Samoa Joe VS Chuck Norris

["St. Louis Viper" Buck Summers]

stevieraymark said:

samoa joe shot JR .James Bond calls Joe for advice. Joe was once dared to eat all the french fries he could handle this resulted in the great Irish potatoe famine . Samoa joe taught Michael Jackson how to dance and MJ took all the credit for it one ole kick later and look at the disfigurement. to this day jacko still hasnt performed. Joe is cartmans father. The Texas Chainsaw massacre is actually based on the day Joe woke up in a good mood. the reason matt hardy will not die is because he befriended joe during his brief stint in roh this alone makes anybody immortal .

Those are AWESOME. Aight, lemme try this:

Jimmy Hoffa bumped into Joe once without saying sorry.

Joe once kicked the Ultimate Warrior in the head. The result was every Warrior promo ever.

[HMARK Center]

Samoa Joe can find Parts Unknown.

[KLRA]

Some people attribute the fall of communism to Ronald Regan. Not true. When the Ruskies found out that the United States had Joe as their weapon, the Berlin Wall immediatly fell, and the rest, as they say, is history.

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

Here are some, but Jack Bauer version.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re pretty much screwed.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack f***ing Bauer.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade almost as much as terrorists.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a terrorist.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

They say you can't go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back.

When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer f***in' hates lemonade.

As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar... and Jack Bauer is going to find out why...

Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer has no friends, because as a child when he would play cops and robbers, the robbers would all be interogated and killed.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer snapped a store clerk in half because he had said "Have a nice day!" Nobody tells Jack Bauer what to do.

Jack Bauer doesn't read a book. He tortures it until he has all the information he needs.

Jack Bauer can watch all 5 seasons of 24 in 24 hours

While away from CTU, Jack Bauer enjoys sniping at people in phone booths

[xsonicassassinx]

farooq saw joe naked. hence the "DAMN!"

luchadores have inferiority complexes. they wear masks because they cant match the great looks of samoa joe.

when joe saw the PP promo featuring samolain joe, he caught up with the guy in the parking lot and ate him

when joe faced kurt angle, chuck norris stood and applaud. both times.

[samachine]

Samoa Joe jobs to Saturn and lives to tell the tale.

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

If God wanted people to live forever, he would not have created Samoa Joe

[Ultimate Reality]

When Chuck Norris landed a CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK on Samoa Joe, his foot shattered into a thousand pieces. Each piece regenerated into a mini-chuck, which Joe stomped flat. Joe scraped up the jellied mini-chucks, smeared them on his face and immediately grew a full beard.

With the awesomeness of Joe now augmented by the power of beard, Chuck Norris knew that he could not possibly triumph in this battle. He tried to impale himself on a samurai sword, but alas,the blade would not penetrate his flesh. He shook Joe's hand, and apologised for attempting to decapitate him with a CNRhK. Norris slowly walked out of the IMPACT! Zone, a defeated man, resigned to walking the earth for all eternity, his head hung in shame because of the one opponent he could not vanquish.

[-Lithium-]

Chuck Norris sucks. Joe rules...

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

As a teen Samoa Joe impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Samoa Joe built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Joe met all three bullets with his hair, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Samoa Joe sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled wrestling ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Joe roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Samoa Joe lent Samuel L Jackson his wallet for the diner scene in "Pulp Fiction"

Crop circles are Samoa Joe's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Samoa Joe had with my wife once and taped it. He showed me the tape and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

At Joe's bachelor party, he ate the entire cake before people could tell him there was a in it.

Samoa Joe is a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!

Samoa Joe once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to himself.

Samoa Joe's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Vince McMahon.

Samoa Joe wears a live rattlesnake as a .

Samoa Joe bottles his own . It is now distributed and sold internationally under the name Red Bull.

Samoa Joe, instead of sleeping, stares at his reflection in the mirror, listening to "Afternoon Delight", mouthing the words. He does this until he feels it is time to kill again.

Samoa Joe once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.

Samoa Joe performed his own circumcision with a machete and a blowtorch.

When Samoa Joe jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Joe.

There are only a few things common between people and Samoa Joe. For instance, Samoa Joe s emo people too.

Star Wars was based on Joe's real life experience in another galaxy. Interestingly there were no Ewoks, droids, starships, jedi, or aliens, but there were lightsabers. Good god were there lightsabers...

In space, Samoa Joe can hear you scream.

Samoa Joe bites straight into hot pizza, without blowing first.

Mr. Peanut walks with a cane because of a run-in with Samoa Joe

Onslaught - (on-slot) n.
1. The situation occurring immediately after you let Samoa Joe inside your house. (syn. "the devouring of your children")

Samoa Joe recently added 'moose' to his "Animals That Tried to Fight Me and Lost" list.

Samoa Joe once drank an entire keg of lemonade with his . Just to prove he could do it.

Samoa Joe taught Bruce Lee Jeet Kune Do, and let him say he invented it in return for a bag of teriyaki flavored ramen noodles.

Samoa Joe was the first man to land on the moon, but since his first words uttered were: "I claim this land in the name of the Hamburglar!", the American Government was forced to create the conspiracy we all know today.

Samoa Joe once saved a busload of orphans from going off a cliff, but only to consume them because he hadn't had breakfast that morning.

Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Samoa Joe does in fact have one of those.

The Asteroid Belt is all that remains of an ancient civilization that was destroyed four billion years ago by Samoa Joe when they ran out of corn dogs.

If you give a man a fish you will feed him for a day. If you give Samoa Joe a fish he will punch you in the face.

Samoa Joe puts his pants on two legs at a time. Standing up.

Not only was Samoa Joe the first to shoot a baby out of a cannon, he was the first to eat a high velocity baby shot out of a cannon.

Samoa Joe once performed a one-man show version of the Mortal Kombat movie.

Mary had a little lamb. Samoa Joe ate them both.

When Samoa Joe does the Hokey-Pokey, people die.

When Samoa Joe deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

It's 10 O'clock. Samoa Joe knows where your children are.

Samoa Joe beat Terry Schiavo in a staring contest.

When Samoa Joe falls off his horse he never gets back on. Why? Because he never falls off his ****ing horse.

Some people use sheepskin s. Samoa Joe just uses sheep.

Samoa Joe invented the calculus. Isaac Newton and Godfried von Liebniz are the names of his testicles.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Samoa Joe and forgot to pay him back.

On the Saving Private Ryan DVD, there's a deleted scene where Samoa Joe gets shot in the hand. Samoa Joe then proceeds to yell, "f**k you bullet" and the bullet worms its way out of Samoe Joe's hand out of fear. An alternate ending also shows Samoa Joe winning WWII and becoming president of the world.

Samoa Joe downs each meal with a cupful of Tide detergent. It comes out clean and he never has to wipe because of it.

MacGayver created Samoa Joe out of a squirrel, a piece of string, some tic-tacs, and hellfire.

Samoa Joe has never kneeled before Zod.

Samoa Joe is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Samoa Joe can actually OLE kick you yesterday.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Samoa Joe. He doesn't have to.

Samoa Joe frequently donates to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Samoa Joe was the original Master of the Universe until He-Man ged him and stole his sword. Samoa Joe retaliated by raping She-ra with He-Man's carcass, which he killed with a simple OLE kick.

Samoa Joe makes Jehovah's Witnesses eat the pamphlets they give him.

Everytime a child finds his faith, an angel gets its wings. Everytime an angel gets it's wings, Samoa Joe shoots it down with a rocket launcher, which is ironicly located in his pelvic region.

Samoa Joe once asked a man to pull his finger. Sixty years later on August 6th, people still mourn the tragedy that befell Hiroshima.

Samoa Joe possesses Excalibur.

All months used to have 32 days, but Samoa Joe demanded a sacrifice from each month. February refused to comply, so Samoa Joe f**ked the month up for good by making it the worst month ever.

Samoa joe had conclusive scientific proof that Pi equaled exactly 3, but he ate it.

Samoa Joe can gargle Peanut Butter.

One day Samoa Joe brought his famous, extremely spicy salsa dip to a party. Many people then asked for the recipie. It included his semen and several children.

Samoa Joe always has on the first date. Always.

At birth, Samoa Joe came out feet first so he could OLE kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Samoa Joe but Samoa Joe.

Samoa Joe doesnt have a keyboard for his computer, instead he stares at the screen untill his thoughts appear there.

You give a man a fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. If you ever, ever try to teach Samoa Joe about fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.

You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of Samoa Joe.

Samoa Joe can kill any man with one punch. The one time Joe missed a punch, the intended victim caught pneumonia from the wind the punch created and died anyway.

Samoa Joe can touch this, no matter what MC Hammer says.

Morrissey once sang that November Spawned a Monster. There were no such things as monsters before Samoa Joe invented November.

Samoa Joe can stand in New York and bang a ring rat in Chicago.

Samoa Joe's pubes are bigger around than your .

Samoa Joe had testicular cancer, but instead of chemo like that wuss Lance Armstrong, he popped one of his balls like a zit without wincing, then grew a new one with the power of his mind.

Samoa Joe once Ole kicked a herd of horses. Their descendents are known today as Giraffes.

Samoa Joe won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Samoa Joe will mess with Texas whenever he damn well pleases

Samoa Joe blacked out once. when he woke up, women were , necks were broken, and a goat was wearing a samoa joe t-shirt.

Samoa Joe was once on wheel of fortune and was the first to spin. The rest of the show everyone was standing around awkwardly waiting for the wheel to stop spinning.

Samoa Joe was also on celebrity jeopardy. He answered every question with "Who is Samoa Joe". It was the first time in jeopardy history a contestant answered every question correctly.

Samoa Joe, Low-Ki and Bryan Danielson have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Low-Ki why he thinks he should have the seat and Ki replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." The American Dragon says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Samoa Joe, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

The Fast and The Furious was originally written about Joe and the fans that dare him off

Christopher Daniels broke the 13th Commandment Sunday night when he took Joe's X Title..."Thou shalt not f*** with Samoa Joe" the booking comittee was last seen making their own funeral arrangements

Samoa Joe owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for ing in public. The same day, Samoa Joe got an award for ing in public.

Samoa Joe once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's Bobsled. No one ever questioned how he did it.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Samoa Joe.

Samoa Joe's action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Samoa Joe does not leave messages, he leaves warnings.

Samoa Joe once had a near experience. Needless to say, now refuses to come near him.

When Samoa Joe answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Samoa Joe's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Samoa Joe will not take **** from anyone.

Samoa Joe doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

One time in an airport a guy ly called Samoa Joe "Samoa John". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Joe accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a baby that OLE kicked the doctor. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Samoa Joe ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Samoa Joe got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

When Samoa Joe was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Samoa Joe received an "A+" for writing only the words "Samoa Joe" and promptly turning in the paper.

Samoa Joe's sperm can penetrate 13 s, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Samoa Joe has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and stains.

Samoa Joe once survived a ing. He was the er.

Samoa Joe once choked out a man with a cordless phone for calling him.

Samoa Joe hunts ghosts, and mounts their heads on his living room wall, right above the mantle.

Samoa Joe can melt ice by staring at it. He can also turn water into ice with the same method. Nobody ever questions this and lives.

Samoa Joe became very depressed upon realizing that once he choked/KILLED someone he couldn't do it again to that same person. Instead of moping around and complaining about it, Samoa Joe invented CPR. That's right kids, Samoa Joe can kill you and then bring you back to life. Why? Because Samoa Joe = Jesus!

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

A bus load of nuns crashes into a truck on the highway, every passenger.

Moments later, the nuns find themselves standing together on a cloud just outside a huge golden gate. A man walks out with a clipboard his hands, steps next to a basin of water, and addresses the crowd.

"Hello all. I'm Saint Joseph, and you are in fact . This is the gateway to heaven, which you will be entering momentarily. However, first you have to absolve yourself of all ual sin from your time on Earth. Merely step forward, announce your ual sin, and use this basin of holy water to purify yourself."

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, once on earth I held a man's in my left hand." She approaches the water, dips in her left hand, and the pearly gates open for her admittance into Heaven. The next nun is just about to step up when Samoa Joe appears from behind the crowd. He grabs every single nun, in succession, and drags them to the water where he has his way with them before giving them a muscle buster into the basin. Once he has thrown each of their unconscious bodies through the gates he grabs Saint Joe by the neck, screams "I'm rich, b****!!", throws him off the cloud, and Ole kicks the gates down. Joe has been on loan to the wrestling community ever since, in between his duties as the Father, the Son, and the Samoan Submission Machine.

['Sweet n' Sour' A. A. Estrada]

Samoa Joe split the atom ... with an Island Driver.

[ICBM]

Samoa Joe can make a snowman out of rain

['Sweet n' Sour' A. A. Estrada]

Samoa Joe's Ole Kicks cure cancer. The side effect is, unfortunately, that they kill you.

[HMARK Center]

When Chuck Norris landed a CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK on Samoa Joe, his foot shattered into a thousand pieces. Each piece regenerated into a mini-chuck, which Joe stomped flat. Joe scraped up the jellied mini-chucks, smeared them on his face and immediately grew a full beard.

That...is beautiful.

Samoa Joe can successfully predict the outcome of any sporting event. This isn't due to any latent psychic powers, but due to fear of the consequences of proving Samoa Joe wrong.

[H-Fist]

I've always thought that instead of one-upping Chuck Norris, it'd be more entertaining to celebrate the mediocrity of the truly mediocre. You know, like the whole George Carlin thing about never f***ing a 10, but one night f***ing 5 2's. Something like..

One night Michael Cole went into a large convent and gave each of the nuns a signed picture of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.

Michael Cole's tears have no medicinal value, which is a shame, since he cries himself to sleep every night like a little bitch.

Michael Cole's Kix are kid tested, mother approved.

[Ratings]

Chuck Norris and Samoa Joe ain't got s*** on Bill Brasky.

[emoney3265]

How do you people come up with these brilliant jokes. I don't where to start on one.

[Oak: Certified Jade Hater]

ratings said:

Chuck Norris and Samoa Joe ain't got s*** on Bill Brasky.

Of course they don't. Samoa Joe never takes a s*** because even his s*** would be able to defeat Chuck Norris in battle.

[H-Fist]

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. This led to the decimation and destruction of cultures and peoples throughout the Americas over the next few centuries. Millions were killed, and millions more displaced by force.

Samoa Joe was born in 1979. History does tend to repeat itself, now, doesn't it?