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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 2, 2013 0:18:23 GMT -5
Okay so three years ago, I made my own Halloween horror movie review thread. To the delight of practically no one. So, I decided to do another one this year for no other reason than sheer self-gratification and an attempt to feel important. Also, why not it's October the season for scary-poop-your-pants stuff. I've been looking at possible films for me to watch on Netflix or from my DVD collection and I guess in a day or two I'll have something on the stove. And a mini-review for it. So if you all feel like wasting a few minutes on reading some nincompoop's poorly written opinion of random movies, this is the thread for you!  |
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Post by DSR on Oct 2, 2013 0:35:14 GMT -5
Not to be rude, but there is an official horror thread that's sitting several pages back. It kinda bums me out that stuff like this or the talk about the Crystal Lake Memories doc or the Friday the 13th boxset got their own threads when they could've uh...enriched the horror thread. But, y'know, whatever.
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 2, 2013 0:39:46 GMT -5
You know damn well nothing I post is going to enrich anything. |
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 5, 2013 1:09:18 GMT -5
Alright, I guess I'll keep this thread going. I'm not trying to take away from the Horror thread at all, I just like doing this type of thread. I don't know why, I'm trying to feel important I suppose. I doubt many of you will reply anyway. For my first mini review thingy... "Strippers vs. Werewolves"(2012) Starring: Adele Silva, Barbara Nedeljakova(The brunette chick from Hostel), Ali Bastian, Martin Compston, Billy Murray(NO, not BILL Murray, some British actor dude), and Robert Englund(For like 2 minutes anyway) Okay, so I'm guessing this film was sort of an answer to the movie, "Zombie Strippers." Which was just like it sounds. A strip club full people vs. a zombie outbreak. Anyway this movie is a British film which is about exactly what you would think it is. Some schlub is in a strip club getting a private dance, and he starts turning in to a werewolf. The stripper who is dancing, naturally freaks out and stabs him in the eye with her pen. Which happens to be made of silver. So werewolf guy is dead. The rest of the movie is dealt with the people at the strip club covering up the killing and the other werewolves finding out that a member of their wolf pack is dead and basically getting revenge on the strippers. In the end, the strippers arm themselves and fight back, leading to a big showdown between, yeah strippers and werewolves. There are also a couple of side plots involving the strippers and their boyfriends and it all sort of comes together in the end. I won't reveal too much. Guess they needed something to pad the story a bit. Ah, okay what are the big things you would think would make up a movie like this? I would think, gratuitous nudity and violence. Honestly, the movie is pretty light on both of these. For a strip club, not that many chicks get naked. And the violence is actually pretty tame. At least for me anyway. Alright what else can I enjoy about it? The humor maybe? It has a few small rather funny moments, but nothing that really brings this film up to an enjoyable experience. The worst part though, is how crappy the werewolves looked. I realize the budget was probably an issue but the wolves looked like they were sheep people instead of lycans. I guess the only really enjoyable part of the film was the fact that the main cast of strippers are pretty hot and despite the fact that they don't get nekkid, they do look good running around in their little stripper outfits. Geez, I'm a pig but I really needed SOMETHING to like about this film. I can see people liking this as a fairly harmless schlock B-Horror movie. If they really like those sort of movies. But in the end, I thought it was a pretty weak movie that I wouldn't recommend except for maybe a Netflix view out of sheer boredom and nothing else. Even though it was crappy, there are definitely more poorly made films that are a bigger waste of time than this. My ratings are on a scale from terrible to fantastic >      For "Strippers vs. Werewolves," I give a Bad, could have been a lot worse. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2013 1:28:25 GMT -5
Yeah, if you have strippers in the title, there should be some boobs and butts. You should do Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter  |
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Post by DSR on Oct 5, 2013 2:25:05 GMT -5
You should do Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter I hated that movie. Jesus gets a shave and a haircut, and the whole joke is ruined. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2013 2:26:25 GMT -5
You should do Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter I hated that movie. Jesus gets a shave and a haircut, and the whole joke is ruined. But it's so bad! Banjo needs to review it, if only for the van full of Atheists. |
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Post by DSR on Oct 5, 2013 2:29:07 GMT -5
I hated that movie. Jesus gets a shave and a haircut, and the whole joke is ruined. But it's so bad! Banjo needs to review it, if only for the van full of Atheists. That was the only scene I liked. |
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 8, 2013 1:37:08 GMT -5
Okay, so it's 8 days into October so I suppose I need to get crackin on these flicks. I've got a couple I watched last night, and there's always more waiting, but for tonight... Silent Hill: Revelation2012 Starring: Adelaide Clemens, Sean Bean, Carrie Ann Moss, Kit Harington, and Malcolm McDowell So I saw the first Silent Hill in the theaters. Basically, I thought it was just okay. There are things I did like about it, and things that bugged me so overall, I didn't feel strongly one way or the other. The sequel, is a little different for me. It uses the character Heather from the game Silent Hill 3, at least that's who they modeled her after. She's a teenage girl who has gone from school to school with her father always moving around and people think she's weird. So, there is something to that, but I won't reveal it, even though they tell you fairly soon in the movie what her deal is. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be secret or not. Basically, she has these messed up dreams about Silent Hill and she doesn't know why. We learn pretty early in the movie what her involvement in Silent Hill is and about a group of evil people that are trying to lure her there and why. She ends up going there, you probably guessed that much though, and a fella she met in school goes with her cause I guess he wants to put his gestalt in her river of love. Like you wouldn't follow a hot girl to the edge of a hellish underworld to do the same. Alright, so to put it simply, I didn't find this movie to be very good. Worse than the first, definitely. There's a lot of confusing and rather convoluted plot elements that just seemed sort silly to me. Maybe I'm too stupid to get it all, but the in the end, the whole story seems like kind of a mess. I'm not revealing anything specific, though in case you want to see it for yourself. Maybe you could follow things a bit easier than I did. The good things are the visuals. The whole world was pretty neat and the monsters were creepy looking. The effects were well done and if I had watched the movie in 3D, like it was meant to be seen in theaters, it probably would've been a blast. Silent Hill regulars, cocoon guy, crazy twisted nurses, and pyramid head are all there. And some new ones that I ended up calling weird Hellraiser-looking lady, whacky mannequin head spider, and Johnny the ass-faced homeless guy. Sadly, most of the monsters were better utilized in the first movie. Pyramid Head for example. So, all-in-all, I would say that I really just didn't care for this film. If you're interested in seeing some crazy ass looking monsters or really had prior interest in seeing this movie, then give it a rent or check it out on Netflix. I just would'nt expect much out of it. Then again, maybe you'll enjoy all the crazy plot elements and such. Either way, on my standard five smiley scale of > "Silent Hill: Revelation" gets a Bad but not terrible. Maybe even worth a view out of sheer boredom. |
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Push R Truth
Patti Mayonnaise
Unique and Special Snowflake, and a pants-less heathen.
Perpetually Constipated
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Post by Push R Truth on Oct 8, 2013 10:02:48 GMT -5
You gotta review Atlantic Rim.
It's scary because somebody actually got paid to "act" in that shit. I fully expect there to be a 17 page thesis on why there are corpses scattered all over the place that could in no way possible have been killed by a giant monster. It's like they filmed two different movies with the same actors and spliced them together.
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 8, 2013 17:34:20 GMT -5
You gotta review Atlantic Rim. It's scary because somebody actually got paid to "act" in that shit. I fully expect there to be a 17 page thesis on why there are corpses scattered all over the place that could in no way possible have been killed by a giant monster. It's like they filmed two different movies with the same actors and spliced them together. Something tells me that I already know what rating I would end up giving it before I even watch it. |
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The Ichi
Patti Mayonnaise
AGGRESSIVE Executive Janitor of the Third Floor Manager's Bathroom
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Post by The Ichi on Oct 8, 2013 19:58:19 GMT -5
Review Monsturd.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2013 20:05:57 GMT -5
While I love Barbara Nedeljakova(totally copy and pasted that) and Robert Englund, that movie looks horrendous. Back to Elm Street and Hostel.
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 10, 2013 2:09:23 GMT -5
I do appreciate the suggestions, but I don't know if I'll get around to watching them or not. I suppose it depends on what kind of a mood I'm in. I have a list of potential movies that I'd like to watch for review and I've got to figure out which ones I definitely want to review and which ones I can just forget about. Who knows though. But again, I appreciate the suggestions and I'll keep them in mind. Tonight's movie... Drive Thru2007 Starring: Leighton Meester(Yes, please), Nicholas D'Agosto, Lola Glaudini(Yes, please again), and Larry Joe Campbell(token fat guy ) Alright, I know there is a group of individuals who really have a love of Z-grade slasher cheese fests like "Drive Thru," And that's good. Somebody has to like these movies, because I sure as hell don't. So yeah, this movie is a fairly low-budget slasher cornball schlock-fest that actually has a couple fairly well-known actors. That, however seems irrelevant to my dislike for the film. Before I get to that, I'll divulge the "plot." So a van full of rather annoying teenage douchebags are at the drive through(yes, like the movie title) of a fast food restaurant called the Hella-Burger. Heh, mildly amusing anyway. But, as they are talking to the giant clown head to give their order, clown head starts talking back and saying some rather inappropriate things to them. This angers the teens, causing them to go into the establishment to set clown head face voice guy straight. Anyone care to guess what happens? Yes, they all get killed. And our killer is apparently the mascot of the fast food restaurant and his name is Horny the Clown. Hmmm, HELLa Burger. HORNy the Clown. Hell. Devils. Horns. Great St. Peters ghost I just got that!! Uh, anyway we see a new group of kids at a party and basically we have various scenarios of different groups of teenagers getting killed in different settings throughout the film by Honry the Clown, all while the police are trying to figure why, and if there is any type of connection to the murders. Our main character teen, is a young lady who is all rebellious teenager, left-wingy, no eat meat, my parents lost their hippie values and such. She has few encounters with the clown but escapes, while her friends are generally not so lucky. The police continue to interview various people to find their connection. Eventually, they do, and it involves our main character heroine and it all pretty much ends in your classic cliched showdown with the evil clown and the main character and blah blah blah you probably can guess the rest. So, back to my feelings on the movie. I do enjoy slasher cheeseball fests to a point. I did not enjoy this one. In fact, I really disliked it. There is nothing that this film does any different or any better than any other slasher crapfest. The violence is pretty hokey and the effects are bad, and while a couple characters do put in a halfway decent performance, there's a lot of bad acting to the point where you would assume that those involved just didnt' care. Also, I hated the clown. His outfit looked awful to where most people he would try to kill would probably die because they would fall on the floor laughing at how stupid he looked. His speaking segments seemed like they were trying to copy Chucky from Child's Play. I guess if they wanted a fairly evil looking clown, the last thing they should have done is "extremed" him up with plastic flames and spiked platform shoes. But yeah. Not a fan in the least. As for positives, as usual, I have to be a pig about this and say that Leighton Meester and Lola Glaudini's hotness was rather pleasant to experience. Meester is absurdly cute and Lola has been a crush of mine ever sine seeing her on Criminal Minds. But enough about the objects of my sad devotion. In the end as I stated in the beginning of my review, only people with an affinity for craptastic slasher films will probably really like this movie. If you do, more power to you. There are plenty of movies I like that most other people would consider crap. Either way, on my standard scale from awful to excellent, I dub this film a Yes, I'm afraid I have to go bottom of the barrel with this one. |
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Post by SsnakeBite, the No1 Frenchman on Oct 10, 2013 9:45:40 GMT -5
Alright, I know there is a group of individuals who really have a love of Z-grade slasher cheese fests like "Drive Thru," And that's good. Somebody has to like these movies, because I sure as hell don't. That's the most disappointing I've learned about your tastes hat does not involve "women". |
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 10, 2013 18:39:15 GMT -5
Alright, I know there is a group of individuals who really have a love of Z-grade slasher cheese fests like "Drive Thru," And that's good. Somebody has to like these movies, because I sure as hell don't. That's the most disappointing I've learned about your tastes hat does not involve "women". I can enjoy slasher movies. Decently made ones anyway. Ones that try to add something a bit different and maybe have an interesting plot twist or something. "Drive Thru" and many other movies like it tend to be just poorly made rehashes that offer nothing but the same old same old. But then, I'm not why you would take such an interest in what type of movies I like or what sort of women I'm into anyway. |
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 12, 2013 1:07:43 GMT -5
Tonight's film... Angel Heart1987 Starring: Mickey Rourke(before his face got all crazy funhouse mirror), Robert De Niro, Lisa Bonet(Denise from the Cosby Show), and Charloette Rampling(No idea who she is) So for tonight, I decided to watch a more universally praised movie from the eighties. I saw it was on one of the movie channels and I always wanted to check it out, so I did. The results, are mixed.  Either way our movie, "Angel Heart," is based on a book called "Falling Angel" and is set in the fifties. It involves a detective named Harry Angel(ooh like the title) and a mysterious gentlemen played by Robert De Niro who hires Angel to find a missing person for him. A missing person that goes by the name Johnny Favorite(very fifties). Why he wants to find this man, is a bit of a mystery though. But Angel takes the job we get an interesting little detective story with different characters, some of whom end up dead, and a plot that involves some rather dark and fairly evil undertones. In the end, things are revealed about who this Johnny Favorite guy is and why the mysterious character played by De Niro wants him, and also things revealed about other key characters in the film. We also find out the mystery behind the ever growing population of dead people who are involved in the plot. Why they die, who is killing them, all that good stuff. So, this movie as I stated earlier is pretty generally regarded as a great piece of eighties horror/mystery. At least I think it is. I mean, I've heard mostly good things. But what did I think of it? Honestly, I found the movie sort of boring. As a detective story, everything is all there. It plays out like you think it would, but I just found myself wishing things would pick up a lot sooner than they did. And when things do pick up, uh well, they got kind of weird. Some things made sense to the story, different people's connection to the character of Johnny Favorite and what brand of evil things they wound up into. But then there are moments that I'm guessing were meant to be scary and disturbing, but I just found them bizarre and rather unnecessary. Also I found opportunities where they could have been more scary and interesting, but they were just kind of slow with the story and revealing what happened. There is a big reveal at the end, that I'm sure at the time the movie or book came out, really threw people for a loop, but for me I just found myself thinking, "Really? That's the conclusion?" And the end gave birth to some moments in the movie that just confused me more than anything. Okay, so it sounds like I'm being kind of hard on the movie, but in the end, there are things that worked for it. As a detective story, it's good and just because I was a bit bored I feel if the end had played out differently, I could've genuinely liked this movie. It was a very well made and everyone did an exceptional job in their roles. Some the roles were a bit cliched, but I guess that's what you'd expect from a novel/movie set in the fifties. The murders are done well and definitely keep you guessing and I did genuinely have an interest in what was really going on. But, as I said, in the end, it was just a bit too tedious with a rather unsatisfying payoff for me. Which is too bad, cause I did really want to end up liking this movie. But, on my standard rating scale> "Angel Heart" receives a Just okay, worth a watch because you just might like it, unfortunately I didn't really but so far this film gets my highest rating yet. |
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Post by Non Banjoble Tokens on Oct 13, 2013 14:20:10 GMT -5
Fright Night2011 Starring: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant, Imogen Poots(heh, Poots), and Mclovin Alright so the other night I was finally able to watch the remake of "Fright Night" as I wanted to for a while now. It was on SyFy, so I checked it out. I ended up thinking that I hadn't missed all that much. But let me explain. Okay so the original "Fright Night" is generally considered a fun eighties horror flick. I liked it, but I didn't love it. That said, I actually thought the original was better than the remake. So to begin, the base story is pretty much the same in the remake as a mysterious new neighbor named Jerry moves in next door to high school student Charlie Brewster. Charlie in the remake is sort of a nerd turned loaner who hangs with the cool kids now that he has a hot girlfriend. But he also has neglected his nerdy best friend, Ed. Played by that McLovin guy. Ed really wants to see his buddy Charlie again, so eventually he and Charlie get together and Ed has been wanting to tell him his theory about the new neighbor, Jerry. Because of a number of students have seemingly gone missing from the class, Ed did some research and found that all of the missing people's locations form some sort of pattern that centers on Jerry's new house. This leads Ed to divulge the theory that Jerry is a vampire. As you can imagine, Charlie is reluctant to believe this. He says people are coming and going from there city all the time. Of course, Charlie. Anyway certain circumstances occur, which cause Charlie to get suspicious and do some snooping around. After a bit, Charlie does end up believing that his ol' buddy Ed may have indeed been right about his creepy neighbor Jerry. What does Charlie do? Well, he seeks help from a professional. A guy named Peter Vincent. Now this is where the remake really changed things. In the original, Vincent is an old ass man who hosts a crappy late night TV show about vampires and other macabre things. In the remake, he is this Chris Angel looking stage show millionaire guy who does magic shows and big theatrical performances involving vampires. Either way, pretty much the same thing happens in both versions where Charlie seeks Vincent's help telling him about how he thinks his neighbor is an actual vampire. In the original, he's pretty straight forward about it, in the remake he tries to be more subtle but in the end he has to reveal his thoughts. So Vincent basically tells Charlie that he's a few pretzels short of a party mix and sends him on his way. Things really start to get real and by this time Jerry knows that Charlie is on to him, so he goes after Charlie and his girlfriend, who by now is aware of the fact that neighbor Jerry is in fact an undead creature who feasts on human blood. Without revealing too much more, the movie ends with a show down between Jerry and Charlie(who has some help with him in the form of Peter Vincent) to save Charlie's girlfriend. Ah okay so, there are some fairly big difference between the original and the remake, but other than what I already mentioned, I just assume not go into all of those. If you've seen the original, and then you've seen the remake, you definitely know the differences. But, what are my feelings about the remake. Well, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt some of the changes they made could have been beneficial to the movie, however the way they were executed them left me feeling that they didn't help make the movie any better. For instance, Ed was done differently and he could have been utilized properly, but I felt they dropped the ball with his part. Also the Peter VIncent factor. Again I saw potential in the changes they made to him, but I guess they went in a different direction than I thought they should have in the end. Also, I felt annoyed by the dependence on CGI. I'm not the kind of person who is generally annoyed by that type of thing, but because this movie was originally in 3D, they had to CGI this bastard up the corn shoot and for someone like myself, who did not see it in 3D, it looked all cartoony. It really did not help the big vampire battle at he end. And the ending itself I felt was sort of underwhelming. But I don't want spoil anything, I'll just say the best thing about the ending was the song they played during the initial credits. But overall, it was worth a view just to compare it to the original. Also as I said, I liked some of the ideas they had, just not so much how they executed them. So, using my standard scale > "Fright Night (2011)" gets a Worth a view as you might like it, but probably not as much as the original
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Post by Lazy peon on Oct 13, 2013 16:19:01 GMT -5
How many times have you pooped your pants so far?
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Post by Mr PONYMANIA Mr Jenzie on Oct 13, 2013 16:28:40 GMT -5
get THIS  much better than that bloody one with the tornado in it |
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Either way our movie, "Angel Heart," is based on a book called "Falling Angel" and is set in the fifties. It involves a detective named Harry Angel(ooh like the title) and a mysterious gentlemen played by Robert De Niro who hires Angel to find a missing person for him. A missing person that goes by the name Johnny Favorite(very fifties). Why he wants to find this man, is a bit of a mystery though. But Angel takes the job we get an interesting little detective story with different characters, some of whom end up dead, and a plot that involves some rather dark and fairly evil undertones. In the end, things are revealed about who this Johnny Favorite guy is and why the mysterious character played by De Niro wants him, and also things revealed about other key characters in the film. We also find out the mystery behind the ever growing population of dead people who are involved in the plot. Why they die, who is killing them, all that good stuff. So, this movie as I stated earlier is pretty generally regarded as a great piece of eighties horror/mystery. At least I think it is. I mean, I've heard mostly good things. But what did I think of it? Honestly, I found the movie sort of boring. As a detective story, everything is all there. It plays out like you think it would, but I just found myself wishing things would pick up a lot sooner than they did. And when things do pick up, uh well, they got kind of weird. Some things made sense to the story, different people's connection to the character of Johnny Favorite and what brand of evil things they wound up into. But then there are moments that I'm guessing were meant to be scary and disturbing, but I just found them bizarre and rather unnecessary. Also I found opportunities where they could have been more scary and interesting, but they were just kind of slow with the story and revealing what happened. There is a big reveal at the end, that I'm sure at the time the movie or book came out, really threw people for a loop, but for me I just found myself thinking, "Really? That's the conclusion?" And the end gave birth to some moments in the movie that just confused me more than anything. Okay, so it sounds like I'm being kind of hard on the movie, but in the end, there are things that worked for it. As a detective story, it's good and just because I was a bit bored I feel if the end had played out differently, I could've genuinely liked this movie. It was a very well made and everyone did an exceptional job in their roles. Some the roles were a bit cliched, but I guess that's what you'd expect from a novel/movie set in the fifties. The murders are done well and definitely keep you guessing and I did genuinely have an interest in what was really going on. But, as I said, in the end, it was just a bit too tedious with a rather unsatisfying payoff for me. Which is too bad, cause I did really want to end up liking this movie. 
