T-9th), the lush power pop of the Turtles breathtaking So Happy Together (57 pts, 7th), and the self-affirming r&b sound of J.Cole's star-packed Crooked Smile, featuring R&B legends TLC (30 pts, 15th)!!!
Not to be outdone, Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark gathered 371 total points, 149 this Round, selecting the electro carpe diem message of mega star DJ and electronica proponent Fatboy Slim and his Right Here, Right Now (14 pts, 17th), REO Speedwagon's tale of snow and wind based off of a night stranded at bar called Tulagi's, Ridin' The Storm Out (Live) (64 pts, 6th), the acoustic stylings of power pop mainstays the Gin Blossoms and their Follow You Down (44 pts, 11st), and Jason Aldean's ballad about finding that one right spot for love, Night Train (27 pts, 16th)!!!
Good luck you two! Anything can happen and this is the most important Sing-Off yet!
Judges' Rankings:
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1. Pegasus Warrior- 505 pts (230+275= 505)
Get Up Offa That Thing- James Brown (What I Want to Do)
FW-14, GM-17, MB-5, RR-7, W-16=59 (8th)
The Show- Lenka (Kid’s Show)
FW-15, GM-19, MB-18, RR-20, W-19= 91 (1st)
George Street Beat- The Tillers (Side of the Road)
FW-3, GM-10, MB-15, RR-21, W-6= 55 (T-9th)
Time is Running Out- Muse (High Concept)
FW-8, GM-15, MB-17, RR-9, W-21= 70 (4th)
2. Cher Horowitz- 464 pts (261+203= 464)
I Turn My Camera On- Spoon (High Concept)
FW- 4, GM-6, MB-3, RR-10, W-12= 35 (14th)
Look at you- Screaming Trees (Special Someone)
FW- 19, GM-5, MB-11, RR-19, W-15= 69 (5th)
Some Days You Gotta Dance- Dixie Chicks (Moppets)
FW-10, GM-1, MB-4, RR-18, W-7= 40 (12th)
Black Cat- Janet Jackson (Super Bowl)
FW-7, GM-3, MB-7, RR-17, W-4= 38 (13th)
Balinese- ZZ Top (Side of the Road)
FW-11, GM-18, MB-8, RR-5, W-14= 56 (8th)
3. Orangeutang- 421pts (151+270= 421)
Left Hand Free- alt-J (High Concept)
FW-9, GM- 14, MB-2, RR-14, W-10= 49 (10th)
True- Spandau Ballet (Prom)
FW-2, GM-21, MB-16, RR-15, W-17= 71 (3rd)
Stand Up and Shout- Dio (Halftime Show)
FW-16, GM-9, MB-19, RR-13, W-18= 75 (T-2nd)
Brown Eye Girl- Van Morrison
FW-17, GM-13, MB-9, RR-16, W-20= 75 (T-2nd)
4. Suave- 389 pts (186+203= 389)
Under the Boardwalk- The Drifters (Drinking Song)
FW-13, GM-12, MB-13, RR-12, W-11= 61 (7th)
Louie Louie- The Kingsmen (Side of the Road)
FW-20, GM-20, MB-6, RR-4, W-5= 55 (T-9th)
The Turtles-So Happy Together (Special Someone)
FW-12, GM-11, MB-14, RR-11, W-9= 57 (7th)
J Cole-Crooked Smile (Prom)
FW-5, GM-2, MB-12, RR-8, W-3= 30 (15th)
5. Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark- 371 pts (222+149= 371)
Right Here, Right Now- Fatboy Slim (High Concept)
FW-1, GM-7, MB-1, RR-3, W-2= 14 (17th)
Ridin’ The Storm Out (Live)- REO Speedwagon (Halftime Show)
FW-18, GM-16, MB-21, RR-1, W-8= 64 (6th)
Follow You Down (Acoustic)- Gin Blossoms (Roadside)
FW- 21, GM- 8, MB-20, RR-2, W-13= 44 (11th)
Night Train (Live at CMAs)- Jason Aldean (Special Someone)
FW-6, GM-4, MB-10, RR-6, W-1= 27 (16th)
Rankings By Song:
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1. The Show- Lenka (Kid’s Show)
FW-15, GM-19, MB-18, RR-20, W-19= 91 (Pegasus Warrior)
T-2. Stand Up and Shout- Dio (Halftime Show)
FW-16, GM-9, MB-19, RR-13, W-18= 75 (Orangeutang)
T-2. Brown Eye Girl- Van Morrison
FW-17, GM-13, MB-9, RR-16, W-20= 75 (Orangeutang)
3. True- Spandau Ballet (Prom)
FW-2, GM-21, MB-16, RR-15, W-17= 71 (Orangeutang)
4. Time is Running Out- Muse (High Concept)
FW-8, GM-15, MB-17, RR-9, W-21= 70 (Pegasus Warrior)
5, Look at you- Screaming Trees (Special Someone)
FW- 19, GM-5, MB-11, RR-19, W-15= 69 (Cher Horowitz)
6. Ridin’ The Storm Out (Live)- REO Speedwagon (Halftime Show)
FW-18, GM-16, MB-21, RR-1, W-8= 64 (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)
7. Under the Boardwalk- The Drifters (Drinking Song)
FW-13, GM-12, MB-13, RR-12, W-11= 61 (suave)
8. Get Up Offa That Thing- James Brown (What I Want to Do)
FW-14, GM-17, MB-5, RR-7, W-16=59 (Pegasus Warrior)
7. The Turtles-So Happy Together (Special Someone)
FW-12, GM-11, MB-14, RR-11, W-9= 57 (suave)
8. Balinese- ZZ Top (Side of the Road)
FW-11, GM-18, MB-8, RR-5, W-14= 56 (Cher Horowitz)
T-9. George Street Beat- The Tillers (Side of the Road)
FW-3, GM-10, MB-15, RR-21, W-6= 55 (Pegasus Warrior)
T-9. Louie Louie- The Kingsmen (Side of the Road)
FW-20, GM-20, MB-6, RR-4, W-5= 55 (suave)
10. Left Hand Free- alt-J (High Concept)
FW-9, GM- 14, MB-2, RR-14, W-10= 49 (Orangeutang)
11. Follow You Down (Acoustic)- Gin Blossoms (Roadside)
FW- 21, GM- 8, MB-20, RR-2, W-13= 44 (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)
12. Some Days You Gotta Dance- Dixie Chicks (Moppets)
FW-10, GM-1, MB-4, RR-18, W-7= 40 (Cher Horowitz)
13. Black Cat- Janet Jackson (Super Bowl)
FW-7, GM-3, MB-7, RR-17, W-4= 38 (Cher Horowitz)
14. I Turn My Camera On- Spoon (High Concept)
FW- 4, GM-6, MB-3, RR-10, W-12= 35 (Cher Horowitz)
15. J Cole-Crooked Smile (Prom)
FW-5, GM-2, MB-12, RR-8, W-3= 30 (suave)
16. Night Train (Live at CMAs)- Jason Aldean (Special Someone)
FW-6, GM-4, MB-10, RR-6, W-1= 27 (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)
17. Right Here, Right Now- Fatboy Slim (High Concept)
FW-1, GM-7, MB-1, RR-3, W-2= 14 (Gus Richlen, Inuyasha Mark)