Alright, I've made everyone wait too long on me getting through some shitty wrestling, let's finish this.
#4 - Bret Hart vs. Mr. McMahon
WrestleMania 26 - 34 points
Holy shit, AEW commentator Justin Roberts!
Return the Hitman is still a really stupid name.
BRETT BEAT VINCE. Person's so invested in the match they didn't even spell it right.
Many say robbed of the *GIGANTIC PYRO*.
You know, this whole twist with Vince calling in all the Harts only for them to attack him instead would've probably worked better if right upfront Cole didn't say that Bret had made peace with his family.
"You deserve a WrestleMania-sized screwing!" That's where the WrestleMania Babies come from, right? ... Thank God you people didn't make me watch that Rock segment.
"In late 1997 Bret's contract was coming to an end, they couldn't reach an agreement." That's not really accurate, Cole. Though he is pretty good here selling his disgust at Vince.
I don't know why I ever liked Striker because he is irritating the f*** out of me so far.
Why is Bret outlining the double-cross here? Is it just to rob it of as much impact as possible?
All this talk of screwing this is the most homoerotic match this side of Buddy Murphy vs. Aleister Black.
"Bret dropped off the face of the planet as far as the fans are concerned." I... I don't think that's accurate, Jerry.
. . . Why have a bit with Vince chasing off the entire family with a crowbar? Did he really need to get his heat in?
Why did Bruce dump the crowbar out of the ring just so Kidd could immediately put it back in?
Another thing to be irritated at Striker for, he used that stupid, "International object," phrase.
Good show of how much they didn't get it when putting this together, the crowd goes
insane when Bret starts teasing the sharpshooter then they switch to just booing the second he lets it go.
I really don't even know what to say at this point, it's just one helpless guy being hit with move after move after move after move. It's like I'm watching another Roman Reigns match.
Who actually is the heel commentator here? Lawler and Striker both keep going back and forth between praising Vince and saying he has it coming.
Even the commentators are just clearly uncomfortable with this at this point.
Yeah, that match is. . . very, very not good. I remembered thinking it was terrible but seeing it again it's just this right mix of uncomfortable and boring. I can't see why anyone would ever want to rewatch this match, I certainly don't ever want to again. Though I'll give it this. At least I understand what this match was going for. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if it were the same thing but the heel won anyway. But I'm sure that won't come up. . .
How is there a VINCE FEARS DIXIE sign that clearly visible?
Coming up next, we have. . . a tie! Another tie, yes. We got any options who are even less capable of getting around a ring than 2010 Bret Hart?
#2A - Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
WrestleMania 9 - 42 points
People, stop putting Undertaker in the semi-main of WrestleMania.
Why were the commentators screaming at each other.at the start of this clip?
"A man that surrounds himself with all darkness brings so much light to people all over the world." That's actually kind of a badass line.
Did they have to make it so obvious the bird was clearly desperately wanting to get away but was bound down? Just don't do the closeup on it, guys.
Giant Gonzalez, the original Shitty Little Boots.
So why was that low blow not a DQ?
Honestly the start of this match really does kind of work, Taker just throwing all his moves at this guy absolutely towering over him trying to find the way to wear him down. Granted it'd be a lot easier to take seriously without the airbrushed ass cheeks.
And then it turns into a prolonged chinlock where neither side is really holding up their end at all.
Really I think the biggest problem with this match is that if the intent was to put over Gonzalez as this huge threat and prolong the feud, which going by the non-finish and SummerSlam it apparently was, it's doing a horrible job of it. Not that Gonzalez was great anyway but he really just comes off as a total one-trick pony here with his size and Taker basically completely outclasses him immediately.
Wait, wait, chloroform is just fine so long as you don't go past a five count?
For the record I'm doing this the courtesy of watching the post-match stuff since I feel like that's the especially stupid and bad part of it given all of the random stalling and Taker just shrugging the whole thing off anyway.
Crowd, WHY would you want to watch a Giant Gonzalez vs. Hulk Hogan match?
I forgot just how badly Gonzalez sells that jumping clothesline. He just kind of steps back then gently lies down.
Why would Bearer pull Taker back? Besides just to stall to SummerSlam?
So by any chance can the next match be one where even less happens?
#2B - Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg
WrestleMania 20 - 42 points
The voice search on the Network is REALLY shit for the record. Thought I was searching for Barack Gold Bird.
What's up with the sound effect before the glass on Austin's music here?
Feels like this crowd didn't come particularly caring about this to start with because even Austin's really barely getting a reaction here.
Were they using poor speakers or something? Lesnar's music sounds deeper and lower quality than usual here. Also JR's commentary sounds pretty muffled. Granted I guess it could just be my connection acting up but I don't think it is.
"It is about finality. Who is the man?" Neither of these two is Becky Lynch and it's not the last time this happened.
God, I forgot Brock's terrible little goatee here.
I know it's a tight hallway but where's your security, Bill?
"This is not gonna be an amateur match, this is gonna be a street fight!" Ahahahaha, just you wait Jim.
"This match could only happen at WrestleMania 20!" Again, not quite.
This match is kind of grosser to revisit than I expected. I'm so glad fans these days are nowhere near as vindicative over when people dare leave WWE and if anything actively encourage it.
Even Austin's kind of like, "Guys, do something!"
Plus side this is already longer than their Survivor Series match.
I feel like the stalling at the start is what really kills this. There was still
some investment in Goldberg for his entrance but the crowd is just having none of this with the staredown.
Pft, I forgot how just to make JR's street fight comment even dumber the match opens with an extended test of strength.
Case in point, then they start chanting for Goldberg again when the action actually starts-ish.
And then they start shitting on it again when they go back to nothing actually happening.
"This crowd getting very impatient wanting these guys to rip each other apart." At least JR is trying to spin it, Lawler's just being annoying.
And crowd goes back to being invested when Goldberg does a real move for once.
Thankfully Goldberg never again had a terrible match where he drilled himself into the post.
And now a, "Goldberg sucks!" chant. Random.
I will give Lawler credit for trying to spin that chant as a brand loyalty thing.
Just what this match needed, a resthold.
Good point, how was Austin as the referee supposed to be fair when Austin was affiliated with Raw and actively helping Goldberg out during the feud anyway?
I did not realize how long this match actually is. I kind of just remembered it as they stare at each other for like five minutes then three moves happen.
Why did Goldberg pin him by way of doing an Anaconda Vise?
Whatver, F-5 happens, another spear, Jackhammer, it's over. I feel like this match wouldn't be nearly as bad if not for the stalling and if the crowd remotely gave a damn about it but yeah, it's pretty bad.
Stunner, beer, Stunner, you know the drill.
I was gonna wait to do #1 later but you all know what it is.
Wait, why is the preview thumbnail for the 2017 Royal Rumble match a staredown between Chris Jericho and Big Cass?
#1 - Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler
WrestleMania 27 - 94 points
Look at that score. More than double second place. Yeah, it became VERY obvious very quickly this was going to run away with the top spot.
The Network section for this match is 30 minutes? WHY? Also I knew they did multiple PPV matches for some reason but I had no clue they also had a Raw match.
Well, at least we've got Booker T on commentary.
So when's Austin getting his WrestleMania refereeing redemption anyway?
Did they really need to fit in a Cole promo? Hadn't he been doing that all f***ing night anyway?
Being fair, here, being fair - Shawn Michaels? Defeated at WrestleMania. Undertaker? Defeated at WrestleMania. Michael Cole? Undefeated at WrestleMania. He truly is Mr. WrestleMania.
Did Swagger seriously have to get a separate entrance? And why is he wearing his gear?
Okay, the look of horror on Swagger's face as Austin came behind him was funny. Dumb bit having him stand there for forever just for the last minute avoiding being run over, though, he had ample time to get away before that.
Even Austin's entrance goes on for an absolute eternity here.
"The host of Tough Enough is here tonight! That's my dog!"
Remember when in the build King had new music for one week for some reason?
Also why is he dressed like MK3 Kano?
So wouldn't it have been a DQ if Swagger had actually managed to hit there?
Think it's supposed to be a Venom shirt but this guy behind the Cole Mile looks so much like a time-travelling Finn Balor fan.
So if the Anonymous Raw GM wanted to protect Cole or whatever why didn't it just declare a double count out after that half hour they spent outside the ring.
Austin's really bad at this whole refereeing thing, just constantly turning his back while Swagger is clearly attacking Lawler over and over outside.
Corbin / Reigns was WAY more similar to this match than is really at all excusable. So many obvious parallels between the two to this point and it's just insane they apparently learned nothing from this bullshit. Then again that was evident at the time considering this feud continued for
months after the fact.
At least the Cole horrifically botching the Swagger Bomb was a decent basis for a joke... other than the fact Lawler actually sold it for some reason.
Yeah, they really needed to just pick one with this match. Either have Cole dominate and have Lawler ultimately get his revenge, or have Lawler crush him but do the fake out for the actual result (or better yet, do neither and just have Lawler squash him, the end). Trying to do both just makes this an utterly miserable experience.
Plus side at least Swagger's genuinely into this. He's super fired up selling his part in the match.
Yeah, this entire thing is just kind of overshadowed knowing the stupid f***ing finish. Every little thing I'm just like, "Yeah, but too bad X." Hard match to watch with fresh eyes because while it sucks besides that the finish is what really kills it.
I will give it that Austin's, "Do you give up?" while Cole is desperately screaming and tapping is kind of funny.
. . . Why did Austin's music kick in?
Booker and Austin are on pretty good terms for once having brawled in a supermarket.
I don't understand why there's a sign for Meat but it's the highlight of the match.
See, Book, that's what you f***ing get for Vengeance 2001.
God, they wait
forever to reverse the decision. This just goes on and on and on before that point just to especially waste your time.
On one hand Josh didn't really do anything wrong here, on the other f*** Josh.
Who brought a Perry Saturn sign?
And that concludes us on the worst WrestleMania has to offer. I hope everyone enjoyed me rambling about a bunch of terrible matches. If nothing else hopefully more than you enjoyed a lot of these matches. I'd hate to think I'm less funny than Cole / Lawler.