Alright then, before a night of quite possibly shitty wrestling, let's watch some definitely shitty wrestling! Let's see how many of these matches I can get through before anything actually happens on the Survivor Series kickoff... assuming the Network actually opens, it's just giving me a static WWE logo.
And after restarting the Firestick, we are a go. Alright, for now let's get through those that just grazed this portion of the list. . .
#15A - Undertaker vs. Big Boss Man
WrestleMania 15 - 10 points
This is actually a very appropriate match, because it's pretty much when Boss Man and Undertaker were both probably their coolest ever as characters but both total ass in the ring. ... Who was the crowd even supposed to be behind for this match anyway?
Okay, so Bossman is out first to his awesome music, while Lawler contrasts him with the Village People and then we get an ad for Crispy M&Ms, which I could go for right now. I forgot that, "Accept the Lord of Darkness as your savior," version of the Ministry theme was ever actually used outside of WrestleMania 2000.
Showing the Russo-next of it all, the commentators are putting over Undertaker as this huge threat and the ultimate evil, including all of the things he did with "that symbol", but they also pretty much did the same thing with Bossman. Something I've always thought really puts it into perspective how lame this match is is that WWE's Hell in a Cell compilation release included every one of them to that point
except it. They deliberately passed on being able to market it as a complete collection just due to how much this sucks.
"No athlete has ever been the same after stepping in the Cell with the Undertaker. Remember Shawn Michaels, remember Mankind. . ." And there was literally no one else to this point who fought Undertaker in the Cell. Two is a pretty small sample size.
I guess Undertaker's the face? Beginning of this match is basically just Bossman effortlessly beating the shit out of him.
Even this early you can see Taker's wannabe MMA stuff with a random takedown followed by a bunch of punches to the back. Really not a bad exchange really, though it just leads into a bunch of slow, lazy shoving Bossman into the cell wall.
"You can get a finger caught in there!"
"Finger caught in there? After all we saw Foley go through, you can get a finger caught in there?"
Even King can't believe Cole actually said that.
No, Boss Man, be careful handcuffing Undertaker, he might ironically reverse it like 15 minutes later and powerbomb you onto a chair!
You couldn't even have Taker dramatically break the handcuffs? No, they just snap from him falling to the floor. Granted given Taker stays in that one spot continuing to be beaten with the nightstick I'm assuming this probably wasn't planning.
"Look at Shawn Michaels, look at Mankind!" So we're going in circles. I guess I get it since it's not like this match is giving a lot to talk about otherwise.
The guy in the crowd turning to face the hard camera and throwing his hands up is great. That should be a GIF.
"And you were worried about his finger."
I think really the issue with this match is it's just too long. It's not even
that long, under ten minutes, but it's clear they just have nothing in the tank so you just get this slow motion brawl that goes in circles.
I forgot this was the semi-main. Why was it the semi-main?
I like how the crowd's dead silent the entire match then they pop for the Tombstone. Feels like they pretty much just wanted it to be over with.
"That's Gangrel from the Brood! That's Edge! The Brood Christian!"
They should've put a latch or something on the top of Cell for this spot, the Brood really takes an eternity to get the noose down.
I repeat, who exactly is the crowd supposed to be behind here anyway?
... Why is Edge floating in place with his arms raised not a GIF? That shit's hilarious.
So, uh. . . Who raised the Cell anyway? The Boss Man was the one serving directly under Vince.
"Could this be symbolic?! King, could this be symbolic?!" No, I'm pretty sure it's just murder. And Cole says it like 80 more times just to be sure, before transitioning while Boss Man is still dying in front of him to walking about the WrestleMania Rage Party. And with that we're out.
Okay, so the thing about that match for me is that it's really not even
that bad? I mean, it's boring and it kind of goes nowhere and it makes no sense and the crowd doesn't care but, like.... It beats watching the Shane / Undertaker Cell match that's all of those things and three times the length. Still, it's certainly not a match there's really much of anything good to say about. Can get it'd get a lot of votes but I probably wouldnt' call it an all-time disaster personally (really it's not even either one's worst PPV match in 1999), just a boring, brainless drag at a time when the product was generally much more interesting than that.
I need something lighter, softer, and fluffier after such a barbaric display of blood and hanging, anyone got any pillows?
#15B - Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson vs. Tanya Ballinger vs. Kitana Baker
WrestleMania 19 - 10 points
I feel so gross deliberately turning this on.
Who the. . . You're at WrestleMania, why the f*** would you bring a sign for the Miller Light girls? Who even heard of these people before this?
Stacy really has this huge, "Grin and bear it, grin and bear it," look on her face as she walks out there. It's kind of great.
Full disclosure, I love Torrie Wilson's theme. I could totally just sit down and listen to this shit.
Sign in the crowd paying, "Pound Saddam!" Erm. . . Phrasing?
Uh, Torrie wins, right? She just had Stacy pinned for like 30 seconds.
This is the most miserable pillow fight in human history. All four of them look soooooo bored.
So Stacy wins by pinning someone who wasn't even in the match?
Well, yeah. That was mercifully short but just. . . really gross and awkward. And then afterward it immediately transitions into talking about Triple H and Booker T just to rub some extra spit in it. I'm really, really glad matches like this are a thing of the past.
You know, Torrie mentioned Playboy during that, maybe it's about time we heard from a real Playboy. Perhaps of the Punjabi variety?
#15C - Kane vs. The Great Khali
WrestleMania 23 - 10 points
And after a break to run to the store time for some big men! ... Assuming the Network search actually works. Doesn't seem like it feels like it.
Looking through the highlights since the search isn't working - match isn't listed but what is is, "MVP in a Singles Match: United States Title". There had to be a less goofy way to phrase that, or you could've just... not listed it in the highlights.
And
now the search works and we're to Khali walking out to the ring alone to his heel theme. Always thought that theme was pretty decent but I definitely prefer his heel one.
Interpromotional match? But Survivor Series is supposed to be the one night a year Raw and SmackDown go head-to-head in direct competition!
Slow Chemical is the best Kane theme, don't @ me.
If they're representing Raw and SmackDown shouldn't they be wearing respectively red and blue T-shirts?
"He does see evil in Khali!" I get it!
Hey Tim and Andre, they're here! ... It's one of the signs in the crowd, I'm sure not everyone has an in-depth knowledge of Kane vs. The Great Khali at WrestleMania 23. Even on the Network search this was like the tenth match between them that came up.
I like that JR makes a comment that sounds a little insulting to Cruiserweights and then immediately backpedals to clarify it so it isn't. Good commentary move there.
I'm actually finding it really hard to even say anything about this? It's basically just a pretty standard Raw big man match.
The See No Evil hook gets a really massive pop for some reason.
HE SLAMMED HIM!
Being completely honest I've really never seen the problem with this match at all. It's short, there are some decent spots like Khali no-selling the diving clothesline, it's a decent brawl between two giants that serves its purpose of making Khali look completely unstoppable. This match really isn't bad by any means.
"He's a sadistic, vile human being!" JR, Kane's the one that brought the hook into the match, probably with the intention of stabbing Khali with it.
And Kane's right back up from the choking anyway.
Yeah, I think the post-match is really what people don't like about this one - the chain strangling is hokey and Kane just no-sells it anyway before an awkward cutaway to a promo about the women being underestimated. The actual match itself? It's not spectacular but it's really not bad at all.
Well, we're coming up on something probably actually happening at Survivor Series so I need to get this chunk of the entries over with. Hopefully the next match is short.
#15D - Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
WrestleMania 28 - 10 points
Give it this, the length of the clip on the Network is longer than the one for the one on the Miller Light Cat Fight Girls.
"Ganon! Take a drink!" What is that sign supposed to mean?
God, I forgot about when they kept trying to bill Sheamus as the Great White. God that name was horrendous.
Sheamus's eyes have this, "Oh, people are gonna hate this," look in them. He has a big grin on his face but his eyes don't look pleased.
I miss Sheamus's old theme.
I miss Bryan's old. . . Wait, he has the same one.
AJ Lee also looks like she is having none of this. Also at this time she didn't have a last name.
There are SO many YES! signs in the crowd. I bet all those people are going to LOVE this match.
For a modern-ish WWE show there are a LOT of signs in the crowd. It's kind of jarring.
Sheamus wins! What a match!
The crowd response to this is actually really odd. There's a huge pop for the Brogue Kick and the three but then there's kind of this gradual, "Uh. . . Wait, the. . . What?" moment over everyone.
They're replaying the
entire match? You could've fit a whole extra match on the show in that time period!
I've always hated that red back on the World title. Did we ever get any word on why that was a thing?
Okay, real quick on the Team Johnny segment after this - what on earth was up with them having everyone just dismiss Miz and act like he was completely useless? He even got the pin for the team ultimately but then it just went absolutely nowhere. So strange.
And that wraps us up on this set. I'll try and do the next few matches probably tomorrow. That next one up. . . Something about it is bugging me.