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Post by TromboneMan on Apr 18, 2008 6:23:35 GMT -5
A man is in a bar when out of nowhere he hears 'Your Beautiful' the man thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking and then he hears 'Your the greatest' the man looks around and sees nobody. He goes back to drinking when a minute later he hears 'Seriously I love you man, way to go champ'. Finally the man calls over the bartender and says 'I think I might be pissed but I keep hearing a voice. And it's giving me some encouraging comments.' The Barkeep says 'Oh don't worry bout that sir. Thats just the Complementary Nuts.' Out of all the bad puns I've heard, that probably takes the cake. I applaud you sir ;D
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Post by B'Cup x on Apr 18, 2008 6:24:25 GMT -5
did you hear the one about the magic tractor? it went down the lane and turned into a field
how can you tell if an elephants been hiding in your fridge? by the footprints in the butter
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Post by G✇JI☈A on Apr 18, 2008 6:34:30 GMT -5
A man and his dog go into a bar. A English Premier League match is on the TV and one of the teams playing in Derby County and of course they lose the match. After seeing DC lose the dog says 'Oh No Not Again'. The barkeep hears this and says to the Dog's owner 'Wow he talks' and the owner replies 'Yeah amazing isn't it? He says that every time Derby lose.' So the barkeeper says 'What does he say when they win?' and the owner says 'I dunno he is only six months old'.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2008 6:42:33 GMT -5
A guy's just lost his job and his wife's left him. He's walking down the street when he sees a skyscraper with a ladder against the wall, and a sign next to it saying "climb the ladder to success". He stops and thinks about it, before deciding the climb the ladder.
A couple of floors up, a beautiful woman stops him and says to him, "you can come in and spend the night with me, or keep on climbing the ladder to success." He keeps climbing.
A few floors later, three very beautiful women stop him and offer him the chance to spend the night with them, and they can get him a great job, or he can keep climbing the ladder to success. He keeps climbing.
On the final floor before the roof, the most beautiful woman in the world offers him the world - to spend the rest of his life with her, to become rich, famous, everything he's ever desired... or he can keep climbing the ladder to success. He thinks about it for a while, but in the end decides "I've come this far, I've got to keep going." He keeps climbing.
Finally, he reaches the top of the building. And when he gets there, he sees nothing. No pots of gold, no beautiful women, nothing. Except a decrepit little old man. He approaches the old man, looking around to make sure he hadn't missed anything.
The old man says to him, "Hi, I'm Cess."
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer, and some peanuts for his elephant. He takes the peanuts outside, then comes back in. Another guy says to him "there's no way you've got an elephant out there." The guy says, "I sure do, come and see for yourself." Sure enough, they go outside and there's an elephant standing there. The second guy apologises immediately, and asks what it's like keeping an elephant.
"It's great," the guy says. "He's as friendly and loyal as any dog, plus he can do tricks."
"What kind of tricks?" the second guy asks.
"Well..." the first guy pauses for a while before telling him. "He f***s cats." The second guy laughs, not believing this for a second. "I'll prove it to you," the first guy says. "Find me a cat." So he goes and finds a stray cat, and comes back to the bar with it. He puts it down by the elephant. The first guy snaps his fingers, and the elephant lifts a foot, which then coems down and crushes the cat.
"See?" the first guy says. "That is one f***ed cat."
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Two cookies are rolling down a hill, when one asks the other "what's your name?" The other cookie replies "I'm not telling you, you'll steal my laundry."
Yes, that was supposed to be that random.
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A male doctor and a female doctor hit it off at a medical conference, and spend the night together. The next morning, the guy says to the woman, "Tell me, are you a surgeon?"
"Yeah," she replies. "How did you know that?"
"Before you did anything, you always washed your hands," he explained to her.
"Let me ask you," she says to him. "Are you an anaesthetist?"
"No," he laughs. "Why would you think that?"
"Because," she smiles. "I didn't feel a thing."
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Post by Dynamite Kid on Apr 19, 2008 9:49:24 GMT -5
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck up b****es.
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Post by MiLo Duck on Apr 19, 2008 9:58:13 GMT -5
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.
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Post by Dynamite Kid on Apr 19, 2008 9:59:48 GMT -5
Why does Snoop Dogg carry hot dogs and a frying pan with him?
Fo' sizzle.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry a toolbox?
Fo' chizzle.
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Post by MiLo Duck on Apr 19, 2008 10:03:44 GMT -5
Exactly the same as any other image. as in put that img at the start and slash img at the end ? I can't make gifs anyway....where is a good place to get them or how do i make them?? This is what I like photobucket.com/
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Annette
Unicron
Love Feels Amazing ♥
Posts: 2,533
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Post by Annette on Apr 22, 2008 9:55:40 GMT -5
The love story of Ralph and Edna Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
Edna replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
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El Duderino
AC Slater
don't talk about my moms yo, sometimes he rhyme quick sometimes he rhyme slow.
Posts: 197
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Post by El Duderino on Apr 22, 2008 10:21:46 GMT -5
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"
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Post by skiller on Apr 22, 2008 10:32:19 GMT -5
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot ! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then. .silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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Bones58
Don Corleone
Shuup Baby, I know it!
Posts: 1,474
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Post by Bones58 on Apr 22, 2008 10:32:26 GMT -5
Did you hear about the Irish Kamikaze pilot?
He went on 10 successful missions.
Where do generals keep their armies?
Up their sleevies.
Lulz
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Post by Big Daddy Bad Booking on Apr 22, 2008 10:34:37 GMT -5
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Post by The"threadicidal"bristolspapa on Apr 22, 2008 11:55:57 GMT -5
How do you keep bears away whilst walking in the woods? -Cinnamon. Bears hate cinnamon.
What's an even better way? -Intermidently ring a bell. Bears hate bells
Also, keep an eye out for bear poop. What does bear poop look like? -It has little chunks of bell and cinnamon sticks in it.
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Post by Macho Dude Handy Damage on Apr 22, 2008 12:58:52 GMT -5
I dont get it. I dont get it.
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Spyke the Pacers Fan
El Dandy
Still hates himself for missing the last episode of Murder She Wrote
Go Indiana!
Posts: 8,061
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Post by Spyke the Pacers Fan on Apr 22, 2008 13:23:35 GMT -5
I dont get it. I dont get it. While I can't explain Ssnake's joke, The 2nd one, The New York Knicks are a joke because they suck so bad.
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Post by The"threadicidal"bristolspapa on Apr 22, 2008 13:25:16 GMT -5
Here in the States, the New York Knicks are one of a few basketball franchises with a long and storied history. Some folks have heard of the Lakers and Celtics. In hockey, it's the Montreal Canadiens. In baseball, it's the Yankees, Red Sox. Cubs, and Dodgers. Basically, these teams have built in advantages with regard to players wnating to play for them. So they're all usually decent (save for the Cubs but that's changing). Despite this, the Knicks have been notoriously bad for the past five years. People would rather play in Denver than New York. Simply put - the Knicks are a joke.
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hassanchop
Grimlock
Who are you to doubt Belldandy?
Posts: 14,788
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Post by hassanchop on Apr 22, 2008 14:01:15 GMT -5
Knock knock who's there? Never mind that who's there HE'S GOT COOKIES!
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Post by sam_III on Apr 22, 2008 19:37:17 GMT -5
What did the Farmer say when he couldnt find his Tractor?
Wheres my Tractor?
*crickets*
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Post by G✇JI☈A on Apr 22, 2008 19:52:16 GMT -5
One day after Christmas a child was riding his brand new bike around town when a Mounted Police Man stopped him. 'Nice bike son' said the police man looking over the bike up on his horse with a grouchy look to his face. 'Yes' said the kid 'Santa gave it to me'. 'Santa Clause gave you that bike' replied the police man 'Well! when you get home you write to Santa telling him to get you a helmet and some lights for that bike. And don't come back on to my roads until you have those items. OK!'. The kid getting upset said 'OK' and the police motioned his horse to start moving. As the police man and his horse was walking away the kids said 'Hey did Santa give that horse?' the police man decided to play along with the kid 'Yes' and then the kid said 'Well when you get back to the station you write to Santa and tell him that the asshole goes on the back!'.
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