Goldenbane
Hank Scorpio
THE G.D. Goldenbane
Posts: 7,331
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Post by Goldenbane on Mar 30, 2010 9:33:59 GMT -5
That's right, post your worst jokes and puns here! I'll start with a few:
A fair maiden was captured by a dragon, but she lamented over and over again that a knight would come to her rescue. The dragon looked at her and saw that she was wearing a purple dress with brown poka dots and green stripes. The dragon shook his head and said to her. "No, my dear, no knight will rescue a damsel in this dress."
Two Eskimos were taking their kyack down a river one cold winter morning. As the wind began to pick up, one Eskimo reasoned that they could stay warm if they built a small fire in the middle of the boat. The two of them did so and the boat immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kyack and heat it too.
Dr. Insano thought he'd come up with the ultimate scheme. He'd take over the world by cloning himself. However, something went horribly wrong with the experiment, and the finished clone would do nothing but go to the 4th story window and shout obscenities to passers-by. Annoyed and fed up with his clone's stupidity, Dr. Insano pushed the clone out of the window and killed him. The police showed up and immediately arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
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Post by Pervy Stone Cold on Mar 30, 2010 9:38:53 GMT -5
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? {Spoiler} Because he was feeling crummy.
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Post by SsnakeBite, the No1 Frenchman on Mar 30, 2010 10:42:15 GMT -5
Why do pirates prefer fat girls? {Spoiler}Because they have a big booty! And yes, I came up with it myself and yes, I'm proud of it. ;D
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Spyke the Pacers Fan
El Dandy
Still hates himself for missing the last episode of Murder She Wrote
Go Indiana!
Posts: 8,061
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Post by Spyke the Pacers Fan on Mar 30, 2010 11:19:28 GMT -5
One day, a friar, tired of his boring life at the monastery, decides to open up a flower shop in town, loading up flowers on a cart and traveling the streets. The friar instantly turned his business into a success by undercutting the competition, and driving other flower shops out of business. As the owner of the last remaining flower shop not closed by the friar, Hugh McTaggart took his trusty axe and chopped up the friar's cart, destroying it, and therefore, his business, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Annette
Unicron
Love Feels Amazing ♥
Posts: 2,533
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Post by Annette on Mar 30, 2010 11:23:43 GMT -5
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Gus Richlen: Ruffian
Patti Mayonnaise
Metal Maestro: Co-winner of the FAN Idol Throwdown!
BAU BAU
Posts: 39,130
Member is Online
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Post by Gus Richlen: Ruffian on Mar 30, 2010 12:02:47 GMT -5
the man wrapped his expansive german car around a tree and found out how the mercedes bends.
people who jump off french bridges are in seine.
this bartender whose son i was friends with had a doctor as a regular patron. this doctor loved to drink almond daquiris. well, one day, the doctor showed up at my friend's dad's bar and the bartender, whose name was richard, didn't have any almonds, so he made a daquiri out of hickory nuts. the doctor took a sip of it and asked, "is this an almond daquiri, dick?" and dick said, "no, it's a hickory daquiri, doc!"
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bob
Backup Wench
The "other" Bob. FOC COURSE!
started the Madness Wars, Proudly the #1 Nana Hater on FAN
Posts: 80,565
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Post by bob on Mar 30, 2010 12:08:43 GMT -5
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Renslayer
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
every time i come around your city...
Posts: 17,258
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Post by Renslayer on Mar 30, 2010 12:13:27 GMT -5
I wanted to be a doctor, {Spoiler}but I didn't have the patients! ;D
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bibboid
Dennis Stamp
Posts: 4,526
Member is Online
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Post by bibboid on Mar 30, 2010 15:12:02 GMT -5
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you , but don't start anything."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is is common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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Post by Pervy Stone Cold on Mar 30, 2010 15:30:23 GMT -5
A man walks into a doctor's office, a worried look on his face, tells the nurse that he needs an appointment with the doctor.
The receptionist asks the man to describe the problem to be treated and the man says, "I think I am invisible."
"If that's the case," the receptionist replies, "I don't think the doctor will be able to see you."
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hassanchop
Grimlock
Who are you to doubt Belldandy?
Posts: 14,910
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Post by hassanchop on Mar 30, 2010 15:44:27 GMT -5
Earlier a man was executed by hanging, his old girlfriend, through ups and downs says she still loved him and when asked why she said, "He is well hung."
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bibboid
Dennis Stamp
Posts: 4,526
Member is Online
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Post by bibboid on Mar 30, 2010 16:00:48 GMT -5
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him.....
...
...
...a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
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Post by Cry Me a Wiggle on Mar 30, 2010 16:16:14 GMT -5
Just listen to an Owl City album and you'll get your fill.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2010 17:24:36 GMT -5
The game of baseball is older than we are lead to believe; it's been around since before Biblical times. God is a big fan of the sport.
Genesis 1:1 states - "In the Big Inning (beginning), God created the Heavens and the Earth."
It's better when said, not typed or written, but you get the idea.)
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Post by G✇JI☈A on Mar 30, 2010 17:27:31 GMT -5
You know what Holiday it is this Weekend? {Spoiler}If you said Easter: Egg-xactly
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AFN: Judge Shred
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Wanted to change his doohicky.
Member of The Bluetista Buyers Club
Posts: 18,221
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Post by AFN: Judge Shred on Mar 30, 2010 20:00:51 GMT -5
Just listen to an Owl City album and you'll get your fill. Really only the new one is all that puny. Some of these are fantastic. Some are jokes and not puns though!
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Vampiro138
Hank Scorpio
the greatest vampire in the HISTORY of our sport
Posts: 5,829
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Post by Vampiro138 on Mar 30, 2010 20:09:43 GMT -5
Once upon a time, there was a man named benny, and benny had just one wish in life...he wanted to live forever!! so one day, a fairy godmother showed up and said "benny, i can grant your wish to live forever...but under one condition, you can never EVER shave your beard!" and you know what....Benny lived to be 103 years old...for you see, Benny met a very beautiful woman and they fell in love and got married...she demanded that Benny shave his beard for the wedding, so benny did...well, when the fairy god mother found it..she was livid!!! she got soooooooo mad she turned poor benny into a beautiful glass urn......which just goes to prove the very important economic lesson......a benny shaved...is a benny urn'd...
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Post by Orange on Mar 30, 2010 20:58:01 GMT -5
For being the horrible pun and joke thread I'm laughing a hell of a lot at these! Keep 'em coming everyone these are great!
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Vampiro138
Hank Scorpio
the greatest vampire in the HISTORY of our sport
Posts: 5,829
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Post by Vampiro138 on Mar 30, 2010 21:28:06 GMT -5
there was a man named joe. and he was engaged to a woman named lorraine. one night while out walking joe had met a woman named ms. clearly. the two wound up becoming really close but joe was torn because he also loved lorraine...however one night lorraine got into a bad accident and died. so for joe....he could see clearly now lorraine had gone
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default
Bill S. Preston, Esq.
Blames Everything On Snitsky. Yes, Even THAT.
Posts: 17,056
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Post by default on Mar 30, 2010 21:30:55 GMT -5
A wrestling promoter in Tennessee was looking for valets for his top heel. He found some local prostitutes who was eager for the honest night's pay. However, things turned ugly after the show when they ran off with the gate. After letting the locker room know the ordeal, the top heel told the promoter, "Don't book the swift whores in the South."
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