The "Make Up Batista Quotes" game!

[Edison taps to the ARMBAR!]

Inspired equally by the false reporting of a horrible (fake) quote from Batista's book and TV's The Truth Guy, let's try to come up with more fake quotes that could potentially have made Big Dave's book interesting!


"I recall the first time a crippled kid was waiting outside the arena to meet me. I'm not sure what was wrong with him. He was probably faking it anyway. But anywho, he was waiting outside the arena for me and I almost ran into the little twerp. He says 'Batista, you're my hero" and I can only think 'Who doesn't feel that way?' Thankfully before I had to answer the little jerk had an asthma attack and was rushed away to a doctor. I think he died or something, but I didn't bother to find out because I had a "date" with two cheap hookers!"

[Just Jay]

lol that's hilarious!

"I recall back in late 2006 that the WWE had partnered up with the Make-a-Wish foundation. I remember this one sick child in particular, Amy Martinez. Some mexican or something, I don't know. Her parents were illegal immigrants and left her for dead or something stupid like that. Anyway, she was diagnosed with a rare skin eating disease that literally destroys your face, and I was suppose to meet up with her for an hour or two as part of the foundation's wishes. That was probably the worst time I've spent with any girl, ever. And that's including that one time in Vegas with the 3 girls and the saran wrap and the mustard. She didn't even bother covering her face, not that it isn't hard living with that disease. I'm just saying just because you're literally wasting away does not mean you can go out however you please, especially in the grace of a World Heavyweight Champion. I go out there risking my back everyday and this is how people present themselves to me?

And in case you're wondering, I left 55 minutes early to partake in my third menege es trois that evening."

[Turd Ferguson]

"The Eddie tribute was one of the toughest nights of my life. I was an emotional wreck because the beef teriyaki I ordered for dinner was overcooked and I was really looking forward to it. I was so upset about it that I was reduced to tears, I was in no shape to be interviewed and then they gave me some lines to read. That was a really rough night."

[macdaddysquid]

"This one time I was feeling preety mad about some things, so I got a bunch of puppies and put them into meat grinders. Then I threw the remains onto a bunch of new born babies, who were terminally ill. That cheered me right up.

[Pgarodactyl]

"Going into Wrestlemania 21 was a watershed moment for me. Either I'd defeat Triple H and Batistamania would kick off, or I would lose and WWE would perish the next day. WWE was lucky as shit that I won that match. Since then, I have become the biggest superstar in the history of wrestling. It's Batistamania, you know? That orange guy suddenly became second-rate. It became all about me at that point."

[Just Jay]

"The guys over at TNA. That's not wrestling. There's no storytelling. What I do is storytelling. Tearing numerous body parts is storytelling. That' makes for a great return each time. And I've gotten injured more times than I could have imagined. Seriously, there were times were I would read a book and to flip the page I would tear my right pectoral muscle. I'm that good of a wrestler that I happen to get injured a lot, and that is good storytelling. People love me, and that's even more pressure to get injured and return again. I think maybe next time I'll bend over and tear both of my hamstrings."

[Zane]

edisoncarasio said:

Inspired equally by the false reporting of a horrible (fake) quote from Batista's book and TV's The Truth Guy, let's try to come up with more fake quotes that could potentially have made Big Dave's book interesting!


"I recall the first time a crippled kid was waiting outside the arena to meet me. I'm not sure what was wrong with him. He was probably faking it anyway. But anywho, he was waiting outside the arena for me and I almost ran into the little twerp. He says 'Batista, you're my hero" and I can only think 'Who doesn't feel that way?' Thankfully before I had to answer the little jerk had an asthma attack and was rushed away to a doctor. I think he died or something, but I didn't bother to find out because I had a "date" with two cheap hookers!"

You my good sir, win.

If someone can work in his hatred for basketballs and how "that's his and come this sunday he's gonna be needing it back" into one single quote I think the Earth would implode.

[Edison taps to the ARMBAR!]

From the revised, update version of his book, soon to be released.

"One morning, after a night with a couple of hookers, I woke up in a haze. After I washed the taste of vomit out of my mouth, I ordered one of the skanks to go get me the morning paper. Boy was I shocked! On the front page of the sports section there was an article about this Signature Pharmacy scandal! And they said I bought steroids from them! Even worse, they listed Randy, Johnny, and Chris there too! This was an outrage! Batista is not a follower, he is a leader! I would never follow the crowd on something like this . . . I never bought steroids from Signature, and this false reporting just pissed me off. Everyone knows I don't run with the pack! I buy my steroids from John's Farm down the road. I get the good s*** that he gives his cows. To make my day even crappier, one of the whores stole my wallet. I had to immediatly call the police and order them to get it back for me. I had to travel to a pay per view to face some old guy named Mark on Sunday. I mean, Hell, it's my wallet and come that Sunday, I was gonna need it back! So to make me feel better, I called up f*** buddy Melina and asked her to play a game of sexual basketball with me! But she was still mad from the last time I never returned her calls. And let me tell you, her "basketballs" do hold grudges!"

[Just Jay]

"I've never been a fan of basketballs, or the sport in general. There's no storytelling in it. People come up to me and ask me "Why don't you like Basketball Dave?" I usually tell them that for one Basketballs don't hold grudges. I find that very idiotic."

And by the way, Edison wins 2.5 trillion internets for the the basketballs and sunday in the same quotes. lol

[Branimal]

This thread is amazing.

[BayleyTiffyCodyCenaJudyHopps]

"The matches I had with JBL were nowhere as good as they could have been. I still don't understand it to this day why they weren't considering our size. Now see, the matches I had with Khali were absolute masterpieces, unlike those spot-monkeys over in TNA. They follow the basketball philosophy of wrestling, which is to do a whole bunch of flips and choreographed stunts that tell no story, much like how a basketball has no storytelling ability. Those talentless sweathogs are stealing my spotlight. Which reminds me, come this Sunday I have a match, and I'm gonna be needing my spotlight back."

How's that, Zane?

[Just Jay]

These are really funny!

"All of the WWE divas backstage are all lazy and don't know how to a work a program at all. Look at Candice Michelle this past Monday. She was so lazy that she didn't properly protect her face and ended up getting a concussion and a broken collar bone. Now if she took the time to learn all of the proper wrestling techniques like I did, she wouldn't have been in that situation. Falling on your head and getting KO'd is not storytelling. I'm storytelling. I would have easily torn both of my quads and my calves by just climbing the turnbuckle, nevermind thinking about it. That just about proves my point that not only women are talentless and lazy, they're dumber than a bowl of mice."

[ellisdee]

"I shot JFK"

[macdaddysquid]

"This one time when I was 11 years old my "uncle" charlie took me into his basement and made me "perform" for him. He filmed it and everything. My new DVD is going to be realeased and iwant that footage as a special feature. Problem is one day while filming with my "Uncle" some people with badges came and took him away, the footage has been lost ever since.

[Sajoa Moe]

"I faced Brock Lesnar several times in OVW. If you want the definition of 'overrated', look up 'Brock Lesnar' in the dictionary. He wishes he was as quick and agile as I am, not to mention the guy couldn't get a tan to save his life. And there's no question as to who was stronger. And besides, who does his tattoos? I mean, that 'thing' on his back is nowhere near as good as my awesome dragon tat, or my cool belly button tat that makes all the chicks wild. So anyway, I had to put him over a few times, and I wasn't the least bit happy about it. I mean, I'm taller than him, I weigh more than him, I have a better tan, so obviously, that would make me a better wrestler than him. But no, the bookers tell me that Brock is their pet project, and they want him to get a strong foothold in the business. I've suffered through more crap in this business than Brock Lesnar could ever imagine, and he got the championship treatment before I did? That's just not fair. Well, at least I'm still wrestling and putting on awesome matches and winning titles while Lesnar is sitting at home doing nothing."

[Just Jay]

"I invented the internet and the world wide web. When I was training to become a wrestler, I designed an architecture that allowed people to communicate across the world regardless of area. I called it the Batisternet. Some jerks at NASA or something stupid like that stole my idea and renamed internet. I've always said Scientist don't know how to work a program. They only know how to steal one."

[General Zod]

jaybruiser said:

"I invented the internet and the world wide web. When I was training to become a wrestler, I designed an architecture that allowed people to communicate across the world regardless of area. I called it the Batisternet. Some jerks at NASA or something stupid like that stole my idea and renamed internet. I've always said Scientist don't know how to work a program. They only know how to steal one."

Is that you, Al Gore?

[Just Jay]

lol Nope, just Dave. And according to Batista'a book..."

"Al Gore doesn't know how to lose properly. That's not wrestling. I'm wrestling. If I ran for President I would have won. And if I didn't, I would have marched right up to the President and tell him that's my title, and come someday, I'm gonna be needing it back."

[Fireravenv]

"After appearing in Rocky 3, Batista went on to fight in the OVW where he became a good guy. As the top hero, he was constantly thwarted by John Cena in his quest to win the OVW title. He left due to money issues and was hired by the new head of the WWE, Vince McMahon. With the spread of cable TV, wrestling shows became national and Vince wanted Dave to be the face of his company."

[Johnny Danger (Godz)]

"Even sometimes Big Dave feels down. It's true. I know I'm the greatest wrestler in the history of not only this planet, but the entire known universe. I've recently discovered a new element, Batisterium, which I've been assured will be added to the Periodic Table very shortly. I've slept with every woman to be born within the last 50 years. But sometimes I still get sad, and so, I just remember the Batista Family Creedo: Steroids, steroids, yum yum yum......."