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Post by TripleMerc on Nov 6, 2007 21:21:12 GMT -5
"Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
That joke is dumb, I'm aware of it."
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:22:09 GMT -5
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:23:46 GMT -5
I love sandwiches, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much smurfin' meat on the sandwich... It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. What would you like sir? A pastrami sandwich. Anything else? Yeah, a loaf of bread and some more people? What kind of bread would you like? Rye, f***, no bananna. What kind of cheese? Cottage. Get the f*** out. I'm not gonna make a bananna bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich. It will severely ruin my reputation.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:24:43 GMT -5
I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's thats an apostrophe "S". Reese's apostrophe "S" on the end of that name. That means the candy bar's his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "let me have that." You better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you... You're a f***in' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece."
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Post by Captain Wonderful on Nov 6, 2007 21:29:24 GMT -5
"I need to go to the Home Depot. Actually, I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of people standing around a warehouse going 'I don't have to fix shit.'"
"I helped a friend stay put. It was a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over and made sure he didn't start to load shit into a truck."
"I hate dreaming. When I'm in bed, I want to sleep, dreaming is like work. I'm laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel, everything's beautiful. Next thing you know...I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord."
"I mumble a lot, I'm a mumbler, and I'll be with a group of friends and I'll say something and they won't hear it, so they go 'what?' So I say it again, and they still don't hear me, so they go 'what?' But, really, it was some insignificant shit I was saying, but now I'm yelling 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!'"
I had forgotten all about this joke, and the first time I heard it again, I was literally in tears;
"I wrote a letter to my dad, but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, so I put 'I rarely...drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I am a steamboat operator.'"
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:29:53 GMT -5
I order the club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a f***ing member. I don't know how I do it.
I like my sandwiches with three peices of bread. So do I. Well lets form a club then...
Ok, but we need some more stipulations. Yes we do.
Instead of cutting the sandwich once, we will cut it again. And with these triangles we will form a circle. Into the middle we will dump chips.. Ok, or potato salad, ok.
Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em. Well this club is formed then...
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:30:04 GMT -5
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means? It a showbiz term for add sugar to.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:32:17 GMT -5
(Mitch to the audience) "Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? Can you?" (audience member: "You can!") "I can... oh, who the f*** am I?... Mitch Hedberg, that's right!" I like to smoke a pipe cuz it's the punchline indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you f***ers should be laughing... Not yet, though. I haven't said shit. I give you an example....
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:33:07 GMT -5
I order the club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a smurfing member. I don't know how I do it. I like my sandwiches with three peices of bread. So do I. Well lets form a club then... Ok, but we need some more stipulations. Yes we do. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, we will cut it again. And with these triangles we will form a circle. Into the middle we will dump chips.. Ok, or potato salad, ok. Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for 'em. Well this club is formed then... I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts. Well you're not in the f***ing club then.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:34:17 GMT -5
Now Peter Frampton's a musical legend. But I don't know his music, so when you meet a legend and you don't know his body of work, you have to divert from that fact. "Hey, Peter Frampton, do you like toast, too?" "Yes, as do I. It's warm and cripsy... and a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you!"
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:35:12 GMT -5
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes.... It's like Dude you have to wait.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:36:03 GMT -5
I never say, "God bless her, on stage... That's gonna be edited." God bless her. What the f*** is that? That's not my style. I'm not the kinda guy who says, "God bless her." We leave that to other comics -- Other comics say, "God Bless her" way better than I do. I say it badly.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:36:34 GMT -5
When me and my friends would trip on acid, we used to go into the woods, cause there was less of a chance that we'd run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear, that was even more of a buzz-kill. There was my friend Duane, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he puts his arm around me and says "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
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Post by -Lithium- on Nov 6, 2007 21:36:59 GMT -5
There was this one good one that his wife posted on her site. They wanted to stay at a hotel, but they didnt have any credit cards or nothing so they tried to pay with cash. The hotel manager said no and he said:
"Credit is just a long form of money."
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:37:02 GMT -5
I f***in' hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like, "f*** you, I ain't going that way... line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end!" Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime... "Look at that dead guy... Let's go that way."
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:37:25 GMT -5
I saw a band in New York City. It was a rock and roll outfit called Monster Magnet. And the singer got on the microphone. This is what he said, "All right. How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:38:53 GMT -5
I like to drink red wine. This girl says, doesn't red wine give you a headache? Yeah eventually. But the first and middle parts are amazing.
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MCMGM
Vegeta
WC's Official Jeff Buckley Stalkeress.
Red Sonic My Ass
Posts: 9,184
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Post by MCMGM on Nov 6, 2007 21:40:18 GMT -5
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? -- people are missing. You f***ers are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes.
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Post by humanoid on Nov 6, 2007 21:41:37 GMT -5
I like to drink red wine. This girl says, doesn't red wine give you a headache? Yeah eventually. But the first and middle parts are amazing. I'm not going to stop doing something just because of what happens at the end. Hey Mitch, do you want an apple? NO, eventually it will be a core.
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Post by Captain Wonderful on Nov 6, 2007 21:42:20 GMT -5
Some songs have a special meaning for a man in regards to a woman, but this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with, but now it's been cheapened... "We are the world, we are the children, we are the ones who make a better life so let's keep on givin'." "Remember that song, baby? The night I f***ed you in the pet cemetery?"
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