|
|
Post by A Dubya (El Hombre Muerto) on Apr 25, 2008 3:42:54 GMT -5
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy."
-------------------------------------------
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
|
|
|
|
Post by thesam07 on Apr 25, 2008 4:34:03 GMT -5
A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices his friend walking in. And he notices that his friend has a big, round, orange head. So he asks him "Mate, why is your head big, round and orange?" and his friend says "Well, today I was at the beach and I found this magic lamp. So i rubbed it and a genie popped out and said "I will give you 3 wishes". So I said 'ok, I wish I was very rich." so the genie snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I've got a gigantic pile of money with me. So I says for the 2nd wish "I wish I had a very beautiful wife" so the genie again snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I have this extremely beautiful wife.
And then, and this is where I think I may have screwed up. For my third wish I wished for a big, round orange head."...
|
|
|
|
Post by Captain Wonderful on Apr 25, 2008 4:45:43 GMT -5
A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices his friend walking in. And he notices that his friend has a big, round, orange head. So he asks him "Mate, why is your head big, round and orange?" and his friend says "Well, today I was at the beach and I found this magic lamp. So i rubbed it and a genie popped out and said "I will give you 3 wishes". So I said 'ok, I wish I was very rich." so the genie snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I've got a gigantic pile of money with me. So I says for the 2nd wish "I wish I had a very beautiful wife" so the genie again snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I have this extremely beautiful wife. And then, and this is where I think I may have screwed up. For my third wish I wished for a big, round orange head."... This is seriously my favorite joke of all time. |
|
|
|
Post by Macho Dude Handy Damage on Apr 25, 2008 5:30:21 GMT -5
A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices his friend walking in. And he notices that his friend has a big, round, orange head. So he asks him "Mate, why is your head big, round and orange?" and his friend says "Well, today I was at the beach and I found this magic lamp. So i rubbed it and a genie popped out and said "I will give you 3 wishes". So I said 'ok, I wish I was very rich." so the genie snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I've got a gigantic pile of money with me. So I says for the 2nd wish "I wish I had a very beautiful wife" so the genie again snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I have this extremely beautiful wife. And then, and this is where I think I may have screwed up. For my third wish I wished for a big, round orange head."... I dont get the punchline. Is Big round orange head suppose to have a dual meaning, or is it just suppose to be silly? |
|
|
|
Post by Macho Dude Handy Damage on Apr 27, 2008 6:18:59 GMT -5
I took this one from "The Crow"
Jesus Christ walks in to a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails and he asks:
"Can you put me up for the night?"
|
|
|
|
Post by G✇JI☈A on Apr 27, 2008 7:22:57 GMT -5
A guy is sitting in a bar when he notices his friend walking in. And he notices that his friend has a big, round, orange head. So he asks him "Mate, why is your head big, round and orange?" and his friend says "Well, today I was at the beach and I found this magic lamp. So i rubbed it and a genie popped out and said "I will give you 3 wishes". So I said 'ok, I wish I was very rich." so the genie snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I've got a gigantic pile of money with me. So I says for the 2nd wish "I wish I had a very beautiful wife" so the genie again snaps his fingers and all of a sudden I have this extremely beautiful wife. And then, and this is where I think I may have screwed up. For my third wish I wished for a big, round orange head."... I dont get the punchline. Is Big round orange head suppose to have a dual meaning, or is it just suppose to be silly? I think so. The way I heard this joke was that the guy with a small head gets his wishes from a Mermaid he saved. And he taken by the beauty of the Mermaid and when he realizes he can not have intercourse with the Mermaid he wishes for 'A Little Head'. Anyway man walks into an Army Store and asks the shop keeper 'Excuse me do you have any Camouflage Clothing?'. 'Yes I Do' said the shop keeper 'But I can't seem to find them'. |
|
The Lego Pig
Bubba Ho-Tep
We all smile, we all sing.....sing
Posts: 658
|
Post by The Lego Pig on Apr 27, 2008 7:57:11 GMT -5
Anyway man walks into an Army Store and asks the shop keeper 'Excuse me do you have any Camouflage Clothing?'. 'Yes I Do' said the shop keeper 'But I can't seem to find them'.  |
|
|
|
Post by The Lach is very tired on Apr 27, 2008 8:31:03 GMT -5
What goes for 4 years & f***s hillbillies?
First Grade.
|
|
Mac
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Sigs/Avatars cannot exceed 1MB
Posts: 16,502
|
Post by Mac on Apr 27, 2008 8:38:58 GMT -5
A man who is in prison receives a letter from his father...
"Dear Son, doesn't look like i'll be putting the tomato garden in this year. I'm too old and with my bad back I doubt i'll be able to do the gardening without you"
his son replies
"Dad, whatever you do, don't plant the garden in the backyard next to the shed, thats where I buried THE BODIES"
The FBI and police raid the old mans house and turn up the ground searching fo the bodies, but find none and leave.
the son writes to the dad...
"Sorry dad, thats the best I could do for you under the circumstances"
|
|
Jam
Unicron
Spiral out
Posts: 2,934
|
Post by Jam on Apr 27, 2008 12:25:51 GMT -5
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, it is hot in here!" The other muffin replies "Holy ****! It's a talking muffin!"
|
|
"Hollywood" Cactus Matt
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
You couldn't ask for a better custom title!
How do you spell "Goddess"? C-H-R-I-S-T-Y!
Posts: 15,300
|
Post by "Hollywood" Cactus Matt on Apr 27, 2008 16:08:43 GMT -5
A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him, "I have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?" the guy asks.
"You have 48 hours to live," responds the doctor.
"Holy crap!" says the man. "What's the worse news?"
The doctor says, "I should have told you that yesterday."
_____________________________________________________________________________
A man and his wife have been married for 20 years, so on his way home from work the man decides to stop at a sex-toy store and pick up something for his wife. He says to the shopkeep, "My wife and I have been married 20 years, and we've done almost everything sexual you can do to another person. What do you have that we've never seen before?"
"Well," says the shopkeep, "this may be hard to believe, but we have a Magic Dildo."
"Magic Dildo?" says the man. "How does it work?"
"Well," says the shopkeep, "you say aloud what you want it to f***, and it goes and f***s it. Watch!" He demonstrates: "Magic dildo, the counter!" and sure enough, the magic dildo starts f***ing the counter. "Magic dildo, the wall!" and again, it f***s the wall.
"Wow, that's amazing! I'll take it!" says the man.
He leaves in a hurry and drives away excitedly. He fails to notice that he's speeding, so he gets pulled over; the cop was already in a foul mood and did not want to deal with any shenanigans.
"What seems to be the hurry, pal?" asks the cop.
"Today is my anniversary, and I just bought my wife a magic dildo and I want to get hom to show her," replied the man.
"Yeah, okay, buddy," says the cop. "Magic dildo my ass!"
_____________________________________________________________________________
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
What's the difference between Congress and a condom?
You can only fit one dick in a condom..... ;D
|
|
Mozenrath
FANatic
Foppery and Whim
Speedy Speed Boy
Posts: 121,069
|
Post by Mozenrath on Apr 27, 2008 17:31:46 GMT -5
"Man, that vampiress is seriously hot."
"I'd impaler..."
|
|
|
|
Post by Von Wagner's Brownies on Apr 27, 2008 19:44:55 GMT -5
I took this one from "The Batman"
A man walks into a bar, the man said "ouch."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2008 20:14:33 GMT -5
A man walks into the bar and orders six double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor. Is there a problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay."
The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?" The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay."
The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What is it this time?" The man says, "I just found out that my father is gay."
The next day, he comes in yet again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Jesus man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" After the first shot, he replies, "Yeah, my wife."
|
|
bogart
Mephisto
Panda finally couldn't take any more of the DVD blur effect
Posts: 721
|
Post by bogart on Apr 28, 2008 15:12:08 GMT -5
two cows in a field. How do you know which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
|
|
The Lego Pig
Bubba Ho-Tep
We all smile, we all sing.....sing
Posts: 658
|
Post by The Lego Pig on Apr 28, 2008 15:14:53 GMT -5
2 different cows in a field, one says to the other "ere, you heard about this mad cow disease?"
"yeah sounds terrible dont it, but it doesnt bother me in the slightest!"
"why is that?"
"because i am a helecopter"
|
|
bogart
Mephisto
Panda finally couldn't take any more of the DVD blur effect
Posts: 721
|
Post by bogart on Apr 28, 2008 15:20:40 GMT -5
two fish in a tank.
one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
|
|
Mozenrath
FANatic
Foppery and Whim
Speedy Speed Boy
Posts: 121,069
|
Post by Mozenrath on Apr 28, 2008 15:38:20 GMT -5
One I saw on the board once that I loved:
"Why does Christian Cage curl into a ball on top of hills?
Because that's how he rolls!"
|
|
