And now, it's time for Ba Reviews with Ma D. Ba. Tonight's review:"Zombieland."OH, MY GOD, THIS IS THE
GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!There's this guy called Columbus...he's just like Christopher Columbus. The only difference is that Christopher Columbus sailed the world in the name of the queen of Spain...and
this Columbus is a Level 46 Paladin.
So, as it turns out, the entire Earth has been overrun by zombies who bleed from the mouth and suck the very marrow from your bones!
I was a zombie who bled from the mouth and suck the very marrow from your bones once! Marrow is very tasty, you know, not to mention nutritious--it's fortified with eight essential vitamins and minemarals, and can come into a variety of flavors. There are chicken marrows...chocolate marrows...but watch out for the sperm marrows--those aren't as tasty.
But I digress.
So Columbus runs into this guy called Tallahassee who loves killing zombies and eating Twinkies. That's fun, but I prefer the opposite--I love to eat zombies and kill Twinkies. Those damn Twinkies deserve it, too! They killed my family!
Oh, no, wait, that was an asparagus.
My sincere apologies to Twinkies everywhere.
So they run into these two girls called Little Rock and Wichita, who are con artists...
And they basically spend the rest of the movie driving...and killing zombies...and shooting Bill Murray in the heart.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Bill Murray's in the movie!
...Um...
......They kill him.
............*shrug* That's about it.
So the girls steal the guys' truck and head to an amusement park, 'cause Little Rock never got the chance to be a kid or something, I don't know, something like that...I mean, how hard can it be for Little Rock to be a kid?! She's played by Abigail Breslin! We're reminded every week that Abigail Breslin's a f***ing kid!
Chester Bum's a Mormon...I'm not.
Anyway, they go to the amusement park, the one place left in the world that hasn't been taken over by zombies...but amazingly, the very second they turn on all the bright lights and loud music and moving rides in the park, ZOMBIES START SHOWING UP!
WHO SAW THAT COMING??? So, they fight them off, but the guys show up, Tallahassee fights off a hundred zombies in a balloon-dart booth...Columbus fights a clown zombie...and he and Wichita get together in the end.
Before I go, I need to mention one thing: near the beginning of the movie, Columbus is hit on by a zombie--don't ask--and he traps her in the bathroom and closes the door...and the zombie opens the door by...turning the doorknob?
...BULLs***! That is BULLs***! I call Zombie Bulls*** on that!! Zombies don't know how to use doorknobs! They don't even know how to use the damn toilet--I'd say doorknobs are nuclear physics compared to that!
All-in-all, though, I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed
Zombieland. It was basically
Left 4 Dead, starring Woody Harrelson!
Though, maybe since they won't have zombie clowns until
Left 4 Dead 2, maybe it was
Left 4 Dead 2, starring Woody Harrelson. But I guess since there hasn't been a movie called
Left 4 Dead 1 yet, and since the game
Left 4 Dead 2 hasn't been relea--<_> oh, no, I've gone cross eyed.
This is Ma D. Ba saying, "CHANGE??? YA GOT CHANGE??? Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya? Come on, CHANGE!"
Well, could you at least loan me a telphone and a box of Altoids? I got a great idea for Zombie Kill of the Week...
Seriously, though, Zombieland was f***ing AWESOME!